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44 posts in this topic

Lmao was playing with that this morning. Like the first two verses!

Tried a few things and Think your suggestion suits it. The first verse is the better out of them all .wasn't always first.but being strongest first worked for draw in point.

Gonna use suggestion

Rock on !!!

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Still not crazy either of 4th verse but something tugs to keep it. So suggestion may help with that. Was thinking vvcvc repeat first 

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Maybe it's the romantic in me, but the idea of the singer potentially reaching out in 4th verse really adds something. So it's got my vote!

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Think that's why it's stayed. The meaning but it's also weak .ponder

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"Someday
Maybe someday
If I  reach out to you
Would you close your eyes ?
Ask me to drift away with you"

 

. or if i just reach..,

Or if I could reach ..

needs another word .. 

 

But just a thought.

:)

Peggy

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Hi Tom,

           just a suggested tickle to V2. from  " Waiting to drift away too"

           to "Waiting too to drift away".

 

Good piece though, Regards, John.

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Hey John

Thanks for the read. In still playing with this a bit

Took "T's" advice on second verse.so in process of getting 3-4 to follow 

Rock on

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Peggy

Thanks took T's advice so working 3-4 to follow. Like the meaning of those two verses but weak so playing around to now match 1-2 but also make a bit stronger

Rock on

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Tomcollins,

 

the first two verses are really good... I like the "sometimes baby sometimes" and the "somewhere girl somewhere"... has a nice flow... you should keep that flow throughout the song and cut it down a bit... I feel it's too long... the bridge is interesting as well ... it's a rough draft as you said but has some nice lines... you are very poetic in your writing so keep at it... sorry I couldn't be more help

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Tag 

Thanks for the input. The first wasn't always first. But felt it was strongest so slid it in there. 

This is still chrunning around in my head. Never thought of it being shorter. Lol would make my life easier if it was!!

Rock on 

18 hours ago, TagSongZ said:

Tomcollins,

 

the first two verses are really good... I like the "sometimes baby sometimes" and the "somewhere girl somewhere"... has a nice flow... you should keep that flow throughout the song and cut it down a bit... I feel it's too long... the bridge is interesting as well ... it's a rough draft as you said but has some nice lines... you are very poetic in your writing so keep at it... sorry I couldn't be more help

 

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Hi Tom I like your lyrics it's simple and it's a good write. The below afterthought came into mind for your song, thought I'd share it, Hope it's helpful to you. Good luck. 

Tonight, Tonight let's drift away like oceans waves do.                                                                                                                                   Make every moment count my love, and dream, dream together like we used to do

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Tj 

Thanks for the input.

Last two verses are still not done 

Rock on 

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Tom,

 

Nice mellow feel to this.

 

I was enjoying the lyric till till I came to the line: "Would you place your tiny hand in mine?"  I thought, Why "tiny?"   That took me I whole different direction. How about "Would you place your loving hand in mine?"Or just skip the bridge?  Not sure you need it.

 

I'm sure you already caught the typos in "are eyes"/"our eyes."

 

 

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Patty

The bridge was a rough draft.

Originally didn't have one 

I want back and forth on it, if it needed one. 

And thought I fixed the typo.

Last two verses I'm still kinda playing with. As they sit. Dont match first two. But I suck at rewrites lol As You can see. 

Thanks for your input and heading to typo.

Rock on !!

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