LooknGlass

If She Heard This Song

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This is something I wrote and it's set awhile. Thoughts and ideas appreciated.

 

(Vs)

I had to have it my way
I just wouldn't compromise
Everything was what I wanted
I wouldn't have it otherwise

 

(Vs)

She tried her best to reach me
Tried to warn me gracefully
I dismissed her like a servant
Now I'm a slave to misery

 

(Ch)

If she heard this song,
would she come back again?
If I bore my soul,
would she want me then?
I need her to hear,
I see that I was wrong,
but would she even care
if she heard this song?

 

(Vs)

Wrapped up in paying the bills
but not in her arms at night
Drinking to much when I was stressed;
purposely picking a fight

 

(Vs)

Hindsight is 20/20
and I see that I was blind
This song that I've just written
is all that she left behind

 

(Bridge)

I want to say; "Sorry I was a fool"
Tell her; "Nothings worth losing you"

 

(Ch)

If she heard this song,
would she come back again?
If I bore my soul,
would she want me then?
I need her to hear,
I see that I was wrong,
but would she even care
if she heard this song

 

@ L. James Tanner

Edited by LooknGlass
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My first read I had a bit of trouble With"I know that I was wrong" because the line above it started with "I"

 

If she could hear

I know that I was wrong

 

Came to mind . but on a second read it did fit a bit better but still wonder if it's to many "I" in such a small space. Makes it sound more about the singer then about her hearing . 

Dropping that verse isn't a bad thing . going right into 4th then bridge didn't sound bad .

But that 3rd could be rewrote to explain a bit better would your bad Was .

I'd go for dropping it but either could work.

Like this, simple and to the point lol God I love simple !! 

Rock on !!!

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(Vs)

I had to have it my way
I just wouldn't compromise
Everything was what I wanted
I wouldn't have it otherwise

 

Every line in verse 1 says the same thing. No precious progress made, story-wise.

 

(Vs)

She tried her best to reach me
Tried to warn me gracefully
I dismissed her like a servant
Now I'm a slave to misery

 

Same lack of story line advancement with first 2 lines here. Nice play on "servant" "slave"

 

(Ch)

If she heard this song,
would she come back again?
If I bore my soul,
would she want me then?
I need her to hear,
I see that I was wrong,
but would she even care
if she heard this song?

"...bore my soul" isn't very "song-ish." :)

 

(Vs)

Wrapped up in paying the bills
but not in her arms at night
Drinking to much when I was stressed;
purposely picking a fight

First line is very cliched, even the "wrapped up" part. I know you're shooting for the double off of "wrap," but...

 

(Vs)

Hindsight is 20/20
and I see that I was blind
This song that I've just written
is all that she left behind

 

Don't see where this adds anything, but another cliche

 

(Bridge)

I want to say; "Sorry I was a fool"
Tell her; "Nothings worth losing you"

 

I'd try to approach this, after the negativity of the entire lyric, with a more positive spin, telling her he's sorry and WHY he needs her back, not merely "nothings worth losing you".

 

This has an easy flow to it and is well-metered. You might consider showing some details. As is, I feel like I have seen this lyric hundreds of times since I first entered a lyric critique site about 10 years ago. Good luck.

 

Edited by retro
misspelling

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7 hours ago, tomcollins said:

My first read I had a bit of trouble With"I know that I was wrong" because the line above it started with "I"

 

If she could hear

I know that I was wrong

 

Came to mind . but on a second read it did fit a bit better but still wonder if it's to many "I" in such a small space. Makes it sound more about the singer then about her hearing . 

Dropping that verse isn't a bad thing . going right into 4th then bridge didn't sound bad .

But that 3rd could be rewrote to explain a bit better would your bad Was .

I'd go for dropping it but either could work.

Like this, simple and to the point lol God I love simple !! 

Rock on !!!

"still wonder if it's to many "I" in such a small space. Makes it sound more about the singer then about her hearing"

You may be right about that, imma thinkin on it and what maybe to do. And I think I will drop the 3rd verse also. I'll try to get to this this week, I have to finish up some other stuff for a vocalist, and I'll jump back on it. Thanks Tom!

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2 hours ago, retro said:

(Vs)

I had to have it my way
I just wouldn't compromise
Everything was what I wanted
I wouldn't have it otherwise

 

Every line in verse 1 says the same thingt. No precious progress made, story-wise.

 

(Vs)

She tried her best to reach me
Tried to warn me gracefully
I dismissed her like a servant
Now I'm a slave to misery

 

Same lack of story line advancement with first 2 lines here. Nice play on "servant" "slave"

 

(Ch)

If she heard this song,
would she come back again?
If I bore my soul,
would she want me then?
I need her to hear,
I see that I was wrong,
but would she even care
if she heard this song?

"...bore my soul" isn't very "song-ish." :)

 

(Vs)

Wrapped up in paying the bills
but not in her arms at night
Drinking to much when I was stressed;
purposely picking a fight

First line is very cliched, even the "wrapped up" part. I know you're shooting for the double off of "wrap," but...

 

(Vs)

Hindsight is 20/20
and I see that I was blind
This song that I've just written
is all that she left behind

 

Don't see where this adds anything, but another cliche

 

(Bridge)

I want to say; "Sorry I was a fool"
Tell her; "Nothings worth losing you"

 

I'd try to approach this, after the negativity of the entire lyric, with a more positive spin, telling her he's sorry and WHY he needs her back, not merely "nothings worth losing you".

 

This has an easy flow to it and is well-metered. You might consider showing some details. As is, I feel like I have seen this lyric hundreds of times since I first entered a lyric critique site about 10 years ago. Good luck.

 

Thanks for the look over and your thoughts retro, appreciated. Usually I agree that different lines should convey something new, and usually try harder to do that, but the melody kinda dictated a different approach for me. Instead of stand alone lines dictating the progression, the verses as a whole did. With the first addressing how he himself acted, reiterating in frustration his fault throughout the entire verse, and the second telling of her trying to reach him about what he was doing, and how he reacted to that. I admit it needs work, no doubt, and it didn't unfold as well as I wanted (which is why it has sat awhile on my HD, while I waited for better words to come) but I am going to a least try and keep each verse as a whole with a different aspect of what's going on, I just need to do it better.

 

When it comes to "Bore my soul"...I gotta disagree, everything's songish if done right :) With the melody I have in mind it slides by like butter. Whenever I get this to music, I'll let you be the judge of that, it could be subjective possibly.

As for;

Wrapped up in paying the bills
but not in her arms at night

 

I myself have never heard that phrase in a song, and thought I came up with it. If it's cliched, or has been used, and I used it subconsciously, I totally missed it, and will definitely have to change it.

 

I agree and have been contemplating a positive spin toward the end, but I don't want it too positive, the song is a pinning song with the intent being, that those who have lost their woman, can send the song as their sorry. But, intent and execution are different things.

 

It needs a lot of work for sure, which is exactly why I posted it here. Maybe you can help me with what progress you see happening, especially between the first two verses. This is a lyric that I looked at and looked at, until I was overthinking it, and basically did nothing to it.

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Hey man,

 

I really like the flow of this. I was able to attach a rhythm to it and have it match the other verses. 

 

One thing I have been studying and working on in my own writing is avoiding cliche. cliche can be found in phrasing, rhymes, and metaphor. I agree with retro that there is a prevalence of cliche in the last two verses. 

 

Those cliche's can be used if you add a twist of irony on them. The hindsight line could be changed to work on your favor. Something like "hindsight is 20/20, but the past still looks blurry." Or something. Play with expectations around the cliche. 

 

I like what you've got here. Keep shaping it. :) 

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I really like the lyrics and the message of the song. Especially these 2 lines are brilliant, in my opinion:

 

I dismissed her like a servant
Now I'm a slave to misery

 

Personally, however, I think this line is a little cheesy and a bit Disney, but then again, that's just my personal taste!

 

I want to say; "Sorry I was a fool"
Tell her; "Nothings worth losing you"

 

However, overall, it's definitely got a very well-written and effective message :)

 

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I had a similar initial reaction re: lack of progression within each verse, but I can also see the argument for progression between verses. What moves me toward needing more movement within each verse is that you are trying to do a lot with the chorus and I think you need a boost from the verses to get there. The chorus is about the singer baring his soul (see what I did there with "bare" vs "bore"?--more on that later :) ) so you could get some movement in the verses by listing out the ways the singer shut out the woman emotionally, which is a better lead-in for the chorus. In other words, if the solution in the chorus in baring his soul, then the problem in the verses needs to be about shutting her out emotionally. Failing to compromise doesn't come across as very emotional, but saying a bit more about why the singer needed it to be that way (e.g., keep her at distance, protect himself, etc) would be more effective.

 

Back to the bore/bare issue in the chorus. I think the problem is mainly the form of the word. It needs a grammatical tweak, for example:

 

If I bare my soul, 
Will she want me then?

 

I really like the message in those 2 lines--the emotional hook of the chorus is vulnerability and those 2 lines give the chorus it's punch. Also related to the chorus--I am big fan of the singer referring to the song in lyrics (like Ray Charles--Song for You). Again, the verses could build up to that idea too, by getting across the idea that he didn't talk to her enough and maybe he can fix things by not just talking but singing. 

 

A broader observation about the lyrics is that the style of the lines switch back and forth between pedestrian, everyday language and more lyrical language. For example V2 is more lyrical, while V3 (wrapped up in paying the bills/drinking too much when I was stressed) seems less so.

 

I think there are some good elements here to build on. ~T

 

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What I read is a lack of distinction between the verses and the chorus.  The same approach is taken in both, same subject, same point of view, same rhyme scheme, same tense.  It's like reading two more verses.  This leads to my wondering if the whole chorus shouldn't be scrapped in favor of something more telling.  The chorus should say something new, not just support the verses, but support them by bringing the truss in from another angle.

 

if you were to take out the I and she altogether, 

 

this song,
back again?
Bare soul,
What then?
to hear,
Whats wrong,
but care
this song?

 

so I strip it down until it's only about the song, so it's not about whether she hears the song, it is the song itself in the chorus.  What's a song like this called?  An honest song?  What kind of song?  A wonder song, an apology song, a love song, can't say your song or my song maybe song of thoughts or felt robe or India, what's her name or something unique but it needs to be some kind of song without cliche or it isn't to her and it will say nothing new, the new and unique is waiting to be heard and she will only relate to this if it it hers and no one else's and you can't make it hers and no one else's if you use a cliche line. Song of chance.  What's another word for chance?  Now I'm hungry for Sheppards pie.

 

but let your thoughts run free over this, I'm afraid you may have gotten a foot stuck in the melody when it came to the chorus simply because it is so close to the verses.  The chorus will make good verse material so all is not lost.

 

i love the compromise/ otherwise bit.  Lol, that is genius. 

 

MP

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LooknGlass

 

Hey bro, good song. This is my two cents for whatever it's worth.

 

Here's what I liked. Although it was probably unintentional, I think you tapped into one of the lesser used "sentiments" in songwriting. That being a self desire to change and be introspective..Now don't get me wrong, "angst" and "regret" are the whipping boys for writers and for good reason. However, your lyrics definitely don't read as if your trying to "bore/bare" your heart. It's more like, "Gee, I miss that girl because I could really use someone to bring me a beer about now."

 

Luckily for you, not every song needs to sound like it was written on a death bed, or by someone expressing regret because they are going through alcohol withdrawals after a big night of drinking.

 

The perspective you used is effective because the market isn't saturated with (for a lack of better description) with an introspective almost self-loathing, bitterness/ regret style message. Meaning I see this songs audience being more for guys "who just lost their girl" and not " for a man trying to woo his woman back." It definitely doesn't read like you're pouring your heart out to your ex, that's for sure..

.

Commentary aside.

 

I would suggest putting a bridge in between the chorus and second verse. Or possibly a pre-chorus/hook. .Basically something like;

(Verse)

(Verse) 

(Hook)

(Verse) Etc.

 

Also, you used the word "purposely" as a start off point in one of your verses. There's nothing wrong with that obviously, I'm just having a hard time with that sounding good because of the, PUH - PUR sound starting the word...IDK.

 

Besides that everything looks good except for the last verse. I can't put a finger on it but it definitely has an cliched feel like others have suggested.

 

Let me know how it comes out.

Joe

 

 

 

 

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Thanks to everyone for their critique. I usually like to address all individually, but I'm swamped. It's evident that the consensus is that it is indeed cliched, so I am beginning the rewrite. A lot of helpful comments from everyone, A lot!.. I appreciate it a whole bunch. In the coming days, I'll be posting ideas

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I think this reads quite good, you know for me, it's as much about the music and the way lyrics are put accross throughout the song, as it is about the wording. But this has meaning and could find a way into an audiences feelings. And that's what a successful song is all about, I'd like to hear it with music when you get it finished.

:)

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Sorry, I didn't realize you had responded to my crit. One part...you said you've never heard the "Wrapped up in your arms" line. You need only google, to find bunches. Of course, one might pose the question, "Well, if it's in this many songs, at what point did it become trite?" LOL Got me!!!

Here's one link:

https://www.bing.com/search?q=wrapped+up+in+your+arms&pc=MOZI&form=MOZSBR

 

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