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ddmmdd

lonely

6 posts in this topic

now i'm lonely
so lonely i think i'll cry
can't you see
i thought i was your guy
 
i keep going here and there
but i go all alone
i keep thinking that you care
that you're waiting at home
 
i thought it was enough
giving you my love
but you wanted more
and more and more and more
 
now i'm lonely
so lonely i think i'll cry
can't you see
i thought i was your guy
 
i did ev'rything for you
didn't i buy you things
take you places you wanted to
give you a diamond ring
 
i thought it was enough
giving you my love
but you wanted more

and more and more and more

 

now i'm lonely

so lonely i think i'll cry

i thought i was your guy

 

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Great lyrics... I feel if you add a bridge, it will emphasize the meaning of the song more... Good writing 

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I was drawn to this one b/c I'm working on some lyrics about loneliness right now so I'm kind of in that same head space.

 

My first take on this is that it reads as more conversational/informational than lyrical. The lines are telling us stuff but there could be more emotional expression. For example there are lines that didn't convey much emotion but provided information and worked with the rhyme scheme. Like:  "Didn't I buy you a diamond ring". Other lines seemed like filler, but again, fit the rhyme scheme, such as "I keep going here and there" and "Didn't I buy you things". Too make the words more lyrical, I think you need more emotion with the facts. For example:

 

Didn't I buy you a diamond ring => I gave my heart with the ring

 

Starting the lyrics with the chorus really raises the stakes for those first 2 lines. "Now I'm lonely" reads like the end of a thought not the beginning of one. Starting with "now" makes me wonder about the "then"--sort of like starting the lyrics in the middle of a conversation. The second line of the chorus has the same issue as noted above--telling us stuff without emoting. "I think I'll cry" reads like a decision that is being communicated rather than an emotion that can't be controlled.  Overall it needs more heartbreak.

 

~T

 

 

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Head lines that mark the different structural parts of the song might be helpful.

It looks to me like you start with the chorus.That approach often works just fine.

Next a verse. Then a lift (my guess because it's repeated and uses a different rhyme pattern). Next the chorus, another verse, lift and chorus/outro.

That looks like a solid song structure for pop music.
 

i did ev'rything for you
didn't i buy you things
take you places you wanted to
give you a diamond ring

the grammatical structure "I did ...buy/take/give" might not get across easily in a song; I would find it easier to follow if the last two lines were imperfect (took/gave).

Bernd

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If these lyrics aren't fixed to a tune already, I'd like to see you get more creative with sense-bound language.  Its likely that it will change the structure, but I think it will make for a more interesting song.  For example instead of saying "lonely", try to get in touch with what's going on inside your body or mind that suggests its loneliness, or use an image that expresses it. i.e.  

 

"There's a caved-in sink hole under

bones of my breast,

drained hourglass sands

emptying my chest".

 

( Cry could be expanded the same way)  

 

"Dried up canyon,

a once over-flowing bed

so hard and heavy,

left banks on my flesh."   

 

Hey!  I may use that ! (You'll have to come up with some different images), but you get the idea...

You could do the same with, "I thought I was your guy".  Come up with what it was that makes you feel like you're her guy...specifics.

On 2/13/2017 at 11:38 AM, ddmmdd said:
i did ev'rything for you
didn't i buy you things
take you places you wanted to
give you a diamond ring
 

Here you can really take off.  Put some emotion into it.  

 

"Hours we spent sharing our dreams,

stacking future hopes like flavored scoops of ice cream

remember the Lake? the knotted rope swing?

the exhilarating flight...Where did it sink?

We had it....we had everything.

 

Play with images and emotions and sense-bound language and I think you'll find you arrive at some very satisfying lyrics. :)

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On 2/14/2017 at 3:38 AM, ddmmdd said:
now i'm lonely
so lonely i think i'll cry
can't you see
i thought i was your guy
 
i keep going here and there
but i go all alone
i keep thinking that you care
that you're waiting at home
 
i thought it was enough
giving you my love
but you wanted more
and more and more and more
 
now i'm lonely
so lonely i think i'll cry
can't you see
i thought i was your guy
 
i did ev'rything for you
didn't i buy you things
take you places you wanted to
give you a diamond ring
 
i thought it was enough
giving you my love
but you wanted more

and more and more and more

 

now i'm lonely

so lonely i think i'll cry

i thought i was your guy

 

i like these lyrics.. uncomplicated and sounds from the heart. you could change a thing or two but nothing significant IMO. i picked up the rhythm straight off so if its of your own experience id leave as is... nice work!

Neil

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