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Leo

Say It All To Me

9 posts in this topic

Say It All To Me

V
I am lonely, when we argue,
There's my side and, there is yours,
Keep on talking, I can hear you,
Don't go silent, on this telephone,

C

Raise our voices, world's colliding,
State your anger, loud and clear,
Rid yourself of, All this poison,
But keep on talking, say it all to me,

V

Those stupid waves of , absent minded,
We build our forts to, prove our strength,
We spend hours, in those tranches,

Please keep talking, so I know youre there,

C

Raise our voices, world's colliding,
State your anger, loud an clear,
Rid yourself of, All this poison,
But keep on talking, say it all to me,


 

Edited by Leo

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Hi Leo,

Really like the idea "say it all to me". 

First verse good start off and the chorus too.  "To the script" don't totally get but that's ok I can think about it.

 

V2 doesn't quite get me to the next feeling or understanding between 1st and last line of verse.

 

Like the overall feel to your write and these are just thoughts of mine.

 

:)

Peggy

 

 

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Hey Peggy,

Thanks for your comments.

I agree completely.

I will work on that.

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The original post is updated. 

Thank you.

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Leo 

think the story will work  just a couple of things

I am lonely to me this makes no sense  I am frightened that would be my thought  lonely feels like alone but you are not ?

 

john

 

 

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Hey scotsman,

Thanks for your comment, it's a good point. Do you think it might work if the line will go "I feel lonley" instead of being?

Getting a little intimate. I feel lonley when I have a big fight with my partner and were not talking. Evenn though technically im not alone.

 

Thanks again

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Origional post edited again.

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Leo think frightened works better PO because the singer is frightened it is going to end . lonely implies it will work out .   as it is in the first  line it makes the listener think is she - he telling the other goodbye 

 

John

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Hi Leo

think this starts off really strong but it suffers for me from the perspective of who is talking and to who.

 

It is personal and direct address to the listener - lover? -  but then especially in V2 and the lines are not especially bad or anything, but to me don't belong in a conversation addressing ME, that is I would be arguing if you spoke these lines to me on the phone lol

 

Those stupid waves of , absent minded,
We build our forts to, prove our strength,
We spend hours, in those tranches,

 

Basically I think you make it a conversation song, think Dr Hooks Sylvia's Mother where you are compassionately talking to her / US the listener and draw us into your world

 

I've been stupid,

but it because I'm scared of losing you

I'm trying, changing, giving up my bad ways etc.

 

 

 

Regards

 

Arty

 

 

 

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