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McnaughtonPark    695

This is where pissing around will get you.  Seems that's all I do, nothing ever gets a fine polish on it.  My question concerns prosody, should this be slowed?  Seems when I do that it's just mired in the boring level of blah.

 

 

 

Down To The River

 

Hammered in the coals of a fire lost
Shot from the age of Homeric lust
The tip of love's arrow, well it pierced my lung
But it missed my heart, I had none, it went

 

Down to the river waters keep
Down to the river where it's black and deep
Down to the river where it's too damn cold to come home

 

Love is an owl over fields of prey
I was caught while dawn was threatening
Clawing for the heart of it's victory won
Well love left hungry, I had none, it went

 

Down to the river waters keep
Down to the river where it's black and deep
Down to the river where it's too damn cold to come home

 

I pulled her close when the night was young
When still she needed to know I was strong
But her moon fell over and her sky went numb
When she reached for my heart, found I had none

 

Down to the river waters keep
Down to the river where it's black and deep
Down to the river where it's too damn cold to come home
Come home

 

 

Edited by McnaughtonPark
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CapM    73

Yeah, it seems way too fast.  If your songs sound blah when you slow them down, perhaps have un underlying guitar doing fills or something?

 

I assume you write lyrics and then try to fit them to music?  I think that's really tough to do with such verbose wording. It's kind of like fitting a square into a round hole! If anything, maybe try to eliminate the unimportant words.  One example is "I pulled her close when the night was young When still she needed to know I was strong."  Why wouldn't you do "I pulled her close when the night was young When still she needed to know I was strong."  One more:  Why would you say "Down to the river where it's black and deep" and not just "Down to the river where it's black and deep?"  Stuff like that.

 

Hope this helps!

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McnaughtonPark    695

The funny thing is, I added some of those words when I spead this up.  The melody changed.

 

originally, I was going slower and liked it, but started second guessing myself and it went this direction.  As if, I was just trying to get it over with.  

 

Ok, I'll get back to it.  Thanks Cap

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This has a little bit of a Bright Eyes flavor to it. I can imagine a bit more production value in this one, some organ-like fills. Similar to what is in the Fevers and Mirrors album by Bright eyes. Do you know that album? I posted a song  below as an example of what I'm talking about. Something like this would work so well with in this song. Particularly in the instrumental break. It doesn't have to be quite so elaborate, but even just some organ/synth added in the instrumental break and the choruses, would really enhance this one and bring it to a radio-ready level, in my opinion. 

 S

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McnaughtonPark    695

I like that Emily, hadn't heard them before.  Maybe at 60 bpm, and a new chord progression on the keyboard.  

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ImKeN    274
7 hours ago, McnaughtonPark said:

Ok, I'll get back to it.

 

I know you're probably already working on the new direction and that's great. I just wanted to say that I also thought it was a little too fast and I agree with CapM's suggestions.

 

For me - I might have misunderstood the lyrics but - I could hear a 'Ben Howard - Esmerelda' kind of darkness about those lyrics.

 

Looking forward to the next recording, McP!

 

Ken

Edited by ImKeN
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McnaughtonPark    695

Actually Ken, maybe going back to where it started if I can find the file.

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ImKeN    274
34 minutes ago, McnaughtonPark said:

Actually Ken, maybe going back to where it started if I can find the file.

 

Cool. Can't wait to hear it :D

 

Off topic, but it's been real slow in here lately. Where did everyone go!? :ph34r:

Edited by ImKeN

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shadowfax    48

Love the lyrics, I'd listen to the song if I could but the link aint there...bit of problem with this site..for me anyways..links never seem to be there!

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CapM    73
2 hours ago, shadowfax said:

Love the lyrics, I'd listen to the song if I could but the link aint there...bit of problem with this site..for me anyways..links never seem to be there!

 

I have another site that does this to me.  I found that if I click the quote button like I'm going to type a response, you can see the link in the text block below.  Just a suggestion!

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McnaughtonPark    695
5 hours ago, shadowfax said:

Love the lyrics, I'd listen to the song if I could but the link aint there...bit of problem with this site..for me anyways..links never seem to be there!

Shoot,  do all the links do that or just some?  I use my phone a lot from home and wonder if that has anything to do with the missing link.  I can see it, some others can too, but you can't.  Hmmm

 

i seem to remember a setting or a windows update could rectify this as a while back it was happening to more people.  Maybe someone else remembers what that was.

Edited by McnaughtonPark

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HoboSage    1,997

 

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CapM    73
11 minutes ago, HoboSage said:

 

 

That was great, Hobo.  It's great that another member would take the time to do this for another.  It's especially impressive considering you had to tune your guitar in standard tuning.  Did you have to look this up?  :lol:  Just teasin'.  I think this would be an excellent song tempo.

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HoboSage    1,997

LOL  I DID have to re-tune my guitar to standard tuning.  You know me so well. :)

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McnaughtonPark    695

Crazy.  That's the correct rhythm.  Hey, you sound so natural there, lol, I was listening like it was your damn song.

 

 I will get back on this, but my guitar will never sound as good.

 

thanks D

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Hey MP, I love your lyrics.  I didn't quite understand verse 2, but to me its inconsequential that I didn't understand.  Sometimes I like things that make me have to work to figure them out, especially with lyrics like these.  Great word pictures.  I read the lyrics prior to listening and I expected a darker sound with some intensity and minors in the music based on the lyrics.  I can see why it would inspire another member to test it out, there is so much intrigue in the lyrics and format.

 

Regarding that!  Oh wow!  HoboSage got it down with the tone of the lyrics and the emotion built into them.  I hope that wasn't just a teaser.  I hope you guys collaborate on that!

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HoboSage    1,997

FWIW, I also expanded the chorus because I think currently it's too short and the lyric lines come too rapid-fire.  This way, you sing the first line, then let the guitar respond, sing the next line, let the guitar respond, etc.

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TCgypsy    114
On 2/26/2017 at 10:50 AM, McnaughtonPark said:

Down to the river waters keep
Down to the river where it's black and deep
Down to the river where it's too damn cold to come home
Come home

 

 

Edgy folk tune with an American vibe.

 

I think you should limit the double-tracking on the vocals to the chorus. Shoot for a more intimate sound on the verses.

 

The chorus could be improved by trimming some words and making it more direct, imo.

Down to the river waters keep
Down to the river where it's black and deep
Down to the river where it's too damn cold (extend this word a bit and delay the next part) to 
Come home (then finish strong on this + a harmony or two here would work great)

 

An electric guitar riff or two could really add some zest to this track.

 

I like the tune; a little more crafting and it could be great.

 

Peace,

TC

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McnaughtonPark    695

Lol, more comments coming in than I expected.  

 

PP, I hope it's ok that I don't explain verse two.  I'm glad you like the lyric and impressed you can, or you're willing to wait until the meaning comes to you.  There are minors in the music, Dm, Am and some Em.  They are my curse.

 

David, I noticed the expanded chorus of course, and thinking on it.  I'll sit with it, I need to let it sink in the river so maybe I can go that route.  I'll listen again and do some word searching.  It's a bit of a web and I don't think I can go wrong by exploring it further.  

 

TC, you and Cap came up with the same suggestion on trimming down the lyric.  Both suggested edits were what I had in the original lyric.  I don't know why I just kept singing words into it when playing, I think I lost focus.  I've gone from keyboard to acoustic to electric and from 50 bpm on up to 80 and the melody has changed a few times.  

 

This is all easier to do to do when starting with music and melody.  

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McnaughtonPark    695

David

 

Actually, I just listened again, and you did take it down to the bottom.  That's what I was thinking.  That may be the chorus then.

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McnaughtonPark    695
3 hours ago, HoboSage said:

FWIW, I also expanded the chorus because I think currently it's too short and the lyric lines come too rapid-fire.  This way, you sing the first line, then let the guitar respond, sing the next line, let the guitar respond, etc.

Above

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Just1L    961

Hmmm. I listened to both and like parts of both. I like the melody of your version Tom, but I like how Dave spaced it out and what he did with the end of it. Mainly I liked the overall faster version and kind of bouncy vibe. I agree with the lyric edits Dave made in his version, the words he took out was the first thing I planned to comment on doing. Now I'm stuck with thinking, for this type of song, does a faster or slower version work better? Sorry, not much help I know. 

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McnaughtonPark    695

Thanks Randy.  I believe there is a song in there somewhere, I hope I don't give up on it before it comes out.

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Stick with it, MP.  I'm excited to hear how this comes out.  Take a break from it to clear the cobwebs out if need be, but do come back to it. You've got the workings of a great song with these lyrics.

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HoboSage    1,997

P.S.  I made the track downloadable, Tom.  Please take if if you want it as a reference.  I need the Soundcloud space. :) 

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McnaughtonPark    695

Ok, I will tonight

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McnaughtonPark    695
50 minutes ago, HoboSage said:

P.S.  I made the track downloadable, Tom.  Please take if if you want it as a reference.  I need the Soundcloud space. :) 

ok, got it, thanks David.

 

 

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Just1L    961
On February 27, 2017 at 4:29 PM, McnaughtonPark said:

Thanks Randy.  I believe there is a song in there somewhere, I hope I don't give up on it before it comes out.

 

I'm not sure I've heard a tune yet from you that I thought you should give up on. 

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crystalsuzy    85

I really quite liked this track as it is, but I think it would sound even better a little slower, and with a some more production to fill it out. The lyrics are really interesting and

let my imagination run wild. I'll be curious to see where you take this [smiley=hippy.gif]

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