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17 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Hi this is my song 'I'm a crime to commit'

Just want everyone to be honest as possible, is it good, bad or ugly. I've changed the lyrics slightly now they are:

(Verse)

Beautiful bitch, has got my back up against the wall,

I'm a crime to commit, but it looks like you done them all.

 

(Pre Chorus)

Se--------------e me, see me walking away,

then you're love--------ly,

makes me wanna stay.

 

(Chorus)

Mo---------------------re, more, more, than I bargained for.

Mo---------------------re, more, more, than I bargained for.

 

(Verse)

She got pi-er-cings, in all the right places,

infectious lips, and that way she fakes it.

 

(Pre Chorus)

Lo--------------------------ve me, like its the only way,

In--------------fect me, with your kiss.

 

(Chorus)

Mo---------------------re, more, more than you bargained for,

Mo--------------------re, more than you bargained for.

 

(verse)

Dan-cing on the tables, she hypnotises me,

Long red hair, right down to her knees.

 

(Pre Chorus) 

Teach me, al the things you know,

Infect me, love me until you go.

 

(Chorus)

Verse1

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFdXhmeUtmI&feature=youtu.be

 

Edited by Steve Ather
Missed vital info
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Hi Steve and welcome to the forum

I like this and the attitude that comes with it. Would be great performed with a band.

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Posted (edited)

Thanks Daryl,

It's funny you should say that, I actually did write it for my band, unfortunately the band thing didn't work out, to many different personalties, and with that came differences in opinions. Guess that's what makes or breaks a group.

Cheers!

Edited by Steve Ather

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Great song, Steve. I think you've got a really simple but strong vocal melody for this lyric. Also, I find that your vocal melodies are slightly out of tune, except the first note you hit in the chorus, "More." Whether you did that on purpose, I don't know, but I thought it sounded really good!

 

I'm a bit puzzled by the pre-chorus' melody, it sounds - pretty much - exactly like the verses?

 

I think it has loads of potential but I'm not so sure about going back to the verse after the second chorus, at that point it felt like the musical journey had ended because nothing new happened. Why not substitute the 'verse3&pre-chorus' for a bridge and then sing the chorus one final time before ending the song with verse 1? Just a thought.

 

It's good to have you here, [smiley=hippy.gif]

 

Ken

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26 minutes ago, ImKeN said:

Great song, Steve. I think you've got a really simple but strong vocal melody for this lyric. Also, I find that your vocal melodies are slightly out of tune, except the first note you hit in the chorus, "More." Whether you did that on purpose, I don't know, but I thought it sounded really good!

 

I'm a bit puzzled by the pre-chorus' melody, it sounds - pretty much - exactly like the verses?

 

I think it has loads of potential but I'm not so sure about going back to the verse after the second chorus, at that point it felt like the musical journey had ended because nothing new happened. Why not substitute the 'verse3&pre-chorus' for a bridge and then sing the chorus one final time before ending the song with verse 1? Just a thought.

 

It's good to have you here, [smiley=hippy.gif]

 

Ken

That's a good idea, I think I'll try changing it, always get stuck trying to change my songs after I've written them, one of my demons I guess. But I could definitely try and take that last verse out.

I think I just named that bit pre chorus because it looked more structured and it was a change in the feeling of the song leading into the chorus. 

I wasn't supposed to go out of tune ha!

I've started to use a capo on 2nd of my guitar for that song, as I found it difficult to sing it low, and the capo pushes my voice harder.

Thanks, and yeah its good to be on here,enjoying everyone's lyrical genius, music and creativity,class!

 

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The sounds like it'll be pretty cool played with a band, but this current recording has the vocal issues and a repetitive strum keeping it from really elevating.  I assume you're aware of that because this obviously isn't some final recording.  It'll be interesting to see where you take this from here, though, but definitely make it raw and loud.


I'd say that a musical bridge with a nice solo would be good here, but at 3:40 already, you'd probably want to cut a verse and do the solo instead.  Not that I'm against long songs...I just don't think this one should be one.  This fits much better in the 3-minute ditty category.
 

Rather than remove that last verse altogether, you could also only include one line of it as a refrain.  In other words, ending with "back up against the wall."  Especially when you do have a full band treatment going, it could work if done right.

 

As another bit of suggestion, you really don't need to spell out the places where you stretch a word in your lyrics, lol.  Doing that really just makes it harder to follow along.

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Neat! I was reminded of maybe something from Nirvana Unplugged. 

 

Have you thought about introducing something new when you get to "dancing on the table"? I've heard the verse and chorus twice to that point and now I'm ready for something new musically. Then the return to the chorus would be more satisfying.

 

I can hear that you've changed a bunch of lyrics from what you wrote here. It sounds like the new ones are improved, but it's hard to tell. You could edit the post if you want us to see the real lyrics. It also sounds like her long red hair has grown from her knees to her heels in the meantime :-).

 

 

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On 13/03/2017 at 5:31 PM, Jim of Seattle said:

Neat! I was reminded of maybe something from Nirvana Unplugged. 

 

Have you thought about introducing something new when you get to "dancing on the table"? I've heard the verse and chorus twice to that point and now I'm ready for something new musically. Then the return to the chorus would be more satisfying.

 

I can hear that you've changed a bunch of lyrics from what you wrote here. It sounds like the new ones are improved, but it's hard to tell. You could edit the post if you want us to see the real lyrics. It also sounds like her long red hair has grown from her knees to her heels in the meantime :-).

 

 

Ha ha, yep it was pretty long hair, from what I remember. Nirvana sounds good, cheers, I'll have to put something extra I'm,  unfortunately like Kurt Kobain I hate changing things and doing them again,  I think that's one of my downfalls in song writing. I'll have a good hard think about it. Thanks!

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On 12/03/2017 at 3:55 PM, cutaia said:

The sounds like it'll be pretty cool played with a band, but this current recording has the vocal issues and a repetitive strum keeping it from really elevating.  I assume you're aware of that because this obviously isn't some final recording.  It'll be interesting to see where you take this from here, though, but definitely make it raw and loud.


I'd say that a musical bridge with a nice solo would be good here, but at 3:40 already, you'd probably want to cut a verse and do the solo instead.  Not that I'm against long songs...I just don't think this one should be one.  This fits much better in the 3-minute ditty category.
 

Rather than remove that last verse altogether, you could also only include one line of it as a refrain.  In other words, ending with "back up against the wall."  Especially when you do have a full band treatment going, it could work if done right.

 

As another bit of suggestion, you really don't need to spell out the places where you stretch a word in your lyrics, lol.  Doing that really just makes it harder to follow along.

I'll definitely look into it, think I struggle with changing my songs or putting extra in, but I'll definitely do it with a bit of will.

Thanks!

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Liked it a lot! One thing that I would change for myself (as it always happen to me when I hear it) is the "bitch" word.

 

I would replace it with a more distant analog word. I do not have any good substitute. The first thing that comes to my mind is 'beast' but I am not sure if it fits in meaning wise.

 

Other than that it is great for me!

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Steve - I tried to have a listen and it said the video was unavailable...

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19 hours ago, Max spb said:

Liked it a lot! One thing that I would change for myself (as it always happen to me when I hear it) is the "bitch" word.

 

I would replace it with a more distant analog word. I do not have any good substitute. The first thing that comes to my mind is 'beast' but I am not sure if it fits in meaning wise.

 

Other than that it is great for me!

Beautiful Witch is my clean version lol. 

Cheers it's brilliant to get some good feed back!

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12 hours ago, Richard Tracey said:

Steve - I tried to have a listen and it said the video was unavailable...

I'll have a look into that for you mate! Thanks!

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Reminds me a bit of Lou Reed.

 

The song has a cool vibe. The change in the chorus works well.

 

The prechorus could use a bit of a changeup in either rhythm or chord progression. The melody doesn't seem completely nailed down to me even taking into account the pitchiness of the vocals. There is some good stuff in here, just needs some honing.

 

Cool tune with potential.

 

Peace,

TC

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I got the Nirvana type vibe out of it too.....liked the feel of it.....It did get a bit repetitious toward the end.....To me, the dancing on the table verse would be a good place for a bridge to throw a change at us. Just my opinion, though, I think this could be a solid rocker with some more work. 

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On 19/03/2017 at 11:48 AM, Richard Tracey said:

Steve - I tried to have a listen and it said the video was unavailable...

Sorry about that, I've placed a totally new recording of the song on this now, and even put a bridge in. :)

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On 20/03/2017 at 3:04 AM, TCgypsy said:

Reminds me a bit of Lou Reed.

 

The song has a cool vibe. The change in the chorus works well.

 

The prechorus could use a bit of a changeup in either rhythm or chord progression. The melody doesn't seem completely nailed down to me even taking into account the pitchiness of the vocals. There is some good stuff in here, just needs some honing.

 

Cool tune with potential.

 

Peace,

TC

Thanks! Sorry for the late reply, just been really busy.

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