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Posted (edited)

This is my song Where she gone, any criticism will be welcomed, I haven't a clue whether my songs are good or bad, so would be good to get some feed back.

 

Update: 

Someone kindly pointed out that The 4 sample songs I put on earlier didn't have enough content of the song with it only being a verse and chorus of each, so this is 'Where she's gone.'

 

(Verse)

Sun shines down through the glass, 

Slowly moves, the hour passed for you.

Reflecting on the memories, casualties passed along the way.

 

(Pre chorus)

And you wanted to be free but,

Your chained down to reality,

You say,

But you might just be the opposite,

Trading your sole, for a day of fame.

 

(Chorus)

Let's say when, were doing it again,

Waiting for the moment to come,

And every now and then,

See her dancing in the rain,

Someone please tell me where she went.

Where she's go------------------ne 

(Instrumental)

 

(Verse)

From one home to another, 

Stuck in life's, backwards game.

Few words to ya brother,

You'll find what you are looking for some day.

 

(Pre Chorus)

And you wanted to be free but, 

Your chained down to reality you say.

But you might just mean the opposite, 

I know how you feel, if it's all the same.

 

(Chorus)

(Outro)

Take a walk down town, a swim down, Stream, a dive into the open sea, forget the chances you have lost, break free of the chains before you get lost.

(Pre Chorus)

(Chorus)

End.

 

 

Edited by Steve Ather
Make it easier for users.

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Hi Steve,

 

It's best to pick one song and post that... in the fullest form you have it (even if you've not finished writing it). 

 

The way this board is structured, people will post feedback on one song at a time. Also best to post the words to help people give feedback on them too. 

 

Sounds like some good ideas... just a bit hard to comment in more detail because you move on to another song after such a short time. 

 

Dek

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Yeah sorry about that, I recorded a few samples of songs to show my family as I had a choice of one song to record. I just transfered it to sound cloud, I'll record the full version's of them and post one at a time. :) Thanks.

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The 'pre-chorus' is not a pre-chorus but just another verse - or the continuation of the verse before it. Well, the second - ... "for a day of fame" - has a bit more of a lift (another term for 'pre-chorus' that better describes its funtion). The chorus seems to repeat the same tune yet again, or at least has got way too similar to stand out. Maybe just try using different chords...

The lyrics are fine. Except, you don't mean "sole", do you? How about "soul"? But the difference isn't audible anyway ;-)

Cheers,
Bernd

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Posted (edited)

Very Oasis-like, and I dig it for that reason alone. :)  Really love the progression change for the chorus - sweet.  I can hear how this would sound killer with full production.  The lyric?  Eh.  Do I really care? ;)   I do think you need to work on the timing/prosody of your vocal delivery though.  Nothing practice and/or recording vocals separately couldn't fix.   Just my opinions.

 

 

 

Edited by HoboSage
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I enjoyed this and look forward to hearing another recording of it. Not sure what the spaces at your house are like, but you might want to look for a larger spot with deader acoustics (especially if you are planning on doing this over). Thanks for the chance to listen.

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I like the sound of this sounds good bit of a verve feel to it

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I had the same thought as Steve Mueske. You are so far away from the mic that all the room noise is getting in there and making it harder to really get into it. If you do record again, come closer, we won't bite. 

 

I also second Bernd in that your labeling for which parts of the song are verse and chorus are 1) wrong, and 2) not really necessary. I never got why lyrics on record jackets felt the need to do that either (mark VERSE and CHORUS and all that). Seems weird to me.

 

As for the song itself, you've only really got one 6-note melodic idea here that you repeat over & over. In what you are calling the chorus you change up the chords just a little bit but nothing else changes too much. I'd prefer a lot more contrast between the verses and chorus.

 

In the chorus you switch from "you" to "she" and it feels really odd. Are they two different people you're singing about?

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On 07/03/2017 at 0:42 PM, Bernd said:

The 'pre-chorus' is not a pre-chorus but just another verse - or the continuation of the verse before it. Well, the second - ... "for a day of fame" - has a bit more of a lift (another term for 'pre-chorus' that better describes its funtion). The chorus seems to repeat the same tune yet again, or at least has got way too similar to stand out. Maybe just try using different chords...

The lyrics are fine. Except, you don't mean "sole", do you? How about "soul"? But the difference isn't audible anyway ;-)

Cheers,
Bernd

Cheers, I'll have a look at the song see about changing it slightly or maybe try a different octave for the chorus. I just tried to structure it like a song, I guess the change in what I'm expressing in the song was the reason I called it a pre chorus.

And yeah Soul/sole that's my song writing dyslexia kicking in ha ha!

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On 07/03/2017 at 8:46 PM, Steve Mueske said:

I enjoyed this and look forward to hearing another recording of it. Not sure what the spaces at your house are like, but you might want to look for a larger spot with deader acoustics (especially if you are planning on doing this over). Thanks for the chance to listen.

Probably need my PA plugged in that far away. Thanks.

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On 09/03/2017 at 0:01 AM, Jim of Seattle said:

I had the same thought as Steve Mueske. You are so far away from the mic that all the room noise is getting in there and making it harder to really get into it. If you do record again, come closer, we won't bite. 

 

I also second Bernd in that your labeling for which parts of the song are verse and chorus are 1) wrong, and 2) not really necessary. I never got why lyrics on record jackets felt the need to do that either (mark VERSE and CHORUS and all that). Seems weird to me.

 

As for the song itself, you've only really got one 6-note melodic idea here that you repeat over & over. In what you are calling the chorus you change up the chords just a little bit but nothing else changes too much. I'd prefer a lot more contrast between the verses and chorus.

 

In the chorus you switch from "you" to "she" and it feels really odd. Are they two different people you're singing about?

I'll take that all into account, maybe stick something else on top of what I've got change things up a bit. It was actually written about my Brothers divorce  (got to get inspiration from where you can lol.) 

The verses where explaining about my brothers unfortunate divorce about him finding a way out. The chorus was about her changing into a scorned women, suppose like Noel said, there was no Sally the lyrics just went together.

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On 07/03/2017 at 6:32 PM, HoboSage said:

Very Oasis-like, and I dig it for that reason alone. :)  Really love the progression change for the chorus - sweet.  I can hear how this would sound killer with full production.  The lyric?  Eh.  Do I really care? ;)   I do think you need to work on the timing/prosody of your vocal delivery though.  Nothing practice and/or recording vocals separately couldn't fix.   Just my opinions.

 

 

 

Cheers, yeah it's not the best for all the vocal timing, but it will be, thanks it's a definite compliment to eventure be compared to a likeness of Oasis. :)

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