Lyrics Writing Challenge: Spring

[McnaughtonPark]

Are we supposed to be editing these things now or waiting for the critique and the poll?  I've edited the lyric above and come up with a hook and rhyme scheme and recorded a first draft, really rough tho.  But don't really understand the challenge I guess.

[Timbre]

Here's my take on new love that comes later in life.

 

Coming Into Bloom

 

Copyright © 2016 by L.C. Campbell

 

Winter’s giving way to spring

Warmer days are lingering

And just like life begins anew

I’m coming into bloom

 

I’d fallen out of season

Gave up on believing

Love’s the seed I buried deep

Within my dreams of you

 

I know it’s still a fragile thing

Late frost a possibility

But I can almost feel the sun

And now it’s rising into view

 

Like fresh petals opening

Unsure of what the morning brings

I can’t recall the last time

I felt so brand new

 

Winter’s giving way to spring

Warmer days are lingering

And just like life begins anew

I’m coming into bloom

[McnaughtonPark]

4 minutes ago, Timbre said:

Here's my take on new love that comes later in life.

 

Coming Into Bloom

 

Copyright © 2016 by L.C. Campbell

 

Winter’s giving way to spring

Warmer days are lingering

And just like life begins anew

I’m coming into bloom

 

I’d fallen out of season

Gave up on believing

Love’s the seed I buried deep

Within my dreams of you

 

I know it’s still a fragile thing

Late frost a possibility

But I can almost feel the sun

And now it’s rising into view

 

Like fresh petals opening

Unsure of what the morning brings

I can’t recall the last time

I felt so brand new

 

Winter’s giving way to spring

Warmer days are lingering

And just like life begins anew

I’m coming into bloom

Yea, see, that's a nice spring lyric.  Really hit on some good points and caught the feeling of coming out of winter well.

[Timbre]

Thanks. I kept tripping myself up on the happy angle and I realized that, for me, spring was more about a renewal of hope than getting all the way to happy. ~T

[Pahchisme Plaid]

On 3/18/2017 at 2:24 PM, McnaughtonPark said:

The challenge is a good.  It made me think this may be exactly what I need.   I write to hide myself in the words, if you read the first version as the lyric talking to me, the lyric is the helium, it makes better sense.....to me.  But, I can't keep doing that so here is the rewrite, not from the lyrics perspective but mine and a scratch track

 

 

Helium

 

Take a walk with me
Along the ocean floor
We'll watch the ships that sail
From Spain to Hannibal
The octopus of time
Will never reach our endless fun
Rising out of the surprise
I could be your helium

 

Springtime, summertime
Hit me with a rewind, soon
Springtime, summertime
Hit me with a rewind, soon

 

Winter lasts too long
For a girl like you
All the glitter of the world
Covered by a frosty gloom
Spring is almost here
I can feel it in the sun
We could chance a little fire
I could be your helium

 

Springtime, summertime
Hit me with a rewind, soon
Springtime, summertime
Hit me with a rewind, soon

 

Yellow, red and green and blue
Fill up the brand new sky
Clouds look like balloons
You can see them if you try
Chase them 'round in circles
Laughing in delirium
We could pass them in a rocket
I could be your helium

 

Springtime, summertime
Hit me with a rewind, soon
Springtime, summertime
Hit me with a rewind, soon

 

The music to this has me thinking car top down riding along in the sun with the radio up.  It does have a chipper, yet smooth feel to it.  Prior to listening, I didn't appreciate the images in your verses so much as once I listened.  The melody opened them up for me (plus when I was last looking, I was experiencing mental fatigue which I struggle with sometimes). I need a good listen when my brain was a bit refreshed.  This to me has a late spring into summer feel to it (consistently warmer weather full grass and leaves on trees where everything is green), rather than early spring (the muddy/messy part of Spring.  Regardless of what you mentioned before, I think the light and enjoyable aspects of the later part of the season came through in your expressions.  Helium gives the sense of being lifted, so from my perspective, you're wanting to lift the spirits of your company.  I also noticed how you incorporated that you'd chance a little fire-- Whoa!!  The visual of that is explosive!  It's a subtle, snuck-in there line with a punch.  It almost requires a pause in attention to process the contrasting intensity of it.

[McnaughtonPark]

Thanks T.  I really needed this challenge, I'm feeling better emotionally.  Physically, I'm out taking rocks out of the yard, from the snowblower pushing snow all winter.  Four wheelbarrow fills so far.  But I feel good.

[Pahchisme Plaid]

4 hours ago, McnaughtonPark said:

Unless you mean honesty like this John.  Still in its infancy stage because I can't decide on a hook or hook placement or rhyme scheme or song structure or bridge .  It's an attempt at plain speaking and honesty which was inspired by your mentioning talking to someone about suicide.  That's all I have to say about that.

 

Springtime 
people get crazy
Start thinking things
That get em nowhere
 Like how a bullet
Holds the answer
For a problem
That won't go away

 

Lovers
Start feeling empty
Suspicion lurking
Behind their eyes
Futures 
Start getting frizzy
All getting tangled
In Their own demise 

 

But don't give up yet
Look at that old man
You think he never 
Felt this down
You think he was happy
Every morning 
You think he never
Had a care in the world

 

Who said this was easy
They were fools then
Probably got pleasure
From seeing you squirm 
Cause nothing's cheap here
It all costs something
The deeper it hurts
The more you care

 

It's like the seasons
There's a winter
Cold blowing blizzards
Dark most the time
Then there's spring
It can be harder
Whenever change 
Leaves us behind

 

There's at least two ways
To look at answers
It's either quit now
And never know
Or you could step out
Into the spring air
Believing deep down
You're not alone

 

We've all been there
come out the far side
Those say they haven't 
They're f*cking liars
Or else they're insane 
Either way though 
Keep your distance 
Leave them behind

 

Sun's about up
It's almost morning
We almost made it
Through another night
Let's get some breakfast
Smell the coffee
Sit outside
And feel the sun

 

Ain't saying it's over
Ain't saying you're all done
There's many more nights
We'll do this again
 I'm grateful this time
This time we made it
We made it together
Together as friends 

This started out really tense.  The images in your first verse appeared to set a tone, however, this very much expresses how one processes out of that mindset--at least for another day and I like how you reasoned the options and chose the more hopeful of the two and ended on a thankful, hopeful note.  It certainly holds some tension until then.  I'm really curious now as to what the accompanying music will convey.

[Pahchisme Plaid]

1 hour ago, Timbre said:

Here's my take on new love that comes later in life.

 

Coming Into Bloom

 

Copyright © 2016 by L.C. Campbell

 

Winter’s giving way to spring

Warmer days are lingering

And just like life begins anew

I’m coming into bloom

 

I’d fallen out of season

Gave up on believing

Love’s the seed I buried deep

Within my dreams of you

 

I know it’s still a fragile thing

Late frost a possibility

But I can almost feel the sun

And now it’s rising into view

 

Like fresh petals opening

Unsure of what the morning brings

I can’t recall the last time

I felt so brand new

 

Winter’s giving way to spring

Warmer days are lingering

And just like life begins anew

I’m coming into bloom

"I'm coming into bloom" speaks volumes of hope and life--even speaks somewhat of a maturing.  That's a great word picture for those topics and speaks of Spring well.  Each of these verses says something new and interesting, true and leans in toward the positive--the same things that Spring speaks to me.  

[McnaughtonPark]

 

Edit, now I'm recording this one.   Another scratch track for now

 

 

Then There's Spring

 

Springtime 
people get crazy
Start thinking things
That get em nowhere
Like how a bullet
Holds the answer
For a problem
That won't go away

 

Lovers
Start feeling empty
Suspicion lurking
Behind their eyes
Futures 
getting frizzy
All tangled up
In Its own demise 

 

when you you need a friend

you need a friend

I'm looking at mine

 

don't give up yet
Look at that old man
You think he never 
Felt this low
You think he was happy
Every morning 
You think he never
Had a care in the world

 

Who said this was easy
They were fools then
Probably got pleasure
From seeing you squirm 
Cause nothing's cheap here
It all costs something
The more you care

the deeper it hurts

 

when you need a friend

you need a friend

im lookin at mine

 

It's like the seasons
There's a winter
Cold blowing blizzards
Dark most the time
Then there's spring
It can be harder
Whenever change 
Leaves us behind

 

There's two ways
To look at answers
It's either quit now
And never know
Or you could step out
Into the spring air
Believing deep down
You're not alone

 

when you need a friend

you need a friend

im lookin at mine

 

We've all been there
come out the far side
Those say they haven't 
They're f*cking liars
Or else they're insane 
Either way though 
Keep your distance 
Leave them behind

 

Sun's about up
It's almost morning
We almost made it
another night
Let's get some breakfast
Smell the coffee
feel the sun

and go outside

 

when you need a friend

you need a friend

im lookin at mine

 

 

 

[McnaughtonPark]

What are we doing here?

[john]

Sorry MP, I've been busy behind the scenes.

 

So the idea is to develop drafts in this topic before posting your finished work with an attached poll. The poll will relate to the aims of the brief. I will post up suggested poll questions later today.

 

The idea here is multiple... to stretch your writing, confronting weaknesses, developing strengths, encouraging experimentation and sometimes collaboration. Keeping developing works within the topic is to allow brief focused idea development and critique, and then posting the final work is to allow you to draw a line under it and to get specific, measured feedback to inform you for future writes. Of course you could chose to carry on after that, but this allows for focused writing exercises.

 

Make sense?

[john]

Suggested poll questions:

 

Would you considered this to be an upbeat song?

In your opinion, does this song reflect or suggest the feeling of spring?

Is the overall feeling of this song hopeful?

 

I suggest making each question where only one choice can be selected from multiple answers. It is up to you how many choices for each but I would suggest a minimum of 3 (yes, no, maybe) but 5 might be better with 1 being no and yes being 5. 

 

This is for you, so tailor the poll for you.

[Timbre]

MP,

 

I had to sit with this one a while. Lots to take in. So where I am with this is that everything here is worth saying. I finished the song thinking "yeah! cool!" but it was a lot in one sitting. I found myself enjoying each verse both musically and lyrically but losing place of where I was in the song. So on the one hand it was easy to stay in the moment, but on the other hand it was hard to keep track of where I'd just been  and where the song was going to take me next. 

 

So the challenge is finding an earlier stopping point that still feels like you got across what you most want to say. This raises the question of what to keep, which is hard because it's all good. I don't have a strong opinion but you might edit it one way to meet the spring challenge and another way to suit other purposes. From the perspective of the challenge, I thought that the spring theme got diluted because there was so much content. 

 

On 3/21/2017 at 3:08 PM, McnaughtonPark said:

Then there's spring
It can be harder
Whenever change 
Leaves us behind

This part really spoke to me. My takeaway was that spring can leave us behind when we are still stuck in winter (low, sad, hopeless) but messages/signs of hope and renewal are all around us. But it gets lost and I really think it gets to the heart of what spring can feel like to some folks. Not hopeful but very real. Enjoyed it.

 

~T

[john]

On 15/03/2017 at 8:44 PM, Pahchisme Plaid said:

Here's one of my two submissions for the "Spring" lyric challenge.  I wasn't sure about this one, so I did another.  This is sort of a silly one.

 

My Springtime Song  (It Feels So Good!)
lyrics by Kc Chad © 2017

 

My Springtime song
 got my mudboots on
slip-sliding along
leaving skids like a car
leaves black on the tar
Fingerpaints by foot
Squiggle, gobbledy gook
And it feels so good!

 

My Springtime song
 got my mudboots on
splish-spashing in ponds
Mom says I need waders
when I wrestle them gators
scales of bark on logs
near the edge of the pond
Ah!  It feels so good!

 

My Springtime song
I got my mudboots on
I'm swish-swashing along
splashing with an aim (to)
create tsunami waves
in those puddles like ponds
My shade of fun!
And it feels so good!

 

My Springtime song
I got my mud boots on
I'm heading for home
soaked to my underpants
My noggin's duly drenched drizzling drips strings of hair
And it feels so good!

 

Springtime, Springtime,
pie is on, make me a cake
that packs a crunch. (crunch, crunch)
 

 

Certainly evocative. A front loaded refrain and at the end of each verse too!  Just on that I think I would choose either / or. Together they compete. My only other point would be consistency in rhyme scheme. You use full, strong rhymes, so when misplaced or missed it is unsettling and many would notice it felt off, but not know why. You can use that, once perhaps, in some songs, but that tends to be in certain types of songs and in certain places. In this it feels accidental. An oversight.

 

I loved the imagery, the sense of being a kid, playing, a kid in the big world exploring and revelling in it.

 

Who would you see as your main market / listeners?

[john]

On 19/03/2017 at 2:11 PM, McnaughtonPark said:

Unless you mean honesty like this John.  Still in its infancy stage because I can't decide on a hook or hook placement or rhyme scheme or song structure or bridge .  It's an attempt at plain speaking and honesty which was inspired by your mentioning talking to someone about suicide.  That's all I have to say about that.

 

Springtime 
people get crazy
Start thinking things
That get em nowhere
 Like how a bullet
Holds the answer
For a problem
That won't go away

 

Lovers
Start feeling empty
Suspicion lurking
Behind their eyes
Futures 
Start getting frizzy
All getting tangled
In Their own demise 

 

But don't give up yet
Look at that old man
You think he never 
Felt this down
You think he was happy
Every morning 
You think he never
Had a care in the world

 

Who said this was easy
They were fools then
Probably got pleasure
From seeing you squirm 
Cause nothing's cheap here
It all costs something
The deeper it hurts
The more you care

 

It's like the seasons
There's a winter
Cold blowing blizzards
Dark most the time
Then there's spring
It can be harder
Whenever change 
Leaves us behind

 

There's at least two ways
To look at answers
It's either quit now
And never know
Or you could step out
Into the spring air
Believing deep down
You're not alone

 

We've all been there
come out the far side
Those say they haven't 
They're f*cking liars
Or else they're insane 
Either way though 
Keep your distance 
Leave them behind

 

Sun's about up
It's almost morning
We almost made it
Through another night
Let's get some breakfast
Smell the coffee
Sit outside
And feel the sun

 

Ain't saying it's over
Ain't saying you're all done
There's many more nights
We'll do this again
 I'm grateful this time
This time we made it
We made it together
Together as friends 

 

I like this, but it's not exactly a spring like aspiration. It feels too dark and reflective. When you mix emotions like this I think 80:20 is the max balance for the secondary emotion, but this feels like  the spring vibe here is closer to 10. Still, I like it.

 

It does have a good number of fairly neutral emotion lines, but the happy / up is hardly effusive so it feels non-commital. Meanwhile negativity is more freely expressed.

 

Honesty is good. It works, but in this, for this challenge, I think it misses the brief

[john]

On 18/03/2017 at 0:57 PM, McnaughtonPark said:

I've always had, well not alaways but for last last 5 or so years, trouble writing upbeat songs.  I want too though.

 

this thing is a first draft mess, I wrote it last night in bed after singing the helium line just before turning in.  I didn't want to forget it so I whipped out the phone and this is where it ended up before I fell asleep.

 

Won't you walk with me
Along the ocean floor
We could watch the ships that sail
From Spain to Hannibal 
You could have me anytime 
I could be your careless fun
Rising out of the surprise 
I could be your helium

 

Winter lasts too long
For a girl as free as you
All the glitter of the earth
darkened by the frosty gloom
spring is almost here
I can feel it in the sun
We could chance a little fire
I could be your helium

 

springtime, summertime, be mine, rewind

 

Yellow red and green and blue
Filling up the lonely sky
The clouds are like balloons
You can see them if you try
I've never been so full of wonder
You're the one need to I love
We could leave this all behind
Let me be your helium

 

springtime, summertime, be mine, rewind

 

Break the cylinder of sand
Throw it up against the wall
Time's a woven span
It hasn't stopped, it never will
Before this spring is over
And summer has begun
We could sail the universe 
If I was your helium

 

springtime, summertime, be mine, rewind

 

 

I like this too. I think the helium idea is great, but then you pull your punch. The last past tense recycle loses it's hopeful / aspirational slant.

 

For a song with loads of simple easy to get stuff there are a few intellectual lines, poetic and flowery or obscure. Those lines may hold a depth of meaning but they are likely to lose you some of your audience.

 

You segue into a song that uses the cycle of seasons as a back story. It isn't a crime to be happy, you are allowed!  Apart from that you have the skills and the heart of a wordsmith. Happy songs are in you, but you really have to commit.

 

Spring summertime, be mine, rewind feels out of place, like an afterthought. I get that it is hopeful, almost wistful, but it feels passive. The idea of "be mine" is worth working in, but I don't think that section is really needed.

 

You could be less passitive by saying "I am yours, I am your helium", with a focus on your aspiration to be there, to be uplifting, to inspire, to keep life light and easy... all of the above. You have elements of this.

 

Words like "careless" have negative connotations. I think you mean "carefree", that sounds lighter, more optimistic. "Darkened by the frosty gloom." certainly introduces contrast, but it also saps the up feeling. Nursery rhymes about death didn't use dark words to discuss the issue for a reason. I don't mean don't refer to bad things or negative thoughts, more that you try to briefly touch them in as light a way as you can. The energy of up songs are quickly contaminated by strong negativity. As a result it is often better to allude to gently, or brush over it altogether. Weirdly doom and gloom songs are not contaminated to the same extent by a happy thought. 

 

The one type of exception to this that I have found is the inspirational song for long standing situations, where the feeling is aspirational and determined, but not optimistic. An example in point would be the anthem played for Scotland at many sporting events, a folk song, "Flower Of Scotland". In the song, it is generally down beat, with a determined chorus about a past victory. The aspiration focuses on the 3rd verse, particularly the last line set up before the chorus.... which modifies the chorus meaning to feel more aspirational. Not exactly "spring", but uplifting nonetheless.

 

Just my two cents.

 

[McnaughtonPark]

45 minutes ago, john said:

 

I like this too. I think the helium idea is great, but then you pull your punch. The last past tense recycle loses it's hopeful / aspirational slant.

 

For a song with loads of simple easy to get stuff there are a few intellectual lines, poetic and flowery or obscure. Those lines may hold a depth of meaning but they are likely to lose you some of your audience.

 

You segue into a song that uses the cycle of seasons as a back story. It isn't a crime to be happy, you are allowed!  Apart from that you have the skills and the heart of a wordsmith. Happy songs are in you, but you really have to commit.

 

Spring summertime, be mine, rewind feels out of place, like an afterthought. I get that it is hopeful, almost wistful, but it feels passive. The idea of "be mine" is worth working in, but I don't think that section is really needed.

 

You could be less passitive by saying "I am yours, I am your helium", with a focus on your aspiration to be there, to be uplifting, to inspire, to keep life light and easy... all of the above. You have elements of this.

 

Words like "careless" have negative connotations. I think you mean "carefree", that sounds lighter, more optimistic. "Darkened by the frosty gloom." certainly introduces contrast, but it also saps the up feeling. Nursery rhymes about death didn't use dark words to discuss the issue for a reason. I don't mean don't refer to bad things or negative thoughts, more that you try to briefly touch them in as light a way as you can. The energy of up songs are quickly contaminated by strong negativity. As a result it is often better to allude to gently, or brush over it altogether. Weirdly doom and gloom songs are not contaminated to the same extent by a happy thought. 

 

The one type of exception to this that I have found is the inspirational song for long standing situations, where the feeling is aspirational and determined, but not optimistic. An example in point would be the anthem played for Scotland at many sporting events, a folk song, "Flower Of Scotland". In the song, it is generally down beat, with a determined chorus about a past victory. The aspiration focuses on the 3rd verse, particularly the last line set up before the chorus.... which modifies the chorus meaning to feel more aspirational. Not exactly "spring", but uplifting nonetheless.

 

Just my two cents.

 

I did a further edit in the sung/melody version.  The hook was an afterthought, you are correct.

 

ill edit it again with your suggestions and see if I can bring it up some more.  

 

Thank you you for the good critique 

 

Tom

[McnaughtonPark]

6 hours ago, john said:

 

I like this, but it's not exactly a spring like aspiration. It feels too dark and reflective. When you mix emotions like this I think 80:20 is the max balance for the secondary emotion, but this feels like  the spring vibe here is closer to 10. Still, I like it.

 

It does have a good number of fairly neutral emotion lines, but the happy / up is hardly effusive so it feels non-commital. Meanwhile negativity is more freely expressed.

 

Honesty is good. It works, but in this, for this challenge, I think it misses the brief

Yes, this one did steer clear of the challenge goals.  Uplifting suicide song...hmm.

 

oops, I just wrote a response to the other lyric here.  Lol, there's an ad for some ADHD gadget at the bottom of the page,  maybe I should order it.

 

[Timbre]

On 3/19/2017 at 2:59 PM, Pahchisme Plaid said:

"I'm coming into bloom" speaks volumes of hope and life--even speaks somewhat of a maturing.  That's a great word picture for those topics and speaks of Spring well.  Each of these verses says something new and interesting, true and leans in toward the positive--the same things that Spring speaks to me.  

Sorry, Pahchisme. I missed your comment at the end. Thanks for the encouragement. Just realized that this may be the first set of lyrics I've written without a verse-chorus structure. It's cool that the challenge took me in this direction. I think the structure ended up fitting my idea of spring as this unfolding experience where there's always something new. ~T

[Pahchisme Plaid]

7 hours ago, john said:

A front loaded refrain and at the end of each verse too!  Just on that I think I would choose either / or.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a clarifying question just to be sure I understand correctly.  Do you mean you would choose to use either, "My Springtime song, got my mud boots on" OR "It feels so good!"

 

OR do you mean,  choose between "My Springtime song" and "Got my mud boots on" ( I juggled whether to have "My Springtime song" be there or not).  I tend to think you meant the former, but just wanted to be sure.

 

also

Is the rhyme in question, the "Drizzling drips strings of hair"?  Yes.  Thank  you for pointing that out.  You are absolutely right!  

 

Also, regarding my target audience, I probably don't ask myself that often enough.  I tend to create and ask later.  It probably would be a song best suited for theater or children or even a commercial.  I don't see this really being a top 10 hits sort of thing.