Lyrics Writing Challenge: Spring

[john]

3 hours ago, Pahchisme Plaid said:

I hope you don't mind if I ask a clarifying question just to be sure I understand correctly.  Do you mean you would choose to use either, "My Springtime song, got my mud boots on" OR "It feels so good!"

 

OR do you mean,  choose between "My Springtime song" and "Got my mud boots on" ( I juggled whether to have "My Springtime song" be there or not).  I tend to think you meant the former, but just wanted to be sure.

 

also

Is the rhyme in question, the "Drizzling drips strings of hair"?  Yes.  Thank  you for pointing that out.  You are absolutely right!  

 

Also, regarding my target audience, I probably don't ask myself that often enough.  I tend to create and ask later.  It probably would be a song best suited for theater or children or even a commercial.  I don't see this really being a top 10 hits sort of thing.

 

Yep, your first option of leading lines or the final line refrain. Sometimes a single line at beginning and end can work, but I just think 3 lines is a bit much.

 

Yes on the rhyme

 

With a brief having a target audience can help with focus, but there are times it can be good to just have a wander lol

[Peggy]

Hi,

My spring entry if it's not too late

 

Springtime and Mom   Copyright 03/17/2017 Peggy L. Smart-Barnes

------ C 1 --------
Never had to feel
The stinging cold of wintertime
Never had to see
The darkest night it brings
Waking up each day
Would be a fresh new calm
It was
Springtime and Mom

------ V 1 --------
She was springtime all year long
A clock ticking as birds sang their song
Flowers blooming or waiting their turn
Gentle courage showing you could

------ V 2 --------
She brought sunshine after the rain
A warm comfort for whatever the pain
Breezes dancing and moving the clouds
Brightened spirits making  you smile

------ V 3 --------
She joined laughter as children play
A time building for the very next day
Leaving something but nothing that showed
Some way you'd be nourished to grow

------ V 4 --------
She sensed quiet as the sunset came
The sounds of crickets never the same
Touching dreams with prayers from her heart
Ever resting as the petals dropped

------ C 2 -----
Never had to feel
The stinging cold of wintertime
Never had to see
The darkest night it brings
For every night
Would be an ending calm
It was
Springtime and Mom

 

[McnaughtonPark]

15 hours ago, Peggy said:

Hi,

My spring entry if it's not too late

 

Springtime and Mom   Copyright 03/17/2017 Peggy L. Smart-Barnes

------ C 1 --------
Never had to feel
The stinging cold of wintertime
Never had to see
The darkest night it brings
Waking up each day
Would be a fresh new calm
It was
Springtime and Mom

------ V 1 --------
She was springtime all year long
A clock ticking as birds sang their song
Flowers blooming or waiting their turn
Gentle courage showing you could

------ V 2 --------
She brought sunshine after the rain
A warm comfort for whatever the pain
Breezes dancing and moving the clouds
Brightened spirits making  you smile

------ V 3 --------
She joined laughter as children play
A time building for the very next day
Leaving something but nothing that showed
Some way you'd be nourist to grow

------ V 4 --------
She sensed quiet as the sunset came
The sounds of crickets never the same
Touching dreams with prayers from her heart
Ever resting as the petals dropped

------ C 2 -----
Never had to feel
The stinging cold of wintertime
Never had to see
The darkest night it brings
For every night
Would be an ending calm
It was
Springtime and Mom

 

Hey Peggy,  I like this, the idea of a mother being springtime.  I could imagine my sisters would really like it.

 

not a conventional structure, and others may find that unsettling, I don't, I've written at lest one song with this structure and it's one of a few I don't get tired of listening to.  But, it was not written as an upbeat song, so I'm not sure how yours will sound with upbeat melodies in four consecutive verses.  If your refrain is starting the song in upbeat fashion, it's also closing that way, and while that seems fine I wonder where you then go for four verses in a row?  I'd rather see you succeed with unconventional structure then to see you edit it to a vcvcvc structure.  But the key will be in the movement and direction of melody.  Of course, certain song structures work for certain themes, but damn it, I say go for it and good luck.

 

now, I'm not sure you couldn't remove the and and go with Springtime Mom to make it one entity.  Springtime and Mom are two nouns, Springtime Mom makes Springtime an adjective which colors the noun Mom.  That makes Mom more discriptive and helps support the verses better.

 

the first line of V1 uses a metaphor, therefore it colors every line that comes after it, making Mom a clock that ticks.  Is that what you want to say?  Or are you hearing a clock tick with birds singing and the clock is not Mom?  I'm thinking the latter so you could choose to change the metaphor in line one to a simile, or in line two make Mom something other than a clock that ticks.

 

As I read down through the first lines of all the verses I read how they effect the following lines of the respective verse and see some other issues arise.  Paying particular attention to tense and point of view issues along the way, there are some spots still which need attention and one spelling error nourished.

 

with all that said, I feel the sentiment of the lyric, and it did make me think back about how my mother loved Springtime and I could see her out planting bulbs and going through the house opening windows.  That much came through very well and I so admire how you and the other women have been able to capture the feeling of spring in your lyrics during this challenge.

 

oh, and my mom took spring cleaning very seriously,  she had chores, lists of chores for everyone, lots of kids, big house, lots of movement and she would have her radio on and my sisters would have theirs on and you could move through the house with different smells from vinegar to ammonia to lemon furniture polish and different songs from the big band era to The Rolling Stones and you could watch the drapes rise in the breeze blowing in through the open window which had just woken up from its long winters nap and in a way it was new, it was spring and it was Mom.  All the while she wouldn't stop, she could issue new tasks to any malingering child without even raising her head to see who was there.  She danced with work and sang with instructions and that big house would sparkle and shine.  

 

[Peggy]

Hi MP,

Thanks for the input. Fixed that spelling error. Yikes!!  Now I can move on and think through the rest of what you're telling me here. 

 

1 hour ago, McnaughtonPark said:

oh, and my mom took spring cleaning very seriously,  she had chores, lists of chores for everyone, lots of kids, big house, lots of movement and she would have her radio on and my sisters would have theirs on and you could move through the house with different smells from vinegar to ammonia to lemon furniture polish and different songs from the big band era to The Rolling Stones and you could watch the drapes rise in the breeze blowing in through the open window which had just woken up from its long winters nap and in a way it was new, it was spring and it was Mom.  All the while she wouldn't stop, she could issue new tasks to any malingering child without even raising her head to see who was there.  She danced with work and sang with instructions and that big house would sparkle and shine.  

 

Wow,  your Mom sounds wonderful " it was spring and it was Mom".

AND you just described my house and family when we were growing up. I mean, really nailed it.

 

Back to working through issues you pointed out.

Peggy

[Timbre]

I like the idea of your Mom as synonymous with spring. All the good ones are! Nice to be reminded.

 

I also think the structure works well to build the metaphor without the interruption of a chorus. I was curious about whether you intended the verses to represent the arc of the day from morning to night. The final verse made me wonder about that because of the bedtime prayer imagery and V3 referred to the next day. If that’s what you were going for I think that is a clever idea, but the imagery in V1-V3 could be strengthened to fit the arc better, so V1 could invoke morning, V2 could describe mid-day, etc.

 

18 hours ago, Peggy said:

------ V 3 --------
She joined laughter as children play
A time building for the very next day
Leaving something but nothing that showed
Some way you'd be nourished to grow

V3 didn’t hang together as much for me; the ideas weren’t at odds necessarily, but I couldn’t quite get the main idea of the verse. Perhaps fitting it into the arc of the day or some other organizing principle might help with deciding what main idea V3 should express.

18 hours ago, Peggy said:

Never had to feel
The stinging cold of wintertime
Never had to see
The darkest night it brings
For every night
Would be an ending calm
It was
Springtime and Mom

 

The second half of the chorus mixed me up a bit. The first half invoked the seasons and never having to experience the dark of winter. The second half talked about experiencing night, but in a calm way. It felt like there needed to be more of a contrast from dark/night to light/day in the chorus or something to support springtime to back up the hook.

 

A final thought was that I could see this being tweaked for different audiences to help them invoke whoever represents spring in their lives. To that end, I could see using a less literal hook—maybe “She’s Springtime”. Overall, I think this is a lovely idea to build on.

[Timbre]

 

3 hours ago, McnaughtonPark said:

oh, and my mom took spring cleaning very seriously,  she had chores, lists of chores for everyone, lots of kids, big house, lots of movement and she would have her radio on and my sisters would have theirs on and you could move through the house with different smells from vinegar to ammonia to lemon furniture polish and different songs from the big band era to The Rolling Stones and you could watch the drapes rise in the breeze blowing in through the open window which had just woken up from its long winters nap and in a way it was new, it was spring and it was Mom.  All the while she wouldn't stop, she could issue new tasks to any malingering child without even raising her head to see who was there.  She danced with work and sang with instructions and that big house would sparkle and shine.

MP--there's a song here! About togetherness and the sights, sounds, and smells of getting the house ready for spring.

[Peggy]

Hi Timbre,

Thank you for your comments. Lots of good thoughts and they will really help. Most of my writing just pops out and I have to figure it out.

Peggy

 

 

==== Got all this and MP's comments sinking in ...and I have some work. Some of these areas I worked on but not the best, as I can see now.

I don't always have a arc in mind but it ends up there. So I will definately look at making sure it follows start/end. 

[Peggy]

2 hours ago, Timbre said:

 

A final thought was that I could see this being tweaked for different audiences to help them invoke whoever represents spring in their lives. To that end, I could see using a less literal hook—maybe “She’s Springtime”. Overall, I think this is a lovely idea to build on.

Maybe I should go this direction?

[Timbre]

I think it works. Since your lyrics are in past tense, you could say "She was springtime". I also realized that's how the first verse starts out, so that's a nice tie in. ~T

[Peggy]

On 3/19/2017 at 0:22 PM, Timbre said:

Here's my take on new love that comes later in life.

 

Coming Into Bloom

 

Copyright © 2016 by L.C. Campbell

 

Winter’s giving way to spring

Warmer days are lingering

And just like life begins anew

I’m coming into bloom

 

I’d fallen out of season

Gave up on believing

Love’s the seed I buried deep

Within my dreams of you

 

I know it’s still a fragile thing

Late frost a possibility

But I can almost feel the sun

And now it’s rising into view

 

Like fresh petals opening

Unsure of what the morning brings

I can’t recall the last time

I felt so brand new

 

Winter’s giving way to spring

Warmer days are lingering

And just like life begins anew

I’m coming into bloom

Hi Timbre,

Your  lyric is pretty neat and I really like the "Coming Into Bloom".

 

A couple of things I was thinking about: 

 

"And just as life begins anew"  

"I had fallen out of season'

"Given up on believing"

 

Switching these two lines thinking it flows better with the other verses

"Unsure of what the morning brings"

"Like fresh petals opening"

 

Enjoy this alot. 

Peggy

[Timbre]

Thanks for critiquing, Peggy.

 

6 minutes ago, Peggy said:

"And just as life begins anew"  

I tried out the as vs like in the original write. I went with "like" because I wanted to stick with the metaphor of blooming like spring rather than blooming at the same time as spring. Hair-splitting, I know. I'll mull it over.

 

15 minutes ago, Peggy said:

"I had fallen out of season'

"Given up on believing"

I sometimes overuse contractions, and these line are good example of that. It's a spare lyric with plenty of room to say all the words. No need for shortcuts. Good suggestion.

 

17 minutes ago, Peggy said:

"Unsure of what the morning brings"

"Like fresh petals opening"

My first thought here was that I didn't want to bury the "petal/bloom" image in the 2nd line, but moving it does bring it closer to the "brand new", which reinforces the petal image so nothing is lost. I'm liking it! Thanks much. ~T

[McnaughtonPark]

Ok, so I took my Springtime lyric and melody and edited it after our conversation about spring cleaning.  Written from my motorcycles point of view.....

 

Springtime Jealous Motorcycle Blues

 

Springtime
People go crazy
Thinking things
Get 'em nowhere
Like how the cleaning
From floor to ceiling
Will help in eas'n
Worries and cares

 

Let me tell 'ya
I've seen enough now
The road is callin'
We need to roll
I'm in the garage
Been here all winter
It's time to warm up
Both our souls

 

When you need a friend
You need a friend
Here I am

 

Springtime
Feeling better
You see the sun
And feel it's glow
Did you forget
I'm all about that
I was born
To rock and roll

 

Go get the keys now
Fill up my tires
Check the oil
And start me up
Hear me growl
Feel me rumble
Swing a leg up
And ride me out

 

When you need a friend
You need a friend
Here I am

 

You and I
We've seen some good times
We've ridden miles
Without a care
So why you waiting
I'm always willing
Pick any place
I'll get you there

 

When you need a friend
You need a friend
Here I am

[Peggy]

Hi MP,

I really like this lyric.  Spring and motorcycles are a happy mix.  Friends that ride are revived, renewed, and ready. And it seems to be about the bike as much as spring riding. You brought it all there.  Can't listen right now but will get back.  

Nice going,

Peggy

[Timbre]

Hi, MP.

 

Cool idea about taking the bike out of storage and getting it ready to hit the open road. I thought a faster pace would give the whole thing a boost mood-wise. It would be more reminiscent of a driving song. But I like how it all came together.

 

~T

[McnaughtonPark]

14 hours ago, Timbre said:

Hi, MP.

 

Cool idea about taking the bike out of storage and getting it ready to hit the open road. I thought a faster pace would give the whole thing a boost mood-wise. It would be more reminiscent of a driving song. But I like how it all came together.

 

~T

I faster pace will require more verses...working on it.

[Timbre]

You could stretch out the chorus by repeating it twice. Might be a more efficient way to do it. ~T

[Peggy]

On 3/24/2017 at 4:52 PM, Peggy said:

Hi,

My spring entry if it's not too late

 

Springtime and Mom   Copyright 03/17/2017 Peggy L. Smart-Barnes

------ C 1 --------
Never had to feel
The stinging cold of wintertime
Never had to see
The darkest night it brings
Waking up each day
Would be a fresh new calm
It was
Springtime and Mom

------ V 1 --------
She was springtime all year long
A clock ticking as birds sang their song
Flowers blooming or waiting their turn
Gentle courage showing you could

------ V 2 --------
She brought sunshine after the rain
A warm comfort for whatever the pain
Breezes dancing and moving the clouds
Brightened spirits making  you smile

------ V 3 --------
She joined laughter as children play
A time building for the very next day
Leaving something but nothing that showed
Some way you'd be nourished to grow

------ V 4 --------
She sensed quiet as the sunset came
The sounds of crickets never the same
Touching dreams with prayers from her heart
Ever resting as the petals dropped

------ C 2 -----
Never had to feel
The stinging cold of wintertime
Never had to see
The darkest night it brings
For every night
Would be an ending calm
It was
Springtime and Mom

 

Hi,

Really been working on your guy's comments.  Thinking I'm getting there. Along with other changes mentioned, Going back to a couple of areas i changed from draft to first post. Not quite there but would like to know if this is getting closer with tense, pov, and story arc. 

 

*** Updated 03/27/2017 ***

 

Springtime and Mom   Copyright 03/17/2017 Peggy L. Smart-Barnes

------ C 1 --------
Never had to feel
The stinging cold of wintertime
Never had to fear
What the dawn would bring
We woke each day
To a fresh new calm
It was
Springtime and Mom

------ V 1 --------
She was springtime all year long
A clock ticking as birds sang their song
Flowers blooming or waiting their turn
Gentle courage showing you could

------ V 2 --------
She was sunshine after the rain
A warm comfort for whatever the pain
Breezes dancing and moving the clouds
Lighting spirits making  you smile

------ V 3 --------
She was laughter as children play
A time planting for the very next day
Leaving something but nothing that shows
Some way seeds were nourished to grow

------ V 4 --------
She was quiet as the sunset came
The sounds of crickets never the same
Touching dreams with prayers from her heart
Ever resting as the petals drop

------ C 2 -----
Never had to feel
The stinging cold of wintertime
Never had to see
The darkest night it brings
For every night
Would be an ending calm
It was
Springtime and Mom

 

********************

 

Thanks again, 

Peggy

[Timbre]

Hi, Peggy.

 

I like the way you've reworked the 2 choruses. This portion of V3 was a bit confusing. Maybe there's a way to say it more directly? ~T

8 hours ago, Peggy said:

A time planting for the very next day
Leaving something but nothing that shows
Some way seeds were nourished to grow

 

[Peggy]

1 hour ago, Timbre said:

Hi, Peggy.

 

I like the way you've reworked the 2 choruses. This portion of V3 was a bit confusing. Maybe there's a way to say it more directly? ~T

 

Thanks Timbre, a few areas that i understand personally more than the lyric touches. The clock line in v1, last 2 lines v3, 3rd  line v4. My challenge is making them work.  Appreciate so much ....and the arc comment..dang..you were so on it

Working

Peggy

 

Never be stuck to a line that doesn't work...use it in another lyric  haha

easier said than done..

Or make 2 versions 

Peggy

[McnaughtonPark]

18 hours ago, Peggy said:

Hi,

Really been working on your guy's comments.  Thinking I'm getting there. Along with other changes mentioned, Going back to a couple of areas i changed from draft to first post. Not quite there but would like to know if this is getting closer with tense, pov, and story arc. 

 

*** Updated 03/27/2017 ***

 

Springtime and Mom   Copyright 03/17/2017 Peggy L. Smart-Barnes

------ C 1 --------
Never had to feel
The stinging cold of wintertime
Never had to fear
What the dawn would bring
We woke each day
To a fresh new calm
It was
Springtime and Mom

------ V 1 --------
She was springtime all year long
A clock ticking as birds sang their song
Flowers blooming or waiting their turn
Gentle courage showing you could

------ V 2 --------
She was sunshine after the rain
A warm comfort for whatever the pain
Breezes dancing and moving the clouds
Lighting spirits making  you smile

------ V 3 --------
She was laughter as children play
A time planting for the very next day
Leaving something but nothing that shows
Some way seeds were nourished to grow

------ V 4 --------
She was quiet as the sunset came
The sounds of crickets never the same
Touching dreams with prayers from her heart
Ever resting as the petals drop

------ C 2 -----
Never had to feel
The stinging cold of wintertime
Never had to see
The darkest night it brings
For every night
Would be an ending calm
It was
Springtime and Mom

 

********************

 

Thanks again, 

Peggy

Is this really about the death of your mother?  That's what I'm getting, I've read through it a number of times.