Juin

Original song rough draft.

22 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Hey! This is my first time posting here, and I'm looking for pretty much any suggestions, and criticisms. I'm new at song writing, and I feel pretty lackluster. If you have general comments, or tips to help it would be much appreciated!

Thank you for your time :)!

 

Lyrics: You spoke of a willow Tree
And being In love
I spoke of a burning in my lungs
I feel if I don't look away
I'll likely turn to stone
You point out the Birds returned
I'm not sure I would have known
You're Sown with pedals and a hope
I'm not sure you know

 

Edited by Juin
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:o @Juin, you really surprised me with that song. You sound really good and that arrangement was beautiful - especially that intro! My only crit is that it ended so soon.

 

It's great to have you with us on Songstuff :)

 

Ken

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Posted (edited)

1 hour ago, ImKeN said:

:o @Juin, you really surprised me with that song. You sound really good and that arrangement was beautiful - especially that intro! My only crit is that it ended so soon.

 

It's great to have you with us on Songstuff :)

 

Ken

@ImKeN 

 

Thank you so much Ken! I appreciate the warm welcome :). I'm looking forward to getting to know the community better, and hearing some good music! 

 

Juin

Edited by Juin

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Very sweet tune, Juin. This sounds like a little teaser, tough. Once you've got a full song formulated and structured, I'm sure it's going to sound amazing. Oh.. and minimalism sounds nice with this song :)

 

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2 hours ago, Sreyashi Mukherjee said:

Very sweet tune, Juin. This sounds like a little teaser, tough. Once you've got a full song formulated and structured, I'm sure it's going to sound amazing. Oh.. and minimalism sounds nice with this song :)

 

@Sreyashi Mukherjee Thank you, I will take yours and Ken's advice, and try to add another "verse", or come up with a Chorus. Though I've always been terrible at writing those. Thank you for the advice, and kind words :)!

 

Juin

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Posted (edited)

I've listened to all your stuff on Youtube.  Musicianship, Singing, Wordsmithing - you got game.  I think you should be concentrating on making full arrangements and recordings of full songs which are commensurate with your other skills, because you've got a ways to go there.  I know you're part of the "look at me" Youtube generation.  But, so is everyone else and their brother - and their cat.  In my opinion, concentrating on making kick-ass audio recordings of killer songs is what your art really needs you to be doing right now, and what's going to really set you apart from the herd in the long run.  You've had this "start" of a song up since Saturday.  You should be nearly done with a full-blown killer multi-track arrangement and recording of it by now! ;)  Git 'er done! <heh-heh>

 

 

Edited by HoboSage

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Hey Juin,

 

what a voice! This is very haunting and beautiful. Very Sufjan Stevens. I feel like you have a great idea here and you just need to tease out the rest of the song! Well done.

 

 

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Wow that was class, build up to another level after that verse and you've got an extra beautiful song. Ah man I've only been on this site a week or so and I love it. Class!

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Great high singing voice. I wish I could get that high. I like the slow tempo way this progresses. 

 

I might add some space to the voice and instruments with a very small touch or reverb. I think the video is you and maybe you don't want to change that, however I could also see this music set to some kind of a video with a relaxing reflective subject.

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On 3/27/2017 at 5:35 PM, HoboSage said:

I've listened to all your stuff on Youtube.  Musicianship, Singing, Wordsmithing - you got game.  I think you should be concentrating on making full arrangements and recordings of full songs which are commensurate with your other skills, because you've got a ways to go there.  I know you're part of the "look at me" Youtube generation.  But, so is everyone else and their brother - and their cat.  In my opinion, concentrating on making kick-ass audio recordings of killer songs is what your art really needs you to be doing right now, and what's going to really set you apart from the herd in the long run.  You've had this "start" of a song up since Saturday.  You should be nearly done with a full-blown killer multi-track arrangement and recording of it by now! ;)  Git 'er done! <heh-heh>

 

 

@HoboSage Thank you for the compliments! I will take your advice on this, because it is out of laziness that I record with video. It is easier to do it on there, because I have no rhythm to record it part by part. I will work on this song, finish it, and record it the best that I know how part by part(No video)! Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it! Dang youtube generation :lol:. Any suggestions on recording software? I'm using audacity at the moment.

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On 3/27/2017 at 7:07 PM, AprilAudio said:

Hey Juin,

 

what a voice! This is very haunting and beautiful. Very Sufjan Stevens. I feel like you have a great idea here and you just need to tease out the rest of the song! Well done.

 

 

@AprilAudio Thanks man! I'll try to come up with something, and Sufjan stevens is awesome! 

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On 3/27/2017 at 7:57 PM, Steve Ather said:

Wow that was class, build up to another level after that verse and you've got an extra beautiful song. Ah man I've only been on this site a week or so and I love it. Class!

@Steve Ather Thank you! I'll try to come up with another verse. Me too this website is filled with so many interesting talented people I'm really enjoying it thus far. Really appreciate the kind words :)  

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Love it - beautiful playing, voice, everything! Really enjoyed it :) 

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10 hours ago, AlexVIII said:

Love it - beautiful playing, voice, everything! Really enjoyed it :) 

@AlexVIII Thank you :)!  I enjoy your songs also. 

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Emotive wistful tune.

 

The guitar and vocal ability is there, and you sound pretty good. The song itself has potential.

 

That being said, reading the vocals as you sing, and not enunciating the words is marring an otherwise good performance. You have a good voice; don't be afraid to belt it out, and don't do a video until singing it is second nature.

 

The guitar playing is competent but the halting style begins to lose its appeal after the intro. 

 

You need to craft this into a good sounding AUDIO production whether you do it minimalist or go full tilt on production. In my opinion, this song would be best done with full backing tracks - it has the potential to be killer. You can always play along with the song for a video but I would get the audio production sounding niiiiiiiice first. If you are dead set on doing it the way you are, then do pure 1+1 and have your performance honed prior to doing the video so that you exude confidence and can concentrate on interpretation and emotion instead of just getting through the song.

 

We are here to help you get your songs recorded and mixed so go for it!

 

Peace,

TC

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Beautiful 

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On 3/29/2017 at 9:02 PM, TCgypsy said:

Emotive wistful tune.

 

The guitar and vocal ability is there, and you sound pretty good. The song itself has potential.

 

That being said, reading the vocals as you sing, and not enunciating the words is marring an otherwise good performance. You have a good voice; don't be afraid to belt it out, and don't do a video until singing it is second nature.

 

The guitar playing is competent but the halting style begins to lose its appeal after the intro. 

 

You need to craft this into a good sounding AUDIO production whether you do it minimalist or go full tilt on production. In my opinion, this song would be best done with full backing tracks - it has the potential to be killer. You can always play along with the song for a video but I would get the audio production sounding niiiiiiiice first. If you are dead set on doing it the way you are, then do pure 1+1 and have your performance honed prior to doing the video so that you exude confidence and can concentrate on interpretation and emotion instead of just getting through the song.

 

We are here to help you get your songs recorded and mixed so go for it!

 

Peace,

TC

 

@ALOPRODUCTIONZ Thanks Man! 

 

 

@TCgypsy Thank you for the advice!

 

You got me there I was definitely reading the lyrics, and I have a habit of writing only when I'm feeling a particular emotion, and shabbily recording it and throwing it out there.

Thanks for pointing out the need for improvement on that end. I'm not sure how to make the song without the halting style, because of my limited guitar knowledge. I think I might fill the rest of it with a violin, and some piano for the final recording. If you get a chance tell me what you think of the halting style with a violin here(whether it remains bearable throughout the song). If it is I'll do the actual recording with the violin being the main focus. 

 

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Gotta say that there is a real talent in the arrangement and writing. Strong performing, and from the looks of it, many years to get even better. 

You are off to a great start...............good luck. I really like what I hear!

                                                                                                                              -Tom

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12 hours ago, Juin said:

I have a habit of writing only when I'm feeling a particular emotion, and shabbily recording it and throwing it out there.

This is exactly what Hobo was referring to. There are so many folks out there doing it like this.

 

This Song could be next level (it is already stupendous) with some effort put in to the production.

 

I like the length the way it is FWIW.

 

Welcome to SS

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This has a lot of potential! That's not to imply that it's not good already, but with some work it can become great!

 

When I first started writing songs in high school, I had no idea about song structure. It took me a while to get a grasp on that. The beauty of songs and music is that you don't have to follow any rules, but it does make it easier/more pleasant for your fans to listen if the song has some basic structure. There are many ways to do this, but below is my favorite. I generally have this in mind as a guideline when I start a new song...

 

Verse

Prechorus

Chorus

Verse

Prechorus

Chorus

Bridge or instrumental/solo

Chorus

 

Keep it up! Also, keep us update if you add more lyrics.

 

BTW, sounds great with the violin! I'm a huge fan of strings. Electric Light Orchestra is my biggest influence!

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to be honest, i kind of like this how it is. and i'm one for really big noises and crescendos and all that. but this is kind of like an interlude.. the lyrics are about a small lapse in time, and that's what the song is for me. 

i'm also not one to pick up melodies on the first go, but i have yours stuck in my head after just one listen.

the only thing i would comment on is the use of your voice

i think if you played with the timbre just a little more.. it would make it more interesting.. stronger in some parts and more falsetto in others.. but thats your personal style

and just a little more confidence!! youve got a great voice and people like to hear you, so embrace it 

but really nice .. im gonna have another listen

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Hi Juin - this has the start of a really beautiful song - but I would stick with the piano version, as it really made the piece stand out. You clearly have a good voice and with a bit more practice you could be even better. You need to show some confidence when you're singing and learn to control your breathing.

 

I will be keeping an ear out for where you go with this one. Well done.

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