7 posts in this topic

Just wrote this song, supposed to be a sort of stripped down country blues song, maybe with a little bit of a janis joplin vibe though. Let me know what you think! :)

 

You have a power

over me

you hate to use

but can't let it be

 

Anything you say, I'll do

I any kind of way, I let you

 

Hurt me , cause that's what you do

cause when you hurt me, it hurts you too

and you hate yourself, like no one else

 

So your favorite thing is to hurt me

come back just to desert me

and my favorite thing is to let you

Do it over, baby do

Then at least we share this blue

 

You tear yourself apart

cutting through my heart

God danm drunk on this pain

all we know are these games

 

So you left it there for me to find

did her like you do my mind

 

hurt me, cause that's what you do

feels like home, all we ever knew

misery, sure loves company

 

So your favorite thing is to hurt me

come back just to desert me

and my favorite thing is to let you

Do it over, baby do

Then at least we share this blue

 

You love me, baby don't you

too much for my own danm good

sometimes I wish I'd never met you

 

Cause don't you just love to hurt me

Come right back to desert me

And don't I just love to let you

Do it over, come on do it over, baby do

At least we share this blue

 
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Interesting lyrics! It's quite a depressing story but I get it and I think it has a great hook: "At least we share this blue." :)

 

All the best,

 

Ken

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Lots of good stuff going on here! As Ken noted--great hook. I also like the less typical structure of the verses, including the longer pre-chorus. 

6 hours ago, Annanash said:

You tear yourself apart

cutting through my heart

God danm drunk on this pain

all we know are these games

If I'm reading this correctly, then the beginning of the 2nd verse (above) is quite a bit different from the very pared down beginning of V1. Maybe the music would take care of what looks like very different meters, but I was struck by the minimalist lyrics at the start, which I like, but then it seemed to be a one-off, and did not repeat. 

 

6 hours ago, Annanash said:

You love me, baby don't you

too much for my own danm good

sometimes I wish I'd never met you

This section (bridge?) didn't seem to fit or build on what the rest of the song was saying. "Loving to hurt" and "loving too much" just seem like different ideas to me. I wasn't sure if you were working on a play on words here that would tie back to the final chorus or had something else in mind.  The rest of the lyrics really capture the mind games of this relationship and this section doesn't have the same punch, but just my opinion. 

 

I agree that a country vibe with less polished vocals would really sell the pain behind the lyrics. Good luck with it. ~T

 

 

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Agreed with comments above.  I think you capture what happens in a lot of relationships. 

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Thanks for the comments guys!

@Timbre, I agree about the bridge, I didn't think it really worked either, so will either change that or remove it :) 

Do you think the 2nd verse should be changed or just cut down? I agree that simplicity is key but also feel that the section is saying something important, do you think it would make a difference cutting it a bit down to something like:

Tear yourself apart

Cutting my heart

drunk on pain

It's all games

 

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Oh this is great! I love the chorus especially. You have some beautiful lines in this ("goddamn drunk on this pain" is my favourite). Though I do agree with the above comments about just making sure the rhythm in the 2nd verse matches the 1st (I like the original better than the one you just changed too). Maybe the music will accommodate for that though? anyway, good job!! :)

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In V2 I was mainly speaking to the structure, not the content. It makes sense to keep the message but you'll have to give some thought to getting them closer in meter. Maybe tweak both by adding to V1 and paring down V2 to get them closer together.

 

Also give some thought to how you achieve a similar meter. I noticed that in V1 you break up an idea across 2 lines but not in V2. So V2 ends up somewhat closer in meter but still structurally different in terms of the phrasing. So there's 2 levels of structure to consider, the meter and the phrasing. ~T

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