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los peelos    120

 Ive changed the chorus and line 2 in verse 1;

 

 

When it comes to you

 

V.

As it is it isn’t anymore

What it was we had i wasn't sure

But i know it shook me to the core

And i liked it

V.

As it is it isn’t either way

What it was i couldn’t really say

Love was just a game we used to play

And i liked it

CH.

When it comes to you - i can't get enough

Nothing i won't do - just to feel your touch
When it comes to you - even when you're gone
All i ever do - is keep hanging on

When it comes to you

V.

As it is it isn’t anymore

What it was I’ve never had before

You were always knocking on my door

And i liked it

V.

As it is it isn’t either way

What it was could be again some day

You were always leading me astray

And i liked it

CH.

When it comes to you - i can't get enough

Nothing i won't do - just to feel your touch
When it comes to you - even when you're gone
All i ever do - is keep hanging on

When it comes to you

BR.

Every other time - i said this time will be better

Every other time - it was now or it was never

V.

When it comes to you - i can't get enough

Nothing i won't do - just to feel your touch
When it comes to you - even when you're gone
All i ever do - is keep hanging on

When it comes to you

Edited by nsj
chorus change/ line 2 change
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Timbre    151

Neil,

 

Nice write. The structure of your verses was interesting and changed things up a bit. The "As it is" lines were catchy but also very tongue twisty the first couple of times I read through them. It got easier when I played around with the phrasing and put a pause before going onto the "it isn't/wasn't" parts of the lines. That made me wonder about consistent singability. I could see myself singing those lines flawlessly half the time and screwing them up the other half! Maybe you've already worked that out with phrasing/timing, but it did make me wonder.

 

The other thing that struck me related to the "As it is" lines is that they are unusual enough and are repeated frequently enough to compete with the hook/title. In my head "When it comes to you" kind of took a back seat.

6 hours ago, nsj said:

Everything you do - is a bit too much

My favorite line.

6 hours ago, nsj said:

I don’t think it through - i was out of touch

In this line I thought the second half didn't follow from the first half. The first half seems to be saying that the singer responds too impulsively and the second half the singer is disconnected. So one idea is about approach and the other is about avoidance. You might consider revising the second half of that line to give some idea of what is driving the impulsivity, for example

 

I don't think it through - just craving your touch

 

As always, keep or sweep. Good luck with it. ~T

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los peelos    120
12 hours ago, Timbre said:

Neil,

 

Nice write. The structure of your verses was interesting and changed things up a bit. The "As it is" lines were catchy but also very tongue twisty the first couple of times I read through them. It got easier when I played around with the phrasing and put a pause before going onto the "it isn't/wasn't" parts of the lines. That made me wonder about consistent singability. I could see myself singing those lines flawlessly half the time and screwing them up the other half! Maybe you've already worked that out with phrasing/timing, but it did make me wonder.

 

The other thing that struck me related to the "As it is" lines is that they are unusual enough and are repeated frequently enough to compete with the hook/title. In my head "When it comes to you" kind of took a back seat.

My favorite line.

In this line I thought the second half didn't follow from the first half. The first half seems to be saying that the singer responds too impulsively and the second half the singer is disconnected. So one idea is about approach and the other is about avoidance. You might consider revising the second half of that line to give some idea of what is driving the impulsivity, for example

 

I don't think it through - just craving your touch

 

As always, keep or sweep. Good luck with it. ~T

thanks mate, i know a lot of my stuff can be tongue twisty. I actually have lists of hook ideas that ill write down ie; as it is, good to go, hell to pay etc. and then ill work around the hook. Ive usually got 2 or 3 1st verses for diff. songs going at once, and ill end up finishing 1. Quite often mixing 2 ideas together. I feel at ease writing verses, but definitely struggle w choruses. This chorus changed many times tho small changes. I guess i tend to force my chorus when i have finished verses. Thats why my last write (good to go) has a simple chorus, and i think it works well. I tend to over use or have too many hooks and i see ur point re "when it comes to you" taking a back seat... 

thanks for your time and input i appreciate it!

Neil

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los peelos    120
17 minutes ago, nsj said:

thanks mate, i know a lot of my stuff can be tongue twisty. I actually have lists of hook ideas that ill write down ie; as it is, good to go, hell to pay etc. and then ill work around the hook. Ive usually got 2 or 3 1st verses for diff. songs going at once, and ill end up finishing 1. Quite often mixing 2 ideas together. I feel at ease writing verses, but definitely struggle w choruses. This chorus changed many times tho small changes. I guess i tend to force my chorus when i have finished verses. Thats why my last write (good to go) has a simple chorus, and i think it works well. I tend to over use or have too many hooks and i see ur point re "when it comes to you" taking a back seat... 

thanks for your time and input i appreciate it!

Neil

and ur suggestion helped.. now im thinking;

 

when it comes to you - i cant get enough

nothing i wont do - just to feel your touch

 

cheers

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tomcollins    512

Hey 

See "T " touched on that second line. And seen your new edit. Which is pretty good.

As T also said about verse hooks. Which isn't always a bad thing .think it works pretty well here.

I would keep as is in chorus edits but add "when it comes to you " at end

When it comes to you  - i can’t get enough

nothing i wont do - just to feel your touch

When it comes to you  -  love can be so rough

Everything you do - is a bit too much

When it comes to you.

 

Might help with hook.

Rock on

 

 

 

 

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Peggy    380

Neil,

Good going!! It's cool how edgy this lyric reads for me and wondering what the music feel will be. 

I like your edit ( works really great projecting the same emotion) and  Tom's suggestion to repeat at the end, too.

:)

Peggy

 

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Timbre    151

Neil,

 

I like the edits and Tom's chorus idea. That verse structure was good to start with and I'm liking it more and more! Would love to hear it put to music, but no pressure! :)

 

~T

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los peelos    120
20 hours ago, tomcollins said:

Hey 

See "T " touched on that second line. And seen your new edit. Which is pretty good.

As T also said about verse hooks. Which isn't always a bad thing .think it works pretty well here.

I would keep as is in chorus edits but add "when it comes to you " at end

When it comes to you  - i can’t get enough

nothing i wont do - just to feel your touch

When it comes to you  -  love can be so rough

Everything you do - is a bit too much

When it comes to you.

 

Might help with hook.

Rock on

 

 

 

 

as always, thanks Tom. ill try that. It might help the chorus flow back into the verse too..

cheers mate!

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los peelos    120
17 hours ago, Timbre said:

Neil,

 

I like the edits and Tom's chorus idea. That verse structure was good to start with and I'm liking it more and more! Would love to hear it put to music, but no pressure! :)

 

~T

thanks man..  ill have to pull my finger out (lol)

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los peelos    120
19 hours ago, Peggy said:

Neil,

Good going!! It's cool how edgy this lyric reads for me and wondering what the music feel will be. 

I like your edit ( works really great projecting the same emotion) and  Tom's suggestion to repeat at the end, too.

:)

Peggy

 

thanks Peggy - im so flattered!

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TagSongZ    3

Nsg,

 

I like the first two verses... however I don't know what "it" is until the last line of the 2nd verse.... I don't like the line " and I liked it"... that to me needs to be changed... at first reading "As it is it isn’t anymore " I didn't care for but I after few more reads I do think "it's" nice... the title doesn't appear until the chorus ... maybe "As it is" should be the title... kind of catchy and makes people want to know what "as it is" would be...  the chorus doesn't work for me ... the first two verse are poetic to me ...aside from the "and I like it" line ..but the chorus sounds a bit like you're just talking... not as poetic... again just some thoughts... but a nice piece of work... a work in progress

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John Craig    19

First class and a straight through read. A good fix on chorus line two hiccup.

                                                                                                                     John Craig.

                                                                                                                                                                                                     

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los peelos    120

ive changed the chorus, and the 3rd & 4th lines are what were originally in the chorus for a while before i posted. I thought "hanging on" was a bit cliche but as far as my last relationship is concerned it sums it up exactly... we've had 3 stints totalling 7 yrs and roller coaster is putting it lightly..

and Tom suggested the last line which really works for me and evens the flow especially for the tune i have in mind..

 

1st chorus;

 

When it comes to you  - i can’t get enough

I don’t think it through - i was out of touch

When it comes to you  -  love can be so rough

Everything you do - is a bit too much

 

2nd;

 

When it comes to you - i can't get enough

Nothing i won't do - just to feel your touch
When it comes to you - even when you're gone
All i ever do - is keep hanging on

When it comes to you

 

Edited by nsj

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los peelos    120
On 11/04/2017 at 1:12 AM, TagSongZ said:

Nsg,

 

I like the first two verses... however I don't know what "it" is until the last line of the 2nd verse.... I don't like the line " and I liked it"... that to me needs to be changed... at first reading "As it is it isn’t anymore " I didn't care for but I after few more reads I do think "it's" nice... the title doesn't appear until the chorus ... maybe "As it is" should be the title... kind of catchy and makes people want to know what "as it is" would be...  the chorus doesn't work for me ... the first two verse are poetic to me ...aside from the "and I like it" line ..but the chorus sounds a bit like you're just talking... not as poetic... again just some thoughts... but a nice piece of work... a work in progress

thanks tz; re. what "it" is, i could put "but i know you shook me to the core.. 

the line "i liked it" is to me relevant because as crazy and unpredictable even toxic that relationship i loved every minute

but a different perspective always helps

thanks for your time!

neil

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los peelos    120
On 11/04/2017 at 2:26 AM, John Craig said:

First class and a straight through read. A good fix on chorus line two hiccup.

                                                                                                                     John Craig.

                                                                                                                                                                                                     

thanks John!

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los peelos    120
On 11/04/2017 at 1:12 AM, TagSongZ said:

Nsg,

 

I like the first two verses... however I don't know what "it" is until the last line of the 2nd verse.... I don't like the line " and I liked it"... that to me needs to be changed... at first reading "As it is it isn’t anymore " I didn't care for but I after few more reads I do think "it's" nice... the title doesn't appear until the chorus ... maybe "As it is" should be the title... kind of catchy and makes people want to know what "as it is" would be...  the chorus doesn't work for me ... the first two verse are poetic to me ...aside from the "and I like it" line ..but the chorus sounds a bit like you're just talking... not as poetic... again just some thoughts... but a nice piece of work... a work in progress

now im thinking "what it was we had i wasn't sure" for line 2.. in fact ill change it now.. cheers

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wallabie    4

Hi, I like this .... I read through the Lyric and while reading it a melody pumped in my head. OK, I lost my way on the Chorus ... but the verses were fine...

Do you already have Music for this?

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writeandwrong    133

Hi, Neil. I haven't been on here in awhile and it's been awhile since I've done a critique, so please bear with me here.

 

First off, I like this lyric a lot and would love to hear it set to music and I like the chorus and think Tom's edit definitely strengthens it.

 

As others have pointed out, the first two lines...yep, gonna hear it again, but it's not just the singability that comes to mind, but also the use of past/present tense.

 

As it is it isn’t anymore 

What it was we had i wasn't sure

 

So let's pull apart the first line here, As it is, it isn't anymore... correct tense for what you are trying to say would be:

 

 As it was, it isn't anymore

 

So if you use that, the second line now would need to be changed to something like (just a suggestion):

 

Whatever we had i am not sure or hold out the not for the extra beat: Whatever we had I'm no-ot sure

 

Rest of the lyric looks great!! Best of luck to you with it and hope that helps some.

 

--Cheryl--

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los peelos    120
On ‎2‎/‎05‎/‎2017 at 11:28 PM, writeandwrong said:

Hi, Neil. I haven't been on here in awhile and it's been awhile since I've done a critique, so please bear with me here.

 

First off, I like this lyric a lot and would love to hear it set to music and I like the chorus and think Tom's edit definitely strengthens it.

 

As others have pointed out, the first two lines...yep, gonna hear it again, but it's not just the singability that comes to mind, but also the use of past/present tense.

 

As it is it isn’t anymore 

What it was we had i wasn't sure

 

So let's pull apart the first line here, As it is, it isn't anymore... correct tense for what you are trying to say would be:

 

 As it was, it isn't anymore

 

So if you use that, the second line now would need to be changed to something like (just a suggestion):

 

Whatever we had i am not sure or hold out the not for the extra beat: Whatever we had I'm no-ot sure

 

Rest of the lyric looks great!! Best of luck to you with it and hope that helps some.

 

--Cheryl--

hi Cheryl! was wondering where ud been :) thanks for ur time. A friend asked me how I write songs the other day and I said I start with a catch phrase or an idiom and build around it. I establish the rhythm thru the syllables in that line. It always gets me off to a good start but mimicking that in a 2nd/ 3rd verse makes it tricky, but its what I love.. playing on words ie as it is it isn't... I look back at any of my lyrics and honestly see maybe 1 or 2 that I really feel is complete. But I see great ideas in most of them. Recently I started picking ones I think are worth finishing- like I just re wrote "bitter pill" (actually 5 or more times since I last posted) and I know I get closer each time. This would be in my top 5 favs im flattered u like it and ur help is much appreciated!

Neil

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Ray888    159

los peelos

I love this lyric with the edits. First class write in my humble opinion. Can't wait to hear it when recorded.

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los peelos    120
30 minutes ago, Ray888 said:

los peelos

I love this lyric with the edits. First class write in my humble opinion. Can't wait to hear it when recorded.

thank you Ray!

Neil

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Patty Lakamp    41
On 4/8/2017 at 6:11 AM, los peelos said:

As it is it isn’t anymore

This part caught my attention.  To me, "As it is" means, currently, or right now, so the line told me: As it stands today, we aren't a couple anymore.

 

Cheryl's comment:

On 5/2/2017 at 6:28 AM, writeandwrong said:

So let's pull apart the first line here, As it is, it isn't anymore... correct tense for what you are trying to say would be:

 

 As it was, it isn't anymore

I can see why Cheryl said that, because the same words took her in a different direction.  I think we're both right, which means the line is confusing and needs some more thought.

 

On 4/8/2017 at 6:11 AM, los peelos said:

But i know it shook me to the core

And i liked it

This makes sense to me.  I interpreted it as you described in your comment above.

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