Lyrics Writing Challenge #2 - No Rhymes

[john]

Hi Gang

 

Your second challenge is a double challenge. Your mission, should you choose to accept it...

 

Part 1:

 

Write  lyrics where the verse contains no rhymes, internal or external.

 

The ONLY exception to this is if your verse includes a refrain, in which case the refrain can rhyme internally or externally.

 

This is harder than it seems as lyrics still have to form a pleasing flow, but without rhyming. Many beginner writers in particular get stuck in simple rhyme schemes. This exercise is to show what can be done without rhyme.

 

Part 2:

 

The title you choose must be your main hook

It must be placed in a powerful position (not buried mid-line, mid-verse)

It must be used several time (repeated in a chorus or pre-chorus or refrain for example).

 

Cheers

 

John

[Pahchisme Plaid]

This sounds like it would be a good challenge for ME (not rhyming).  I start with the intent not to rhyme, but I have this internal thing that just takes over and at least puts out imperfect rhyming.  It will be a conscious effort for me, indeed!

[Dawn Robertson]

Move On

 

They think that they know me

But they don't know a thing

Years have passed since we spoke

But it feels like yesterday

 

Some would say move on

Some don't say a thing

But I don't know how to let go

When I lived only for them

 

Chorus:

Our past has been rewritten 

My smile on the back page

It was easy for them to move on

But I can't say the same thing

Move on and let them go 

Which way do I turn

I can't escape the memory

Inside the fight remains

 

Just a simple person

A simple plan for sure it seems

Moving on to better days

One foot before the other

 

I guess I'll cry alone

And they don't seem to care

They don't understand what it's like

To hear the echo of their laughter

 

Chorus:

Our past has been rewritten 

My smile on the back page

It was easy for them to move on

But I can't say the same thing

Hold on or let them go 

Which way do I turn

I can't escape the memory

Inside the fight remains

 

Bridge:

Rise above it

Or be buried underneath it all

Those who kill promises

They kill everything and move on

 

Repeat chorus to fade...

 

 

 

[Dawn Robertson]

This was a fun challenge. I enjoy pushing my craft skills. As a lyricist I am often fitting into a project but this task forced me outside of what I am comfortable with. I hope to hear feedback as to my attempt as that will create further growth. Keep the tasks coming as I welcome them all.

[john]

Hi Dawn,

 

You might want to go back and try our last challenge about writing a song for spring. Other than that, remember to offer critiques to the other writers. Critique is a great way to develop your skills. You learn from the discussion process, about styles you don't currently write in and you get to help others. One of the main benefits of giving critique is that you are using your skills on a song you are not attached to... and that makes a huge difference.

 

Glad to have you involved in the challenges!

 

Cheers

 

John

[Dawn Robertson]

On 12/04/2017 at 7:58 AM, Skin said:

Hi 

Heres my 1st draft effort, to be honest I am not convinced on the idea and the content I have for this but its pretty much the only thing I have written this year. Edit i did do a spring lyric but only a week or so ago and never posted.

 

Story hopefully is obvious, but basics are new boy in school/college spots the most pretty/popular girl and is hooked regardless of what others tell him and the title says it all.

 

Please feel free to shred it and I may even try something else if anything comes to mind. Is the 1st chorus in the correct context with "you" instead of her? 3rd line.

 

 

Cheers

Les 

Going For Gold © L. Service 2017

 

V

They said I would be a fool to try

That all before had crashed and burned

But it's too late I've seen you now

And I'm not afraid to take a chance

 

So…………….

 

C

I'm going for gold

As nothing else will do

I wont settle for silver

Not when it comes too you

Yeah I'm going for gold

You could turn me down

But I wont settle for silver

Not while your still around

 

V

They said I should ask someone else

That there’s plenty of fishes in the sea

But I've set my sights on you now

And second best has no chance....does this line make sense as in 2nd best is not an option?mmmm

 

So…………….

 

C

I'm going for gold

As nothing else will do

I wont settle for silver

Not when it comes too you

Yeah I'm going for gold

You could turn me down

But I wont settle for silver

Not while your still around

 

B

Well I asked you out and you said yes

I don’t know what all the fuss was about

Pheeeeewwww!

 

Ooohhhh

 

C

I went for gold

As nothing else would do

I didn’t settle for silver

Now I've got a date with you

Yeah I went for gold

And you didn’t turn me down

I didn’t settle for silver

You didn’t make me look a clown

 

 

Hi Skin, I am new here and I hope I am doing the critique in proper format but to be honest not sure but here it goes...How about changing the chorus slightly with, 

 

I went for gold

And no one else would do

I didn't settle for second best

And I got a date with you

Yeah I went for the gold 

And you didn't turn me down

I didnt settle for second best

And you turned my life around

[Dawn Robertson]

3 minutes ago, Skin said:

Nice write Dawn, and welcome to the group.

I dont have much to offer maybe a couple of word changes.

I have made them bold.

The hook is well buried in this and the 2nd part of the brief was to have it front and centre, standing out? A little fiddle with the chorus should deal with that.

 

Sorry not much of a critique.

 

Les

 

Actually Les I like the changes! Thank you for the input. It does flow effortlessly that way.

[Dawn Robertson]

19 minutes ago, Skin said:

Hi Dawn

Thanks for the read and ideas, funny a couple of your lines are lines I had originaly!

The second best line is exactly has I wrote it.

I will think some more on this one .

 

Thanks again.

Les

That's amazing. We may have a similar thought process for sure. Have a great day!

[Dawn Robertson]

Just now, Skin said:

Thank you I will have a great day the sun is shining

 

Glad you like the changes, I am not that great at indepth critiques more offer ideas as I have done here. 

There are some really good critiquers (is that a word lol) here and I am sure you will get some great advice.

Have a great evening I guess its evening in Canada?

 

Les

 

Yes the sun is finally shining here in Canada.  So pleased. I think I will critique by giving suggestions too. Its just my style. I would rather try to pump someone up with ideas then tear them down for self pleasure. Probably why I have chosen to work in the background. But I love the creative side of things as it seems you do too. Feel free to write anytime and critique my work, I enjoy the process very much. 

 

Dawn

[Timbre]

Hi, Les.

 

On my first pass through this, I had a couple of tweaks for the first verse and first chorus just to take out some extra words. It's more stylistic than substantive, but to my ears it gives the message more punch.

 

One idea I had for playing up the "going for gold" metaphor is to stay closer to that idea in your verses. For example the "crash and burn" line and "fishes in the sea" line tap into different metaphors and you could be missing an opportunity to further promote the hook. In my opinion, you have strong hook placement, but you can build on that by staying true to the main metaphor. I'll take another pass through when I have more time and send any other ideas. You've inspired me to get going on my challenge submission! ~T 

 

V1

They said I would be a fool to try

That all before had I would crash and burn

But it's too late I've seen you now

And I'm not afraid I've got to take a chance

 

Ch1

I'm going for gold

As Nothing else will do

I wont settle for silver

Not When it comes too you

Yeah I'm going for gold

You could turn me down

But I wont settle for silver

Not while you're still around

 

 

[Dawn Robertson]

8 minutes ago, Skin said:

Hi T 

Thanks for the read and suggestions. 

I like the ideas they work well, I think it makes the chorus stronger,  more go get her type of thing.

I think I did over word the whole thing! Trying to much instead of feeling the words and the flow.

 

Yeah get your butt in gear Dawn and I are feeling lonely lol!

 

Good too hear from you.

 

Les

 

8 minutes ago, Skin said:

Hi T 

Thanks for the read and suggestions. 

I like the ideas they work well, I think it makes the chorus stronger,  more go get her type of thing.

I think I did over word the whole thing! Trying to much instead of feeling the words and the flow.

 

Yeah get your butt in gear Dawn and I are feeling lonely lol!

 

Good too hear from you.

 

Les

Lol too fun, yes indeed. 😁

[Dawn Robertson]

Bridge change:

I know that some people

Would never take the chance

I did and I've (I) got you 

Just reached for the best

 

 

 

Just some some ideas for you...

Quote

 

 

[Dawn Robertson]

13 minutes ago, Skin said:

@Dawn Robertson

If this dont end up in one of your lyrics it will be a sin.

 

The long hours and late nights is where the magic happens.

 

Just saying!

 

13 minutes ago, Skin said:

@Dawn Robertson

If this dont end up in one of your lyrics it will be a sin.

 

The long hours and late nights is where the magic happens.

 

Just saying!

Ok Love it! Gonna write a lyric right now just in regards to this...I hope that's okay, so rhyming....brb

[Dawn Robertson]

28 minutes ago, Skin said:

@Dawn Robertson

 

From your profile on the left so your words not mine! Got for it

 

20 minutes ago, Skin said:

Have i gone in the wrong direction with the last line? Was trying to conbine the in my sights theme and back up the last line of verse one.

Thanks guys for chipping in always appreciated you know that.

 

They said I should ask someone else

Plenty of fishes in the sea

But I've set my sights on you now

Im going in all guns blazing

 

28 minutes ago, Skin said:

@Dawn Robertson

 

From your profile on the left so your words not mine! Got for it

Midnight Magic

 

The long hours and late nights

Keep me away

Midnight magic happens live

And I escape

 

You tell me you love me 

And you never bring me down

Midnight magic fills my soul

You keep my feet on the ground

 

Chorus:

A constant voice of reason

Yet you give me freedom

Midnight magic time and time again

You gotta love me to understand

That deep inside there is a plan

A need only music can answer

 

It runs thru me like my blood

Inside outside and up above

To have that moment every night

How can you question what you feel inside

 

Live your dreams and be your best

You've only got one chance

Be proud of what you do

Make your mark in this world

And they'll remember you

 

Bridge:

Midnight magic swoop me up

Into your loving cup

Cradle me in words and rhyme

I want to give what I have inside

 

 

Thoughts....

[Dawn Robertson]

Just now, Skin said:

Pretty damb good for a quick write if you just wrote it of course? You got a good thing going here, can you put it to music?

Awe thank you.....I can write them in minutes, was born with it. And yes I just wrote it a few minutes ago. That's how I do .....hmmm music, what you thinkin?... project perhaps?........I like the idea if yes....😀

[Dawn Robertson]

46 minutes ago, Skin said:

Have i gone in the wrong direction with the last line? Was trying to conbine the in my sights theme and back up the last line of verse one.

Thanks guys for chipping in always appreciated you know that.

 

They said I should ask someone else

Plenty of fishes in the sea

But I've set my sights on you now

Im going in all guns blazing

For last line.....Baby run to me

47 minutes ago, Skin said:

Have i gone in the wrong direction with the last line? Was trying to conbine the in my sights theme and back up the last line of verse one.

Thanks guys for chipping in always appreciated you know that.

 

They said I should ask someone else

Plenty of fishes in the sea

But I've set my sights on you now

Im going in all guns blazing

 

[Dawn Robertson]

Just now, Skin said:

I wish i could play something ! I have a tune in my head as i sing it.

 

Thats about as far as I can go

 

Just now, Skin said:

I wish i could play something ! I have a tune in my head as i sing it.

 

Thats about as far as I can go

 

Just now, Skin said:

I wish i could play something ! I have a tune in my head as i sing it.

 

Thats about as far as I can go

I have connections and can have music....what are you thinking, what genre? What tempo....what's a song kinda like it?

[Dawn Robertson]

1 minute ago, Dawn Robertson said:

 

 

I have connections and can have music....what are you thinking, what genre? What tempo....what's a song kinda like it?

 

1 minute ago, Dawn Robertson said:

 

 

I have connections and can have music....what are you thinking, what genre? What tempo....what's a song kinda like it?

 

1 minute ago, Dawn Robertson said:

 

 

I have connections and can have music....what are you thinking, what genre? What tempo....what's a song kinda like it?

I'm thinking American Woman....Guess Who.......yes something like that....

[Dawn Robertson]

2 minutes ago, Skin said:

Cant have rhyme booooooooooo! 

That might be option for a line in the bridge which I will change.

 

Thanks Dawn

Lol.......too many songs on the brain ....was right into it , sorry about that......my bad😇

Just now, Dawn Robertson said:

 

 

I'm thinking American Woman....Guess Who.......yes something like that....

 

2 minutes ago, Skin said:

Cant have rhyme booooooooooo! 

That might be option for a line in the bridge which I will change.

 

Thanks Dawn

 

[Dawn Robertson]

13 minutes ago, Skin said:

Not sure who you are thinking of, I will try and record a bit and send you the link but usually what I hear in my head does not come out my mouth!

 

 

 

13 minutes ago, Skin said:

Not sure who you are thinking of, I will try and record a bit and send you the link but usually what I hear in my head does not come out my mouth!

 

 

Sounds good 😃