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David Ritchie

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Appreciate your critique.

 

 Under a Well-Lit Moon                            David Ritchie

 

what was I feelin'   

when i jumped up on that train

goin' down south  

gonna do some healin'

 

It's a  hard way to get there

but i'm goin' on that way

legs hangin' outta this boxcar

towns flyin' by

 

Chorus:

so i'll wish you goodbye

an' hope we'll meet again

but it won't be the same

on that you can rely

 

I'm fightin' some unholy war

knowin' that I can't win

sittin' out on a cold, cold morning

an' watch the sunrise burn the sky

 

when the well-lit moon

comes into view

it's  just an eye movin'  by

passin' judgment,  makin' me cry

 

Every now and then we'd pass thru

another darkened universe

i'd lay back like this greasy boxcar

was just a dirty hearse

 

Chorus:

so i'll wish you goodbye

an' hope we'll meet again

but it won't be the same

on that you can rely

 

There ain't no new way of dying

aint' no new way to be lonely

it's always seems to be the same

But I just keep on tryin'

 

Chorus:

so i'll wish you goodbye

an' hope we'll meet again

but it won't be the same

on that you can rely

 

 

 

 

                                 

Under a Well-Lit Moon.docx

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retro    7

Hi, this seems to me to be one that will rely heavily on music to make it work. You have a lot of images with little storyline. Not saying that's a bad thing. "So Lonesome I could cry" was just that. But, your rhymes are few. I like the greasy boxcar/hearse image.

I would ditch "On that u can rely" Too poetic/trite. Maybe, "Unless you change your mind"

Good luck with it!

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Thanks for your suggestion. I hope you will take a look at other lyrics I have posted, and give me your thoughts.

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