CherryColaLola

Pipe dreams - first song ever

7 posts in this topic

Stuck idle wanting to move but can't find the gas
No headlights on my car so I can't find my path 
Feeling like I'm flying a rocket without even a driver's license
Wanting peace but all I can give us violence 
I'm lost, searching for a purpose 
Looking at my reflection in a puddle but I recognize nothing on the surface
When I was younger I was so sure of myself 
Making wrong decisions willingly because no one taught me how to conduct myself
Dropped out of school to party and get lit
Doing whatever the f*ck I wanted, f*ck consequences
But now I'm in and out of jail, nothing to my name. Nothing dear to me
Don't even talk to my mother, I think she's ashamed of me
But f*ck that bitch she was never there when i needed it
Said she'd help but denied me when I repeated it
But now without a false sense of security i realize I can only trust myself
But how can I trust the idiot who put me in this position 
and How do i acquire the tools necessary to help? 
Just like these lyrics my whole life needs revision 
I have a lot in me struggling to get out
Spent my whole life trying to keep the demons in, I never learned how to get the good out
And im Constantly searching for someone to teach me
But I'm the only one who can teach me how to be me
So who do I turn to, who's gonna force me to achieve my dreams
When I'm reaching for the stars but tying cinderblocks on my feet
Used to say I just go with the flow not realizing I was just being complacent
Too scared of failing, I decided to not face it
Look at all the good that did
I can't do this anymore. I have to try.
I have to attempt to achieve my dreams, or I have to die.


 

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Hello, I'll try to comment constructively on what you have written. First it reads more like a life's story or a cry for help. For some suggestions I would say don't write every word you are thinking. Maybe don't write so angry. Expletives are usually not the best choice of words, and they will turn some people off and won't take you seriously. What you have written is badly in need of structure. There is no structure; It's hard to read. It's hard to find continuity. One example, here's what you wrote:

 I'm lost, searching for a purpose 
Looking at my reflection in a puddle but I recognize nothing on the surface

Something with more structure might be:

I'm lost can only scratch the surface 

My reflection seems to have no purpose 

You don't have to write it like I did, but it

gives you an idea of how not to write every

word you are thinking.

The best way to improve your writing is:

TO WRITE

 

David

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Hello CCL,

              comment by ZYZZYVA is very pertinent. What you've got looks like a goldmine in a mine field atm. Needs a lot stripping out, but carefully so as not to destroy best content.

Maybe try a melody in your mind to set it to, something you already know to hang the words on. Hope this helps. John ( another noob)

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Posted (edited)

Who the hell are you two guys?  I mean, you don't even bother with any pretense that you're offering just your own opinions, spewing your shit like it's dogma, and you're top dog, or something.  This is her first song.  I hope she comes back and tells you both to f*ck off.  If she doesn't, then consider it said  . . .by me. :)

 

 

Edited by HoboSage

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Well idiot, anything offered is going to subjective. You should know a lot about dogs since you are one with your supercilious superfluous ego. And there's nothing to consider about you. Figures you have to use expletives. Keep swimming in the shallow end; that's where you belong. It's a real disappointment that your name is David.  

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Posted (edited)

23 hours ago, CherryColaLola said:

Stuck idle wanting to move but can't find the gas                             for a first try this is ok without hearing it . it is hard to get an idea of the . flow
No headlights on my car so I can't find my path                                                          a little rewrite will help  I am sure
Feeling like I'm flying a rocket without even a driver's licensce
Wanting peace but all I can give us violence 
I'm lost, searching for a purpose 
Looking at my reflection in a puddle but I recognize nothing on the surface
When I was younger I was so sure of myself 
Making wrong decisions willingly because no one taught me how to conduct myself
Dropped out of school to party and get lit
Doing whatever the f*ck I wanted, f*ck consequences
But now I'm in and out of jail, nothing to my name. Nothing dear to me
Don't even talk to my mother, I think she's ashamed of me
But f*ck that bitch she was never there when i needed it
Said she'd help but denied me when I repeated it                                                        the rhyme goes off here  although it  maybe how you wanted it to be  ?
But now without a false sense of security i realize I can only trust myself
But how can I trust the idiot who put me in this position                                                       I know  it was always down to me and no-one else
and How do i acquire the tools necessary to help?                                                           so time to trust in the idiot that got me in this position   
Just like these lyrics my whole life needs revision                                                            take matters in my own hands make a big revision
I have a lot in me struggling to get out
Spent my whole life trying to keep the demons in, never letting the good  get out
And im Constantly searching for someone to teach me
But I'm the only one who can teach me how to be me
So who do I turn to, who's gonna force me to achieve my dreams
When I'm reaching for the stars but tying cinderblocks on my feet                            reaching for the stars with cinder block on my feet
Used to say I just go with the flow not realizing I was just being complacent
Too scared of failing, I decided to not face it
Look at all the good that did I can't do this anymore. I have to try.
I have to attempt to achieve my dreams, or I have to die.


 

just my opinion  

john

Edited by scotsman89

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On 16/04/2017 at 0:05 AM, CherryColaLola said:

Stuck idle wanting to move but can't find the gas
No headlights on my car so I can't find my path 
Feeling like I'm flying a rocket without even a driver's license
Wanting peace but all I can give us violence 
I'm lost, searching for a purpose 
Looking at my reflection in a puddle but I recognize nothing on the surface
When I was younger I was so sure of myself 
Making wrong decisions willingly because no one taught me how to conduct myself
Dropped out of school to party and get lit
Doing whatever the f*ck I wanted, f*ck consequences
But now I'm in and out of jail, nothing to my name. Nothing dear to me
Don't even talk to my mother, I think she's ashamed of me
But f*ck that bitch she was never there when i needed it
Said she'd help but denied me when I repeated it
But now without a false sense of security i realize I can only trust myself
But how can I trust the idiot who put me in this position 
and How do i acquire the tools necessary to help? 
Just like these lyrics my whole life needs revision 
I have a lot in me struggling to get out
Spent my whole life trying to keep the demons in, I never learned how to get the good out
And im Constantly searching for someone to teach me
But I'm the only one who can teach me how to be me
So who do I turn to, who's gonna force me to achieve my dreams
When I'm reaching for the stars but tying cinderblocks on my feet
Used to say I just go with the flow not realizing I was just being complacent
Too scared of failing, I decided to not face it
Look at all the good that did
I can't do this anymore. I have to try.
I have to attempt to achieve my dreams, or I have to die.


 

 

Hi CCLola - what kind of music and style are you thinking for this lyric... it might help give the members an idea of how it should flow. If it is a rap, then it will read different from normal song structure. If it is meant to be a song, then we can help you get it into a structure you like.

 

Giving this kind of context might help with the critique you receive.

 

 

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