retro

Life Ain't For Sissies

4 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

This was a very quick write, so there should be flaws aplenty. If not, well, either y'all ain't trying orI ought to have way more money that I do.

 

© Ben Burton 4/16/2017

 

It don't count for nothing if you risk your life for something that ain't worth dying for
Though they still hand out medals that's for settling accounts with those left crying, evermore
You can't lend protection to a people who're projecting you're their lifelong enemy
Never turn a profit and there's just no way to solve it after fourteen centuries

 

This life ain't made for sissies
Or socialist decrees
This life ain't made for sissies
But it's easier if you're free

 

Marching in a protest to get paid is half as grotesque as a shooter in a school
Closing off your mind to anyone not on your side is done by sleepwalking fools
When you wear your pants below your ass you won't advance beyond the minimum wage
If you toe the line but you still find yourself behind, if you give up, you're to blame

 

This life ain't made for sissies
Or socialist decrees
This life ain't made for sissies
But it's easier if you're free

 

We can't save the world from all its woes
We can't force our values down their throats
We can only hope and pray and vote
Tryin' to delay the day, humanity implodes

 

repeat chorus

Edited by retro
wrong date

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Posted (edited)

Hello! The song's idea is very clear, which is good. The lyric is quite attacking, so the song could maybe have aggressive guitar riff's on the background or something like that.

The first critique that comes to mind, is that you could put  the verse lines like this:

"It don't count for nothing if you risk your life
for something that ain't worth dying for"


because it makes the singers job easier, as it's easier to read, they see easier where to take breath or have a longer note. 

The first verse seems to be about the army risking their lives for the sissies. I like the second and the third line the best, they both have an interesting thought in them. However the fourth line seems to be a bit weird, as I don't get what happened fourteen centuries ago. Why exactly fourteen centuries ago? Also, if my thoughts about the army being part of the verse is true, maybe mention them in the lines somewhere to make it really clear?

The chorus is okay, the lines rhyme, but I don't know if the hook "The life ain't for sissies" is strong enough. It doesn't pop out to me.  But that's just my point of view, for other's it may work. The last line of the chorus is good.

The 2nd verse is about straightly dissing the sissies. Te change of thought between the verses is good. I liked the idea behind the first verse more, but the second verse is still better,, because all the lines are easy to understand.

The bridge talks about the view of point of "us". The idea works as well. The second line is the strongest.

In conclusion, The song's idea is good,  the first verse is the one I would maybe think most about. The theme of the verse is good (being in an army protecting sissies isn't worth it), but it it doesn't work perfectly yet. The chorus is okay, but I think you could find a stronger one. If you work on these, the song will be better in my opinion.

Edited by Nousevas

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Good start. Above crit is pretty good as for a cleaning house crit. 

Would make it much easier to read if posted in such away.

Bridge may work if last line changed ,didn't like it much.

Rock on 

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Posted (edited)

Hi Ben,

You do have a good idea and focus on this write.  Maybe a little rearranging and paring of extra words will tighten  it up abit.

 

"But it's easier if you're free" suggest "but" isn't right. Maybe "and it's easier if you're free"

:)

Peggy

Edited by Peggy

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