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retro    7

This was a very quick write, so there should be flaws aplenty. If not, well, either y'all ain't trying orI ought to have way more money that I do.

 

© Ben Burton 4/16/2017

 

It don't count for nothing if you risk your life for something that ain't worth dying for
Though they still hand out medals that's for settling accounts with those left crying, evermore
You can't lend protection to a people who're projecting you're their lifelong enemy
Never turn a profit and there's just no way to solve it after fourteen centuries

 

This life ain't made for sissies
Or socialist decrees
This life ain't made for sissies
But it's easier if you're free

 

Marching in a protest to get paid is half as grotesque as a shooter in a school
Closing off your mind to anyone not on your side is done by sleepwalking fools
When you wear your pants below your ass you won't advance beyond the minimum wage
If you toe the line but you still find yourself behind, if you give up, you're to blame

 

This life ain't made for sissies
Or socialist decrees
This life ain't made for sissies
But it's easier if you're free

 

We can't save the world from all its woes
We can't force our values down their throats
We can only hope and pray and vote
Tryin' to delay the day, humanity implodes

 

repeat chorus

Edited by retro
wrong date

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Nousevas    4

Hello! The song's idea is very clear, which is good. The lyric is quite attacking, so the song could maybe have aggressive guitar riff's on the background or something like that.

The first critique that comes to mind, is that you could put  the verse lines like this:

"It don't count for nothing if you risk your life
for something that ain't worth dying for"


because it makes the singers job easier, as it's easier to read, they see easier where to take breath or have a longer note. 

The first verse seems to be about the army risking their lives for the sissies. I like the second and the third line the best, they both have an interesting thought in them. However the fourth line seems to be a bit weird, as I don't get what happened fourteen centuries ago. Why exactly fourteen centuries ago? Also, if my thoughts about the army being part of the verse is true, maybe mention them in the lines somewhere to make it really clear?

The chorus is okay, the lines rhyme, but I don't know if the hook "The life ain't for sissies" is strong enough. It doesn't pop out to me.  But that's just my point of view, for other's it may work. The last line of the chorus is good.

The 2nd verse is about straightly dissing the sissies. Te change of thought between the verses is good. I liked the idea behind the first verse more, but the second verse is still better,, because all the lines are easy to understand.

The bridge talks about the view of point of "us". The idea works as well. The second line is the strongest.

In conclusion, The song's idea is good,  the first verse is the one I would maybe think most about. The theme of the verse is good (being in an army protecting sissies isn't worth it), but it it doesn't work perfectly yet. The chorus is okay, but I think you could find a stronger one. If you work on these, the song will be better in my opinion.

Edited by Nousevas

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tomcollins    512

Good start. Above crit is pretty good as for a cleaning house crit. 

Would make it much easier to read if posted in such away.

Bridge may work if last line changed ,didn't like it much.

Rock on 

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Peggy    379

Hi Ben,

You do have a good idea and focus on this write.  Maybe a little rearranging and paring of extra words will tighten  it up abit.

 

"But it's easier if you're free" suggest "but" isn't right. Maybe "and it's easier if you're free"

:)

Peggy

Edited by Peggy

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retro    7

Sorry for the disappearance. Puter crashed and I lost 75 tabs I left open, always. An email today is what alerted me to Songstuff.

Nou, sorry, I wrote the way I sing it, in one long breath per line in verses. Ch & Br are slower. Will try to remember to make it easier for reading, should I ever write one like this again. :) As to the 14 centuries ago, as they say, if u have to explain it.... ;)

OK, in a nutshell, since WWII a LOT of soldiers have died on foreign soil for no apparent purpose according to some. Others have returned to be spat app't. That was very true of Nam Vets. Thank you kindly for your well-thought out post. I appreciate it!

 

tomcollins

Thanks for your input. If the trend toward socialism continues, freedom will be lost, IMO.

 

 
 
  •  

 
 

Hi Peggy,

Something very rare, for me, happened with this write. I wrote the words to fit the tune that popped in! Well, for the verses, anyway. I chose "but" because that is the main theme of the composition--freedom.

Thanks you for weighing in. And, sorry, I don't know how to do this. I copied the entire page, pared it down in wordpad, and this is the result. LOL I appreciate it.

 

 

 
 
 
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scotsman89    335

Retro

agree  with above critiques  a good write waiting to be a great write in my humble opinion . instead of sissies maybe  (it maybe to harsh ) losers

and after all these centuries  ( instead of 14 )  war has been going on since day one  religion also from day one just different Gods ?

 

because life's not for losers

but getting up and doers

stand tall and lead the way

no time for side liners

moaners or whiners

their not going to save the day

 

just my 2 cents  

john

 

 

Edited by scotsman89
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