Jenn

I'll Be There (with demo chorus)

20 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

I wrote the lyrics to this, this morning.. Did the track in about an hour... Really want to finish it

I have "Green Light" by Lorde stuck in my head.. And other various songs and such

 

I've got this bit.. but I may need ideas for where to go next

And any suggestions at all.. Thank you as always

UPDATED: https://soundcloud.com/jennifer8169456/ill-be-there-with-chorus

 

[Verse 1]

I miss the oceans, I miss the skies 

Beautiful times that aren't mine 

Still, I hold them to my heart 

As they tear me apart 

(Hope's not so far away, hope's not so far)

 

[Chorus]

But if I had the chance to not look back

Give up everything for time to last

Then tell them I'll be there

Let them stop and stare

 

But if I had the chance to not look back

Give up everything for time to last

Then tell them I'll be there

And that I still care

 

[Verse 2]

And if you find me in the waves

I don't want to be saved

Leave my shadow to the night

Make me believe that I'm doing right

I don't need the safety of the light

 

[Chorus]

But if I had the chance to not look back

Give up everything for time to last

Then tell them I'll be there

Let them stop and stare

 

But if I had the chance to not look back

Give up everything for time to last

Then tell them I'll be there

And that I still care

 

 [Bridge]

Pulled away and pushed in

Time's thick and time's thin

Held down and held up

I was away my old skin

 

Pulled away and pushed in

Time's thick and time's thin

Held down and held up

I wash away my old skin

 

[Chorus]

But if I had the chance to not look back

Give up everything for time to last

Then tell them I'll be there

Let them stop and stare

 

But if I had the chance to not look back

Give up everything for time to last

Then tell them I'll be there

And that I still care

Edited by Jenn
3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i like the lyrics but you seem you lack confidence in singing. The emotion behind what you say is more important then the message portrayed. know what emotion youd like to portray and express it (something im tryna work on myself)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A cool song idea, I'm definitely hearing a 'Green Light' influence a little bit but mainly because you mentioned it, other wise I thought it sounded original. I like the direction you took with the verse melody and I LOVE the general feel and look of that chorus! It just screams out, "I'M SO SIMPLE! I'M SO CATCHY!" Brilliant stuff.

 

Personally, I'm getting a funk rock, dance-pop kinda vibe from the way you sing that verse. So maybe some funky rock music could really bring this song to life?

 

Good luck with it, Jenn (@Jenn).

 

Ken

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Jenn said:

I wrote the lyrics to this, this morning.. Did the track in about an hour... Really want to finish it

I have "Green Light" by Lorde stuck in my head.. And other various songs and such

 

I've got this bit.. but I may need ideas for where to go next

And any suggestions at all.. Thank you as always

https://soundcloud.com/jennifer8169456/ill-be-there-2

 

[Verse 1]

I miss the oceans, I miss the skies 

Beautiful times that aren't mine 

Still, I hold them to my heart 

As they tear me apart 

(Hope's not so far away, hope's not so far)

 

[Chorus]

But if I had the chance to not look back

Give up everything for time to last

Then tell them I'll be there

Let them stop and stare

 

But if I had the chance to not look back

Give up everything for time to last

Then tell them I'll be there

And that I still care

 

[Verse 2]

And if you find me in the waves

I don't want to be saved

Leave my shadow to the night

Make me believe that I'm doing right

I don't need the safety of the light

 

[Chorus]

But if I had the chance to not look back

Give up everything for time to last

Then tell them I'll be there

Let them stop and stare

 

But if I had the chance to not look back

Give up everything for time to last

Then tell them I'll be there

And that I still care

 

 [Bridge]

Pulled away and pushed in

Time's thick and time's thin

Held down and held up

I was away my old skin

 

Pulled away and pushed in

Time's thick and time's thin

Held down and held up

I wash away my old skin

 

[Chorus]

But if I had the chance to not look back

Give up everything for time to last

Then tell them I'll be there

Let them stop and stare

 

But if I had the chance to not look back

Give up everything for time to last

Then tell them I'll be there

And that I still care

 

'Hi Jenn- I like the direction this one is going. It sounds like it's going to be the kind of song I would listen to. I'm not going to comment on what you have at the moment, as it clearly a draft idea.

 

The lyrics read really well and I can't wait to hear them in the song.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, ALOPRODUCTIONZ said:

i like the lyrics but you seem you lack confidence in singing. The emotion behind what you say is more important then the message portrayed. know what emotion youd like to portray and express it (something im tryna work on myself)

Ah all my recordings sound like this unfortunately, as it is true. I'm recording in my dorm room and am actually terrified someones gonna hear me.. although i'm pretty sure everyone has... once i get the definite melody (and possibly a new mic!) i'll practice and practice and practice.

2 hours ago, ImKeN said:

A cool song idea, I'm definitely hearing a 'Green Light' influence a little bit but mainly because you mentioned it, other wise I thought it sounded original. I like the direction you took with the verse melody and I LOVE the general feel and look of that chorus! It just screams out, "I'M SO SIMPLE! I'M SO CATCHY!" Brilliant stuff.

 

Personally, I'm getting a funk rock, dance-pop kinda vibe from the way you sing that verse. So maybe some funky rock music could really bring this song to life?

 

Good luck with it, Jenn (@Jenn).

 

Ken

That's really interesting! I was actually scared it sounded too much like green light.. but this gives me some confidence :). Thank you!!! Yeah that melody kind of came out of no where but i really like it... currently working on the second verse melody... have a few ideas.

I am wondering though... Should I make the "apart" thingy that I have going on here, a prechorus? Or more of a second chorus?

I was trying to bridge it last night so that it would go into the chorus that I have written here.. but I think I used up all my creative juices haha.

Yeah I need to work on a melody for the chorus I have written... it'll definitely have to be catchy and I hope I don't disappoint. 

 

And that's weird too! I've actually never really listened much to funk... but I was definitely keeping a dance-pop vibe in mind 

55 minutes ago, Richard Tracey said:

 

'Hi Jenn- I like the direction this one is going. It sounds like it's going to be the kind of song I would listen to. I'm not going to comment on what you have at the moment, as it clearly a draft idea.

 

The lyrics read really well and I can't wait to hear them in the song.

Ah!!!! I'm very glad that it's something you would listen to... that means a lot

 

 

Thank you all for the comments and taking the time to listen <3

I may not be able to work on it 100% as school is picking back up again.. but I feel this song has so much potential and it's my duty to finish it.. Thanks all again

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would follow that line up with a bass heavy groove for maybe two measures and jump in with verse 2. A good start. The minor chord will give it a minor feel. Not as happy more intense.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
29 minutes ago, Jenn said:

I am wondering though... Should I make the "apart" thingy that I have going on here, a prechorus? Or more of a second chorus?

 

Ooh, I like the way you think! It does sound good as a pre-chorus, but who knows, it could sound better as a 1st chorus - because it transitions quite smoothly from the verse, plus it's very catchy but still a little on the mellow side? To me, that will allow the current chorus idea you have written out to be way more dynamic, thus becoming a strong 2nd chorus.

 

1 hour ago, Jenn said:

And that's weird too! I've actually never really listened much to funk... but I was definitely keeping a dance-pop vibe in mind

 

The funk thing might just be my mind playing tricks on me but I was instantly reminded of David Bowie when I heard your phrasing and melody. And the strange thing is I don't really listen to his songs, which got me thinking maybe I should start so now I'm listening to 'Let's Dance.' ...It's so good!

 

Ken

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I'm also debating a key change out of the "apart" part.. that goes into

But if I had the chance to not look back

Give up everything for time to last

Then tell them I'll be there

Let them stop and stare

 

Need to test my theory ability..

 

Ok... I had to try to make this chorus work... i'm not very good at writing choruses, so please give me feedback on this one!!!! (very very very rough vocals and bare instrumentation) but the idea is there

https://soundcloud.com/jennifer8169456/ill-be-there-with-chorus

Edited by Jenn

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good tune! I'd finish it up with confidence. Verses are very strong and the chorus has potential. I think once you have finished it and have sang it with more feeling the chorus' will pop out more. I like the use of the synth, fit's in nice. 

 

If I were to give any feedback it would be on the piano during the chorus. (This is just my opinion) but it sounds a little robotic. I would cut out one of the beats in the measure. So, for example, what you have is: |   ||||  - I would change take out the second to last one so it's like this: |   || |  - not sure if that makes any sense, but that's the only feedback I could offer.

 

Great song, I want to hear it when it's done!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, bakerusc said:

Good tune! I'd finish it up with confidence. Verses are very strong and the chorus has potential. I think once you have finished it and have sang it with more feeling the chorus' will pop out more. I like the use of the synth, fit's in nice. 

 

If I were to give any feedback it would be on the piano during the chorus. (This is just my opinion) but it sounds a little robotic. I would cut out one of the beats in the measure. So, for example, what you have is: |   ||||  - I would change take out the second to last one so it's like this: |   || |  - not sure if that makes any sense, but that's the only feedback I could offer.

 

Great song, I want to hear it when it's done!

I think I've settled on a chorus... It's the one I have up, but "give up everything" is at a higher base note.. and I think it sounds good and will sound even better when i can sing comfortably!

I'm definitely going to still play with the piano during the chorus.. I haven't had time to try your suggestion, but I definitely will. I think it sounds very robotic too!

 

Thank you for the listen

I am incredibly excited for this track..

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

It's slowly taking shape, @Jenn. I think you're on the right track with the 2nd chorus so I'm looking forward to the 1st completed draft!

 

Ken

Edited by ImKeN
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, ImKeN said:

It's slowly taking shape, @Jenn. I think you're on the right track with the 2nd chorus so I'm looking forward to the 1st completed draft!

 

Ken

now I'm just trying to find the best instrumental :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Jenn, 

Would have liked to listen to your piece but for some reason your link provided isn't opening. Could you paste it here again along with the default player option?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

3 minutes ago, Sreyashi Mukherjee said:

Hi Jenn, 

Would have liked to listen to your piece but for some reason your link provided isn't opening. Could you paste it here again along with the default player option?

hm that's strange.. sorry! 

https://soundcloud.com/jennifer8169456/ill-be-there-with-chorus

Soundcloud won't let me have the actual thing here...

if that link still doesn't work, it's the first recording on my soundcloud: 

 

it doesn't show up there though!!! so you have to click on it and go to the soundcloud website and its called "I'll Be There with chorus"

Hopefully this works... sorry its so confusing :( but i really appreciate it

 

Edited by Jenn

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, could get it from your SC account. It does sound quite promising.. Will hold on to comments till you have a full draft completed.. you may yourself make changes along the way towards your song completion. I do agree on one point with bakerusc. The piano chords during the chorus sound robotic and somewhat affect the song's flow. Maybe you can use keys instead of chords which sound like somd of the notes when you sing "apart".. just an idea.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The lyrics are well written, I like the music, did you write the song in your head and imagine how you would sing it, or did you sing it while you were writing it? Sounds like a daft question but there's a method to my madness.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Steve Ather said:

The lyrics are well written, I like the music, did you write the song in your head and imagine how you would sing it, or did you sing it while you were writing it? Sounds like a daft question but there's a method to my madness.

i wrote the song in my head and imagined how i would sing it.. usually im listening to music while i write lyrics. but this song, I actually came up with the verse melody first before the instrumentals. I relied more on the course that the music took me for the chorus melody. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah that's what I generally do, but normally it's because I'm writing songs late at night and my neighbours wouldn't appreciate me singing ha!

The reason I ask is, nearly every song I've written in my head and then practiced singing during the day (when I can be loud) feels like my voice is stuck down in my throat when I'm singing, it sounds like you've got a really nice tone, but my theory is, when we write songs in our heads, our imagination thinks we can sing in exceptionally high, when we go to actually sing it we sing it in a lower octave. I bet if you put the music up by 1 or 2 octaves it pushes your voice into a more comfortable position,.

Just my theory on the vocal stand point.

1 minute ago, Jenn said:

i wrote the song in my head and imagined how i would sing it.. usually im listening to music while i write lyrics. but this song, I actually came up with the verse melody first before the instrumentals. I relied more on the course that the music took me for the chorus melody. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

3 minutes ago, Steve Ather said:

Yeah that's what I generally do, but normally it's because I'm writing songs late at night and my neighbours wouldn't appreciate me singing ha!

The reason I ask is, nearly every song I've written in my head and then practiced singing during the day (when I can be loud) feels like my voice is stuck down in my throat when I'm singing, it sounds like you've got a really nice tone, but my theory is, when we write songs in our heads, our imagination thinks we can sing in exceptionally high, when we go to actually sing it we sing it in a lower octave. I bet if you put the music up by 1 or 2 octaves it pushes your voice into a more comfortable position,.

Just my theory on the vocal stand point.

 

haha yeah my dorm probably doesnt appreciate me trying to sing quietly (and failing to do so) after midnight! And that's actually a really interesting theory... I think you're right. I have a pretty decent range, and most times I forget that I have so much to work with. I need to go record the song with confidence, but I might also try moving the piano up an octave. It is pretty comfortable now.. just a matter of chest vs head voice

thank you <3

Edited by Jenn

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I like it. From strictly a melody and vocal rhythm and cadence perspective, it's catchy and modern...there's really good potential.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.