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Lyrics Writing Challenge #3 - Earth, Air, Fire and Water


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1 hour ago, Summer Days said:

Raindrops are Tears Fallin' From An Angels Eyes

(V)

I met an angel...as she was walking by/

but I was a player...a devil in disguise/

N' I started thinking..of loving her that night/

but devil horns and angel wings,

doesn't make it right/

(Chorus)

N' boy she was a beauty/

as pure as apple pie----

not a trace of a raindrop/

had ever fallen from her eyes-/

and I didn't want the blame,

for rain fallin' from the skies--/

Cause raindrops are tears,

fallin' from an angels eyes/

(V)

Then we started talkin',

but she fail to realize,

that an angel can be tainted,

all from a devil's lies--/

I didn't want to hurt her,

didn't wanna see her cry/

Cause a devil can't be chained,

even if an angel tries--/

(Chorus)

But boy she was a beauty,

as pure as apple pie,

not a trace of a raindrop/

had ever fallen from her eyes../

and I didn't want the blame,

for rain fallin' from the skies--/

Cause raindrops are tears--/

fallin' from an angels eyes/

(V)

Then we started talkin,

but she fail to realize

that an angel can be tainted,

all from a devil's lies--/

I didn't want to hurt her,

didn't want to see her cry---

Cause a devil can't be chained,

even if an angel tries--/

(V)

As we began to grow,

I refused to recognize--/

how this angel stole this devil's soul,

and changed his foolish pride-/

She spoke of purity,

and things I'd never known/

N' it was hard to believe,

I had to let my angel go--/

(Chorus)

(V)

As she turned to say good by,

thunder screamed and called--/

then lightening lit up the skies,

and fire --began to fall---/

rolling down the mountains,

blazing to the skies--/

Cause fireballs are tears,

fallin' from a devils eyes/

And I didn't want the blame,

for fire fallin' from the skies--/

But you can't blame an angel,

for the tears that a devil cries/

No you can't blame an angel,

for the tears that a de--vil--

cries--/

Written by Frances E Coleman

 

 

I like this lyric a lot. It tells a story and makes you keep reading.....luv that. I keep hearing Leona Lewis song ....Footprints In The Sand song.....amazing ....thank you for the journey and keep writing.🦋

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Just now, Dawn Robertson said:

I like this lyric a lot. It tells a story and makes you keep reading.....luv that. I keep hearing Leona Lewis song ....Footprints In The Sand song.....amazing ....thank you for the journey and keep writing.🦋

The music of that song would work well with this lyric ..(forgot to add that) 

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1 hour ago, Summer Days said:

Raindrops are Tears Fallin' From An Angels Eyes

(V)

(I) met an angel...as she was walking by/

(But) I was a player...a devil in disguise/

N' I started thinking..of loving her that night/

But devil horns and angel wings,

(Doesn't) Don't  make it right/

(Chorus)

N' boy she was a beauty/

(As) pure as apple pie----

(Not) No trace of a raindrop/

(Had ever) Having fallen from her eyes-/

and I didn't want the blame,

for rain fallin' from the skies--/

Cause raindrops are tears,

fallin' from (an) angel(s) eyes/

(V)

(Then) When we started talkin',

(but) she failed to realize,

(That) an angel can be tainted,

( all from) on account o' devil('a) lies--/

I didn't want to hurt her,

didn't wanna see her cry/

(Cause) But a devil can't be chained,

even if an angel tries--/

(Chorus) (same suggestions as above chorus)

But boy she was a beauty,

as pure as apple pie,

not a trace of a raindrop/

had ever fallen from her eyes../

and I didn't want the blame,

for rain fallin' from the skies--/

Cause raindrops are tears--/

fallin' from an angels eyes/

(V) (same suggestions as above verse)

Then we started talkin,

but she fail to realize

that an angel can be tainted,

all from a devil's lies--/

I didn't want to hurt her,

didn't want to see her cry---

Cause a devil can't be chained,

even if an angel tries--/

(V)

(As she began to grow)  We started to grow close, but

I refused to recognize--/

how (this) that angel stole this devil's soul,

and (changed) broke (his) my foolish pride-/

She spoke of purity,

and things I'd never known/

N' it was hard to believe,

I (had to) would let my angel go--/

(Chorus)

(V)

As she turned to say good by,

thunder screamed and called--/

then lightening lit up the skies,

and fire --began to fall---/

rolling down the mountains,

blazing to the skies--/

Cause fireballs are tears,

fallin' from (a) devil('s) eyes/

(And) I didn't want the blame,

for fire fallin' from the skies--/

(But) Oh, you can't blame an angel,

for the tears (that) a devil cries/

No you can't blame an angel,

for the tears (that) a de--vil--

cries--/

Written by Frances E Coleman

 

 

  • I hope you don't mind I bolded suggestions in the body of your lyrics for flow.  The words in parentheses are words I think you could do without.  Words not in parentheses are suggested word changes.  I Might consider rewording the phrase "thunder screamed and called".  Maybe, maybe not--trying to decide if scream and called are redundant--supposing they might be different enough.  Great content!
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I like these lyrics a lot. The suggestions by PP above really clean up the lines so that extra words don't get in the way of the flow. The devil and angel lines played off of each other in interesting ways throughout. I do think the devil/angel theme overpowered the water element angle, however. The raindrops were so much a part of the devil/angel story, that it felt like a secondary/supporting idea, rather water as an elemental driving force behind the lyrics. Oddly, I wouldn't suggest you edit this to fit the challenge--that would only dilute what you have here which is interesting. 

 

You might also consider shortening the title. I'm thinking it doesn't have to be exact words from the lyrics but close to it. Maybe somethin like "Tears from an Angel". ~T

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23 hours ago, Nousevas said:

Version two, I added some Earth-related metaphors and expressions (I'm your rock, like a brick wall, grow on the soil, if I was a mountain, on firm ground), and I like this version better than the last one. I also added some story (she followed him to a party to see, if he was cheating). This was an interesting challenge. I had to really think about Earth-related expressions, since I normally write very straight-forward and simple.

What On Earth

Verse 1 (make this verse 4)
I’m not a cheater man
I’m your rock, that’s my only plan
Like a brick wall I’ll stand up (to you) for you.
But you don’t think I’m being true
(Make this verse 3) You’re always checking my phone
Seeing, if I’m tagged in a photo
It’s pretty annoying to be honest
This wasn’t the treatment I was promised
 
Chorus
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

"What on earth are you thinking?"

"What on earth is your cause?"

A misdiagnosed direction

You've got me all wrong."


Verse 2
A little jealousy is just fine
But it has to be grounded on something

"A hint of  jealousy works for me, but you need something to ground it on."
The roots must grow on the soil
But I’m only yours to spoil
(Make this verse 1) You followed me into the party
Where I just drank with my friends
Basically stalking me
Who am I supposed to be with?

Bridge
If I was a mountain, you (would be on top of me) You'd be the peak
Jumping around and no letting me be ( take out this line)
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do
I’m on firm ground and I hoped you would be too

Chorus
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

(Modulate to higher)
What on Earth are you talking about
What on Earth, are you still on the doubt
About me and my intentions
That is totally the wrong direction

I'd flip your verses around so that you end on a positive note.  Your opening lines sound so sweet and filled with concern while the succeeding verses are so filled with annoyance and impatience that the sweetness of those lines get lost.  I thin if you flip them around it will provide a resolution and highlight your more impactful lines.  Also the sense of the chorus leads my mind want change the second line "what" to "why".  I figured you wanted the consistency of two "what's", so I made a suggestion.  Earth is a tough element!  I know, I tried it!  I decided to go with another element, so kudos to you for working this out!

 

Edited by Pahchisme Plaid
Verse changes
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Hi

"Uproots the trunk or bends the bough
gathers winds up in her arms
pulls you in with hypnotic charm

The seduction of the temptress"

 

My question is is it the best images it can be? So i'm going to a technique to use if your not sure. That is to do a short paragraph about what you are trying to convey.

I think it's this. " The wind is a metaphor for an irresistible woman each verse could be a based on a different force that wind places on us, as a allegory for the different forces love and lust place on us." The tempest/temptress join these together and are the glue.

 

So this verse is about being drawn in. She has gathered wind up in her arms to draw us in, she must spin create a vortex like a cyclone. 

So then list some words. Anything related just list don't second guess.

 

Hurricane

Low pressure 

Swirling

whirling 

Sucking

Drawing in

etc.

 

So far I am keen on hurricane

But the list is not extensive its just to demonstrate the idea.

And a line out of verse two belongs with hurricane.

 

A spinning careless wind, she is

Gathers winds up in her arms

And draws you in like a hurricane

The seduction of the temptress

 

Or some such, but sticking to the vortex spinning sucking in idea.

 

So the next question is what is it the wind can do that love can do.

It can blind you blowing dust in your eyes or making them water

It can bowl you over.

It can spin you round and make you dizzy

etc.

So it's a thing of choosing an effect and writing the verse about that aspect.

 

Then because its rhyme scarce the double seeming repletion line of temptress/ tempest will be more emphasised and should pop as a tension release.

 

When you write down in simple form what the song idea is, what the nut of the song is, you know where you are going so its less likely to become unfocused. 

 

And it may be that what I am saying about the song plan and meaning is not what you intend, it doesn't matter its just an example. If that is the case write down what it is saying in then write to that.

 

Cheers

 

Gary 

 

 

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On 4/21/2017 at 4:59 PM, Summer Days said:

Raindrops are Tears Fallin' From An Angels Eyes

(V)

I met an angel...as she was walking by/

but I was a player...a devil in disguise/

N' I started thinking..of loving her that night/

but devil horns and angel wings,

doesn't make it right/

(Chorus)

N' boy she was a beauty/

as pure as apple pie----

not a trace of a raindrop/

had ever fallen from her eyes-/

and I didn't want the blame,

for rain fallin' from the skies--/

Cause raindrops are tears,

fallin' from an angels eyes/

(V)

Then we started talkin',

but she fail to realize,

that an angel can be tainted,

all from a devil's lies--/

I didn't want to hurt her,

didn't wanna see her cry/

Cause a devil can't be chained,

even if an angel tries--/

(Chorus)

But boy she was a beauty,

as pure as apple pie,

not a trace of a raindrop/

had ever fallen from her eyes../

and I didn't want the blame,

for rain fallin' from the skies--/

Cause raindrops are tears--/

fallin' from an angels eyes/

(V)

Then we started talkin,

but she fail to realize

that an angel can be tainted,

all from a devil's lies--/

I didn't want to hurt her,

didn't want to see her cry---

Cause a devil can't be chained,

even if an angel tries--/

(V)

As we began to grow,

I refused to recognize--/

how this angel stole this devil's soul,

and changed his foolish pride-/

She spoke of purity,

and things I'd never known/

N' it was hard to believe,

I had to let my angel go--/

(Chorus)

(V)

As she turned to say good by,

thunder screamed and called--/

then lightening lit up the skies,

and fire --began to fall---/

rolling down the mountains,

blazing to the skies--/

Cause fireballs are tears,

fallin' from a devils eyes/

And I didn't want the blame,

for fire fallin' from the skies--/

But you can't blame an angel,

for the tears that a devil cries/

No you can't blame an angel,

for the tears that a de--vil--

cries--/

Written by Frances E Coleman

 

 

I really like your lyric. Some great lines! And the idea, too.  Good suggestions for alittle clean-up but solid write :)

Peggy

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On 4/21/2017 at 8:29 PM, Pahchisme Plaid said:
  • I hope you don't mind I bolded suggestions in the body of your lyrics for flow.  The words in parentheses are words I think you could do without.  Words not in parentheses are suggested word changes.  I Might consider rewording the phrase "thunder screamed and called".  Maybe, maybe not--trying to decide if scream and called are redundant--supposing they might be different enough.  Great content!

Sorry been really busy family visiting plus running our store. No I don't mind at all, I actually appreciate your time, going over my lyrics so thoroughly, thank you. I do have a question, I had another thoughtful member look over them earlier, even suggested I enter the challenge, she opened my eyes to see the lyrics aren't quite detailed as to why his angel had to leave, so my question is, should I add a bridge giving more detail as to why she's leaving?

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9 hours ago, Summer Days said:

Sorry been really busy family visiting plus running our store. No I don't mind at all, I actually appreciate your time, going over my lyrics so thoroughly, thank you. I do have a question, I had another thoughtful member look over them earlier, even suggested I enter the challenge, she opened my eyes to see the lyrics aren't quite detailed as to why his angel had to leave, so my question is, should I add a bridge giving more detail as to why she's leaving?

No worries.  When I read through the lyrics, I didn't really feel the need to know any specific reason why the angel had to leave.  I assumed he feared her influence on him and/or his influence on her and that fear was strong enough for him to choose to detach, but that's just me.  Some like more details, some like to be able to fill in the blanks.  Personally, I think you're fine lyrically with what you have for content.  I would include a bridge only if the pace of the song is slow or seems long and needs a melodic change-up once the music and melody are put with it. Lyrically it keeps my interest and offers "just enough".  

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On 4/21/2017 at 7:55 PM, Dawn Robertson said:

I like this lyric a lot. It tells a story and makes you keep reading.....luv that. I keep hearing Leona Lewis song ....Footprints In The Sand song.....amazing ....thank you for the journey and keep writing.🦋

Oh wow thanks Dawn. I love Leona Lewis, didn't know this particular one, so did a Google Search and hers was much slower than I heard the one wrote and different genre, but hey if it works with it, I'm game for change. It's an honor to be compared to any of Leona's lyrics n songs. Thanks

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On 4/21/2017 at 9:08 PM, Timbre said:

I like these lyrics a lot. The suggestions by PP above really clean up the lines so that extra words don't get in the way of the flow. The devil and angel lines played off of each other in interesting ways throughout. I do think the devil/angel theme overpowered the water element angle, however. The raindrops were so much a part of the devil/angel story, that it felt like a secondary/supporting idea, rather water as an elemental driving force behind the lyrics. Oddly, I wouldn't suggest you edit this to fit the challenge--that would only dilute what you have here which is interesting. 

 

You might also consider shortening the title. I'm thinking it doesn't have to be exact words from the lyrics but close to it. Maybe somethin like "Tears from an Angel". ~T

Thanks for those kind words Timbre, I deeply appreciate you looking over my lyrics and all suggestions, would you go with Tears From an Angel, or Can't blame an Angel? I don't know just a thought, didn't sound good at all after I read it, yes, Tears from an Angel much better.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 4/17/2017 at 4:04 PM, john said:

Hi Gang

 

This week's challenge is to pick one of the 4 elements and make it the feature of the song.

 

  • Earth
  • Air
  • Fire
  • Water

 

For example if you use metaphors, similes, allegories, make them use your chosen element.

 

Not sure of what those are? Try my old blog entry:

 

http://forums.songstuff.com/blogs/entry/171-similes-metaphors-and-allegories/

 

Try and stay within your theme but keep it interesting. Unlike a previous elements challenge where the purpose was to use all 4 elements, the rule here is NOT to incorporate other elements once you have chosen.

 

One other requirement... an aspect of your element has to be within the title and hook. For example "The Burn Of Blame", "Walking On Waves", "Breath On Skin", "The Ground Beneath".

 

Have fun.

 

Cheers

 

John

Is this challenge still going on? Been so busy, I got way behind lol

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Feel free to post up your work :)

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 5/27/2017 at 4:01 PM, Verb said:

I'm covering all the elements......

 

 

ELEMENTAL CHILD  

copyright words and music    I wolosenko

 

 

Verse 1
In the cool dark night,  at the water's edge
As the pale moon rises from the sea
A mother holds a newborn baby to her breast 
And so softly... sings her prophecy

 

Chorus:
From the earth you have come, my darling one
And the air will bring you life 
You will burn with the fire..... of your desires
In the water you'll find your rest 


Remember.. as you move  through your life, my child
no matter what others  may say
From where you've come,  to that place, you'll soon return
And this  truth ..... will guide your way


And may Love always light your way
And may Love always light your day
Just  let Love... Love... Love... light your day

 

Verse 2
As you wander through this world far and wide
Walking through your joy and sorrow
A baby's cry, a wedding vow,  a last goodbye
All waiting for your tomorrow

 

Chorus:
From the earth you have come, my darling one
And the air will bring you life 
You will burn with the fire..... of your desires
In the water you'll find your rest 


Remember...  as you move  through your life, my child
No matter what others  may say
From where you've come,  to that place, you'll soon return
And this  truth ..... will guide your way


And may Love always light your way
And may Love always light your day
Just  let Love... Love... Love... light your day

Hi Verb,

Welcome to the site!  You have included  all the element but that doesn't reflect the brief so it's a bit difficult to critique.

 

 Thinking you might want to put this in the Lyric Critique area where you may get more response. Also helpful to critique other works. 

 

Enjoy!

:)

Peggy

 

Edited by Peggy
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