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los peelos

"Bitter Pill" rewrite

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los peelos    120

there's a lot of stuff I've written in the past I think is worth refining.. I always liked this chorus idea. A friends daughter is an aspiring performer looking for material so there could be a recording with any luck soon! The original was posted 11/8/14 ill post it below..

 

 

Verse;

I have to say, some things have changed

Since you’ve been gone, i don’t belong

I have to say, i feel estranged

 

Although i prayed, and i stayed strong

While i remain, you’re moving on

I have to say, i’m disengaged

 

chorus;

Bitter pill so hard to swallow

Couldn’t save me from my sorrow

Couldn’t fight the fear i’m facing

Couldn’t keep my heart from breaking

Bitter pill so hard to swallow

Couldn’t save me from tomorrow

 

Verse;

I have to say, blue skies are grey

The days grow old and nights are cold

I have to say, in disarray

 

I’m not the same, as i’ve been told

And it’s a shame i lost my soul

I have to say, i’m not okay

 

Chorus;

Bitter pill so hard to swallow

Couldn’t save me from my sorrow

Couldn’t fight the fear i’m facing

Couldn’t keep my heart from breaking

Bitter pill so hard to swallow

Couldn’t save me from tomorrow

 

Bridge;

Without one good reason why

Without one last kiss goodbye

How am i supposed to feel

When the truth becomes a lie

 

Chorus; (repeat)

 

Edited by nsj
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los peelos    120

11/8/14

 

Bitter Pill

 

ive got to say ~ some things have changed

since you've been gone i dont belong

ive got to say ~ i feel estranged

 

ive got to say ~ although i prayed

and i stayed strong ~ you're moving on

ive got to say ~ to my dismay

 

ill never know ~ where did you go

nothing is clear ~ you disappeared

ill never know ~ why is it so

 

ill never know ~ so i suppose

im facing fear without you here

ill never know ~ and im so low

 

bitter pill ~ so hard to swallow

couldn't save me from my sorrow

couldn't stop the tears im tasting

couldn't keep my heart from breaking

bitter pill ~ so hard to swallow

couldn't save me from tomorrow

couldn't ease the toll its taking

couldn't keep my heart from breaking

 

ive got to say ~ the skies are grey

when days grow old the nights are cold

ive got to say ~ in disarray

 

ive got to say ~ im not the same

and ive been told I lost my soul

ive got to say ~ im not okay

 

ill never know ~ if you will show

your face again ~ its such a shame

ill never know ~ but i have hope

 

ill never know ~ the window closed

i cant explain this kind of pain

ill never know ~ im indisposed

 

bitter pill ~ so hard to swallow

couldn't save me from my sorrow

couldn't stop the tears im tasting

couldn't keep my heart from breaking

bitter pill ~ so hard to swallow

couldn't save me from tomorrow

couldn't ease the toll its taking

couldn't keep my heart from breaking

 

tell me what it takes to shake the memories

i cant forget the full effect you've had on me

we really had a special kind of chemistry

and with you is the only place i want to be

 

bitter pill ~ so hard to swallow

couldn't save me from my sorrow

couldn't stop the tears im tasting

couldn't keep my heart from breaking

bitter pill ~ so hard to swallow

couldn't save me from tomorrow

couldn't ease the toll its taking

couldn't keep my heart from breaking

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Nousevas    4

Hi! I like the original chorus better, maybe because I like rhymes, almost too much. The song is pretty coherent. I would maybe change the bridge idea to the 2nd verse, and put the lines about how the singer has changed to the bridge. That way the bridge would bring a new idea to the song. So that it would be that the verses would be about the other person, and the bridge would be about the singer. I put an example below.

The song feels like it's almost ready, but it would be nice, if it had some surprise for example, or something to keep the listener listening. Maybe even more drama, like describing how painful it is to lose someone.

Overall a great lyric and "The Bitter Pill" is a good hook and title. The chorus shines especially. And I hope you get it recorded, with maybe a few little changes.
 

Verse 2;

I have to say, blue skies are grey

The days grow old and nights are cold

I have to say, in disarray
 

Without one good reason why

Without one last kiss goodbye

How am i supposed to feel


Bridge;

I’m not the same, as i’ve been told

And it’s a shame i lost my soul

I have to say, i’m not okay

I have to say, i’m not okay
 

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los peelos    120
18 hours ago, Nousevas said:

Hi! I like the original chorus better, maybe because I like rhymes, almost too much. The song is pretty coherent. I would maybe change the bridge idea to the 2nd verse, and put the lines about how the singer has changed to the bridge. That way the bridge would bring a new idea to the song. So that it would be that the verses would be about the other person, and the bridge would be about the singer. I put an example below.

The song feels like it's almost ready, but it would be nice, if it had some surprise for example, or something to keep the listener listening. Maybe even more drama, like describing how painful it is to lose someone.

Overall a great lyric and "The Bitter Pill" is a good hook and title. The chorus shines especially. And I hope you get it recorded, with maybe a few little changes.
 

Verse 2;

I have to say, blue skies are grey

The days grow old and nights are cold

I have to say, in disarray
 

Without one good reason why

Without one last kiss goodbye

How am i supposed to feel


Bridge;

I’m not the same, as i’ve been told

And it’s a shame i lost my soul

I have to say, i’m not okay

I have to say, i’m not okay
 

hi, and thanks for your time. I've said before that I struggle with choruses, but bridges are where I really struggle. I spent the last few days working on this bridge. im never quite sure when I should or shouldn't use one, though I think its required here. I do want to be sure the lyrics work before giving them to someone to sing, so ill continue working on it. thanks for ur other suggestions though id like to keep verses as they are,

cheers mate!

Neil

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los peelos    120
On ‎18‎/‎04‎/‎2017 at 8:51 PM, nsj said:

there's a lot of stuff I've written in the past I think is worth refining.. I always liked this chorus idea. A friends daughter is an aspiring performer looking for material so there could be a recording with any luck soon! The original was posted 11/8/14 ill post it below..

 

 

Verse;

I have to say, some things have changed

Since you’ve been gone, i don’t belong

I have to say, i feel estranged

 

Although i prayed, and i stayed strong

While i remain, you’re moving on

I have to say, i’m disengaged

 

chorus;

Bitter pill so hard to swallow

Couldn’t save me from my sorrow

Couldn’t fight the fear i’m facing

Couldn’t keep my heart from breaking

Bitter pill so hard to swallow

Couldn’t save me from tomorrow

 

Verse;

I have to say, blue skies are grey

The days grow old and nights are cold

I have to say, in disarray

 

I’m not the same, as i’ve been told

And it’s a shame i lost my soul

I have to say, i’m not okay

 

Chorus;

Bitter pill so hard to swallow

Couldn’t save me from my sorrow

Couldn’t fight the fear i’m facing

Couldn’t keep my heart from breaking

Bitter pill so hard to swallow

Couldn’t save me from tomorrow

 

Bridge;

Without one good reason why

Without one last kiss goodbye

How am i supposed to feel

When the truth becomes a lie

 

Chorus; (repeat)

 

im thinking of changing the line "i have to say" to "i can say" or "i must say"

 

and thought of another bridge, opinions would be appreciated

 

bridge;

you said love will never die

when you knew it wouldn't last

if the truth was just a lie

then the future is the past

 

 

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Summer Days    13
On 4/18/2017 at 6:51 AM, nsj said:

there's a lot of stuff I've written in the past I think is worth refining.. I always liked this chorus idea. A friends daughter is an aspiring performer looking for material so there could be a recording with any luck soon! The original was posted 11/8/14 ill post it below..

 

 

Verse;

I have to say, some things have changed

Since you’ve been gone, i don’t belong

I have to say, i feel estranged

 

Although i prayed, and i stayed strong

While i remain, you’re moving on

I have to say, i’m disengaged

 

chorus;

Bitter pill so hard to swallow

Couldn’t save me from my sorrow

Couldn’t fight the fear i’m facing

Couldn’t keep my heart from breaking

Bitter pill so hard to swallow

Couldn’t save me from tomorrow

 

Verse;

I have to say, blue skies are grey

The days grow old and nights are cold

I have to say, in disarray

 

I’m not the same, as i’ve been told

And it’s a shame i lost my soul

I have to say, i’m not okay

 

Chorus;

Bitter pill so hard to swallow

Couldn’t save me from my sorrow

Couldn’t fight the fear i’m facing

Couldn’t keep my heart from breaking

Bitter pill so hard to swallow

Couldn’t save me from tomorrow

 

Bridge;

Without one good reason why

Without one last kiss goodbye

How am i supposed to feel

When the truth becomes a lie

 

Chorus; (repeat)

 

I love the Chorus, the verses were great also, but chorus flowed smoothly for me. The meaning was very emotional and would capture your audience going through the pain of young love. I liked the idea of the education behind the words.  lesson learned now being passed down, that drugs, pills never heal a broken heart. I think the way the world is today, swallow a pill for a quick fix, we need more songs against this type of behavior and explaining why, these lyrics do just that.

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Takoda    6

I too enjoyed the chorus ... it sings.

The bridge is cool, but I would reword it a bit, try to get it to flow more like the chorus.  Such as:  Without one good reason why; to:  Not one good reason why; as example.

I stumbled over some of the words in the verses.  But, maybe that's just my silly tongue tripping.

I like it and wait to hear it ...

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scotsman89    335

Nsj 

 thoughts on bridge 

 

without one  good reason why

not even one last  kiss goodbye

when  the truth became a lie

how was I supposed to feel

i thought this love was  real

 

just  my opinion 

 

john

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