Nousevas

The Phone People

6 posts in this topic

Hello, this is my first lyric that I've posted here, wishing for critique. I've read the 2:1 ratio rule, so I'll be reviewing other people's lyrics too here. The song is about frustration and the modern World, where there's such a hurry to go everywhere and everyone is so cold to each other. I'm pretty pleased with the song, but the verses are a bit random, bouncing around with different topics. Maybe they could be more on one topic? I don't know. I'm really excited to hear criticism, since I don't have many songwriter-buddies myself in real life.

The Phone People


Verse 1

We’re going forward without asking any help
No one would help you, even if you asked
The frustrated color is darkened red
My partner’s much better than yours in bed
Everlasting envy and fighting

Solidarity, who cares about that?
Everybody carries the cape of a stranger
Hitting hard nails to their hands

Going with an escalator towards the light
We are martyrs, but winners on the outside
This or that, we’re all going to die
So why won’t we live, but why we just lie?
Any creativity isn’t appreciated
Even the good things are criticized
I guess it tells something about being a Finn
About the new World and the eternity

Chorus
I almost wish for better feelings
Hearts are full of empty holes
The phone people only open up when they’re drunk
And then the ship has been sunk
I almost wish for better feelings
Hearts are full of empty holes
The phone people only open up when they’re drunk

Verse 2
You can’t do anything without someone being against it
The ones opposing you aren’t often thirsty
Actually the thirst is huge, hungry as well
They just don’t have the guts to do things
Or then they can’t pay the price of work
A job is a job, it gets you sweaty
Straighten yourself and run full speed towards a wall
Critique doesn’t matter, a loser loses everything

But so do the winners, at least I think so
When your head is grey and your life is uncertain
The state is weird and everyone wants strange cars
Nobody smells the awful smell of karma
The stink that reaches Australia
Everyone continues their struggle always here
It could be time to change some attitudes
Or there’s no weapons against this position


Chorus
I almost wish for better feelings
Hearts are full of empty holes
The phone people only open up when they’re drunk
And then the ship has been sunk
I almost wish for better feelings
Hearts are full of empty holes
The phone people only open up when they’re drunk

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Way ... way ... way(!) too many words!

 

Stop thinking!  No one wants to listen to a lyric that obliges them to think!

 

You have two good sentences here ... but they are very good sentences:

Quote

Hearts are full of empty holes
The phone people only open up when they’re drunk

 

Edited by MikeRobinson
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, MikeRobinson said:

Way ... way ... way(!) too many words!

 

Stop thinking!  No one wants to listen to a lyric that obliges them to think!

 

You have two good sentences here ... but they are very good sentences:

 


Thanks for those points. You get sometimes blind to your text. I wrote this as a rap song, and it has too much thinking and way too many topics behind it. Maybe there's a pop song buried in there somewhere. I should focus  on that main point of the phone people and put the rest to sleep.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Wrote another version where the song's idea is much clearer. Thanks again for the critique!
 

The Phone People


Verse 1
No talking in the bus
Everybody with earbuds
Going on the daily route
Everyone has a role
I can’t understand it
This is no theater show
But still I follow the norm

Chorus
Hearts are full of empty holes
The phone people only open up
When they’re drunk

Hearts are full of empty holes
The phone people only open up
When they’re drunk

Verse 2
Again I’m in a train
A long way to Helsinki
There’s a girl in front of me
Wonder what she’s thinking
I feel this is messed up

When you can’t start a conversation
Although we’re both really bored

Chorus
Hearts are full of empty holes
The phone people only open up
When they’re drunk

Hearts are full of empty holes
The phone people only open up
When they’re drunk


Bridge
My phone rings, it’s my friend
And I can finally talk, that is real neat
I tell her I’m coming to the show
To play some rock ‘n’ roll
The call ends, back to silence
The girl in front of me starts smiling
We’re going to the same show apparently
The ice breaks, we’re free to talk
That wasn’t so hard

Chorus
Hearts are full of empty holes
The phone people only open up
When they’re drunk

Hearts are full of empty holes
The phone people only open up
When they’re drunk

Edited by Nousevas

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok read both . and your second is more to the point but like the first. Not sure if rap would do this well.

Wordy yes but it just needs direction. Not sure if a melody is in your head. Think it would help if it was . would give it a better tempo and make things gel a bit better.

I suck at rewrites but this needs one . I feel it could be pretty good as topic is relatable. 

But again get a melody and stick with it. Pop is where I would be . as far as wordy with a melody that would remove alot of the words

Rock on 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have to agree with Tom.  Quickly because I never have much time but, the phone people idea is good, it somehow is still layered in the chorus and doesn't seem to come out far enough to grab attention yet.  Perhaps moving it to the first line of the chorus.

 

i liked the word going in the first write and thought more of the verses could be images brought about by going places.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.