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Patty Lakamp

Friendship Hurts If You Do It Right

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Patty Lakamp    41

 “Friendship Hurts If You Do It Right”

(Patty Lakamp)

 

We were best friends all through grade school

Brave explorers in the park

Built a fort down by the river

She was Lewis to my Clark

Then her Daddy got a new job

First time I’d encountered fate

 

I learned something about friendships

I did not anticipate

                       

(Chorus)

Friendship hurts if you do it right 

Friends move on and they leave you behind

The closer the friend, the deeper the pain       

But it’s part of life to start over again

 

I met Jennie as a freshman

We shared books and boys and beer

Listening to her secrets

Was like looking in the mirror

Senior year she fell for Charlie

By spring they were engaged

Hand in hand they broke it to me

They were moving to L.A.

 

(Chorus)

Friendship hurts if you do it right

Friends move on and they leave you behind

The closer the friend, the deeper the pain       

But it’s part of life to start over again

 

I’ve had coffee twice a week with

Mary Ann for thirty years  

We’ve had every conversation  

About marriage and careers 

She’s the kind of friend who gets me

It took years to build this trust

Now she’s moving to Montana

And I’m struggling to adjust

 

(Chorus)

Friendship hurts if you do it right

Friends move on and they leave you behind

The closer the friend, the deeper the pain       

But it’s part of life to start over again

 

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017

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HoboSage    1,909

Girls built forts too?  I never knew! :)

 

While the continuing timeline is a nice device to employ, I think three stanzas about another friendship ending due to the friend moving away is a bit too same-same to keep the story compelling.  Surely there are other reasons for a friendship ending that could be used and keep things fresher.  Just my opinion.  Perhaps the second friendship could end because you caught the friend cheating with your man, and the last friendship could end because the friend dies.  You'd have to tweak-out the "move on" aspect of the second line of the chorus, but I think something like "Friendships end and you leave them behind" could work just as well.  Just ideas. 

 

David

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Patty Lakamp    41

Thank you.  Good point about the reason always being the move.  I will think on it and try to improve it.

its not that the friendship ends, but that the friends are no longer physically in the same place, which changes the day-to-day.  I get your point, though, and I appreciate the insight.

 

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HoboSage    1,909

Well, the protagonist could be the one who has to move away in one verse.  That would be some kind of change at least.

 

You might also want to rethink saying that "friends move on," if you mean to imply that the friendship continues, but long distance.  If you said "friends move away," to me, that would only imply moving away in terms of distance.  But, to say that "friends move on," ("and leave you behind" with deep pain), to me, that pretty strongly implies they're moving on from being friends, and that the friendship does end.  FWIW, this comes across to me as a protagonist who feels abandoned by former friends   Just my take.

 

 

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Nousevas    4

Hi! I think the verses are very unique and cool. I like the time jumps between them an how each of the relationships are different. The title/hook isn't exactly descriptive of the verses, but still works (why do friendships hurt, isn't it leaving the friendships that hurt?). I agree with HoboSage about the "friends move on"-line, that it could also be changed.  The chorus otherwise is good. I liked the song overall very much, nice job! This wasn't exactly much of a critique, but I didn't find too much to criticize.

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Timbre    151

I think you've got a great idea here to build on. HoboSage's idea about changing the circumstances in each verse makes sense to tell a more interesting story--somewhat like the Patty Loveless song "How Can I Help You Say Goodbye" in which the first verse is about moving away from a best friend and final verse is the mother passing away.

 

Your statement above about the friendships not ending but just changing could add some nuance to the chorus. The phrases "they leave you behind" and "start over again" are pretty stark statements that may be exactly what you want to convey, but if not, then its worth considering how to soften that a bit. I think your title/hook is a great testament to friendship. Good stuff to build on.

 

~T

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Patty Lakamp    41

 (I'm not sure how to reply to each person who commented, so I'll put all my responses so far in this post.  {Help?}

 

Hobosage:  You got me with: "Girls build forts, too?"  :-)  I need to rethink the "move on," "move away" part.  And you're right to pick up on the abandonment theme.  I don't mean there was any disagreement between the friends, just that it really hurts when a close friend leaves town for reasons that make perfect sense for her, but leave you feeling bereft, even if you support/understand the move for her benefit.  

 

 

Nousevas:  I appreciate your comments. Re the title, I see your point about it being the "leaving" that hurts, but I think I'll pursue that line because especially these days, people DO physically move a lot and I'm trying to say that even knowing this, you should give friendship your all, because it's worth it.

 

Timbre:  I'll check out the Patty Loveless song.  Thanks for the support and encouragement.

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Timbre    151
1 hour ago, Patty Lakamp said:

I'm trying to say that even knowing this, you should give friendship your all, because it's worth it.

I think this is a powerful statement. Giving it your all fits the "if you do it right" part of the hook. It serves to counterbalance the abandonment theme, which I think is so honest but can hijack the song if you don't balance it out some. A bridge could be a good place to make the point about giving it your all.

 

In terms of how you respond to feedback, that's up to you. You've gotten a lot of response pretty quickly so it can be more efficient to combine it like you did. I find that the most important thing is to acknowledge the feedback in some way so folks know you are receptive to it, which you clearly are :). ~T

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Peggy    380
17 hours ago, HoboSage said:

Girls built forts too?  I never knew! :)

Hi Patty,

Alot of good suggestions to take into account.  

 

"Brave explorers in the park"

"Built a fort down by the river"

"She was Lewis to my Clark"

 

Just want to let you know these lines describe exact parts of my childhood. So I love them.

Do I know you? .. haha just kidding but dang!

 

So this girl built forts, David :)

 

Peggy

 

 

Edited by Peggy
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Patty Lakamp    41

Thank you, Peggy!  That's quite a compliment because that's exactly how I wanted a listener to respond!  

 

Now, I have to take a look at the whole song and incorporate all the good suggestions. What a wonderful resource this group is!  Thanks!

 

 

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