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Patty Lakamp

Green Eyes Are Making Me Blue

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Patty Lakamp    41

Hi,

 

I'd love some feedback on this song.  Even just whether you prefer "Green Eyes" or "Green Eyes are Making Me Blue"

 

 

“Green Eyes”

(Patty Lakamp)

 

 

You say you flew to Paris

When St. Thomas got too hot

I’d like to say I’m glad for you

But honestly I’m not

 

I know I sound embittered

And ungracious to my friends 

But the picture gets distorted 

When green eyes look through the lens

 

(Chorus)

Green eyes are making me blue

Why do I always compare myself with you?

Green eyes are making me blue

 They’re coloring our friendship and how I think of you

 

You never check a price tag

And you always have a tan

I don’t want to live like you do 

But I’m jealous that you can

 

Envy is a traitor

Who puts poison in the stew

I make myself feel Less Than

more than anything you do

 

(Chorus)

Green eyes are making me blue

Why do I always compare myself with you?

Green eyes are making me blue

 They’re coloring our friendship and how I think of you

 

Green eyes are making me blue

If I don’t get this figured out

I’m going to lose you

Don’t let me lose you

 

 

 

 

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2016

Edited by Patty Lakamp
Changed chorus line 4

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tomcollins    512

Hey patty

Read both your writes.

Didn't comment on other , as what needed to be said , was said.

I like the way you write .

 My biggest issue is chorus.

Tho written well. It or they feel more like another verse. 

Even tho the green eyes are making me blue concept been done .you made it your own .

So I would try to work with the hook a bit. Make it more and stand out. 

Not crazy about envy verse but does fit.

Solid writes and look forward to seeing more of your stuff!

Rock on !!!

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Patty Lakamp    41

tomcollins:  Thank you for your comments. Even something simple like "I like the way you write" is encouraging to me, as a beginner.  You've raised a point I need to research more: the different functions of verse & chorus.  I thought this chorus was a good summary, but if it doesn't feel that way to you, then I want to look at it again. The goal is always to be better!

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tomcollins    512

The chorus should have a catch, hook tho yours does work it doesn't,to me make others want to sing it. 

Most songs (lyricaly) you know the chorus. Because they have a hook something to remember .

Being new its best to learn read and crit others . go out of the box a bit. After green eyes making me blue. Dont explain why really go with that emotion.do a play on colors or emotion .make it yours own it. For that saying has been used.think a country top ten song used same kinda line

Rock on 

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