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Nousevas

Autumn Left

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Here's another song I wrote. It has a funny title (not Autumn Leaves, but Autumn Left). A very Finnish song, as we have hard winters sometimes here. Tell me, what you guys think and if there's something that needs to be changed about the song.

Autumn Left

Verse 1
The leaves have fallen, the ground has frozen
I've just woken and my heart is broken
She just left our home without any kind of note
I have the driest throat as I grab my coat
Someone help me

Chorus
Autumn left, I said Autumn has forsaken me
Autumn left and so did she
Autumn left, I said Autumn has forsaken me
Autumn left and so did she


Verse 2

I'm plowing the snow feeling cold and all alone
The piles are overblown, oh give a dog a bone
I haven't slept in days, I've gone to my own ways
This feeling stays and stays, love is such a maze
Someone help me

Chorus
Autumn left, I said Autumn has forsaken me
Autumn left and so did she
Autumn left, I said Autumn has forsaken me
Autumn left and so did she

Bridge
Where did she go? I don't even know
To New Mexico? Or to Tokyo?
Why did she leave me? What did I do wrong?
And why does this damned winter feel so long?

Chorus
Autumn left, I said Autumn has forsaken me
Autumn left and so did she
Autumn left, I said Autumn has forsaken me
Autumn left and so did she

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On first read I did not like the heavy dose of rhyme, but on the third read, I was singing this to a melody, with my own bits of editing and all the rhyme worked.  Almost all the rhyme, give a dog a bone was odd and didn't fit meaningfully, even when stretching my brain around it.  

 

I also dropped the someone help me line. That didn't seem necessary with the way I was singing, and I'm wondering how your melody goes.  I think perhaps if your melody can hold that line in place, then it might work better if it changed at the end of other verses so it is less of a refrain and more of another point you're making.  I guess it's a matter of how you look at it, but the person doesn't seem to need the help.  Maybe think about changing it from a request to a statement of truth.  

 

The singing edits I spoke of were due in part to having my own melody, but in part because there are too many words.  The best way I know to edit out words is by singing the lyric to a melody.  

 

I think the chorus ores could also provide my dynamics.  Maybe not so far as energy is concerned but the second half could bring some new meaning

 

autumn left, autumn has forsaken me

autumn left, and so did she

autumn left, another line that ends in e

seasons change, and so did she

 

i dont know, there are always things that can change.

 

mp

 

 

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