36 posts in this topic

Thank you, John. I appreciate your comments and i will definitely take a fresh look at the first version.

 

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I didn't even know you'd posted that version!! How'd I miss it??

 

I think it's a very good combining of the GDDI the girltalk advice approaches, while leaving out the serious "confessional" stuff. And I really like the repeated "do it" in the chorus. It gives it a nice rhythm and drives home the title. Most of verse lines have good rhythm, but your 4th lines are still a bit inconsistent. Of course lines rarely have to exactly match, due to vocal melody, or whether there's a break, or a pre/chorus right after it, or all kindsa stuff. But going by your written arrangement which doesn't account for those things, I'd suggest this type of stuff for your L4s:

 

   ....Don’t have an affair                   Please don't have an affair  (this line needs that 6th syllable)

   ....I know, I've been there, too        You know I've been there too   (you're still advising your friend)

   ....You have so much to lose          <No suggested changes; I'm matching the others to this.>

   ....You can feel that way again       And feel like that again   (a 7th syllable threw it off, and "like that' sings better.)

 

Of course I still favor "yourself" over "your heart", and I still favor a more singularly focused version, but maybe I'm suggesting over-focus. (It would be just like me to to rush to the other side of the over-scope coin.) I think if you fix the L4 rhythm inconsistencies, you will have a version that is more than ready to be seen by virgin eyes, like I mentioned in msging.

 

Cause that thing is getting pretty darned good. (I told you you'd get this!!)

 

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John,  Thanks for commenting, and sorry your electronic gadgets are not behaving!  We depend on them so much!

 

I like the "Confessional" version, too, and it seems to have resonated with a number of people here, so that encourages me to work harder on making it a good lyrical package.

And yes, "What's the answer to the question" is a better way to say what I was thinking. Thanks!

 

I have some work to do!

 

Patty

 

 

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Vara, just saw this, and I'll take a closer look tomorrow.  Thanks. I argued with myself about You know, I've been there, too and I know, I've been there, too.  Back and forth.  I finally went with I know, because it seemed  more emphatic?  But I'll reconsider.

 

Thanks as always for your valued support!

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Vara,

 

Just had a moment to review your suggestions.  I see I had totally spaced on on the L4 rhythm patterns. I made (almost) all the changes you suggested.  I especially like "And feel that way again." It's a smoother way of suggesting that she CAN feel that way again.  Good catch!

 

I'm stuck on "I know, I've been there, too" over "You know, I've been there, too."  But I could change my mind...I can see it both ways.  I'm thinking that "I know," somehow shows more empathy with the friend, but "you know, I've been there, too" was the first way I wrote it. Plus there is another "you know" in V3.  I'll have to think about it some more.

 

Here's the most current version:

 

 

Girl, Don’t Do It (Take Your Passion Home)

 

 

You asked me to be honest

‘Cause of history we share

Girlfriend, please don’t do it

Please don’t have an affair

 

You say this man is magic

You can’t resist a rendezvous

But magic’s an illusion

I know, I’ve been there, too

 

(Chorus)

Girl, don’t do it

You’ll be sorry if do it

Girl, don’t do it

Take your passion home

Yeah, that’s the better way to do it

Take your passion home

 

You know you said the same to me

When I was in your shoes

So listen to your own advice

You have so much to lose

 

(Chorus)

Girl, don’t do it

You’ll be sorry if do it

Girl, don’t do it

Take your passion home

Yeah, that’s the better way to do it

Take your passion home

 

When you floated down the aisle

Your heart beat just for him

Give your heart back to your husband

And feel that way again

 

(Chorus)

Girl, don’t do it

You’ll be sorry if do it

Girl, don’t do it

Take your passion home

Yeah, that’s the better way to do it

Take your passion home

 

 

 

 

(Bridge)

Yeah, take your passion home tonight and find a way to stay

Grab that man you married and teach him how to play

Yeah, teach him how to play

 

 

(Chorus)

Girl, don’t do it

You’ll be sorry if do it

Girl, don’t do it

Take your passion home

Yeah, that’s the better way to do it

Take your passion home

 

 

© Copyright 2017

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I'd say it's pretty good.  :-)

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