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Patty Lakamp

Girl Don't Do It

49 posts in this topic

Thank you, John. I appreciate your comments and i will definitely take a fresh look at the first version.

 

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I didn't even know you'd posted that version!! How'd I miss it??

 

I think it's a very good combining of the GDDI the girltalk advice approaches, while leaving out the serious "confessional" stuff. And I really like the repeated "do it" in the chorus. It gives it a nice rhythm and drives home the title. Most of verse lines have good rhythm, but your 4th lines are still a bit inconsistent. Of course lines rarely have to exactly match, due to vocal melody, or whether there's a break, or a pre/chorus right after it, or all kindsa stuff. But going by your written arrangement which doesn't account for those things, I'd suggest this type of stuff for your L4s:

 

   ....Don’t have an affair                   Please don't have an affair  (this line needs that 6th syllable)

   ....I know, I've been there, too        You know I've been there too   (you're still advising your friend)

   ....You have so much to lose          <No suggested changes; I'm matching the others to this.>

   ....You can feel that way again       And feel like that again   (a 7th syllable threw it off, and "like that' sings better.)

 

Of course I still favor "yourself" over "your heart", and I still favor a more singularly focused version, but maybe I'm suggesting over-focus. (It would be just like me to to rush to the other side of the over-scope coin.) I think if you fix the L4 rhythm inconsistencies, you will have a version that is more than ready to be seen by virgin eyes, like I mentioned in msging.

 

Cause that thing is getting pretty darned good. (I told you you'd get this!!)

 

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John,  Thanks for commenting, and sorry your electronic gadgets are not behaving!  We depend on them so much!

 

I like the "Confessional" version, too, and it seems to have resonated with a number of people here, so that encourages me to work harder on making it a good lyrical package.

And yes, "What's the answer to the question" is a better way to say what I was thinking. Thanks!

 

I have some work to do!

 

Patty

 

 

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Vara, just saw this, and I'll take a closer look tomorrow.  Thanks. I argued with myself about You know, I've been there, too and I know, I've been there, too.  Back and forth.  I finally went with I know, because it seemed  more emphatic?  But I'll reconsider.

 

Thanks as always for your valued support!

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Vara,

 

Just had a moment to review your suggestions.  I see I had totally spaced on on the L4 rhythm patterns. I made (almost) all the changes you suggested.  I especially like "And feel that way again." It's a smoother way of suggesting that she CAN feel that way again.  Good catch!

 

I'm stuck on "I know, I've been there, too" over "You know, I've been there, too."  But I could change my mind...I can see it both ways.  I'm thinking that "I know," somehow shows more empathy with the friend, but "you know, I've been there, too" was the first way I wrote it. Plus there is another "you know" in V3.  I'll have to think about it some more.

 

Here's the most current version:

 

 

Girl, Don’t Do It (Take Your Passion Home)

 

 

You asked me to be honest

‘Cause of history we share

Girlfriend, please don’t do it

Please don’t have an affair

 

You say this man is magic

You can’t resist a rendezvous

But magic’s an illusion

I know, I’ve been there, too

 

(Chorus)

Girl, don’t do it

You’ll be sorry if do it

Girl, don’t do it

Take your passion home

Yeah, that’s the better way to do it

Take your passion home

 

You know you said the same to me

When I was in your shoes

So listen to your own advice

You have so much to lose

 

(Chorus)

Girl, don’t do it

You’ll be sorry if do it

Girl, don’t do it

Take your passion home

Yeah, that’s the better way to do it

Take your passion home

 

When you floated down the aisle

Your heart beat just for him

Give your heart back to your husband

And feel that way again

 

(Chorus)

Girl, don’t do it

You’ll be sorry if do it

Girl, don’t do it

Take your passion home

Yeah, that’s the better way to do it

Take your passion home

 

 

 

 

(Bridge)

Yeah, take your passion home tonight and find a way to stay

Grab that man you married and teach him how to play

Yeah, teach him how to play

 

 

(Chorus)

Girl, don’t do it

You’ll be sorry if do it

Girl, don’t do it

Take your passion home

Yeah, that’s the better way to do it

Take your passion home

 

 

© Copyright 2017

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I'd say it's pretty good.  :-)

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Posted (edited)

Hi,

 

Seems I'm always revising.  Here is the latest version that I hope is good enough to be the final version.

 

Girl, Don’t Do It (Take Your Passion Home)

 

V1:

I’m telling you a secret

I never dared to share

Once, when I was someone else

….I had an affair

 

V2:

You’re telling me your secret

‘Cause you are where I was

Let’s talk it through together

And keep it between us

 

Chorus:

Girl, don’t do it

Do you want to go through life

Just somebody’s lover

Or a loving wife?

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

V3

You say this man is magic

You crave a rendezvous

But magic’s an illusion

I know, I’ve been there, too

 

Chorus:

Girl, don’t do it

Do you want to go through life

Just somebody’s lover

Or a loving wife?

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

  

V4

When you floated down the aisle--

Your heart beat just for him

Give your heart back to your husband

And feel that way again 

 

Chorus:

Girl, don’t do it

Do you want to go through life

Just somebody’s lover

Or a loving wife?

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

 (Bridge)

Yes, take your passion home tonight and find a way to stay

Grab that man you married and teach him how to play

Yeah, teach him how to play

 

Chorus:

Girl, don’t do it

Do you want to go through life

Just somebody’s lover

Or a loving wife?

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

 

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017

Edited by Patty Lakamp
wrong lines in chorus

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TBH I like your May 20 version way better. It flows, it says what needs to be said, and the chorus is much catchier. I think your new Fri June 2 version is back to over-scope. Sorry.  :-(

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8 hours ago, Vara La Fey said:

TBH I like your May 20 version way better. It flows, it says what needs to be said, and the chorus is much catchier. I think your new Fri June 2 version is back to over-scope. Sorry.  :-(

No need to be sorry.   I appreciate your comments.  You may well be right.  I just really liked the new chorus, particularly the lines:

 

Do you want to go through life

Just somebody's lover or a loving wife?

 

I hoped that would encapsulate the choice she's facing.  Maybe this could be the Bridge?

 

I also preferred L3&L4 of V1:

Once, when I was someone else,

....I had an affair

 

The hard part for me is the tug-of-war in my head about the best way to say things/structure the lyric when there's a choice like this.  If it's solely personal preference, then I can choose easily.  If it's a matter of recognizing the "obvious" better choice because of experience and maybe instinct, I'm not there yet.

 

 

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I'm not sure what you mean by "when there's a choice like this". A choice like what? A choice about how to express things, or about which things to express? The former is solved by anything which makes it clear and fits in rhythmically. The latter usually indicates overscope.

 

A normal length song (2:45 - 4:00 min, I suppose) can only cover so much because there's not much space to begin with, and because some things need to be repeated, sometimes a lot. Usually that leaves room for just one thing. Hammer that thing home, and it's prollly a good song.

 

Overscope is a constant battle for me too. I just hope I've learned how to cut off its supply lines....

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Why change it if it works and serves its purpose? I think most of your original advice was bad.

They told you to change things that worked. The only issue I had with your first post was that it was ABABAB.

But besides the obvious need of adding more sections to it so its less chorus dominant the lyrics were splendid and very likeable.

 

It obviously needed a bridge and possibly a variation to the verse with more layering if the song didn't have enough happening. 

Now you completely changed the lyrics and I feel paid the price for it.

It's turned from a song that carried inspiration and wit, to a song that feels like it was forced to appease a demographic.

f*ck peoples opinions on your lyrics unless its actually relevant to the structure.

If the original inspiration for the song wasn't strong enough to make you keep most of the lyrics after you made changes, 

then the song wasn't powerful enough to begin with and your 99/100 times going to waste your time continuing with it.

Maybe consider moving on? 

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18 hours ago, Vara La Fey said:

I'm not sure what you mean by "when there's a choice like this". A choice like what? A choice about how to express things, or about which things to express? The former is solved by anything which makes it clear and fits in rhythmically. The latter usually indicates overscope.

 

 By "a choice like this" I meant how to express things.  I really like "Do you want to go through life/Just somebody's lover/ or a loving wife".

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5 hours ago, Patty Lakamp said:

 By "a choice like this" I meant how to express things.  I really like "Do you want to go through life/Just somebody's lover/ or a loving wife".

 

That's not a bad way to express it.

 

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Posted (edited)

Here's a link to moptop's music and vocals:

 

 
 
Here is the latest version of the lyrics:
 

Girl, Don’t Do It (Take Your Passion Home)

 

V1:

I’m telling you a secret

I never dared to share

Once, when I was someone else

….I had an affair

 

V2:

You’re telling me your secret

‘Cause you are where I was

Let’s talk it through together

And keep it between us

 

Chorus:

Girl, don’t do it

Think about your life

Are you just somebody’s lover

Or a loving wife

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

V3

You say this man is magic

You crave a rendezvous

But magic is just an illusion

I know, I’ve been there, too

 

Chorus:

Girl, don’t do it

Think about your life

Are you just somebody’s lover

Or a loving wife

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

 

V4

The day you floated down the aisle--

Your heart beat just for him

Give your heart back to your husband

And feel that way again 

Chorus:

Girl, don’t do it

Think about your life

Are you just somebody’s lover

Or a loving wife

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

 (Bridge)

Yes, take your passion home tonight and find a way to stay

Grab that man you married and teach him how to play

Yeah, teach him how to play

 

Chorus:

Girl, don’t do it

Think about your life

Are you just somebody’s lover

Or a loving wife

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

 

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017

Edited by Patty Lakamp
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Pretty nice. And when sung, "think about your life" will pace much better than "do you want to go through life".

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I read your initial post and thought some of the verses and lines could be rearranged and one verse dropped as it said some of what had already been said. Doing that may make the story clearer.

 

So here is my suggestion:

 

You know I love you like a daughter 
Thanks to God I’ve earned your trust
Now you’re asking me for counsel
Find yourself where I once was

 

There’s this secret I’ve been hiding
Let’s just say a brief affair 
I learned a very bitter lesson
Listen up hey I’ve been there
 
(Chorus)
Girl don’t do it
Find another way
You'll live with this forever
Think beyond today
 
My confession is unnerving
Open scars still pose a threat
But I fear the road your treading
Means a lifetime of regret  
 
I can see you’re sorely tempted 
Honey use a little sense 
You can’t hide that guilty feeling
You're the living evidence  
 
(Chorus)
Girl don’t do it
Find another way
You'll live with this forever
Think beyond today
 
Here’s the fundamental question  
Are you a lover or a wife?
You don't want to be a woman 
Caught up in a double life 
 
(Chorus)
Girl, don’t do it
Find another way
You'll live with this forever
Think beyond today

 

Hopefully there is something of use there. If not, feel free to ignore ☺

Phil.

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Thanks for reading and critiquing, Philjo,

 

This lyric has been spliced and diced so many times, even I am losing track of the number of versions.  I have received a lot of good comments on this latest version, particularly since people heard moptop's music and vocals.  We're still working on it, but I think I like the version he recorded more than the other options.  I realize there are many good ways to say the same thing, so your input is valuable.

 

I continue to work on the "confessional version" that may pick up some of the lines you suggested.

 

Thanks.

 

Patty

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Ah I missed that. I went straight to the top and dived in!

Yes it sounds good and the lyric has developed giving a more rounded story.

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Thanks, Philjo!

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