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Dallon426

Stable Minus Sport

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Dallon426    25

Here it is

 

 

 

Edited by Dallon426
  • Like 2

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Dallon426    25

I was sure when I met you

I was absolutely stable

we were born to forget you

He'll do the same if he's able

 

We were sport

You were bored

 

Ain't it just like you

is our trust confused?

Circle round the room

hunch over the pews

 

The wound exposed wide open

Last page ripped from a book

Tell me is there no reversals?

Once we realized what we took

 

Am I just like you?

Is our love amused?

Breathe out in Blooms

Moving on to soon

 

We were sport

You bored

I was torn

You're a storm

 

 

 

 

 

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lflux    6
On 29/04/2017 at 7:18 AM, Dallon426 said:

Here it is

 

 

Very good. The overall sound of the song is instantly engaging and lulling. I appreciate the little surprise after the short intro, too, where the tone of the song changes unexpectedly.

 

The vocals are sound. I do think that elevating your voice to a higher standard here could be achieved by giving it some more reverb in the verses. Right now I feel as if the clear, crisp vocals scrape across the otherwise misty and hazy soundscape, and that the mix could benefit from the vocals leaking more into the ebb and flow of the rest of the tranquil piece.

 

Drums are pleasant to the ear, if a little constant. Not much space is given to breathe throughout the beats.

 

Getting more nitpicky: the bass is nice, but would be nicer on a lower octave. As it stands, the song sounds like you've attempted to give it depth spanning low to high pitch, like how you've included the high-pitched electric synthesiser alongside a bass guitar, but I think ultimately this balance hasn't truly been attained because the deepening function of the bassline has not actually been utilised due to its somewhat high pitch (for a bassline). Said in less over-convoluted terms: the bass could be more bass-y by turning it down an octave.

 

Now, the fade-out... I think fading out at times can be an excellent device that has great atmospheric potential. For this song, fading out was a perfect choice; the music is quiet, softly lamenting, and rambling. A fade out is sad, like a person lost in their thoughts wandering off to somewhere faraway to contemplate. The execution of the fade here is unfortunately kind of poor, though; to me, it sounds as if there has not been a great deal of attention paid to the timing of the fade. It begins at a point in which we have only just began to breathe after listening to your vocals for a few minutes - a section that could have lingered for a little longer - and it all happens very quickly: the sound begins to slip away rapidly and, before you can process what's going on, there it is: silence. If more time is given to allow listeners to accustom themselves to each section - the breather; the fading out - then I think the atmosphere will be more effectively reached.

 

Above all, this is a good song! I enjoyed it.

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Love it! I agree with Iflux about the bass. What kills me, though, is that it isn't in the pocket! If everything was in time all of the time (especially the guitar), I would buy the record and listen to it all of the time! It reminds me of The Dodos, do you listen to them much?

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I like the song, lyrics are real good.  The vocals aren't bad, has decent beat. imho I think the hook could come out a little bit more. My critical points are mostly around a few timing issues, a couple of pitchy spots on the vocals, and the overall mix balance in the Low,mid,highs. It's lacking in the low end register.  I wouldn't expect it to be a pro recording , so I think it's real good for  a home style recording

Edit:  I went to your page and listened to your music on bandcamp.  You did a great job on the music posted there. The mix is smooth and balanced, timing is right on on those songs. imho I would maybe rework this one a bit because it's worth it. 

Edited by 2255fulltiltboogie
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Rob Ash    476

 

 

 

I think the timing issues this has are minor.

 

What misses there are are a matter of tenths of a second... I realize some can hear such things... I can, mostly because I make the same kinds of mistakes in my songs. They are also not present throughout the song. Some parts are perfectly timed.

 

This piece has a nice Bowie, Alan Parson kind of vibe to it. Someone said the drums were inconsistent. I think that may be true. The also do not "pick it up" in some places the way the ear comes to expect that they might. There are spots where it sounds like the drums need to pick up the tempo and drive the song a lot more, and they don't... they stay in the background, and in a staccato mode. This causes the song to drag, a bit,. and to run long, a bit.

 

But there is no denying the dramatic, story telling style of the tune. It builds and drives inevitably to a climactic resolution, as if relating an epic tale. In that respect, it has a sort of Rick Wakeman feel. The way this was written and performed is very ambitious, I think.

 

The bass is played in the second octave mostly. Not sure why. Playing the same bass line an octave lower would reinforce the Rick Wakeman/Yes feel. It would also help drive the tune more. The tone sounds pretty okay... I think if you just went back and moved the whole bass line to the bottom end of the E string you'd be good.

 

I really like this song. Despite any technical oddities, many of which merely add character to what is a totally original song. In terms of it's content, I think this is a fine offering. If this is the beginning, I look forward to hearing the fifth, or sixth song this member uploads for us.

 

Fine job all around. If you do re-record or otherwise edit this to the extent you can repost, I'd look forward to that as well.

 

 

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LooknGlass    379

A touch of Pink Floyd meets David Bowie. That's what I hear, and I like it. Being primarily a lyricist I can't really comment on it musically in depth, but I do like the melody and feel. Good stuff

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I love the intro, how it sort of gets closer and more intimate as it goes on. I'm not sure about the sawtooth synth sound, though. It sounds out-of-place to me. It sounds too 'simple' in comparison to the richness of the rest of the track. 

 

I agree about the vocals being a bit dry, especially during the chorus. I would add to that that I think they're also a bit too heavy, and perhaps too loud. Maybe carve a bit of low-mid off of them, so they sit better in the mix.

 

As others have said, it's not in the pocket. And while it's subtle, once you hear it, you can't unhear it, which really puts a damper on the experience.

 

Other than that, good work!

 

Edited by Will Sketches

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oleaw    13

First of all, nice glasses and nice image to accomodate the song. I am quite fond of the various sounds and the soundscape you have created. The mix is best during the intro and then floats a bit together throughout the song. The piece works well as it is, but if you want to continue working on it you could polish the vocal a bit an make them slightly more dynamic, and also work a little bit on the mix to bring out the various instruments more after the intro. Just turning up the various lead instruments at any given time 5-10% percent throughout for instance.

Edited by oleaw

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Dallon426    25

Thank you to everyone for feedback

Here is an updated version

 

https://dallonghan.bandcamp.com/track/stable-minus-sport-2

 

Anymore feedback is appreciated

Edited by Dallon426

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