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sunnyfender    6

Hello, 

 

Again I haven't posted for a long while, life gets busy.

 

These lyrics are about how someone can have a hold over you that they can control how you feel. 

 

I understand it needs some tweaks but your input would be greatly appreciated, thanks :) 

 

''You Look Good Today''

 

Today I pray that you will be nice,

I pray that you will be kind.

You hold all the cards,

If your hand is fine, then i'm fine.

I'll dip my toe in the water,

If its cold then I'll go.

When the grey skies come,

You'll be sure I know. 

 

Then I feel so low,

So low I could give up.

You say to me: 

 

You look good today

I bloody love this beautiful calm

You look good today.

Please be nice all the time.

You look good today. 

Suddenly the beams they shine. 

You look good today. 

 

Now you got me,

With your sideways look,

I feel so damn not good. 

I need you to cradle me 

Like a child, I crave you.

But you flipped the penny,

It landed on its head.

I'm living on a fifty-fifty.

And you, you make my bed. 

 

Then I feel so low,

So low I could give up.

You say to me:

 

You look good today

I bloody love this beautiful calm

You look good today.

Please be nice all the time.

You look good today. 

Suddenly the beams they shine. 

You look good today. 

 

When the wind changes, one day i'll go.

When the bruises fade, then i'll go. 

When I feel strong enough, but not right now.

 

Your grip is too tight. 

Edited by sunnyfender
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McnaughtonPark    695

In the introduction you mention someone controlling how another person feels.  Some of the lyric reads like physical abuse rather than emotional abuse.  For me, it's stuck in the middle yet.  It's a tough subject area to write in, but as far as the lyric goes, I think it could be clearer.  

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sunnyfender    6

 Thanks for the Critique and nice to see you are still around on the forum after so long :) 

 

 Physical and Verbal abuse do have the same outcome and similar effects on people so the lines are bound to blur. 

 

The message is about how someone controls you predominantly. Whether that be physical or verbally.  

 

Is there any areas specifically it could be more clearer to you? 

 

I think not everyone can relate to this song. 

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McnaughtonPark    695

First verse, if it's cold then I'll go, but you don't.  

 

Then at the end, all the I'll go statements.

 

 

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Patty Lakamp    41

Good for you for addressing a tough topic. 

 

Trouble is, it's hard to understand what you're trying to say.  For example:

 

You've given a lot of weight to your title--You look good today--but it isn't clear what that means. Is it literal? If so, why is it important?  Is it code for something?  Is it the habitual prelude to getting hit or not hit?

 

Suddenly the beams they shine.  What are the beams?  Sunbeams? Ceiling beams? Your smile?

 

i have the same question about is this physical or emotional abuse?

"bloody love" suggests physical abuse to me.   If your hand is fine then I'm fine, again suggests getting hit physically. Why your hand, rather than your look, or your smile? bruises fade...that's pretty explicit. But given your prelude re someone controlling how you feel, it's hard to tell what you're trying to say.  I'm living on a fifty-fifty?  Do you mean it's a crap shoot as to what mood the person is in?  Perhaps there's a better way to say that, or maybe I'm just not familiar with that expression.

 

The end is rather abrupt.

 

i don't mean to be overly critical, but I think you have an important message in there somewhere, and maybe being more clear about what you're trying to convey would make a more successful lyric.

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HoboSage    1,935

Sometimes the real power in a message can only be heard while listening in a room for interpretation that clarity hasn't furnished.

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sunnyfender    6

Thanks for all the feedback on this song.

 

I knew it would be controversial and only really understood by those that have been through the same sort of thing. 

 

I cannot stress enough that it does not matter what is physical and emotional the end result is the same mentally. 

 

The line ''You look good today'' refers to how someone can mess with your head completely and put you down and  yet you still look for their reassurance because they seem to control your emotions. So they can be as horrid as they can to you but one compliment can make your world bright again because that is the effect that they have on you. 

 

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scotsman89    335

is that not the thing with abuse in what ever form - one nice word  - good deed - kind gesture  and the victim takes it as a sign he/she loves me . give them a chance and they will change ?

 

just my opinion 

John

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snabbu    437

Hi

Look it doesn't matter if its physical or emotional abuse, let the listener imprint on it. That is not the issue here. 

 

The issue is voice, whom is talking to whom?  It appears to me in the verse your talking too him, in the chorus he's talking too you, every second line your talking to him. 

 

Now before getting into the nitty gritty of the individual lines and images, the overall concept needs work. 

You can not have two voices in a song unless its a duet or  musical theatre etc. It won't work because its confusing. The message doesn't come through. 

 

And what voice should it be? This is subjective but my feeling is you should be talking to me about him. Because (a) It's not sensible to talk to him about his Jeckyl and Hyde nature, he's just gonna get mad, and he's not going to listen. (b) there is a chance that the interplay of words and emotions in the chorus can be saved, with a he says technique, so you can tell me what he says, then what you feel. I think this is important because that idea you have has pathos, and I am going to feel for you when I hear it. And it's going to be believable. 

 

Another structural issue is the lift, the melody should be climbing towards the chorus and the lyric is

"Then I feel so low,

So low I could give up.

You say to me"

 

Now if you write a climbing melody to those words it's going to be a massive prosody issue. If you write a descending melody which would fit the lyric prosody wise, its not a lift. Now I just don't know how that's going to work, I am not saying it won't, it just might not. The treatment of the chorus  might have to be special to make it fit. Maybe split style (where half the songs country the other half is doof doof) or something. Or the lift lyric needs to be longer so it can go down the first two lines and then climb for another two or three. Just pointing out that is going to be an issue so have a think about it. 

 

I have done an example of giving the melodist space to come back up in the lift and trying to maintain the feel of the chorus with clarity in the voicing.

 

Then I feel so low,

So low I feel, I may never get up again 

Then he turns around and smiles that smile and says too me

 

You look good today

and I bloody love this beautiful calm

You look good today.

why can't he be this nice all the time.

You look good today. 

Suddenly the sun begins to shine, when he says

You look good today. 

 

This is just a quick example to illustrate what I am getting at.

 

The internal structure of the song the rhyme scheme contrast etc is correct so there is nothing to do there except clean up your consistency 

verse one has eight lines verse two nine and I don't think the rhyme scheme is consistent. There are issues of non consistent stress between the verses.

 

Example:

verse 1

Today I pray that you will be nice,  3 syllable line length 

I pray that you will be kind. 3 syllable line length 

 

Verse 2

Now you got me, two syllable line length does not match verse one.

With your sideways look, 3 syllable line length matches verse one 

 

The naturally stressed syllables must be equal for the corresponding lines in each verse and must be substantially in the same place. That means line one verse two needs one extra stressed syllable and it needs to be the last syllable or close too, to match verse one's meter and stress.

 

For example

"Now you've got me panicked" is close enough 

"and Now you've got me pinned" is an exact match

You don't have to be exact you just have to close. 

 

So over all I liked the concept of the song and the chorus,the structure, tension and release feels right. The voice needs thinking about for clarity, meaning and emotion. 

There is some cleaning up to do in the verses as too meter and stress. In addition I would be very keen to see you set up the hook in the verses. The hook is him saying "you look good today", so it would add more weight to the hook if you mentioned his voice in one line of each verse.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

Edited by snabbu
lift extension
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sunnyfender    6

thank you so much for the constructive feedback, Gary. 

 

There is a lot of really good points there that I will surely work upon - much appreaciated!

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