10 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Here's a song I have been working on lately. Let me know what you think would make it better.

 

Thanks!

Verse 1:

Back’s against the wall and you are

Nothing but a spectator

Can’t drown out that self doubt, now

Just relax and settle down, now

Why did’ya come?

 

Pre-chorus:

They’re watching me, watching you, watch me

They’re watching me, watching you, watch me

 

Chorus:

Bottle label princess in you

Picked apart, in a sundress

 

Verse 2:

Building up your little castle

As your bottle comes unraveled

Walling out the spectators

Can’t drown out that self-doubt, now

Just relax and settle down, now

Why did’ya come?

 

Pre-chorus:

They’re watching me, watching you, watch me

They’re watching me, watching you, watch me

 

Chorus:

Beer bottle label princess in you

Picked apart, in a sundress

 

Verse 3:

Looking out at all that you aren’t

Clutching at your only comfort

Nothing but a spectator

Watching all the spectators     

Can’t drown out that self-doubt, now

Just relax and settle down, now

Why did’ya come?

 

Version 1

 
Edited version:

 

Edited by mrcaterpillar
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@mrcaterpillar,

 

Very cool track! It has a modern sound and I like those vocals a lot. Everything seemed to flow well until the chorus; the delay effect sounded a little messy tbh. I wasn't feeling that instrument in the intro, I thought it didn't really sound good being soloed - it doesn't bother me when it's with other instruments, though. This is just my opinion.

 

Very promising track/song, indeed. All the best with it!

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i really love the verses.. the melodies and beat are great. however, i just think there is simply too much going on in this song. or maybe things aren't mixed right.. but there was just so much to listen to that i couldn't get into it..

i agree with ken, the chorus doesn't work for me. maybe as a bridge or something, but not as the hunk of the song.

i really like the feel at 1:45, and i think everything should surmount to that moment.

but you don't really allow yourself to grow in the song. it kind of stays one dynamic throughout

 

but overall, i do really like what you've done. and you have some really good ideas in there.. it's just picking and choosing what's necessary at each point.

 

and you do make music similar to me!!! :)

 

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Thanks for your comments!

 

@ImKeN,

listening again, I think you're right. The delay in the chorus is a bit sloppy, I'll clean that up a bit and rework the intro.

 

@Jenn,

Hehe, cramming too much into a song is my greatest weakness.

 

I'll cut some stuff out, do some tidying up, and let you know how it goes. Thanks again.

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the things i like about this track are the vocal melodies, and the lyrics are very catchy! i thought the pre-chorus and chorus rightly stood out very well! 

the synth instruments are also nice!

 

if i were you, i might experiment with changing the whole song a few keys higher and see how that songs! i do not listen to a lot of dreampop, but the limited ones i came across seemed more dreamy, and the repeated lines "Bottle label princess in you, Picked apart, in a sundress" might sound more <i>more dreamy</i> if they were higher? 

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i think you are potential pop star :D

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Here is a new version of the song. I have cleaned up the delays in the chorus and stripped the verses down. It's also a touch slower. Have I gone too far, not far enough, or am I moving in the right direction?

 

@damonkoh, I'll try playing around with the key of the song next iteration. Thanks for your input!

 

 

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Great sound and vocal, I dig it! I find myself wondering what you mean by the chorus, but that's not a bad thing, vagueness can be interesting, and with the great vocal, it is. Cool tune!

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I think I like it a lot.  I'd be more sure if I could make out the words better.  Many of them are lost to me.

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I think the chorus sounds a lot clearer now, @mrcaterpillar. Love the energy picking up from verse three to the end. I think you're on the right track.

 

All the best!

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