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Vara La Fey    37

EXPLICIT

 

I need to finish these and unleash 'em on a smurfy little karma-believing world. If anyone remembers industrial metal band Static-X from the turn of the millenium, that's the musical vibe I plan to write. Have at 'em. Tear 'em up.

 

© 2016 Vara La Fey.

 

I AM KARMA


What comes around goes around, so they say
You reap what you sow somehow, some day

 

Pretty words to avoid the problem
Pretty words to avoid the problem

 

Last time you pulled the shit you pulled today
they got all about karma and you got away

Didn'tcha!!

 

They said you're someone else's problem
They said you're someone else's problem
 

And now you're mine
Mine all mine
Ooooh baby

 

  I, I, I
  I am karma
  And I, I, I
  I'm a bitch

 

Yeah the past said you'd get your due somehow
so you darken my door in the here and now

 

All your life you're someone else's problem
All your life you're someone else's problem

 

But your free ride stops at me today
and the future doesn't want you anyway
Nuh uh!!

 

You're not someone else's problem
You're not someone else's problem

 

Because you're mine
Mine all mine
Too much fun

  I, I, I
  I am karma
  And I, I, I
  I'm a bitch

 

Evil
Evil wins
Evil wins when the good....

 

....do nothing

 

Evil wins when the good do nothing
Breeds like roaches when no justice coming
Evil wins when the good do nothing
Breeds like roaches when no justice coming

 

So.... I'll be karma
And.... I'm a bitch

 

  I, I, I
  I am karma
  I, I, I
  I am karma

 

  and I, I, I
  I'm a bitch!!

 

I'm a bitch / I am karma
I'm a bitch / I am karma
I'm a bitch / I am karma
I'm a bitch / I am karma
I'M A BITCH!!

 

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Patty Lakamp    41

I saw the "Explicit" warning, so I was prepared to be put off by this lyric.  Not so.  It came off to me as a self-satisfying "Gotcha!"  I think we all know people who seem to always get away with bad behavior, so this song would be one we'd sing with glee 'cause they're not getting away with it any more, starting today!

 

I like it, and with the right upbeat lyric, I think it's got an audience.

 

I don't know Static-X, but as long as the music fits the message of the song, it works for me.

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scotsman89    335

Vara 

just watched static-x .on you tube

don't know how this would work with that energy  they give off .  but if you have music then it maybe Awesome  

 

they say you're someone else's problem

 

but now you're all mine

all mine

all mine    mine     mine   mine

good times

 

john

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Vara La Fey    37

Thx for the reviews.  :-)

 

Patty - I'm glad it made sense.

 

I label them as "explicit" because one of the admins here or at the other site I'm on asks that. I have no problems doing that whatsoever. It's the least we can do, as they are providing very fine sites here with no censorship. On the day when I post "Problem With Authority", watch for the explicit warning on that one. Seriously.  :-)   And L.I.A.P.I.T.A. too. OMG!! But anyway, the vast majority of my stuff isn't explicit, and I never write cuss words or any other words merely for the sake of doing it. That would just be a writing failure, cuss words or not.

 

Backstory: Karma is the one that led to me being booted off that Evil Censorship Site I told you about. Their system auto-nannied "I'm a bitch" into "I'm a XXXXX". Most people would read that as "bitch" anyway, so no harm done there. But what about those who wouldn't? "I'm a bitch" is a double-entendre, considering it was written by a t-girl, and will be sung by one. "I'm a <anything else>" is not a double-entendre, and would destroy my hook. So I complained. Blah blah. <Delete>. GRRR!! <Mumble grumble>. Hmmm. <Witchy laugh>. Radio Free World.

 

scotsman89 - I like "good times". I might steal it. Thx!!  Like a lot of us here, I write out the lyrics to match the currently intended basic arrangement. There could be repeats of "mine" like you suggest. I dunno. I won't have the detailed arrangement until I write the bloody thing. But I'm getting into strategic repetition these days, so it's something I'll think about. Thx again.  :-)

 

 

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snabbu    437

Hi

I'm not familiar with the style reference. So take my comments in that context.

 

Unless you are twisting a cliche like Jim  Steinman (You took the words right out of my mouth must have been while you were kissing me.) it is better to steer clear of them, because they sound old and tired. 

 

If you look at the opening

"What comes around goes around"

"You reap what you sow"

 

This at the head of the song is a problem I can feel my eyes glaze over and I've lost interest after two lines. 

 

When I look at the structure of the lyric it is very good, except for one spot where I have reservations.

The structure is a very stable verse rhyming couplets AA rhyme scheme, perfect rhymes. Given the instability of the subject matter when this is sung contrasted agains the unstable chorus. The verses should come across as a statement of facts, the chorus as the emotional result of those facts. This acts as additional glue stitching verse and chorus together. 

 

The reservation I have : You have created a highlight in the verse, by setting up an expectation then dashing it. This happens at line six of each verse. We are led to expect two even lines ending in a perfect rhyme. In the third couplet you add a tag line. The fact that it is there is good technique, that it rhymes with nothing is also good, its all about contrast. My issue is Having set up this massive point of emphasis you use it to say "Didn'tcha!!" and "Nuh uh!!" and I feel they are not strong statements, what is needed there is a word that sums up what the verse is saying. Its going to draw heavy attention and you need to be saying something strong there. So technique all fine but what's there in that spot is leaning on it's shovel. 

 

The bridge is fine it adds to the story. It's interesting how you have used a variation to the chorus after it, and I think that works.

 

The extro (outro) is an economical edit of the chorus so that all flows along well.

 

Overall it's OK and shows good technique. The only two issues being cliches and wasting the highlight spot.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

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Vara La Fey    37

Hi snabbu, and thanks for the details.

 

I always skewer cliches except for here, where I was quoting them so I could hopefully destroy the idea behind them. But I see why that's not entirely clear, so thanks for the good catch!! I'd love to have a stronger opening anyway. More sarcastic. And/or more brutal.

 

I have full vox melodies for this, and my little "didn'tcha" is scolding sarcasm. It's gonna be a highlight. But you're right that "nuh uh" is just weak.

 

There's some chance I will have to eliminate both of them, since I think the currently intended musical interludes between the verses and the "....someone else's problem" refrains is creating a pacing issue. I might slam them together without the interludes, and convert "didn'tcha" to "aren'tcha!!", which would then replace "too much fun" (which is another weak spot) after the "mine all mine" bit in the 2nd prechorus. ("Nuh uh" would be gone for good. Yay that.) Then the "....problem" lines would have to go to the backing vox to allow for a slight timing overlap. Well, now I'm just thinking aloud.... Anyway, thanks!!

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snabbu    437

When I read the lyric where the weak "nah uh" is  What comes in to my head is not printable. But its to do with sex and travel.

"so f/o"

A more radio friendly solute is "So get lost"  which I think sums up what you are saying in that verse. I like to encapsulate the ducks guts of the verse in two or three words and put that in the highlight spot. To me that then becomes a ancillary progressive hook. 

I would be keeping the high lights and loosing the interludes. 

 

I think heavy dripping sarcasm in the two opening lines would be a good set up.

 

Arn't cha sings better than didn't cha.

 

So all is good just fix the two lines at the head.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

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Vara La Fey    37

Sex and travel. LOL!! That's like when I used to sanitize a common black-culture phrase into "feces, Oedipus".

 

Anyway, the "didn'tcha" and "nuh uh" are def going their various ways like I said last time, so there won't be sex-and-travel or any other little tag-ons at the end of the verses. ("Get lost" would contradict the lyric anyhow, as the lyric is about not letting the miscreants get away.)

 

Those 2 opening lines are gonna be difficult, as I really have to set up those "karma" bromides before I burn them down. But you're right that I gotta do something. I'm not very strong on opening lines anyway, so I need the practice.

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snabbu    437
On 26/05/2017 at 9:10 PM, Vara La Fey said:

Sex and travel. LOL!! That's like when I used to sanitize a common black-culture phrase into "feces, Oedipus".

 

Anyway, the "didn'tcha" and "nuh uh" are def going their various ways like I said last time, so there won't be sex-and-travel or any other little tag-ons at the end of the verses. ("Get lost" would contradict the lyric anyhow, as the lyric is about not letting the miscreants get away.)

 

Those 2 opening lines are gonna be difficult, as I really have to set up those "karma" bromides before I burn them down. But you're right that I gotta do something. I'm not very strong on opening lines anyway, so I need the practice.

Ha Oedipus 

 

You can't go past country music writers for opening lines. They call it the set up I think. Where they set a whole scene up in only two lines. Some of them are pretty good at it. Me and Bobby Magee, The Gambler. 

 

Cheers

 

Gary 

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Vara La Fey    37

I don't like 99% of country music, but credit where due, on average they write the best lyrics of any genre I know.

 

I worked with Karma last night, just the few little tweaks I mentioned I'd get to. Any better?

 

(© 2016, 2017 Vara La Fey)
I AM KARMA

 

Karma's gonna get you, so the story goes
Some magic day you'll reap what you sow
Pretty words to avoid the problem
Pretty words to avoid the problem

 

Last time you pulled the shit you pulled today
they got all about karma and you got away
They made you someone else's problem
They made you someone else's problem

 

And now you're mine
Mine all mine
Arent'cha!!

 

  I, I, I - I am karma
  And I, I, I - I'm a bitch

 

Yeah the past said you'd get your due somehow
so you darken my door in the here and now
You're always someone else's problem
You're always someone else's problem

 

But your free ride stops at me today
and the future doesn't want you anyway
You're not someone else's problem
You're not someone else's problem

 

Because you're mine
Mine all mine
Ooooh baby

 

  I, I, I - I am karma
  And I, I, I - I'm a bitch

 

Evil
Evil wins
Evil wins when the good....

 

....do nothing

 

Evil wins when the good do nothing
Breeds like rats when no justice coming
Evil wins when the good do nothing
Breeds like rats when no justice coming

 

So.... I'll be karma
And.... I'm a bitch

 

  I, I, I - I am karma
  I, I, I - I am karma

 

  and I, I, I - I'm a bitch!!

 

I'm a bitch / I am karma
I'm a bitch / I am karma
I'm a bitch / I am karma
I'm a bitch / I am karma
I'M A BITCH!!

 

 

Still not wild about that damned opening line. Maybe on "some magic day" I'll think of the right thing.  :-\

 

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snabbu    437

I'm not convinced by the opening  it's half john Lennon and so the story goes. 

It needs to be caustic acerbic cutting. 

Like Lennon's " your teeth are clean but your mind is capped and you leave your smell like an alley cat" 

so more nasty please.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

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Vara La Fey    37

Agreed. I just haven't found the right way to set up the situation without continuing to quote the damned cliches. Grrr.... Someday it'll hit me.

 

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snabbu    437

laundry list time! 

Write a brief paragraph as to what the song is about.

Then write a list of words that explain that paragraph.

Or you could be slack like me and write one word to describe the paragraph the go to rhyme zone and search synonyms. :lol:

 

Then write the two lines.

 

Onward and upward.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

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snabbu    437

Is the paragraph something like.

 

(This guy is a bit of a looser

he never finishes anything and if things get sticky he runs.

But this time he's trapped by .....Kama)

If so the word list is

Trapped

ensnared

entwined

caught 

etc.

Inconsistant 

failure

'looser

unfocused 

etc.

Too hard

difficult

meaningful

when the rubber meats the road

etc

escape

abandon

leave

run away 

etc

 

Cheers

 

Gary

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Patty Lakamp    41

What if you started the song with your second verse? It has the shock factor, the anger, and the hint of retribution coming:

20 hours ago, Vara La Fey said:

Last time you pulled the shit you pulled today
they got all about karma and you got away
They made you someone else's problem
They made you someone else's problem

 

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Vara La Fey    37

Gary, thanks, but people don't say "you'll reap what you sow" about underachievers and quitters. They say it - at least here in the States - about people who wrong other people. "Oh well, karma will get him". No, making him someone else's problem won't get him. Karma is a pile of mystical crap. So I'll become karma and get him myself. It's based on my real life: hearing those damned cliches all the time, and then the thief who stole my backpack. I searched, but couldn't find him, and he can thank his gods for that. But it gave me a lyric. I was writing it in my head as I searched. Your exercise is good if you're not certain what your lyric is really about (I posted one like that on here months ago), but I'm very clear on Karma. My problem is tactical.

 

Patty, you might have just solved my tactical problem. It's something to think about. Thx!!

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MikeRobinson    146

I also like the idea of cutting the first verse – and, "lose the rats, completely."  (Save 'em for another song.)

 

That word – karma – just feels like it's the wrong word.  For one thing, it's not a word I use every day.  I really don't know exactly what it means, but it sort of makes me think "Summer of Love," which is not the angry, biting sentiment you want here.

 

I do think that the lyric should be clean.  Don't "f/o" as previously suggested.  Angry, spiteful, aggressive, but clean.

 

"I'm a bitch" – got that part.  "But, who are you?"  Yeah, someone who is used to having other people say that it's someone else's problem.  (I like the way that this statement changes throughout the song, becoming more direct.)  Is she a femme fatale?  Is she the best bitch he's ever going to have, the best bitch he's ever going to get?  Sometimes a bitch is absolutely irresistible.

 

The best "bitch song" I've heard yet is a country-esque song:  "I'm a bitch / I'm a mother / I'm a child / I'm a lover ... and (you/I) wouldn't have it any other way."  But this could well be a far better one, because of the musical style that you have in mind.

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Vara La Fey    37

Mike, I thought everyone knew what "karma" is supposed to be. It's a mystic (Hindu or Buddhist, I forget) pseudo-idea that people will be magically rewarded or punished - by fate or by other people - according to whether they do good or evil. The way we Americans (and prolly others) use it is that you either "put out good karma" or you "put out bad karma". So when someone does something bad - "the last time you pulled the shit you pulled today", as the song says - people don't usually pursue justice or even vengeance, they simply shrug and say, "well, karma will get that person".

 

The lyric should make more sense now.

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Ray888    159
1 hour ago, Vara La Fey said:

Mike, I thought everyone knew what "karma" is supposed to be. It's a mystic (Hindu or Buddhist, I forget) pseudo-idea that people will be magically rewarded or punished - by fate or by other people - according to whether they do good or evil. The way we Americans (and prolly others) use it is that you either "put out good karma" or you "put out bad karma". So when someone does something bad - "the last time you pulled the shit you pulled today", as the song says - people don't usually pursue justice or even vengeance, they simply shrug and say, "well, karma will get that person".

 

The lyric should make more sense now.

Sometimes when you get stuck in a rut with a lyric it helps to take a different approach. Here's a lyric that is all about Karma without having to mention the word.

 

Ricochets Lyric by Raymond Fry and John O'Brien

 

 

Verse1                 You loaded lies like you loaded a gun

                           Pulled hard on the trigger shot down my love

                           Dried my tears cast a shield for my heart

                           Of Kevlar and steel

                           I warned you bullets can kill

 

Pre-chorus          Since I left you

                           You still want me

                           It's your turn to cry

 

Chorus                Can’t you see all those ricochets?

                           Are bouncing off me and tearing through you

                           Cause every hurt that you fired at me

                           Is piercing your heart

                           With lie ricochets

                          

Verse 2                Guilty eyes show that you've been untrue

                           Left half of me reeling half of me used

                           Baby I guess your licking your wounds

                           Since love has turned to ice

                           And I've left you frozen in time

 

Pre-chorus          And you'll miss me

                           Now loves sorrows

                           Have rained from your eyes

 

Chorus                Can’t you see all those ricochets?

                           Are bouncing off me and tearing through you  

                           Cause every hurt that you fired at me

                           Is piercing your heart

                           It's bleeding

                           From lie ricochets

 

Bridge                 You will find there's a hole in your life

                           While your alone tonight

                           You'll lay there in the darkness

                           And know my love has died

                           Cause you can’t find a single reason why

                           You let those bullets fly

 

Chorus               Can’t you see all those ricochets?

                          Are bouncing off me and tearing through you  

                          Cause every hurt that you fired at me

                          Is piercing your heart

                          It's bleeding

                          From lie ricochets

 

© copyright worldwide Raymond Fry and John O'brien 2014 all rights reserved

Registration ID: 164962

 
 

 

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Patty Lakamp    41
On 5/30/2017 at 0:12 AM, Vara La Fey said:

I, I, I - I am karma

Until you specified it in the comments, I didn't realize the singer was a real person; I thought you were personifying "Karma."  And that this Karma was announcing it was going to get this guy.  It may not make a difference, but since your thought is that Karma is a real person stepping in for Karma, maybe it would help to have a line in there like "I don't want to wait for Karma, and I am  Karma now"    Or I'm your Karma and I'm here now. Or What goes around comes around and I'm coming for you.

 

Not those words but that idea.

Edited by Patty Lakamp

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MikeRobinson    146

Agreed ... "no, Vara, I didn't know that."  Therefore, I was quite unable to understand your song.  Hence, "karma is a word that you just can't use."  It does not have "a universal, consistent, and instantly-understood meaning."

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Vara La Fey    37

Patty, I wondered if that would be clear. That's why even in my originalest original version I put in:

 

  So.... I'll be karma
  And.... I'm a bitch   <I gotta do that trans-girl double entendre thing, ya know>

 

I'll try to make it more clear, because the protagonist being a real person is the whole reason the lyric was worth writing. Everything in it is based on that. I'll see what I can do tonight.

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Vara La Fey    37
10 hours ago, MikeRobinson said:

Agreed ... "no, Vara, I didn't know that."  Therefore, I was quite unable to understand your song.  Hence, "karma is a word that you just can't use."  It does not have "a universal, consistent, and instantly-understood meaning."

 

Thanks for taking the time to review the lyric. It most certainly does have a basic meaning for most people, and I'm keeping it. There are other actual glitches that I need to fix.

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Vara La Fey    37
20 hours ago, Ray888 said:

Sometimes when you get stuck in a rut with a lyric it helps to take a different approach. Here's a lyric that is all about Karma without having to mention the word.

 
   

 

 

Thanks Ray. I'm not in a rut with the lyric, but I am with the intro lines. And I guess it wasn't clear that the singer is a real person, not a mystical manifestation of karma itself. Hmm. Prolly oughta fix that....

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Ray888    159
2 hours ago, Vara La Fey said:

Thanks Ray. I'm not in a rut with the lyric, but I am with the intro lines. And I guess it wasn't clear that the singer is a real person, not a mystical manifestation of karma itself. Hmm. Prolly oughta fix that....

I actually got that it was a real person although the listening public may have struggled understanding it. If you are a lyricist asking for help then believe me "you are in a rut" otherwise why ask for help? The word Karma is a cliche because it was used by Boy George in `Karma Chameleon` so I was trying to explain that you could write the song in a different way and make it stronger without mentioning the word Karma.

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Vara La Fey    37
22 minutes ago, Ray888 said:

I actually got that it was a real person although the listening public may have struggled understanding it. If you are a lyricist asking for help then believe me "you are in a rut" otherwise why ask for help? The word Karma is a cliche because it was used by Boy George in `Karma Chameleon` so I was trying to explain that you could write the song in a different way and make it stronger without mentioning the word Karma.

Removing the word "karma" from my lyric would not make it stronger, it would 100% cripple it. Yes, 100%. Your song doesn't even begin to address the subject from the same perspective that mine does - they're extremely different. I wasn't asking for help, since I write my own stuff - I was asking for reviews, which can be helpful. A cliche is something that is used so often it becomes tiresome, so the word "karma" being used in 1 song 33 years ago does not make it a cliche. I said I was in a rut with the opening verse, and I certainly was. Here is the new one along with the mostly-unchanged V2 just for context:

 

I never go mystic when shit goes down
never count on magic justice coming 'round
Magic don't solve the problem
Magic don't solve the problem

 

So last time you did the shit you did today
They got all about karma and you got away
They made you someone else's problem
They made you someone else's problem

 

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Ray888    159
4 minutes ago, Vara La Fey said:

Removing the word "karma" from my lyric would not make it stronger, it would 100% cripple it. Yes, 100%. Your song doesn't even begin to address the subject from the same perspective that mine does - they're extremely different. I wasn't asking for help, since I write my own stuff - I was asking for reviews, which can be helpful. A cliche is something that is used so often it becomes tiresome, so the word "karma" being used in 1 song 33 years ago does not make it a cliche. I said I was in a rut with the opening verse, and I certainly was. Here is the new one along with the mostly-unchanged V2 just for context:

 

I never go mystic when shit goes down
never count on magic justice coming 'round
Magic don't solve the problem
Magic don't solve the problem

 

So last time you did the shit you did today
They got all about karma and you got away
They made you someone else's problem
They made you someone else's problem

 

Sorry to ruffle your feathers, no offence meant. Actually it is cliched and here are just a few examples. Google Karma songs and you will find a lot more. http://rateyourmusic.com/board_message/message_id_is_121344

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Vara La Fey    37

Well, now you're making sense - I wish you'd cited those at the start. (I'd only heard of 1 other of them - but that's just me.) I doubt any of them take the angle that I do, which is rejecting the very idea of karma, and stepping up to take its place. Which is why removing the word would destroy my lyric: you have to name what you're stepping up to replace.

 

Karma being such a horrible cliche in general conversation is why I originally started the lyric off by repeating the 2 worst of them, so I could proceed to burn them down. I kept hearing them around me and I couldn't take it anymore. Then someone here said, "those are cliched lines". True. I hope the new ones are more unique.

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Ray888    159
1 hour ago, Vara La Fey said:

Well, now you're making sense - I wish you'd cited those at the start. (I'd only heard of 1 other of them - but that's just me.) I doubt any of them take the angle that I do, which is rejecting the very idea of karma, and stepping up to take its place. Which is why removing the word would destroy my lyric: you have to name what you're stepping up to replace.

 

Karma being such a horrible cliche in general conversation is why I originally started the lyric off by repeating the 2 worst of them, so I could proceed to burn them down. I kept hearing them around me and I couldn't take it anymore. Then someone here said, "those are cliched lines". True. I hope the new ones are more unique.

True, I could have given you some links but being ancient at 67 my brain doesn't always function as well as it did when I was younger lol. Good luck with your lyric and I wish you all the best in your endeavours.

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Patty Lakamp    41

Vara,

You're right, your original lyric DID say "I'll be Karma."  I just missed it. Sorry.

 

I like your new opening verse, especially the "magic justice" phrase.

 

Patty

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