Max spb

Inside Your Game - Please help me to make sure it;'s OK before I record it!

12 posts in this topic

Hello colleagues! You helped me before to pinpoint problems in my previous versions of the lyrics. After 6 revisions I think it is pretty close to the finish.
I wanted to do a very last check before recording it. Please let me know what you think of it. Any help or comments or suggestions will be much appreciated!

----------------------------------------------------------------

*** Inside Your Game ***

 

1st Verse:
Call me, just call me, tell me what you're up to
I'm so tired, tired of doing time, with no sign to hear you

2nd Verse:
Play me, you can play me, re-frame me inside your game
Stay with me, stay and lie to me, I'll never be the same 


1st Chorus:

I try again... to get to you when we're starting to play yeah we're starting to play
And though there was no one who won in this game I'm still gonna play the same 
I try again... thoughts are flying away with no sign of regret with no reason to stay
Want them to break free and get out, I don't care while you're still around 


3rd Verse:

Longer, days get longer, I'm longing to catch sight of you
It's stronger, gets much stronger, and wronger and past due


Bridge:

Out of my mind! Truth or lie? I have no clue.
Are you on my side or am I left behind? It's so uncertain. I can't get close to you 

 

2nd Chorus:

I try again... to get to you when we're starting to play yeah we're starting to play
I know there was no one who won in this game I'm still gonna play the same 
I try again... thoughts are flying away with no sign of regret with no reason to stay
Hoping to get to the firm ground.  Lost or found?
 

Ending:   
Are lonely nights here to stay? Will I be lost in this game?
Or should it turn around and we'll be heading to another round
Forever seasons changing one another and I'm sure that day will come
The day when I hear steps behind my door
 

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Hi, Max,

 

Some comments on your lyrics:  I'm being very picky, so please take this in the right spirit.

 

V1L2: I'm so tired, tired of doing time, with no sign to hear you

 

This line would be clearer.  "tired of doing time" suggests to me that you're in prison?  If that's not what you mean, then maybe "wasting time" or "spending time"  or "waiting" would be more what you mean. Something along that line.  If you mean you're in prison, then that works, and we're onto the next part of the line:

 

 "with no sign to hear you" doesn't mean anything to me.  Do you mean "no sign from you?" "I haven't heard from you?"  I just don't get the "with no sign to hear you." (See?  I told you I was being picky.)

 

2nd verse:

Not sure what "inside your game" is. Do you mean her perspective?  Her world view? "Game" has a rather negative connotation to me in that it suggests the relationship isn't authentic...it's make-believe.  Is that what you mean?  She's playing with you, not taking you seriously?

 

And what about "I'll never be the same"?

Do you mean if she stays, you'll be glad, and it will transform you and you won't be the same as you were before?  Or what?  It feels a little like you're just throwing in a word to rhyme for "game," rather than really trying to communicate something.

 

3rd verse:

"wronger"?  Ouch!

 

Last line:  That day when I hear steps behind my door.  Again, a nitpick.  I think of BEHIND the door, as the person on the inside of the house, and a person AT the door is the one outside.  So it didn't sound quite right to "hear steps behind my door."

 

 

 

If this is too detailed a critique, I apologize.  I just think  the best lyrics are those that really communicate a feeling/thought, and each word really matters.  I hope that's what you meant, too.

 

 

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Posted (edited)

("Takin' a big chance here now ..." Please hear me ... hear me out ...)

 

To me, your present lyric "has a whole bunch of couplets, all of them scrupulously or not-so-scrupulously rhymed," ...

 

... "from one(!) person's point of view."  (Basically, so far, "the 'hungry fisherman,' casting again and again and again into the same fish-free pool. Yawn... guess that means chicken for dinner tonight.)

 

No story there!

 

"Please: 'tell me a story.'"  Create tension.  Create stakes.  At least present both sides of your chosen conflict, thus creating "story-tension" between "his" view and "hers."

Edited by MikeRobinson
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To  Patty Lakamp and Mike Robinson 

Thank you both for giving me your honest feedback. Patty you were more detailed and explanatory and Mike was just straightforward in telling me this is not good.


I really appreciate your critique! Will work on it.




 



 

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On 5/15/2017 at 2:19 PM, Patty Lakamp said:

Hi, Max,

 

Some comments on your lyrics:  I'm being very picky, so please take this in the right spirit.

 

V1L2: I'm so tired, tired of doing time, with no sign to hear you

 

This line would be clearer.  "tired of doing time" suggests to me that you're in prison?  If that's not what you mean, then maybe "wasting time" or "spending time"  or "waiting" would be more what you mean. Something along that line.  If you mean you're in prison, then that works, and we're onto the next part of the line:

 

 "with no sign to hear you" doesn't mean anything to me.  Do you mean "no sign from you?" "I haven't heard from you?"  I just don't get the "with no sign to hear you." (See?  I told you I was being picky.)

 

2nd verse:

Not sure what "inside your game" is. Do you mean her perspective?  Her world view? "Game" has a rather negative connotation to me in that it suggests the relationship isn't authentic...it's make-believe.  Is that what you mean?  She's playing with you, not taking you seriously?

 

And what about "I'll never be the same"?

Do you mean if she stays, you'll be glad, and it will transform you and you won't be the same as you were before?  Or what?  It feels a little like you're just throwing in a word to rhyme for "game," rather than really trying to communicate something.

 

3rd verse:

"wronger"?  Ouch!

 

Last line:  That day when I hear steps behind my door.  Again, a nitpick.  I think of BEHIND the door, as the person on the inside of the house, and a person AT the door is the one outside.  So it didn't sound quite right to "hear steps behind my door."

 

 

 

If this is too detailed a critique, I apologize.  I just think  the best lyrics are those that really communicate a feeling/thought, and each word really matters.  I hope that's what you meant, too.

 

 

Hello Patty,
I wanted to thank you one more time for your review - you were more than helpful!!! I fixed the parts that you kindly detected as bad ones. English is my 2nd language that is why some thing that I translate from my native language to English do not make any sense to you.

This is a story about someone that agrees to be a part of a girl's gaming just for a chance to be with her. It's a very common Neurotic Romantic Attraction. As I know many many people experience that kind of relationship...

I fixed the parts that you pinpointed except for those that I strongly want to keep. "Wronger" - I know it is a made word but I really love it. I want to keep it! "Doing time" - John Lennon and some other songwriters I admire use that construction as "waiting for something" as if they were in jail. I intentionally used it, but replaced it with watching time - please see if that works better.  Please let me know what you think of this edit:
=======================================
 

*** Inside Your Game ***

 

Call me, just call me, tell me what you're up to

I'm so tired, tired of watching time, with no sign from you

Play me, you can play me, reframe me inside your game

Lie to me, lie but stay with me, I'll never complain

 

I try again... to get to you when you starting to play, you're starting to play

And though there was no one who won in this game I'm still gonna play the same

I try again... thoughts are flying away with no sign of regret with no reason to stay

Want them to break free and get out, I don't care while you're still around

 

Longer, days get longer, I'm longing to catch sight of you

It's stronger, gets much stronger, and wronger and past due

 

Out of my mind! Truth or lie? I have no clue.

Are you on my side or am I left behind? It's so uncertain. I can't get close to you

 

I try again... to get to you when you starting to play, you're starting to play

I know there was no one who won in this game I'm still gonna play the same

I try again... thoughts are flying away with no sign of regret with no reason to stay

Hoping to get to the firm ground.  Lost or found?

    

Are lonely nights here to stay? Will I be lost in this game?

Or should it turn around and we'll be heading to another round

Forever seasons changing one another and I'm sure that day will come

The day when I hear footsteps at my door

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Max,

 

Much, much better!  In fact, it's pretty amazing that you can write lyrics in a language that isn't your native language.  I'm impressed.  I couldn't do it! There are so many ways to get tripped up, and I admire you for your efforts.

 

Perhaps you can take another look at this verse:

 

Are lonely nights here to stay? Will I be lost in this game?

Or should it turn around and we'll be heading to another round

Forever seasons changing one another and I'm sure that day will come

The day when I hear footsteps at my door

 

1st line:  OK

2nd line: mixed up tenses.  Would this work: 

Or will it turn around and we'll be heading to another round?

3rd line:  forever seasons changing one another ...

do you mean seasons are forever changing?  seasons change but they don't change one another.  OR, do you mean the seasons are forever changing you and the girl? ("One another"). It isn't clear to me.

4th line: Yes! that's how you say it!

 

 

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43 minutes ago, Patty Lakamp said:

Max,

 

Much, much better!  In fact, it's pretty amazing that you can write lyrics in a language that isn't your native language.  I'm impressed.  I couldn't do it! There are so many ways to get tripped up, and I admire you for your efforts.

 

Perhaps you can take another look at this verse:

 

Are lonely nights here to stay? Will I be lost in this game?

Or should it turn around and we'll be heading to another round

Forever seasons changing one another and I'm sure that day will come

The day when I hear footsteps at my door

 

1st line:  OK

2nd line: mixed up tenses.  Would this work: 

Or will it turn around and we'll be heading to another round?

3rd line:  forever seasons changing one another ...

do you mean seasons are forever changing?  seasons change but they don't change one another.  OR, do you mean the seasons are forever changing you and the girl? ("One another"). It isn't clear to me.

4th line: Yes! that's how you say it!

 

 

Patty,
Thanks a lot for the kind words. Unfortunately it is very hard to write properly as I started learning English when I was way too old for knowing the usage of the things like articles, prepositions or tenses by heart. I can sit in front of a sentence and try to figure out for very long time on what article to use and if I should use it at all. Then I ask someone who grew up in an English spoken country and they do not hesitate a second to come up with a proper word. :)))

The correction on the 2nd line works just fine. As of the 3rd line -  "seasons are forever changing" is (as I understand) the proper way to say what I wanted to say. I will need to think now on how to redo the ending block properly.

Thank you again for your help! You are great! )))

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20 hours ago, Patty Lakamp said:

Max,

 

Much, much better!  In fact, it's pretty amazing that you can write lyrics in a language that isn't your native language.  I'm impressed.  I couldn't do it! There are so many ways to get tripped up, and I admire you for your efforts.

 

Perhaps you can take another look at this verse:

 

Are lonely nights here to stay? Will I be lost in this game?

Or should it turn around and we'll be heading to another round

Forever seasons changing one another and I'm sure that day will come

The day when I hear footsteps at my door

 

1st line:  OK

2nd line: mixed up tenses.  Would this work: 

Or will it turn around and we'll be heading to another round?

3rd line:  forever seasons changing one another ...

do you mean seasons are forever changing?  seasons change but they don't change one another.  OR, do you mean the seasons are forever changing you and the girl? ("One another"). It isn't clear to me.

4th line: Yes! that's how you say it!

 

 

Hello Patty,
I created the following that I could sing with my melody:
 

Are lonely nights here to stay? Will I be lost in this game?

Or will it turn around and we'll be heading to another round

Forever  seasons are changing and I know it

I know that a day will come, the day when I hear footsteps at my door

Also, I just realized why I used "Or should it turn around" in the 2nd line. I have three "wills" in 2 sentences! Do you think I can use "shall" instead of should? I know shall is more of a British English. May be I can use some other word there? What do you think?

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Max, 

 

I think in this example, "will"  is the right word in both lines.

 

See what other people say, but that would be my suggestion.

 

Good luck.

 

Patty

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1 hour ago, Patty Lakamp said:

 

1 hour ago, Patty Lakamp said:

 

1 hour ago, Patty Lakamp said:

 

23 hours ago, Patty Lakamp said:
1 hour ago, Patty Lakamp said:

Max, 

 

I think in this example, "will"  is the right word in both lines.

 

See what other people say, but that would be my suggestion.

 

Good luck.

 

Patty

Patty thank you very much for your help. You did approve the 3rd line correction so I can now record it, OK?

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 Max,

 

I'm happy to help if I can.  Remember, though--it's YOUR song, so you are the one that approves everything in it.  You have to decide when your song is ready to record or not; nobody else can do that for you. I say, if you like it, go ahead.  If you're not sure, wait until you are.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Patty

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Patty, I just wanted to make sure that the 3rd line is correct now. But if you say it is OK. I am fine with it too. )

 

Thanks again for helping me fixing the wrong grammar and for wishing me good luck!!! I am not a big expert obviously but if I can be  helpful in a way in reading any of your lyrics let me know I'll do my best and provide my honest ESL person opinion! )

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