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Summer Days    13

(Verse)

I felt change, I saw in you/

noticed things, I never knew/

You played games, I played the fool

always changing, all the rules/

(Music)

I shook, I shivered to the words "we're through"/

All those years, I was there for you/

(Music)

So I burrowed MY, self in the ground/

Can't believe,  I allowed,

to burrow MY, self in the ground/ 

(Do I need another verse here?)

(Change of music)

from this day forward, I'll make a vow/

I will not bend, I will not bow/

I'll rise up, like the Phoenix now

(Chorus)

and like the Phoenix 

I burst in flame

turned to ash

I've rose again/

Like the Phoenix

I'm not gone

Arise from ash

I will be strong/

Like the Phoenix

I'll fly again

my broken wing

I know will mend/

Like the Phoenix

Like the Phoenix

(V)

(This part is very hard to omit)

I must give some thought on it first)

(All hot cinders now turn to ash

I cash in love for the hate I have

boiling rage, from days gone bad

Sorrow plays on love we had) 

 

(V)

Yeah I know you have to die

from burning fires held deep inside

rise from ash, regain life

but I'll mend, deep  inside

(Chorus)

and like the Phoenix

I will fly

arise from ash

I will get by

Like the Phoenix

Like the Phoenix

I'm the Phoenix

I will fly

rise from death

I'll be fine

I'm the Phoenix

I'll get by

(Bridge)

I can still feel, all that pain

my head hung low, from all the shame

through ashes glow, the fires simmer

it drapes my soul, then I surrender

(Chorus)

And like the Phoenix

I burst in flame

I turn to ash

I've risen again

Yeah I'm Phoenix

I burst in flame

I turn to ash

reborn again

Like the Phoenix

Like the Phoenix

 

( OK don't be too hard on me, cause I'm pretty proud of this one lol, but please do comment, cause I love strong songs, and I want this one perfect, so one day I can hear it recorded as song.) ( question, I was playing around with the idea in mind, bridge having robotic sound? What you all think? ) comment, I did caps on some words purposely, to emphasize during singing. Wanted to use " rose instead of risen".  But that would not work under circumstances. On verse, " can't believe, I allowed", I'm wanting to change it to " can't believe That, I allowed"; what do you think? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Summer Days
Need to add genre, more hard core than pop, so needs to be pop/ rock.

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Patty Lakamp    41

 Summer Days,

 

It's so wonderful that you care enough about your lyrics to want them to be perfect!

 

I think you've got a great start to a powerful song here. This draft is a very good beginning and there are some heartfelt emotions here that you have expressed well.

My comments are meant to pick up on the fine work you've done so far, and are mostly technical nits. Your questions were specific, so I'm hoping you will be open to some specific comments. Such things as paying more attention to verb tenses and point-of-view.

 

I'd suggest you reread everything and make sure the verb tenses are exactly the ones you want. There's a lot of motion between past-present-future and whatever we call the "would haves" tense, and that's fine, if it suits your message. But I think it could be more compact if you reconsidered some of them. Also, I think it would be stronger if it were all written in the same "person."  You have mostly "I's" and then some "you's" ("Sometimes you have to die") and even a "She."  

 

(Verse)

I noted change, I saw in you/

You quoted things, I never knew/

I shook, I shivered to the words "we're through"/

All those years, I was there for you/ <--Love this line!

So I burrowed MY, self in the ground/

Can't believe,  I allowed,

to burrow MY, self in the ground/  <--Good emphasis on this feeling

from this day forward, I made a vow/  I'll make a vow/I'll rise up like the Phoenix now? It would be better if the verb tenses (whichever ones you choose) were the same here

I'd rise up, like the Phoenix now

(Chorus)

and like the Phoenix 

I burst in flame

turned to ash

I've risen again/ <--is this where you said you'd like to use "I rose"? I agree with you that it would be better. Both past tense.

Like the Phoenix

I'm not gone

Arise from ash

I will be strong/ <--This verb tense is empowering

Like the Phoenix

I'll fly again

(broken heart? (Or) broken wing?) Which sounds best?<--I like "wing"

I know will mend/

Like the Phoenix

Like the Phoenix

(V)--Not sure this verse adds anything

All hot cinders now turn to ash

I cash in love for the hate I have

boiling rage, from days gone bad

Sorrow plays on love we had

(V)

Yeah sometimes you have to die 

from burning fires held deep inside

rise from ash, regain life

you mend, broken hearts revive ---Plural?

(Chorus)

and like the Phoenix

You will fly--Why switch from "I" to "you?" Maybe rework the verse above to stay with 1st person, too.  (I had to die...)

arise from ash

you will get by

Like the Phoenix

Like the Phoenix

Yeah this Phoenix

She will fly--Another switch to 2nd person.  Maybe stay with 1st person all the way through?

rise from death

I'll be fine

right after 

all these 

tears I cry <--rhyme feels a bit forced, not in the same feel as the rest of the lyric

I'm the Phoenix

I'll get by

(Bridge)  <--You asked about making this a robotic sound.  I have no expertise in that.  I can only ask "Does it suit the song/message?"

All that pain I still remember

the cost of shame my blood ran thinner

that fury flame turned warming cinder<--might be hard to sing.  It's a little hard to understand.  Can you say it differently?

clothed my soul as I surrendered

(Chorus)

And like the Phoenix

I burst in flame

I turned to ash

I've risen again

Yeah I'm Phoenix

I burst in flame

I turned to ash

reborn again

Like the Phoenix

Like the Phoenix

 

 

Now, a different kind of comment, not about structure.  

 

I noted change, I saw in you/

You quoted things, I never knew/

 

Of course you want your very first lines to be grabbers and the best you can make them.  I think these two lines aren't as good as you could make them.

Perhaps make them more conversational...how often do we really say, "i've noted change in you."  You might try something along the lines of "I felt you change" or ?  And I think "quoted" is there to rhyme with "noted," when what I think you're trying to express is "you said some things and I never realized you felt that way." "Quoted" doesn't fit with that message.  Unless I totally missed the boat and you mean that this person was quoting some philosopher you'd never heard before. 

 

So, that's my critique.  I hope it gives you some things to think about it.  I totally support you!

 

Patty

 

 

 

 

 

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Summer Days    13
10 minutes ago, Patty Lakamp said:

 Summer Days,

 

It's so wonderful that you care enough about your lyrics to want them to be perfect!

 

I think you've got a great start to a powerful song here. This draft is a very good beginning and there are some heartfelt emotions here that you have expressed well.

My comments are meant to pick up on the fine work you've done so far, and are mostly technical nits. Your questions were specific, so I'm hoping you will be open to some specific comments. Such things as paying more attention to verb tenses and point-of-view.

 

I'd suggest you reread everything and make sure the verb tenses are exactly the ones you want. There's a lot of motion between past-present-future and whatever we call the "would haves" tense, and that's fine, if it suits your message. But I think it could be more compact if you reconsidered some of them. Also, I think it would be stronger if it were all written in the same "person."  You have mostly "I's" and then some "you's" ("Sometimes you have to die") and even a "She."  

 

(Verse)

I noted change, I saw in you/

You quoted things, I never knew/

I shook, I shivered to the words "we're through"/

All those years, I was there for you/ <--Love this line!

So I burrowed MY, self in the ground/

Can't believe,  I allowed,

to burrow MY, self in the ground/  <--Good emphasis on this feeling

from this day forward, I made a vow/  I'll make a vow/I'll rise up like the Phoenix now? It would be better if the verb tenses (whichever ones you choose) were the same here

I'd rise up, like the Phoenix now

(Chorus)

and like the Phoenix 

I burst in flame

turned to ash

I've risen again/ <--is this where you said you'd like to use "I rose"? I agree with you that it would be better. Both past tense.

Like the Phoenix

I'm not gone

Arise from ash

I will be strong/ <--This verb tense is empowering

Like the Phoenix

I'll fly again

(broken heart? (Or) broken wing?) Which sounds best?<--I like "wing"

I know will mend/

Like the Phoenix

Like the Phoenix

(V)--Not sure this verse adds anything

All hot cinders now turn to ash

I cash in love for the hate I have

boiling rage, from days gone bad

Sorrow plays on love we had

(V)

Yeah sometimes you have to die 

from burning fires held deep inside

rise from ash, regain life

you mend, broken hearts revive ---Plural?

(Chorus)

and like the Phoenix

You will fly--Why switch from "I" to "you?" Maybe rework the verse above to stay with 1st person, too.  (I had to die...)

arise from ash

you will get by

Like the Phoenix

Like the Phoenix

Yeah this Phoenix

She will fly--Another switch to 2nd person.  Maybe stay with 1st person all the way through?

rise from death

I'll be fine

right after 

all these 

tears I cry <--rhyme feels a bit forced, not in the same feel as the rest of the lyric

I'm the Phoenix

I'll get by

(Bridge)  <--You asked about making this a robotic sound.  I have no expertise in that.  I can only ask "Does it suit the song/message?"

All that pain I still remember

the cost of shame my blood ran thinner

that fury flame turned warming cinder<--might be hard to sing.  It's a little hard to understand.  Can you say it differently?

clothed my soul as I surrendered

(Chorus)

And like the Phoenix

I burst in flame

I turned to ash

I've risen again

Yeah I'm Phoenix

I burst in flame

I turned to ash

reborn again

Like the Phoenix

Like the Phoenix

 

 

Now, a different kind of comment, not about structure.  

 

I noted change, I saw in you/

You quoted things, I never knew/

 

Of course you want your very first lines to be grabbers and the best you can make them.  I think these two lines aren't as good as you could make them.

Perhaps make them more conversational...how often do we really say, "i've noted change in you."  You might try something along the lines of "I felt you change" or ?  And I think "quoted" is there to rhyme with "noted," when what I think you're trying to express is "you said some things and I never realized you felt that way." "Quoted" doesn't fit with that message.  Unless I totally missed the boat and you mean that this person was quoting some philosopher you'd never heard before. 

 

So, that's my critique.  I hope it gives you some things to think about it.  I totally support you!

 

Patty

 

 

 

 

 

I changed I to you, hoping to involve the audience, and get more emotion, I also chose to change tense, in fear of making her still sound weak. If she still sound weak, did she truly burst into flames and rise again, making that change she claimed. So I was unsure what to do on that, but I see what you're saying. Thanks so much Patty for looking over my lyric. I'm starting a rewrite now. I'll repost this one after rewrite.

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scotsman89    335
On 2017-5-16 at 3:43 PM, Summer Days said:

 

(Verse)

I felt change, I saw in you/

noticed things, I never knew/

You played games, I played the fool

always changing, all the rules/

(Music)

I shook, I shivered to the words "we're through"/

All those years, I was there for you/                                think > all those times  I was there for you -  meaning you defended them not years as if you were just with them

(Music)

So I burrowed MY, self in the ground/

Can't believe,  I allowed,                                          can't believe  I've allowed

to burrow MY, self in the ground/                             letting you  push me all around

(Do I need another verse here?)                            

(Change of music)

from this day forward, I'll make a vow/

I will not bend, I will not bow/

I'll rise up, like the Phoenix now

(Chorus)

and like the Phoenix 

I burst in flame

turned to ash

I've rose again/                                                         and rise again

Like the Phoenix

I'm not gone

Arise from ash                                         cut this line    flows better    I'm not gone 

I will be strong/                                                                                    I'll be strong

Like the Phoenix

I'll fly again

my broken wing

I know will mend/

Like the Phoenix

Like the Phoenix

(V)

(This part is very hard to omit)

I must give some thought on it first)

(All hot cinders now turn to ash                                            the flame of love now turned to ash

I cash in love for the hate I have                                           let the wind blow away the hate I had

boiling rage, from days gone bad                                         the burning embers from days gone bad

Sorrow plays on love we had)                                              sorrow's all that's left from the love we had

 

(V)

Yeah I know you have to die

from burning fires held deep inside

rise from ash, regain life

but I'll mend, deep  inside

(Chorus)

and like the Phoenix

I will fly

arise from ash

I will get by

Like the Phoenix

Like the Phoenix

I'm the Phoenix

I will fly

rise from death

I'll be fine

I'm the Phoenix

I'll get by

(Bridge)

I can still feel, all that pain                                            I still feel all that pain

my head hung low, from all the shame                        head hung low to hide my shame

through ashes glow, the fires simmer                          agree with Patty this is a strange couple of lines and hard to get the tongue around 

it drapes my soul, then I surrender

 

just some thoughts 

 

john

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