7 posts in this topic

I've written some lyrics and actually had a melody come to me while writing them. Someone I met on Facebook liked it enough to put some music to it. Then he had a singer record it. (she sang it exactly the way I did, so I think it's a compliment.)

I'd like your opinion on it. I don't like critique with both barrels though, just the truth. Thanx

Here are the lyrics:

 

One good  girl

Has good boys

Raises them right

Workin through school

Shots fired

Wrong wrong

Taken

 

We hear sirens

Watch the news

Can’t believe

No tomorrow

We grieve

Gone gone

Taken

 

Taken too young

Her dreams are done

So many songs

 left unsung

tell me who won?

Won this damn war

Not like before

Riot back and forth

swing open the door

stop it don’t ignore

don’t ignore

Taken

Taken

 

Taken too young

Her dreams are done

So many songs

 left unsung

Taken

Taken

Taken 5-9-17.mp3

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Posted (edited)

49 minutes ago, Lisa Gates said:

I've written some lyrics and actually had a melody come to me while writing them. Someone I met on Facebook liked it enough to put some music to it. Then he had a singer record it. (she sang it exactly the way I did, so I think it's a compliment.)

I'd like your opinion on it. I don't like critique with both barrels though, just the truth. Thanx

Here are the lyrics:

 

One good  girl

Has good boys

Raises them right

Workin through school

Shots fired

Wrong wrong

Taken

 

We hear sirens

Watch the news

Can’t believe

No tomorrow

We grieve

Gone gone

Taken

 

 

 

Taken too young

Her dreams are done

So many songs

 left unsung

tell me who won?

Won this damn war

Not like before

Riot back and forth

swing open the door

stop it don’t ignore

don’t ignore

Taken

Taken

 

 

 

Taken too young

Her dreams are done

So many songs

 left unsung

Taken

Taken

Taken 5-9-17.mp3

Hey Lisa, I think the vocals and music were so perfect for the feel of the lyrics.  The tempo and timing fit nicely as well as the intonation and she has a bit of a smokey feel in her voice which lends well to the song.  There is an air of foreboding, even mournful apprehension maybe  The well timed echos near end are interesting, particularly at that stage of the song.  The only part that might be tweeked just a little, in my opinion, is the bridge.  Maybe just a slight variation in melody between "taken too young" and "left unsung".  It kinda  stays the same just a hare too long.  Other than that. Really great composition.  My listening was on an iPod without the use of earbuds--so just the iPod internal speakers.  I'm sure it would sound even better on my computer speakers or with earbuds.  

Edited by Pahchisme Plaid
Autocorrect error

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Hi PP! Hope you've been busy. Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it. I was hoping that the bridge would be more of a rap but I forgot to communicate that when they went to record it. I was hoping the singer would let loose there but she copied what I had sent her.

Thanks for listening!

Be Well,

Lisa

1 person likes this

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Hey Lisa,

 

Hope all is well.  I am loving this.  It has a very cool 70's soul feel, something you might hear off a Curtis Mayfield album or Marvin Gaye's Whats Goin On album.  Loving the heavy bass.  Really great lyric and I agree with above commenter, really good vocal and music and melody compliment each other really well.  I am not hearing a rap part in this tune and like I said, I am hearing more of a soul tune here ... think Freddie's Dead by Curtis Mayfield or Inner City Blues by Marvin, or even Son of a Preacher man by Dusty Springfield.  

 

Take care neighbor

 

Dave

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Well Dave, I'm glad you love it. I was hoping that the 70's feel might translate into a modern feel if we had a talking/rap part. This song has a purpose so I appreciate your honesty with it. Neighbor!! Maybe if I get out of work on time, I can come see you again!

:-)

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Posted (edited)

Pretty good start on a something I think has loads of potential, Lisa.  But, while the person on Facebook may have some skills as a loop slicer and splicer, I suspect they're not so much a musical arranger.  If they were, every fiber of their being would tell them that the chorus here has to hit with a new chord. :)

 

Just my opinion from barely half a barrel. 

 

 

Edited by HoboSage

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Hi Lisa,

 

Thanks for sharing your song. The vocals are nice, they sound very Madonna-ish to me. You could add some dynamics to the beginning if you postpone the vocals to later in the track. The bass line is far too reduced for my taste, is it really just about the same four chords the whole song? The percussions could be a little more in the background, I think they take too much space in the mix. All in all, it sounds like a good idea, but I'd add some more parts to the song (don't make the song longer, add more stuff in it).

 

Cheers!
Yves

 

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