GocartMoz

100 Days

21 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Hey all.  Haven't had much time for writing of late.  This is the first in a long while.  Thanks for any feedback you can offer.  I know some don't like political tunes.  Couldn't help myself.  It is what inspires me of late.

 

100 Days

Music & Lyrics by David S. Becker

(c)2017 David S. Becker Music

 

 

INTRO

VERSE 1

I'm drying my eyes

I'm torn up inside

This once was a place

Where the heart and the soul

They could thrive

 

PRE-CHORUS

(How can they cheer)

When we're dying

(And turn a blind eye)

To the lying

(For 100 days)

I've been crying

When compassion is lost

We will all pay the cost

And a nation is failing

It's all crumbling down

In just ...

 

CHORUS

100 days

(Watch it burn)

100 days

(When will we learn)

100 Days

What have we done

 

VERSE 2

In the harbor she stands

With a torch in her hand

She's welcoming those

From distant and faraway lands

 

PRE-CHORUS

(How can they cheer)

Liberty's dying

(And turn a blind eye)

To his lying

(For 100 days)

Autocracy's looming

When all decency strays

While the suits look away

And the house on the hills

Gone from bright white to gray

In just ...

 

CHORUS

BRIDGE

I think I'm goin' crazy

I must be losing my mind

I don't even recognize this place

Maybe I'm blind

Tell me I'm dreaming

Or I simply lost my way

It's all gone to hell

In just 100 days

 

CHORUS x 3/Fade

 

Edited by GocartMoz
2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't mind political songs at all. I think it's our duty as song writers, to write about this kind of stuff, and love how you've gone about in this song, Dave! It feels kind of hopeless

in some ways, but not entirely, because you've sent such a passionate message, that it gives a feeling of hope, that as a nation, you can get back to where you once were.(if that makes any sense) :unsure: And this is a world wide condition, and I think we, the people, are being shaken to the core, to reclaim what we value most. So keep writing what you feel most passionate about Dave, because it will make a difference :wub: So nice to hear another one of your songs...it's been a while [smiley=hippy.gif]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I like your song, especially the chorus. In the verse I kept on hearing a different ending to the melody of certain phrases. Instead of ending with an F#, such as on "...eyes", and "...inside", I keep on hearing D# immediately followed by C#; so, as 1/8th notes. Perhaps alternate, ending some phrases with F# (quarter note) as you do now and the others with D# - C#. Just a thought, though. 

 

The "100 days" in the chorus has a Bowie feel to it. Very nice.

 

Just a matter of taste, but I would EQ some low and high-end off the backing vocals and perhaps push them ever so slightly further back in the mix. Very subtly though. The backing vocals echo what the lead vocals are saying, but at the moment they have just as much presence as the latter, which sounded a bit off to me first time I heard it. Though I got used to it towards the end of the song, so again it's a matter of taste.

Edited by Will Sketches

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You did something cool and great with this piece, Dave...

Really like the melody... It's moving, I find... Your voice is moving too...

The verses are so beautiful than the chorus...

Brilliant song, mate!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello David,

 

I really like everything about your song, from the lyrics, to the melody, to the vocal delivery... can really feel the lament when you sing "What have we done"...  that one line is a powerful message to your audience. Just had a small comment regarding your backing vocals - it sounds almost as forward as the main vocal. Maybe you could push it back a tad bit, and add another higher harmony (can specifically picture that in the "when will we learn" line). Could up the desperation/exasperation factor...

 

Sreyashi/Sumi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Great to see you back, Dave.

 

Damn sweet arrangement, and fine playing an singing.  Good recording too.  I have two nits - the drums and the lyric.

 

Overall, the drums sound good and appropriate to me, except for the crash cymbals and the stick work during the chorus.  I know I seem to always complain about when you choose to have a crash hit, but, at least I'm consistent. :) Some just seem out of place to me, and there are other points where I think there should be one and one isn't there.  I also think the super-wide spread between the left and right crashes in isolation without any "bleed-through"" sounds too conspicuously "fake."  Side stick hits for the chorus in this tune just sound weak and "wrong" to me.  I think this chorus is aching for a "boom/bam/crack" of some sort there - something with some power and punch.  Even if you can't get rid of the stick hits because they're inexorably intertwined with a drum loop you need, you could augment those stick hits with a snare and/or tom or something that booms/bams/cracks - and I think you should.

 

There's nothing wrong with the lyric, per se. Though, it does already kind of render the song "dated."  But, my main complaint is that this is really a killer piece of music, and I think you waste it by putting it to a lyric about our f*ckin' doofus Russian President.  He's not worthy of this music! :)

 

Just my opinions.

 

David

 

 

Edited by HoboSage

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What's up Dave. It's been awhile. Awesome tune you have here. Like the others I love the arrangement, music and performance. All very excellent. Only a couple of thoughts. I think all the parts in parenthesis could/should be stronger. I think having more background vocals there would really pump it up and give the feeling of a larger group of people having those thoughts. The other is verse 2. It seems out of place in this tune. By itself it is a great verse without a doubt. But it doesn't carry the emotion that the rest of the song does IMO. Most of the tune is about peoples feelings concerning the subject and that one isn't. And, immigrants can still come here so to me it's almost saying "Lady Liberty is still here so come and join the hell-hole." Which just feels out of place in this piece. 

 

Glad to hear another one from you. Have a good one.

 

Randy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Dave,

 

Beautiful arrangement and melodies. The guitars sound great. I also think the background vocals could be lowered just a little more.

 

Enjoyed,

 

Ken

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can feel the sadness over the current political state. "What have we done" seems to sum it up quite well. (Fortunately, I'm not part of the "we", here in Canada but I can sympathize) A few times I heard the hint of a flute in the mix? Not sure if it's my inner musical imagination or if it's really there, but if it's there it could come up in the mix a little and be more featured. If it's not there, I can imagine a flute accompaniment.

 

I think the mood and topic of the song comes across well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Suzy ... Thx for the listen Suzy and the encouraging comments, it is always appreciated.

 

@Will ... thx as well.  I do agree that the B/V's are a bit up front, on repeated listens.  I will have to bring them down a tad.  Will also experiment with the note changes on the verse and see what I think.  Appreciate the listen and comments greatly.

 

@Matthew ... thx much for the listen and comments as always.  Glad you enjoyed it!

 

@Sreyashi ... thx much for commenting and having a listen.  Totally agree with the comments on the b/V's.  Also like the harmony idea on the "what have we done line."  Now only if I can accomplish that successfully! :)

 

@David ... thx as always ... I knew the drums were an issue.  I can never seem to produce what I hear in my head on the skins.  Always a weak link for me and honestly the thing Inspend the least amount of time on (and I think it shows)!  On the to do list for sure.  Lyric wise, I honestly don't see me changing much.  When I was playing around with the progression and coming up with the melody I just started sing extraneous words, like I always do when I write, and this is what came out.  He has taken over my mind like a friggin' virus and I can't get out of my head, try as I might,

 

@Randy .., How is it going my friend.  Yes it has been a long time.  Been so swamped between the day job and gigging with the band at night I just haven't had much time to write.  Always appreciate the comments.  Are you talking about having almost a chorus for the parts in parenthesis?  I kind of like that idea if you are.  As far as the second verse, I have to say, I do see the connection, but understand your point.  Maybe I could work in "Come and join the hell hole" though.  I kind of like that. :)

 

@Ken ... thx much for the listen and comments.  They are always appreciated.  Totally agree on the b/v's,

 

@Paul ... thx as always for the listen.  Love your new one.  No flute in this, Just a lot of guitar tracks, vocals, midi bass and drums.  Thx for the comments!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Hey Dave,

 

The recording sounds great.  I'm not as fluent at drum-speak as David is, but my impression is that the drums just don't fit in with the rest of the rhythm section.  They're just too busy. There's a double-time feel when I hear a more basic 8th note groove, maybe even with a little shuffle/lilt to it.  Also they're just hitting to hard. The way you play and sing the other parts says ballad to me.  I dunno, some contemporary music juxtaposes things in ways that I don't quite 'get,' so feel free to ignore my old-school predilections.

 

The only other thing is that there are places where it sounds more like a love song than the depressing/haunting/protesting anthem - like those major seventh chords and melody in the chorus at 2:00.  It's just too pretty to be galvanizing (for lack of a better word).

 

The lyric is very good, though for my money I prefer lyrics that say things less blatantly and more metaphorically.  That said, I understand that this this is a case where you just need to say it.  "Four Dead In Ohio" is the last thing I would think of penning, and yet..

 

-Mark

Edited by M57
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Mark,

 

Thx for the listen.  When I was fooling around with the progression, as is always the beginning of my songwriting process, while singing extraneous ramblings, it started as a love song.  Problem is I am a horrible love song writer. :)  I guess I have been married so long, with more songs than I can count about my wife, that the love song arena just isn't in the cards for me.  As a result, there was this.  I get that maj 7th chords and politics don't necessarily make a good match.  Nothing like trying something new on for size!

 

Anyway, per previous posters, I have taken the bv's back a little and have also tried to work on the drums a bit, though I do not believe successfully.  They are still a WIP and the bane of my existence.

 

Thx, as always, for the comments.  Much appreciated.

 

Dave

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Really good song Dave! It sounds great. I don't have any critique really, except I felt like the fade out was the wrong approach rather than properly ending, I just thought it would leave a much more powerful impression if it ended.. I think there are lots of options for how/where to end on the final chorus.

 

Dek

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lots to like here, good vocals and really nice guitarring. Good use of delay to get that "driving" feel. Totally agree with HoboSage re the side stick in the chorus and will add the hihat to the list that I found a little too prominent. And totally disagree with M57 re the "business" of the drums. On the other hand my drum tracks tend to get the same kind of critique so I guess it is down to personal prefs.


Mix sound fab, would have prefered a little more low end to balance out the guitars/hihat/snare in the upper register but that is a minor issue.

 

Summary? Bloody great! :-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Under normal circumstances, I try hard not to comment in these critique sections.

But, since we have directly conflicting opinions on the drum track, figured I'd weigh in.

 

For whatever it's worth, I'm in total agreement with M57's comments...

Quote

the drums just don't fit in with the rest of the rhythm section.  They're just too busy. There's a double-time feel when I hear a more basic 8th note groove

When I listened to this a week ago, my first thought was that I would have gone with a straighter 1/8 note feel. Something a bit more basic.;)

 

BTW Nice track Mr. Dave! 

 

Tom

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Dek, Johan and Tom ...thx much for the comments.  Greatly appreciated.  I keep changing the drums and going back to what I had as nothing sounds right to my ears.  Still working on it!

 

dave

 

p.s.  Sure would love to hit you up for a drum track Tom, but I remember reading you are not doing that these days ... hint hint

Edited by GocartMoz

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/25/2017 at 4:57 PM, Ashes for Dreams said:

And totally disagree with M57 re the "business" of the drums.

 

On 5/25/2017 at 5:09 PM, tunesmithth said:

For whatever it's worth, I'm in total agreement with M57's comments...

 

Hey Dave,

LOL!   Now you know that whatever you do - there will be haters.  Gotta embrace it. I'm changing my recommendation to.. do what feels good. [smiley=acoustic.gif]

Edited by M57
1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 minutes ago, M57 said:

 

 I'm changing my recommendation to.. do what feels good. [smiley=acoustic.gif]

I second that big time! :-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

 

Hey Dave,

LOL!   Now you know that whatever you do - there will be haters.  Gotta embrace it. I'm changing my recommendation to.. do what feels good. [smiley=acoustic.gif]

 

 

"Haters"...seriously????

I simply said that I agreed with your original assessment of the drum track. "Haters"?

...and here I thought I was offering a "critique", based on 30+ years as a drummer, 20+ years as a songwriter, 10+ years as a Songstuffer & 60+ years as a listener.

Silly me!

 

Well the good news is this...I'm pretty sure that the OP (Dave) interpreted my comments as they were intended. ;)

 

*BTW for anyone wondering why I prefaced my original comments with this statement...

Quote

Under normal circumstances, I try hard not to comment in these critique sections.

now you know!

 

Have a good Memorial Day everyone!

 

Tom

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry @tunesmithth - I guess my self deprecating sense of humor was not adequately conveyed in the post - though I'm pretty sure @Ashes for Dreams got it.  In reading between the lines - I though it would be clear that I'd have to include myself among the 'haters.'  My point was "You can't please everyone."  Geez ..it's just music. Apparently haters is just too loaded for Songstuff. ..although the irony that I used it in this particular thread is not lost on me.

Edited by M57

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi

Other than that the drums sound busy too me, (I'm sorry I can't be more specific than that.)

For me its perfect. I really enjoyed it. 

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.