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john

Lyrics Writing Challenge #6 - Opposites

27 posts in this topic

Hi Gang

 

This challenge is all about the use of opposites.

 

  • love/hate
  • strong/weak
  • light/dark
  • hot/cold
  • rough/smooth
  • old/young
  • smart/dumb
  • ugly/beautiful

 

How you use opposites is up to you. It could be central to the theme, a mechanism, contrast for any reason. You can even use more than one opposite pair.

 

The purpose is not to simply mention some opposite elements for no real reason, but to use opposites to good effect.

 

Cheers

 

John

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In the dark missing the light

 

 How long has it been

 my staying in the dark

Though it suits me perfectly

It’s a fake comfort after all,

and somewhere deep down

I miss the light

Oh light where are you?

 Your warmth I’ve forgotten

I am still in the dark

 I am blind but I move on

 

 It seems I’ve lost it all

And though I trip and fall

 I move on in the darkness

hoping to reach the light.

 

How they tell me

that I fit in here

 in the dark hiding myself

hiding my all

 I myself cannot see

what has become of me

But I can’t be here forever

I need to get up and go. 

 I long for the light,

and hope it will take me back.

 

It seems I’ve lost it all

And though I trip and fall

 I move on in the darkness

Hoping to reach the light.

 

 

 

 

 

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Welcome to the site. I hope that you post and critique often. 

 

For the challenge, you seem to be going in the right direction with your dark/light opposites. I was wanting more of the "why" behind being in the dark and what both the dark and light represented. That could come across more clearly in your verses and could be echoed in your chorus. Right now the words are there but the use of metaphor could be stronger. ~T

 

 

 

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I used up my opposite (near/far) for the no-rhyme challenge! Aargh! Back to the drawing board . . . :) 

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16 hours ago, Timbre said:

Welcome to the site. I hope that you post and critique often. 

 

For the challenge, you seem to be going in the right direction with your dark/light opposites. I was wanting more of the "why" behind being in the dark and what both the dark and light represented. That could come across more clearly in your verses and could be echoed in your chorus. Right now the words are there but the use of metaphor could be stronger. ~T

 

 

 

Thanks a lot for for the feedback. You have a point there,  of my being non specific. But I was thinking especially when it comes to darkness  and light most people have their own  individual ideas. So doesn't being non specific  help the listener relate better to the lines? That is  letting each person fill in the 'why'. I agree with you  that I should use more metaphor.

And thanks for welcoming me here. I'll look forward to your lyrics.😊___ND

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Hi, ND.

 

Yes, I agree that some non-specificity allows the listener to relate the song to their own lives.What I was struggling with was some general meaning for darkness and light that was consistent enough for a listener to grab onto and apply to their own situation. There seemed to be some contradictory meanings. For example in the first verse the lines  my staying in the dark/Though it suits me perfectly suggest that the singer prefers the darkness. That's an interesting idea that taps into the idea that we all have a dark side. That's an idea that you can build an entire song around. However, in the next line contradicts that by saying it It’s a fake comfort after all. So is the singer embracing the darkness or is it a crutch? Some tension between those 2 ideas would be cool too, but it currently doesn't come across as an intentional contrast that builds tension. 

 

The chorus also suggests that the darkness is about loss. That's another meaning for darkness that holds universal appeal. So if you went with that as the central meaning that would need to be reinforced more in the chorus and the verses would need to revolve more strongly around that idea. Just my 2 cents. ~T

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Just a start:

 

The Young Will Steer the Old

 

There's a typewriter collecting dust

This young man thinks he will teach us

Old guys, new tricks

Humph! don't think they mix

 

He grew up a cellphone in his hand

Digital native in Holy land

Young man, cool life

Looking through clear eyes

 

It's a strange twist of fate

How life ends up like this

Faster than a blink

Smarter than you think

As you look, behold!

the young will steer the old

 

Driving down the streets I thought I'd teach

Younger ones see a two way street

Wise men lecture

Childish adventure

 

It's a strange twist of fate

How life ends up like this

Faster than a blink

Smarter than you think

As you look, behold!

the young will steer the old

 

Clear as a bell

Muddy waters never tell

Where they came from, where they're going to

Guided by technology

To succeed in society

 

It's a strange twist of fate

How life ends up like this

Faster than a blink

Smarter than you think

As you look, behold!

the young will steer the old

 

 

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On 5/28/2017 at 10:34 AM, Niledomingo said:

In the dark missing the light

 

 How long has it been

 my staying in the dark

Though it suits me perfectly

It’s a fake comfort after all,

and somewhere deep down

I miss the light

Oh light where are you?

 Your warmth I’ve forgotten

I am still in the dark

 I am blind but I move on

 

 It seems I’ve lost it all

And though I trip and fall

 I move on in the darkness

hoping to reach the light.

 

How they tell me

that I fit in here

 in the dark hiding myself

hiding my all

 I myself cannot see

what has become of me

But I can’t be here forever

I need to get up and go. 

 I long for the light,

and hope it will take me back.

 

It seems I’ve lost it all

And though I trip and fall

 I move on in the darkness

Hoping to reach the light.

 

 

 

 

 

Hi ND! This is very deep. It reads more like a poem to me right now. The line "oh light where are you" has me spouting Shakespeare in my head "Oh Romeo where art tho" in a fun kind of way. If you titled this "Hoping to reach the light" and added this line as a refrain throughout the song it would give it better structure in my opinion. I also like the hopefulness of this line and since you repeated it twice it would lend itself to be the refrain. Glad you're here! I love these challenges and hope you do too!!
Lisa

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7 hours ago, Lisa Gates said:

Hi ND! This is very deep. It reads more like a poem to me right now. The line "oh light where are you" has me spouting Shakespeare in my head "Oh Romeo where art tho" in a fun kind of way. If you titled this "Hoping to reach the light" and added this line as a refrain throughout the song it would give it better structure in my opinion. I also like the hopefulness of this line and since you repeated it twice it would lend itself to be the refrain. Glad you're here! I love these challenges and hope you do too!!
Lisa

Ha ha thank you Lisa.:lol: I was a little worried about addressing 'light' that way but it just came with the flow. My style is sort of poetic alright, I shouldn't be surprised that you found out.  'Hoping to reach the light' could have been a better  title but since it was a challenge for opposites I thought I should include darkness in it( the title). By the way,  I loved your lyrics . Even though it's something like a lament of an old person,I felt the whole atmosphere in it sort of vibrant  and this I very much liked. Please feel free to give me more feedback and advice. 

Hoping to learn from you__ND:)

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18 hours ago, Timbre said:

Hi, ND.

 

Yes, I agree that some non-specificity allows the listener to relate the song to their own lives.What I was struggling with was some general meaning for darkness and light that was consistent enough for a listener to grab onto and apply to their own situation. There seemed to be some contradictory meanings. For example in the first verse the lines  my staying in the dark/Though it suits me perfectly suggest that the singer prefers the darkness. That's an interesting idea that taps into the idea that we all have a dark side. That's an idea that you can build an entire song around. However, in the next line contradicts that by saying it It’s a fake comfort after all. So is the singer embracing the darkness or is it a crutch? Some tension between those 2 ideas would be cool too, but it currently doesn't come across as an intentional contrast that builds tension. 

 

The chorus also suggests that the darkness is about loss. That's another meaning for darkness that holds universal appeal. So if you went with that as the central meaning that would need to be reinforced more in the chorus and the verses would need to revolve more strongly around that idea. Just my 2 cents. ~T

Thanks again. I guess I should convey meanings better.

Though it suits me perfectly (says he is comfortable with darkness)

It's a fake comfort after all(he knows this comfort is fake/he secretly hates this comfort )  . The idea is, though he looks apparently comfortable in the darkness, he is not and he secretly misses the light. In the chorus,his darkness isn't about loss,rather  it is the darkness which made him lose it all (according to me) . But then again, I like to give the liberty for individual interpretations.

Guess I should try harder to get my meanings across. Anyway thanks a bunch___ND

 

 

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On 5/30/2017 at 9:14 PM, Lisa Gates said:

The Young Will Steer the Old

 

There's a typewriter collecting dust

This young man thinks he will teach us

Old guys, new tricks

Humph! don't think they mix

 

He grew up a cellphone in his hand

Digital native in Holy land

Young man, cool life

Looking through clear eyes

 

It's a strange twist of fate

How life ends up like this

Faster than a blink

Smarter than you think

As you look, behold!

the young will steer the old

 

Driving down the streets I thought I'd teach

Younger ones see a two way street

Wise men lecture

Childish adventure

 

It's a strange twist of fate

How life ends up like this

Faster than a blink

Smarter than you think

As you look, behold!

the young will steer the old

 

Clear as a bell

Muddy waters never tell

Where they came from, where they're going to

Guided by technology

To succeed in society

 

It's a strange twist of fate

How life ends up like this

Faster than a blink

Smarter than you think

As you look, behold!

the young will steer the old

 

 

Hi, Lisa.

 

I like this contrast and theme. One line in particular echoed this contrast perfectly--Digital native in a Holy Land--really nice contrast of historical and modern. At first I wondered who was "speaking"--the young or the old. After a couple reads I settled on the old. You might consider tweaking slighlty to make that come across more (If I guessed correctly!). The 5th line of the chorus reads with emphasis, but not sure how that would translate in performance/singing. Not sure it needs the exclamation point to get the message across and it reads a bit forced to rhyme with the final line. One idea I had for an alternative line is: As this life unfolds. Or something that has more ease/flow. Enjoyed it. ~T

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I hope I used enough opposites and that they were opposite enough.  I probably should have held this longer than I did before posting, but I was afraid I would miss the challenge.  It feels a little cheezy.

 

YOU'LL REST EASY IN MY ARMS TONIGHT
lyrics by Kc Chad ©2017


You've taught our son how to labor hard
 rising up at the crack of dawn
whether the weather is biting cold
or humidy ripples the horizon
you face the ice, rain and sun
with your boots laced up
steel-toed boots, yeah-uh

 

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,
 you'll rest easy in my arms, my arms tonight

 

It may be that our mansion
is a vision of our imagination
our staff are on permanent respite
Apron strings fastened a little too tight
Hot stuff, I'm  your Chef tonight, 
Loose that cotton knot
that stubborn cotton knot

 

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,
 you'll rest easy in my arms, my arms tonight

 

I'll fetch you a towel, love, yeah
meet me upstairs in the shower, yeah eh
we'll change that sweat to a soapy scent
Give your leathered fingers a little rest
Lather's as silk in  my hands
I can handle this
Oh I can handle this

 

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,
 you'll rest easy in my arms, my arms tonight

 

close your eyes
just relax
I'll soothe your aches
I'll rub your back
I'll grasp your hands
and my palms'll dance
on the surface of your skin

 

Rest easy, love
fall into my arms
drift away in dreams
You labor hard, love
You labor hard, but you'll rest easy
You'll rest easy in my arms, in my arms tonight

 

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy love
You'll rest easy in my arms, my arms tonight.

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On 5/28/2017 at 10:34 AM, Niledomingo said:

In the dark missing the light

 

 How long has it been

 my staying in the dark

Though it suits me perfectly

It’s a fake comfort after all,

and somewhere deep down

I miss the light

Oh light where are you?

 Your warmth I’ve forgotten

I am still in the dark

 I am blind but I move on

 

 It seems I’ve lost it all

And though I trip and fall

 I move on in the darkness

hoping to reach the light.

 

How they tell me

that I fit in here

 in the dark hiding myself

hiding my all

 I myself cannot see

what has become of me

But I can’t be here forever

I need to get up and go. 

 I long for the light,

and hope it will take me back.

 

It seems I’ve lost it all

And though I trip and fall

 I move on in the darkness

Hoping to reach the light.

 

 

 

 

 

There's lots of intrigue in these lyrics.  Many could identify from certain phases of their life, different situations could apply.  The lyrics prompt emotions of longing, fear, isolation and confusion.  There is one section that seems to raise questions that can't be remedied by the rest of the lyrics.  That part is:  "How they tell me that I fit in here, hiding my all"   Questions like, who are "they" and why do they say you fit in there?   I think it detracts from the rest of your lyrics.  I would omit those lines and you could take out "myself" in the next line and keep everything else and it would keep a good flow.

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Posted (edited)

On 5/30/2017 at 9:14 PM, Lisa Gates said:

Just a start:

 

The Young Will Steer the Old

 

There's a typewriter collecting dust

A young man aiming to teach us

Us Old guys their new tricks

Humph! Baking soda/vinegar mix  (I thought this was an appropriate concrete visual for and volatile mix)

 

He grew up a cellphone in his hand

Digital native in Holy land

He's a young man with a cool life

Yeah, he's looking through unjaded eyes  (mostly because above changes required different syllables if used, but also thought unjaded may have been more of what you meant by clear.)

 

It's a strange twist of fate

How life ends up like this

Faster than a blink

Smarter than you think

Casting the course, breaking the mold  (reason noted below on another of your chorus chunks--see below).

the young will steer, the young

will steer the old

 

Driving down the road I thought I'd teach  (you had "street" in the line below as well.  That one needed to stay because of rhyme pattern).

Younger ones see a two way street

but a wise man's tenure's  (again, if you choose to go with these suggestions, needed syllable changes, plus I thought it might be more what you were trying to say).

a futile venture

 

It's a strange twist of fate

How life ends up like this

Faster than a blink

Smarter than you think

As you look, behold!  The reason I recommended this change above was because "As you look" and "behold" sort of say the same thing, plus "behold" doesn't fit the sense of the song. 

the young will steer the old  I doubled this up above as an emphasis, as it seems to be the theme of your song.

 

Clear as a bell                                 *This sounds like your bridge*                              

Muddy waters never tell

Where they came from, where they're going to

Guided by technology

To succeed in society

 

It's a strange twist of fate

How life ends up like this

Faster than a blink

Smarter than you think

As you look, behold!

the young will steer the old

 

 

Hey Lisa, I made some suggestions above, However its incomplete because because I am being called away, but I hope to revisit to provide a more complete feedback on this later.

***  Update:  I said I would come back, so I did and finished some suggestion and clarified some feedback.  The suggestions are in blue, the clarification in purple.  

 

Edited by Pahchisme Plaid
completing unfinished comments.
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Posted (edited)

Hi :)

Wheww...finally. opposites?? Any thoughts appreciated. Sorry about "baby" fought with the word..it won :)

Thanks, Peggy

 

 

Love and Logic   Copyright 06/06/2017 Peggy L. Smart-Barnes

------ V 1 -------
Baby, baby, I've got something to say
Baby, there's just no other way
Kiss me first but no more denying
Can't save love when logic's dying

------ C 1 -------
Hot and toxic as you wrap me tight
You lead with love and it feels so right
But we're not safe if love is driving
You and I need to keep trying

------ V 2 -------
Baby, baby, oh you make me dream
Baby, then you make me scream
With no rules there's no use lying
Can't save love when logic's dying

------ C 2 -------
Hot and toxic as you wrap me tight
You lead with love and it feels so right
But we're not safe if love is driving

Oh You and I, you and I
You and I need to keep trying

--------- B 1 ----------
It's so complicated and I'm on the brink
I'm so captivated that I can not think
Reason becomes such a challenge
But love and logic need to have a balance
Love and logic need to have a balance
Love and logic need to have a balance

------ V 3 -------
Baby, baby, don't struggle to share
Baby, don't struggle to care
Loneliness is worth the crying
But we can't save love when logic's dying

------ C 3 -------
Hot and toxic as you wrap me tight
You lead with love and it feels so right
But we're not safe if love is driving
Oh You and I, you and I
You and I need to keep trying

--------- B 2 out ---------
It's so complicated and I'm on the brink
I'm so captivated that I can not think
Reason becomes such a challenge
But love and logic need to have a balance
Love and logic need to have a balance
Love and logic

 

 

Edited by Peggy
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On 6/4/2017 at 5:22 PM, Pahchisme Plaid said:

I hope I used enough opposites and that they were opposite enough.  I probably should have held this longer than I did before posting, but I was afraid I would miss the challenge.  It feels a little cheezy.

 

YOU'LL REST EASY IN MY ARMS TONIGHT
lyrics by Kc Chad ©2017


You've taught our son how to labor hard
 rising up at the crack of dawn
whether the weather is biting cold
or humidy ripples the horizon
you face the ice, rain and sun
with your boots laced up
steel-toed boots, yeah-uh

 

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,
 you'll rest easy in my arms, my arms tonight

 

It may be that our mansion
is a vision of our imagination
our staff are on permanent respite
Apron strings fastened a little too tight
Hot stuff, I'm  your Chef tonight, 
Loose that cotton knot
that stubborn cotton knot

 

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,
 you'll rest easy in my arms, my arms tonight

 

I'll fetch you a towel, love, yeah
meet me upstairs in the shower, yeah eh
we'll change that sweat to a soapy scent
Give your leathered fingers a little rest
Lather's as silk in  my hands
I can handle this
Oh I can handle this

 

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,
 you'll rest easy in my arms, my arms tonight

 

close your eyes
just relax
I'll soothe your aches
I'll rub your back
I'll grasp your hands
and my palms'll dance
on the surface of your skin

 

Rest easy, love
fall into my arms
drift away in dreams
You labor hard, love
You labor hard, but you'll rest easy
You'll rest easy in my arms, in my arms tonight

 

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy love
You'll rest easy in my arms, my arms tonight.

I really like this!!

The labor and rest are rugged and gentle all throughout.  I like each of the verses. Thinking they could be tightened a bit so each verse basically has the same flow and stress. Going to work on a couple suggestions I might have.

:)

Peggy

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20 minutes ago, Peggy said:

 

Hi :)

Wheww...finally. opposites?? Any thoughts appreciated. Sorry about "baby" fought with the word..it won :)

Thanks, Peggy

 

 

Love and Logic   Copyright 06/06/2017 Peggy L. Smart-Barnes

 

Hey Peggy,

Tired, tired tonight, but will give feedback as soon as I am rested enough to make sense. :)

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Loved this! I wanted to be sitting in a venue hearing this being performed. It had a Rob Thomas/Matchox 20 vibe to me. I didn't mind the "baby"--it was kind of conversational and worked for me.

 

Re: the brief, love and logic are such nuanced opposites- less obvious and more lyrical. Very clever. Using the bridge as an outro was also cool idea. The kicker for me was the line--We're not safe if love is driving. Outstanding. 

 

I am curious about C2, Is that purposefully stable where as C1 is unstable? I could sorta see that switched, with C1 being stable and successive choruses being unstable to build the tension. Really enjoyed it. ~T

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1 hour ago, Timbre said:

Loved this! I wanted to be sitting in a venue hearing this being performed. It had a Rob Thomas/Matchox 20 vibe to me. I didn't mind the "baby"--it was kind of conversational and worked for me.

 

Re: the brief, love and logic are such nuanced opposites- less obvious and more lyrical. Very clever. Using the bridge as an outro was also cool idea. The kicker for me was the line--We're not safe if love is driving. Outstanding. 

 

I am curious about C2, Is that purposefully stable where as C1 is unstable? I could sorta see that switched, with C1 being stable and successive choruses being unstable to build the tension. Really enjoyed it. ~T

 

Very kind! Thanks!!  Hoping I could pull it off. Been thinking about this for a bit now. Challenge pushed me :) you know..i really do think they are opposites ... haha :blink:

 Definitely good advise on placement.  I get excited too early sometimes.. :) change is great and made.

Peggy

 

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11 hours ago, Peggy said:

Hi :)

Wheww...finally. opposites?? Any thoughts appreciated. Sorry about "baby" fought with the word..it won :)

Thanks, Peggy

 

 

Love and Logic   Copyright 06/06/2017 Peggy L. Smart-Barnes

------ V 1 -------
Baby, baby, I've got something to say
Oh babe, there's just  ain't no other way 
Kiss me first-- but no more denying
Can't save love when logic's dying

------ C 1 -------
Hot and toxic as you wrap me tight
You lead with breathe out love; and it feels so right
But we're not No one's safe if when love is driving

------ V 2 -------
Baby, baby, oh you make me dream
Oh, babe you make me scream
With no rules there's no use lying
Can't save love when logic's dying
You and I need to How we keep on, keep on trying
------ C 2 -------
Hot and toxic as you wrap me tight  (See changes in C1)
You lead with love and it feels so right
But we're not safe if love is driving

Oh You and I, you and I
You and I need to  Oh, we just keep trying 
--------- B 1 ----------
It's so complicated and I'm on the brink
I'm so captivated that I can not think
Reason's becomes such a challenge
But cause love and logic need to have a balance
Love and logic need to have a balance
Love and logic need to have a We need some balance

------ V 3 -------
Baby, baby, don't  Its a struggle to share
Baby, don't struggle to think I don't care
Loneliness is worth the crying
But we can't save love when logic's dying

------ C 3 -------
Hot and toxic as you wrap me tight  (see changes in C1)
You lead with love and it feels so right
But we're not safe if love is driving
Oh You and I, you and I
You and I need to keep trying

--------- B 2 out ---------
It's so complicated and I'm on the brink (See changes in B1)
I'm so captivated that I can not think
Reason becomes such a challenge
But love and logic need to have a balance
Love and logic need to have a balance
Love and logic

 

 

I think "baby" works in this and I'm one who generally thinks its overused.  Now I have to revisit why it feels right in this song, whereas in others it just drags down the rest of the lyrics.  I think it may be that starting out "Baby, baby" sets a feel for this song.  I hope you don't mind the way I do suggestions, its just easier for me to express this way.  I made suggestions for singability and variation in musical intensity.  I almost want a musical change up between your first chorus and second verse or add one more verse ending in "driving", such as the addition of  "love is driving" to your first chorus on the last line. 

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On 6/4/2017 at 7:20 PM, Pahchisme Plaid said:

Hey Lisa, I made some suggestions above, However its incomplete because because I am being called away, but I hope to revisit to provide a more complete feedback on this later.

***  Update:  I said I would come back, so I did and finished some suggestion and clarified some feedback.  The suggestions are in blue, the clarification in purple.  

 

Most awesome suggestions! I'm in this frame of mind right now to shorten all my lines and forget that it's ok to write normal phrases. Thank you!!

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On 6/4/2017 at 11:14 AM, Timbre said:

Hi, Lisa.

 

I like this contrast and theme. One line in particular echoed this contrast perfectly--Digital native in a Holy Land--really nice contrast of historical and modern. At first I wondered who was "speaking"--the young or the old. After a couple reads I settled on the old. You might consider tweaking slighlty to make that come across more (If I guessed correctly!). The 5th line of the chorus reads with emphasis, but not sure how that would translate in performance/singing. Not sure it needs the exclamation point to get the message across and it reads a bit forced to rhyme with the final line. One idea I had for an alternative line is: As this life unfolds. Or something that has more ease/flow. Enjoyed it. ~T

Ha Ha Timbre! You guessed correctly! I got lost though and forgot to keep the Old grouch going... And I notoriously use the exclamation point too much! See!! I can't stop!! LOL

Thank you for catching my favorite line about the Digital native in a Holy land. PPlaid has made some great suggestions below. I think that I'll keep most of them.

 

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Posted (edited)

On 6/6/2017 at 8:26 PM, Peggy said:

I really like this!!

The labor and rest are rugged and gentle all throughout.  I like each of the verses. Thinking they could be tightened a bit so each verse basically has the same flow and stress. Going to work on a couple suggestions I might have.

:)

Peggy

Little things...
whether the weather (?)
or humidy/ humidity

Loose/loosen

Just my thoughts here

.. verses content I love, everything else too..no real focus right now for me, only verse. My opinion.. chorus is perfect... V1 is really nice!! I based other verses on it kinda. V2 and v3 have a lot of extra space in areas that can be used to make each line really tight and special, emotional, loving.

 

Just an example. :)

 

V1 L1 - You've taught our son how to labor hard
V2 L1 -  It may be that our mansion

V2 L1 example
             We build our mansion as the sun goes down
 

Just thinking..because really like this ALOT but can't make it flow for me amoung verses. :)

Peggy

Edited by Peggy
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On 6/7/2017 at 8:24 AM, Pahchisme Plaid said:

  I hope you don't mind the way I do suggestions, its just easier for me to express this way.  I made suggestions for singability and variation in musical intensity.  I almost want a musical change up between your first chorus and second verse or add one more verse ending in "driving", such as the addition of  "love is driving" to your first chorus on the last line. 

Hi and thanks for the read and comments.  I like to know how others "hear" the lyric. It started as VVC.

 

 Fits pretty good with my melody but checking out your suggestions especially... in the v and c areas. 

 

The bridge??  I can't even face that yet.. :)

Peggy

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On 6/4/2017 at 6:22 PM, Pahchisme Plaid said:

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,
 you'll rest easy in my arms, my arms tonight

Great imagery throughout and I really like the double opposites of labor hard/rest easy in your chorus. I kept getting tripped up on that "my arms, my arms". It's not  a tongue twister in any way; it's very singable but it felt  "extra" for some reason. 

 

An idea that occurred to me is to tweak that line to remove the extra bits and then repeat the whole thing twice, like so:

 

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,
Rest easy in my arms tonight

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,
Rest easy in my arms tonight

 

Even if you kept the chorus to just 2 lines, changing the cadence of that second line makes it sound more complete/stable to my ear. Just my take. ~T

 

P.S. on posting too soon--I struggle with hanging on too long because I can't figure something out or it doesn't quite feel ready and I want to put out a finished product. For me letting go and posting too soon is now the whole point. That way I can stay open to suggestions rather than being so fixed on my ideas that I'm reluctant to try others' ideas on for size. The challenges are good for letting go, because of that pesky time crunch built in before the next challenge comes along!

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On 6/7/2017 at 11:36 PM, Peggy said:

Little things...
whether the weather (?)
or humidy/ humidity

Loose/loosen

Just my thoughts here

.. verses content I love, everything else too..no real focus right now for me, only verse. My opinion.. chorus is perfect... V1 is really nice!! I based other verses on it kinda. V2 and v3 have a lot of extra space in areas that can be used to make each line really tight and special, emotional, loving.

Thanks Peggy!  I wondered how "whether the weather" would blow over. I figured people would either love it or hate it, so I decided to test it out.  The humidy is a spelling error that I wouldn't have caught, except for your good eye.  Loose/loosen was an experiment, too. I know it makes more sense to say "loosen", but I thought "loose" might give it more a sense of breaking free what's contained beneath for a sort of flirty connotation.  I'm not certain if by flow, you mean melodically or something else, maybe you could clarify.  I haven't tried putting melody to it yet--sometimes when I do, it changes some things. 

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21 hours ago, Timbre said:

Great imagery throughout and I really like the double opposites of labor hard/rest easy in your chorus. I kept getting tripped up on that "my arms, my arms". It's not  a tongue twister in any way; it's very singable but it felt  "extra" for some reason. 

 

An idea that occurred to me is to tweak that line to remove the extra bits and then repeat the whole thing twice, like so:

 

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,
Rest easy in my arms tonight

You labor hard, but you'll rest easy, love,
Rest easy in my arms tonight

 

Even if you kept the chorus to just 2 lines, changing the cadence of that second line makes it sound more complete/stable to my ear. Just my take. ~T

 

P.S. on posting too soon--I struggle with hanging on too long because I can't figure something out or it doesn't quite feel ready and I want to put out a finished product. For me letting go and posting too soon is now the whole point. That way I can stay open to suggestions rather than being so fixed on my ideas that I'm reluctant to try others' ideas on for size. The challenges are good for letting go, because of that pesky time crunch built in before the next challenge comes along!

You're perceptive, Timbre.  I did sort of tack the extra "my arms" on there.  I think I had sort of a fleeting melody that provoked with that, but its gone now.  I has no REAL purpose there, except for that.  I'll hang onto your suggestion of the two-line doubled up chorus and see what works when I put melody to it.  Putting melody to it sometimes alters things.  I like your reasoning that it gives more stability to this because these lyrics sort of have that sense of providing comfort--to me, a good reason to have a stable format.

Your P.S. makes total sense.  I like how you put it. :)

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