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GuesSs

Daily- Critique wanted

22 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Hey everyone!

 

This is a song I made with a friend recently and I would love some critique on it. She wrote majority of the lyrics but I did assist with some of the lyrics so I'm just looking for critique on the lyrics and the song as a whole. 


Thank you

 

DAILY LYRICS

Oh
Oh
Daily

Every morning you walk these streets
Read the paper, frown, curse, repeat 
Daily

Get some coffee while you answer the phone
Boss is calling says you’re taking so long 
Daily

You’re just halfway through the A.M.
And already you've been hating everything

But it’s in you, it’s in you 
How you'll roll through the day
How you gonna roll through your day

You're looking for the light at the end of the tunnel
Just break down the walls and ceiling
Yeah leave
Leave whenever you want

Try to reach for the brakes, life is moving too fast
Go on take over the wheel
But don't you know
You’ve been driving all along

Every morning you walk these streets
Try to whistle, nod, smile, repeat
Daily

Phone is ringing, it’s your favorite song 
Grab some coffee while you hum along
Daily

Not just walking, now you're skipping
Never mind the people looking
Pointing at you

Yeah it’s in you, it’s in you 
How you'll roll through the day
How you gonna roll through your day

You're looking for the light at the end of the tunnel
Just break down the walls and ceiling
Yeah leave
Leave whenever you want

Try to reach for the brakes, life is moving too fast
Go on take over the wheel
But don't you know
You’ve been driving all along

Yeah it’s in you, it’s in you 
How you'll roll through the day
How you gonna roll through your day

It’s in you, it's in you
How you'll roll through your day

 
 

 

Edited by GuesSs
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Posted (edited)

Oh, this is my jam right here! Very nice. I can listen to this one on repeat. It sounds fresh, has a groove, and good melody.

 

I don't have much in the way of critique, except I would thicken the texture from when the second time the singer goes, "Yeah, it's in you, it's in you", i.e. towards the end of the song. Maybe slightly earlier. Maybe add a simple vocal harmony to that particular lyric. And an additional groove to the beat from then on (except for the section where it goes down in energy). I'm thinking some maraccas or similar that play roughly on "one-and-a, two-and-a, three-and-a, four-and-a" with a bit of swing. Imagining that in my head while listening had me grooving like Carlton to the song. I see you're only 20, but I'm assuming you know who Carlton is. ;)

Edited by Will Sketches

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Haha I definitely know your Carlton is thank god for the Fresh Prince of Bel Air that show is a classic. And thank you for leaving me feedback on the song I'm glad that you were into it and that you enjoyed it.  

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Posted (edited)

Great Groove, well recorded.  Sounds are wonderful. Love the vocal. There are a lot of novel things that really get my attention with this, but there's one thing that doesn't work for me at all. There are a number of notes the vocalist sings that just don't line up with the implied chord scale of the moment.  For instance at 0:37, where she sings an F while there is a Gb the second Bmajor(ish) passing cord in the four chord series -  resulting in a minor second that clashes harmonically.   It's not the singer's fault, it's the way the melody doesn't fit with the chords. In fact, I sense she instinctively sings the pitch a little less discriminately and throws on a vibrato to cover up the problem.  There are a number of other places where similar problems occurs, mostly on that chord - It's a tricky one because it's chromatically passing and there are very few notes in its chord scale that work with the actual key of the tune.  Of course, if you like the way it sounds there - then keep it.  But honestly, it sounds horrible to me in an otherwise stellar recording.  Just my .02. -Mark

Edited by M57
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I agree that it's a nice recording.

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Posted (edited)

Quote

There are a number of notes the vocalist sings that just don't line up with the implied chord scale of the moment.  For instance at 0:37, where she sings an F while there is a Gb the second Bmajor(ish) [...]

 

Yeah that melody clashes with the chord progression there. But I don't think it's the F that is the problem. The way I heard that progression was as a ii-V-I with the root being the key of the song, and the V having been tritone substituted with a Bmaj7. I think she can sing either F or Gb, the former implying Bmaj7b5, which sounds okay to my ears. (Of course, F is the root of the V chord, so it should work regardless)

 

What I think is definitely clashing is when the sings the phrase over it, "Boss is calling says you’re taking so long", the bits in bold she's singing a D, which is definitely clashing with Bmaj7b5. If she sang a Eb, it would fit. 

 

Or maybe that's what you meant with minor second?

 

Edited by Will Sketches
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Posted (edited)

Yeah - I'm just using my ears so I'm probably getting the analysis mixed up a bit, but I'm pretty sure we're on the same page about where it's not working.  But I think it's a compositional flaw more so than a performance related one. Given the chord that's being played, I'd be hard pressed to come up with a melody there with the same melodic shape and starting on the same note as the previous line. -M

Edited by M57
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Posted (edited)

I wasn't going to comment with further specifics about this song - mostly because I have too many negative thoughts about it - but since Will and M57 are going on about harmonic clashing in their musical geek-speak <heh-heh>, FWIW, I'll offer my own uninformed lay opinion about that specific "issue."

 

I honestly don't hear any harmonic clash at 0:37 (or really anywhere else) between the vocal melody and the guitar.  The "harmonic clashing" I hear in this, if I can call it that, are between the guitar and vocal on the one hand, and the bass on the other, and it's because notes from the bass are so low, mushy and muddy, they don't really lock in strongly with the chords the guitar is playing and the notes the singer is singing, and sound kind of "off" at times - especially the third bass note, which may not be the best note choice each time around.  That's what I heard anyway.

 

 

Edited by HoboSage
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Posted (edited)

I like the idea of the song and with a few small tweaks to get the base and chords gelling in a few places it will be a fine song.

 

The way that I understand the lyric is that the person hates their job but the meaning of the line "Phone is ringing, it’s your favorite song" is not absolutely clear to me.  Is the phone ringing and the business that it brings the music or are they waiting for another company to confirm a new job?.  It's not a deal breaker because it can be a good thing to leave the listener options to make their mind up for themselves. 

Edited by Ray888

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Wow guys have magnificent ears picking up on harmonic clashes like that.  Maybe I should brush up on my music theory or something haha because all the scales and things you were referencing were completely foreign to me, but i guess its important that I learn about it. Nonetheless, thank you M57, WIllSketches, and Hobo Sage for the feedback you left me. I'm glad the problems weren't too noticeable

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8 hours ago, Ray888 said:

I like the idea of the song and with a few small tweaks to get the base and chords gelling in a few places it will be a fine song.

 

The way that I understand the lyric is that the person hates their job but the meaning of the line "Phone is ringing, it’s your favorite song" is not absolutely clear to me.  Is the phone ringing and the business that it brings the music or are they waiting for another company to confirm a new job?.  It's not a deal breaker because it can be a good thing to leave the listener options to make their mind up for themselves. 

The phone ringing part isn't meant to be too specific. It's kinda just the idea of your phone ringing and you the ringtone it plays is a favorite song of yours and you hum along to it

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2 hours ago, GuesSs said:

The phone ringing part isn't meant to be too specific. It's kinda just the idea of your phone ringing and you the ringtone it plays is a favorite song of yours and you hum along to it

Maybe It's because I'm an old fogey but I don't think that anyone would pick up on that meaning but as I mentioned before I don't think that it hurts to let the listener interpret it in the way that suits them.

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Posted (edited)

Hey @GuesSs ,

 

By sheer chance I came across a track with a guitar part and beat that sounds like pretty much a direct copy of yours. At first I thought it sounded similar because of the ii-V-I progression, but the guitar plays pretty much the same riff as in your song, and it's in the same key, same tempo.

 

Link is here: https://soundcloud.com/larifarus/illa'd 

 

 

I'd have a stern word with this fella, if I were you...

 

Edited by Will Sketches
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Posted (edited)

1 hour ago, Will Sketches said:

Hey @GuesSs ,

 

By sheer chance I came across a track with a guitar part and beat that sounds like pretty much a direct copy of yours. At first I thought it sounded similar because of the ii-V-I progression, but the guitar plays pretty much the same riff as in your song, and it's in the same key, same tempo.

 

Link is here: https://soundcloud.com/larifarus/illa'd 

 

 

I'd have a stern word with this fella, if I were you...

 

 

That's crazy similar - On the one hand, the changes is the very standard ii-V-I, and the voicings/fingerings are also quite standard for that progression on guitar. Yeah, he uses a few variations here and there with turnaround chords (like Bb6), but the same key, same fingerpicking pattern, same tempo, and showing up a couple of weeks after your post? That's just a little creepy.

Edited by M57

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OR...is the guitar is a loop, from a collection of loops with some variations...and you both used it? 

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31 minutes ago, M57 said:

 

the same key, same fingerpicking pattern, same tempo, 

 

. . .  = the same non-proprietary loop used in both.

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LOL Dek.  You just beat me to it.

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I really love the voice and although the melody is really great and interesting (I really liked the "it's in you..." part) the guitar is too repetitive. The song turns into a showcase for the vocal. Maybe a chorus with a change in rhythm? The eq'ing of the vocals in the chorus(?) took away the warmth without really making much of an impact...and I love the warmth of the voice. It's also interesting reading the replies and how different interpretations are and what people hear and call out...demonstrates the value of a forum like this.

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Posted (edited)

And I found it!  It's the third-listed loop here: https://www.looperman.com/loops?gid=6&cid=3

 

FWIW, the incessant, monotonous aspect of the guitar loop was one of the things I really didn't like about this song.  I wanted to reach through cyberspace and mute it. :) 

Edited by HoboSage
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Haha, assumption is the mother of all...

 

Nice find, @HoboSage!

 

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Posted (edited)

i just wanted to clarify for the original poster that no one is criticizing you for using a guitar loop, per se.  Using loops is a legit and common practice in modern music production. Though I only occasionally use third-party instrument loops, I use third-party drum and percussion loops all the time in my more fully-produced stuff.  I think this guitar loop is a cool-sounding and well recorded loop.  My own personal nit about it is only how incessant it is in this arrangement.

 

 

Edited by HoboSage
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56 minutes ago, HoboSage said:

i just wanted to clarify for the original poster that no one is criticizing you for using a guitar loop, per se.  Using loops is a legit and common practice in modern music production. Though I only occasionally use third-party instrument loops, I use third-party drum and percussion loops all the time in my more fully-produced stuff.  I think this guitar loop is a cool-sounding and well recorded loop.  My own personal nit about it is only how incessant it is in this arrangement.

 

 

 

I would add that using a third party instrumental loop as a fundamental harmonic underpinning of a song risks setting yourself up for a copy-cat production, at least in part because it's more likely to be a "standard" progression - style - etc.

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