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moptop

Girl Don't Do It by Patty Lakamp

31 posts in this topic

Here is a song written by a very gifted Lyricist Patty Lakamp and performed by Moptop. Please let us know what you think!. 

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)

Might I add, a "Very gifted vocalist and musician?"

 

Here are the lyrics.  These have been revised after some of the comments below.

 

Girl, Don’t Do It 

 

 

I’m telling you a secret

I never dared to share

Once, when I was someone else

….I had an affair

 

You’re telling me your secret

‘Cause you are where I was

Let’s talk it through together

And keep it between us

 

Girl, don’t do it

Think about your life

Are you just somebody’s lover

Or a loving wife?

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

You say this man is magic

You crave a rendezvous

But magic’s an illusion

I know, I’ve been there, too

 

Girl, don’t do it

Think about your life

Are you just somebody’s lover

Or a loving wife?

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

 

The day you floated down the aisle--

Your heart beat just for him

Give your heart back to your husband

And feel that way again 

 

Girl, don’t do it

Think about your life

Are you just somebody’s lover

Or a loving wife?

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

Yes, take your passion home tonight and find a way to stay

Grab that man you married and teach him how to play

Yeah, teach him how to play

 

Girl, don’t do it

Think about your life

Are you just somebody’s lover

Or a loving wife?

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

 

Girl, Don’t do it

There’s heartache down that road

Turn yourself around and

Take your passion home

 

 

 

 

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017

Edited by Patty Lakamp
Revised lyrics

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Don't know why exactly but I got a sort of Mamas & Papas feel with this sans harmonies. It's a very pleasant sounding song. I would like to see the lyrics here as well but from all I got, they sound good to me.

 

Randy

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Thanks!  Moptop does a great job with this.  Gives me chills.  

 

 

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Nice piano melody, and good singing. This thing could have a future with some spit-n-polish.  :-)

 

There's pretty much only 1 energy level in the whole 4:14, and the parts kinda blend together. Choruses need to stand out and be unmistakeable. That could be done here just by pitching up the vox and intensifying them a little.

 

Nits to pick:

 

"CAUSEyouare where I was" is jarring. It's jumbled together and won't be heard right. Instead of starting "Cause" on beat 1, try starting it on beat 4 of the previous bar. Then it phrases "Cause YOU are where I was". Much smoother.  :-)

 

"Girl don't do itdoyou wanna go through life...." is similarly jarring. You simply can't have jarring moments in a chorus. But fixing this one would require a small lyric rewrite.  :-\  But apparently I like trying to solve these puzzles, cause here is an idea....

 

  Girl don't do it  
  Girl don't do it
  Wouldn't you rather live your life
  as a faithful loving wife?

 

  Girl don't do it
  Girl don't do it
  Just take your passion home
  cause there's heartache if you roam
  Don't do it

 

In case it doesn't sing itself, here are the mile markers.... My first "girl don't do it" falls right on your "girl don't do it". "Wife" still falls right on "wife". "Roam" falls right on "home".

 

My final "don't do it" (in descending pitches, a la D C B follows immediately after "home"/"roam" and falls on beats 4 1 & of the first post-chorus bar. ("Do" falls on your beat 1 chord.)

 

You guys' nice little outro wouldn't even have to change.

 

And, fwiw, those are my suggestions for the spit-n-polish.  :-)

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Thanks, Vara.  Moptop and I have been talking about stressing different syllables, etc.  We both love that chorus line and I think I'm making him jam too many words in the space.  I'm trying to shorten it up.  One idea:

 

Girl, Don't do it

You're bound to spend your life

Just somebody's lover

not a loving wife--(emphasis on the LOV-ing WIFE)

 

I'm still working on it!

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11 minutes ago, Patty Lakamp said:

Thanks, Vara.  Moptop and I have been talking about stressing different syllables, etc.  We both love that chorus line and I think I'm making him jam too many words in the space.  I'm trying to shorten it up.  One idea:

 

Girl, Don't do it

You're bound to spend your life

Just somebody's lover

not a loving wife--(emphasis on the LOV-ing WIFE)

 

I'm still working on it!

 

That's a good alternative. It sang itself just like you emphasized when I read it.  :-)

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Posted (edited)

Well Patty, since you posted this and you're the lyricist, I'll aim both my barrels at you. :)  Maybe this would work better for me if it was sung by another female so that it came across as a sister-to-sister thing . . . maybe.  But anyway, to hear some guy singing this to some gal, I just can't help but think to myself, and I can't get past thinking: Who the hell is this guy?  Her gay male friend?  Her brother?  Her shrink?  And most significantly: Who is he to tell her anything?  Talk about "preachy."  There's no explanation anywhere of who this guys is.  For me, it matters, especially given the subject.  For me, it's just too big of a blank for me to fill in.  IF it was sung by another female, I would assume it was one of her friends.  I don't easily assume a male friend for a female though.  I assume every man has an agenda.  ;)

 

David

 

 

Edited by HoboSage
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HoboSage,  I agree with you that it should be sung by a female vocalist.  I just worked this up so we could get a tangible idea down to work out any details.   If it will help just think of me in a wig and a skirt while you're listening to it until we get a different vocalist. :lol:..and no, I'm not shaving my legs!!:w00t: Thanks and take care.

Moptop

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Well, just as I was about to say something like that, moptop beat me to it.  I love his voice and I guess we could have a guy-friend and a girl-friend, but yes, I originally wrote it for two women to be talking confidentially.

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50 minutes ago, moptop said:

I just worked this up so we could get a tangible idea down to work out any details.   If it will help just think of me in a wig and a skirt while you're listening to it until we get a different vocalist. :lol:..and no, I'm not shaving my legs!!:w00t: Thanks and take care.

Moptop

 

I'm supposed to be a mind reader?  f*ckin' smartass.  You're now on double-secret probation.

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Posted (edited)

It was NOT my intention to slam you or upset you in any way.  I was just trying to be funny and I realize that it's hard to convey that by text alone on a screen.  If it came across in a demeaning way I do apologize!  Please forgive me.

Edited by moptop

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Posted (edited)

Damn internet.  I guess I forgot to add a smiley face.  MY bad, and my apology.  I was making a funny too, moptop, hence my Animal House Dean Wormer reference to "double-secret probation." :)  Given your listed musical influences, I'll assume you're old enough to get it.  <heh-heh>

 

 

Edited by HoboSage
Correcting typo

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OK.  Here's the better idea for the first part of the chorus:

 

Girl, don't do it

Think about your life

(Are you) just somebody's lover

Or a loving wife?

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8 hours ago, HoboSage said:

Animal House

 

One of my all time favorites but I didn't remember the "double secret probation" line.  So we're good then?  Cool, I'm relieved!   And yes I'm an old guy.  Maybe that's why my humor is so out of touch with today. :P

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Posted (edited)

While I absolutely think that this is a fantastic song ... and, mind you, I don't say this too often ... I do think that this demo of it still could use some compositional improvement.

 

(But, first(!) of all, of course, "US Citizen that you are," you have already surfed to http://copyright.gov and paid your $35?  Yeah, of course you have. :ph34r:

 

(And if you haven't ... "go ahead, I'll wait.")  The lyrics and a simple lead-sheet will do nicely. (If you own the song, your licensee can hire "arrangers!")

 

- - - 

Meanwhile, the present arrangement.  For the purposes of being the best-possible demo ... with which you can pitch this song.

 

Frankly, "it's great, but it just never changes!"  Furthermore, especially after I've been exposed to it for a while, it kinda begins to feel ... "thick!"  Yeah, all the sonic-space is right there, all nicely filled-up, just(!) as it has been for all of the last several minutes.

 

So – think about any opportunities for variety in your musical presentation.  For example, let some of your [virtual ...] musicians "stand down(!)" for a phrase or two.  Let the next go-around of "the same verse" be accompanied by "something 'a little different.'"  Each "turn" of (especially ...) "the chorus" should be clearly(!) associated with every other previously-heard instance of "that same musical phrase," but ... "hey, go ahead and surprise me each time, pretty-please."

 

To my way of thinking, this is an excellent song that has a lot to say to a lot of people.  Secure the IP rights to it right now, and then may you have the best of luck in "pitching" it to those who – as we say – "can take it ($$$ ... ???) from here."

Edited by MikeRobinson
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On 6/7/2017 at 8:09 PM, HoboSage said:

 

I'm supposed to be a mind reader?  f*ckin' smartass.  You're now on double-secret probation.

 

Hey now. No reason to be upset. They are not pre-releasing an album version, they are posting ongoing rewrites for critiques and ideas. Therefore it's a good bet that they aren't finished in any aspect, and no mind-reading is required to understand that.

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Posted (edited)

I wasn't upset.  Please read what followed that post, Vara.  And for the record, your implied assertion that I should have assumed that a female singer might ultimately sing this when there was no indication whatsoever that was the case while there were repeated glowing remarks about the current male singer from the lyricist is, in my opinion, a ridiculous expectation.  That information should have been provided at the outset, don't you think?  If it had been, then I never would have made the comment I made expressing my misgivings about a male singer for this song in the first place, moptop wouldn't have responded with his humor, I wouldn't have replied with my humor, the temporary misunderstanding moptop and I had never would have happened, and you wouldn't have seen fit to butt in clueless about it all.  :)

 

*  I'm wondering now if this new bad-ass avatar Dek made for me is coloring perceptions of me. <heh-heh> 

 

 

 

 

Edited by HoboSage

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What?? I read and posted in the order of the thread. I expected you would understand that.

 

Like Moptop, I too was thrown by your post. I later saw your later correction. I expected that you would understand that sequence of events, and would therefore ignore my post. I certainly didn't expect you to call me out for calling you out due to your mistake.

 

Critique submissions are works in progress. Incongruities like a male voice singing a female lyric on a new song are something that the posters might already be aware of, and might intend to fix as time and opportunity permits. I didn't think it was "a ridiculous expectation" for you to understand that.

 

And I sure didn't expect you to call me "all clueless" for expecting you to be up to speed on that stuff.

 

If I should lower my expectations for you, then tell me, and I will. But I certainly don't recall needing to lower them for you in the past. I wonder if your "new bad-ass avatar" is coloring your perceptions of you.

 

Heh heh. I guess that's one more reason I'm happy to use my own picture.

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If you had read the later posts and understood, then my expectation is that you would have deleted or at least edited your post calling me out - something I wouldn't ignore anymore than you ignored me.  And, "clueless" was the wrong thing to say.  I apologize for not being more accurate.  I should have just said you're full of shit for thinking I should have been an "up to speed" mind reader and ignored you after that, which is what I'll do now because now I think you're acting like an internet troll looking to stir up trouble.  I hope you ignore me too, because this is not our thread.

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18 hours ago, MikeRobinson said:

While I absolutely think that this is a fantastic song ... and, mind you, I don't say this too often ...

Mike, that's a terrific response.  Thank you!  We are still collaborating on the finer points, but it's good to hear that this one resonated with you.

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I'm feeling a 'Jerry and the Pacemaker's' 70's vibe here.  Vocal not Jerry for sure but similar and definitely unique for 2017.  I think as a whole you've succeeded at what you went for with a few suggestions. Percussion is a bit canned and I'd like to hear a better attempt at them. Also the fill instrument riffs you may want to re-explore as they are a bit shallow. One plus is the melody and mood definitely fit the piece. 

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Nelson, thanks for the cudo's, very kind of you. I can only wish I could sing as good a Marsden. I do agree with you about the drum track.  I just used something generic and easy to get the project moving.  On the instruments, I can't play piano so I had to program those tracks a note at a time. I'm sure anyone who is well versed in keyboard could do much better at it. 

 

It's still a project in the works and we have a few changes we want to make.  That should be easier now that we have a "blueprint" to work with. 

 

Take care, moptop

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I really like the vocal, I just really like the singer's voice. 

 

I like the tune too, but I don't get so much from the words. I did skim through some comments, and for me I don't know that it's a boy/girl thing... I just felt like the tune and voice really needed some HIPPIE words. And I thought that the song dragged a little bit....but if the words felt like they should just drift along then I think I'd feel differently... So again it's the words. I'd rather hear it with some trippy or peace n love or drifting along in the sun or something just unusual...kind of words. And also I think the arrangement was slightly dull... I can imagine it being lifted with a lot of vocal harmonies, and maybe some unexpected sounds to make it a bit of a trip.

 

 

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Monostone,

 

Thanks for the comments.  I agree with you.  Moptop's voice is top-drawer.  

 

I don't see this with a hippie vibe.  It was written as a confidential heart-felt conversation---yes, between two women. Moptop was gracious enough to put it to music for me and that's how we discovered what a great vocalist he is.

 

 

Patty 

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Just to look at it from a different angle, I think the lyric might possibly work better if it was written in the me and myself perspective where she herself has had an affair or affairs in the past with serious consequences and she is now asking herself the question whether she should go down that road again.

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Yes, we talked quite a bit about that approach in this forum.  Agreed that it would be better as two songs.  This one, the "Advice" song and a different one as "the Confessional."  Still working on that one.

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I really liked this. Moptop's voice is so soothing and blends really well with the music. To me, it kind of sounded like a father giving some well-meaning advice to his daughter... though the usage of "girl" doesn't fit this equation... so, yes... there's a little confusion regarding the role played by the preacher.

The music is a little same-y throughout, but I still liked it being soft... again imagining a close father-daughter moment. I can't particularly imagine using huge dynamics in the song. Still, one can add more harmonies to bring in a little more colour. Also, the sound of the beat could have a slightly different texture... it sounds too simple.

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David's new badass avatar comes across as a blank to me......so I'm not sure what that means.....

Ok, I think the song is performed well, however, I do think it should be written for whomever the vocalist is.....if it's male, then maybe done with an aspect of don't do this and ruin our relationship.  if female, then maybe as sister-sister advice like David suggested.   I did feel a same-ness throughout the whole song and I felt my attention beginning to wander a bit after a couple of minutes.  Maybe a key change in the bridge to add a little for insistence or urgency to the sound?  just a thought. 

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Sreyashi Mukherjee:  Thank you for your comments. I agree that Moptop's voice is wonderful for this and it's a shame, because I think the song is best sung by a female vocalist.  I'll try to write something else for his voice because I like it so much.

 

JH Michaels:  Agree that there's a dissonance between the message and the messenger.  We're working on that. Thank you for commenting.

 

 

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