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Leo

Tiger Balm

16 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Hey folks,

Thanks for your critique.

Temporary name - song is not about tiger balm...

 

 

 

 

Tiger Balm

Calling all stations to gather your man and tell them to prepare for the worse,

The enemy's coming he knows where we're hiding our lines have already been crossed,

Our lines have already been crossed,

 

Take this dear minute, reflect on your choices, forgive everyone you have known,

You will all be heroes, when this is over, we'll say that you bravely fought,

We'll say that you bravely fought,

 

Now pick up a shovel, a stick or a stone, and stand up for the cause that remain,

For our faith has been handed but our minds are still free to act out the right scene till the end,

Act out the right scene till the end, act out the right scene till the end,

 

https://soundcloud.com/leosherman/tiger-balm

 

Edited by Leo

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Posted (edited)

Hey Leo, Its got a promising tone to it.  The mood is definitely there!  There's a bit of obscurity that lends to curiosity with the lyrics.  It leaves the listener wanting for more detail--I think it works here to leave out the detail.  I might consider calling it "Prep Talk" as it seems a commander preparing his troops for what lies ahead. "Prep" meaning short for preparation, sort of a play on pep talk, which here in the U.S.  is intended to build up a team, sort of psych them up for the "big game".  I'm curious how you came up with Tiger Balm, though, unless maybe its just a place holder name for identifying it from others in your records.  A couple of things, minor--please don't think its a pick on your English, which is great for a second language, Worse, change to worst.  man, change to men (the plural for man--you pronounce it correctly in the song--just needs to be changed on the lyric).  Remain, change to remains.  Lastly, the word bravely in English is two syllables-- brave (the "e" is silent/unheard.  English is wierd/inconsistent, but generally, e on the end of a word is there to tell you how to say the preceding vowel, it usually means its spoken like the sound of its name, but the E on the end of a word makes no sound itself, like so:

 

brav without the E (a nonsense word) would have the same A sound you hear in rat (what we call short a sound)

brave with the E, in this case is a silent E, whose job it to tell you that the preceding vowel says it's name. (A as in Ape--What we call the long A sound).

 

Pet without the E (an actual word this time) makes the short E sound (like in leg), but add an E onto that word and it becomes:

Pete (a person's name)-- the E is silent, but it tells you that the preceding vowel, the E, makes the long E sound as in See.

 

Bit without the E (an actual word) make the short I sound (like in tin) , but add and E onto that word and it becomes:

Bite (ouch!) -- the E silent, but it tells you that the preceding vowel, I, makes the long I sound as in Ice.

 

Mop without the E (an actual word) makes the short O sound (as in Dog), but add that E onto it and that word becomes:

Mope (which is a behavior when someone is bored or pouting) -- The E is silent, but it tells you that the preceding vowel, O, makes the sound of its name as in rose, what we call Long O sound.

I won't do U as it'll end up a long post.  What you need to know after all this is that, NOT ALWAYS, and that NOT ALWAYS can mean so many different pronunciations.  English is just a messed up language!  How many other languages do you know of that have to have it as a subject schools where its the native tongue?!  Crazy!  Anyway, tons of the exceptions to the rule, a language that's a bit of a melting pot of other languages, but it is helpful to know that general rule (if you didn't already know it).  Add an -ly to any of those words and I can see how it might confuse a non-native speaker.  You do great!  

 

You could say, "We'll say you courageously fought" (taking out the word, "that").  It will end up the syllable count you need.  Courageously is pronounce, Ku-ra-jus-lee (u as in up, a as in ape).  Some might disagree with that Ku as dialect plays into it some.

Edited by Pahchisme Plaid
Had to fix some things.
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I liked the feel of this. I agree that some of the spellings need looking at.

'We'll say that you bravely fought' didn't sound right to me. Maybe 'we'll say that you fought to the end' or something might be better.

 

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Aside from the pronunciation problems that other people have said, "act out the right scene till the end" sounded weird to me. What if you said "play out the part till the end"? It sounds good in my head..

Another thing, I was waiting for the sound to pick up and you add some alternative strumming. But I can see it both ways: a songs that drags in the most solemn way (almost like a funeral march) or one that ends up rejoicing at the end..

That being said, I was waiting for a section that was different from the others, waiting for the melody to not be so linear. Maybe you could try having the second section on a different base note, with added strumming? Or, keep all that you have, but just elongate some words...Something.

But, I do appreciate the song right now. It's just a matter of what you're trying to convey.  

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Posted (edited)

Give me a counter-story in between each verse.  Create a tension between them, such as "the voice of the opposition that this singer's point-of-view is opposing."

 

Create a ... story.

 

And, keep working this idea.  To my estimation you are (more than) halfway there ...

 

Edited by MikeRobinson
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Hey Pahchisme,

Thank you for your critique, I really appreciate it.

I like 'pep talk' as a title for the song I think it's a good contrast to the real subject.

I repaired my grammar mistakes and I really like the line with 'Courageously' instead of 'Bravely'.

 

Thanks for the lesson, and suggestions,

Leo

 

 

 

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On 16/06/2017 at 4:56 AM, Philjo said:

I liked the feel of this. I

agree that some of the spellings need looking at.

'We'll say that you bravely fought' didn't sound right to me. Maybe 'we'll say that you fought to the end' or something might be better.

 

 

Hey Philjo,

Thanks for that, I will fix the beejesus out of those mistakes.

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On 16/06/2017 at 5:26 AM, Jenn said:

Aside from the pronunciation problems that other people have said, "act out the right scene till the end" sounded weird to me. What if you said "play out the part till the end"? It sounds good in my head..

Another thing, I was waiting for the sound to pick up and you add some alternative strumming. But I can see it both ways: a songs that drags in the most solemn way (almost like a funeral march) or one that ends up rejoicing at the end..

That being said, I was waiting for a section that was different from the others, waiting for the melody to not be so linear. Maybe you could try having the second section on a different base note, with added strumming? Or, keep all that you have, but just elongate some words...Something.

But, I do appreciate the song right now. It's just a matter of what you're trying to convey.  

 

Hey Jenn,

Thanks for that,

I kinda' like 'act our scene' but I will give the line another look over.

I agree completely with your remarks on the sound. I will need to add more dynamic to the song.

 

Thanks again

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On 16/06/2017 at 7:05 AM, MikeRobinson said:

Give me a counter-story in between each verse.  Create a tension between them, such as "the voice of the opposition that this singer's point-of-view is opposing."

 

Create a ... story.

 

And, keep working this idea.  To my estimation you are (more than) halfway there ...

 

 

Hey Mike,

I think that's a great idea. I will try to work that in.

 

Cheers

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Posted (edited)

Revised lyrics.

18/6/17

 

 

Pep talk

Calling all stations to gather your men and tell them to prepare for the worst,

The enemy's coming he knows where we're hiding our lines have already been crossed,

Our lines have already been crossed,

 

Take this dear minute reflect on your choices forgive everyone you have known,

You will be heroes when this is over we'll say you courageously fought,

We'll say you courageously fought,

 

Now pick up a shovel, a stick or a stone, and stand for the cause that remains,

Our faith has been handed but our minds are free to act out our scene till the end,

To act out our scene till the end, act out our scene till the end,

 

Over the wire an ocean away a telegram boy moves his hands,

The words he is pumping were ‘here by’ dictated by men who have gone home to bed,

By men who have gone home to bed,

Edited by Leo
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Killer ending!

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Posted (edited)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telegram_messenger

 

I think you want to say telegraph operator - the one sending the message via telegraph.

Edited by HoboSage
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Hey again,

A new demo recording including the additional verse,

and some more minor adjustments to the lyrics.

Thank you all for your contribution.

 

 

Pep talk

Calling all stations to gather your men, and tell them to prepare for the worst,

the enemy's coming, he knows where we're hiding, our lines have already been crossed,

our lines have already been crossed,

 

Take this dear minute, reflect on your choices, forgive everyone you have known,

you will all be heroes, when this is over, we'll say you courageously fought,

we'll say you courageously fought,

 

Now pick up a shovel, a stick or a stone, and stand for the cause that remains,

our faith has been handed, but our minds are free, to act out our ideals till the end,

act out our ideals till the end,

 

Over the wire, an ocean away, a telegraph boy taps his hand,

the words he is pumping, were ‘here by’ dictated, by men who have gone home to bed,

by men who have gone home to bed,

 

 

 

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22 hours ago, Pahchisme Plaid said:

Killer ending!

 

Thanks mate,

 

On 16/06/2017 at 7:05 AM, MikeRobinson said:

Create a ... story.

 

Mike said...

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I'm listening to this song as I scroll through twitter and there are postings about London last night and other tragedies around the world. And this song made me feel that destruction and heartache. 

Besides improving production, I'm not sure what else you could do. Great job. 

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12 hours ago, Jenn said:

I'm listening to this song as I scroll through twitter and there are postings about London last night and other tragedies around the world. And this song made me feel that destruction and heartache. 

Besides improving production, I'm not sure what else you could do. Great job. 

 

I'm happy and sad to read that.

I'm sappy.

Thanks,

 

I apologize for my humor.

 

 

 

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