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John Craig

She Moves Me. By John Craig

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John Craig    19

V1     She moves me in so many different ways,                                                                

         always towards her, never pushes me away.                                                                        

         And her loving is constant as the ticking of the clock                                                             

         and though she never speaks of love she lets her body talk.

                                                

Ch.    And her night moves keep me dancing through the days,                                                                                                                                                                                   

         moving to the rhythm that her tender body sways to.                                                                                                                  

         And she holds me tight in case I won't come back,

         But if she lets me slip a little I take up the slack.

                                                                                                                                                                                                             

V2     Because she moves me like a piece upon the board,                                                      

         but guides me surely, with her every word.                                                            

         She seems to know what's good for me , seems to know what's right,                                                                                                                              

         a Queen who doesn't need a King because she's got her Knight.

 

Ch.   And her night moves keep me dancing through the days, 

        dancing to the rhythm that her tender body sways to.

         And she holds me tight unless I don't come back,

        But if she lets me slip a little I take up the slack.

 

Br,    And giving up my rough old ways has come so easily,

        I'm happy now to be the man that she wants me to be.  

 

V3   Because she moves me, lifts me up above the crowd,

       her loving of me, makes me feel so proud.

       And she never gives me put downs or casual ego knocks,

       she's my world, my everything and my world she rocks.

 

Ch.   And her night moves keep me dancing through the days,

        Dancing to the rhythm that her tender body sways to.

        And she holds me tight in case I don't come back,

        but if she lets me slip a little I take up the slack.  

Edited by John Craig
just a little spelling tidy up.
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HoboSage    1,932

The split page with continuations on the opposite side make this very difficult to read, John - at least for me.

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MikeRobinson    146

V3: forced rhyme.

 

Needs a bridge.

 

The song is too symmetrical, and the man's (singer's!) role in the exchange is too passive.  "(If) she lets me 'slip a little,' (then) I pick up the slack."  I suggest that you need a true "ABA"-type exchange to be going-on here, in the form of complementary sections that are "gracious to both partners," just as the existing parts are gracious to the woman, but without abandoning the man's point-of-view.  As in a most-excellent modern dance, first one partner then the other "takes the lead" in their demonstration of a mutually respectful and mutually satisfying love relationship that is shared by both.  Neither partner seeks to dominate, but neither partner is along for the ride.  An excellent song of mature, true, love ("not merely sex").

 

- - - 

The sense of "symmetry" should not be altogether lost, because this is a strong element which ties the song together.  Take your time to move an already very-fine song into the stratosphere that only long-time lovers know.

Edited by MikeRobinson

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Philjo    30

I'm a fan of this too although I agree that the guy seems to be a bit passive as mentioned above.

Verse 3 went a little astray for me.

'Her loving of me' doesn't sound natural.

'Casual go knocks' I didn't understand. Unless its just a saying I haven't heard before.

'And my world she rocks' doesn't sound natural either.

But still a good write of the romantic variety.

Phil.

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John Craig    19

Many thanks for the input guys, all of it pertinent.  Firstly, "casual EGO knocks" probably would look better ( I've been fighting this bloody keyboard for quite some time)

No.2  'and my world she rocks' agree this looks pretty vapid and I'm sure it's been done before, so looking to modify.

No.3   Is the guy too 'passive' ? He's 'giving up his rough old ways' balances with her 'she holds me tight in case I don't come back' , so she's not too sure of her place in their  relationship. He may in fact have the upper hand, but is happy to trade it in.

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Leo    38

Hey John,

I really enjoyed your song, I like the flow, and the imagery.

it reads like how you feel when you're in-love 'head over feet'.

The only line that held up the flow, for me was:

15 hours ago, John Craig said:

And her night moves keep me dancing through the days, 

It kind of threw me off when ever I read it.

 

Thanks

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Ray888    159

I think this is a good write John, I like it as it is with the corrected "casual EGO knocks" line and all the rest made perfect sense to me. 

I'd love to hear the melody you put to this. Well done. :001_smile:

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John Craig    19

Once again my thanks for looking.

Leo, I have to admit to plagiarism. A Bob Seger number uses the 'night moves' phrase IIRC. but hey! don't think Bob would be too pissed off at me.

Ray, It's just a little pop/rock number, if it's a bit cheesey I can live with it. thanks for your adjudication.

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Patty Lakamp    41

Nice lyrics.  I have just a few little nits:

On 6/26/2017 at 9:35 AM, John Craig said:

   moving to the rhythm that her tender body sways to.        

Since the rhyming word is "sways," how about: 

Moving to the rhythm as her tender body sways

 

On 6/26/2017 at 9:35 AM, John Craig said:

       her loving of me, makes me feel so proud.

agree with Philjo on "her loving of me"

 

On 6/26/2017 at 9:35 AM, John Craig said:

     she's my world my everything and my world she rocks.

the backwards construction is a stumbling block.

 

On 6/26/2017 at 9:35 AM, John Craig said:

Br,    And giving up my rough old ways has come so easily,

        I'm happy now to be the man that she wants me to be.  

I like the bridge.

 

It would be nice if the chorus included the title.  There are a lot of references to move/moves/moving, but I don't think I'd remember the title if I just heard this song a few times.

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John Craig    19

Thanks for the input Patty.

Nit No.1  He's getting through the day on the 'memories' of her. They are not together. The way she walks and moves are embedded in his mind.

Nit No.2 I'm quite happy with.

Nit NO.3 I agree, more than a stumbling block. STUCK.

Song Title is weak, needs some thought.

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Philjo    30

Re 'Nit No. 3 how about -

She's my world, my everything , my tick and my tock.

That would echo the 'ticking of the clock' in verse 1. 

 

Or - 

She's my world, my everything, my lock and my stock - I left out the barrel!

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John Craig    19
3 hours ago, Philjo said:

Re 'Nit No. 3 how about -

She's my world, my everything , my tick and my tock.

That would echo the 'ticking of the clock' in verse 1. 

 

Or - 

She's my world, my everything, my lock and my stock - I left out the barrel!

Now you're triggering my imagination again.

                                                                      John.

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Lisa Gates    226
5 hours ago, John Craig said:

Thanks for the input Patty.

Nit No.1  He's getting through the day on the 'memories' of her. They are not together. The way she walks and moves are embedded in his mind.

Nit No.2 I'm quite happy with.

Nit NO.3 I agree, more than a stumbling block. STUCK.

Song Title is weak, needs some thought.

John, I like all the advice your getting here and I'm surprised that we have no "But Nazis" or "And Nazis" jumping in. Your song is peppered with Buts and Ands that aren't all necessary are they? I do like the Chorus starting with And. I can really feel a relaxed lead in to it with that way of entering the chorus.

Now, when you mention the song title is weak I have to jump in! You use the title in each verse and that is a "refrain" right? FYI the title is what grabbed me to come look at your lyrics...

As a true romantic, I completely understood and pictured quite clearly How "her night moves keep me dancing through the days,"

I do like your lyrics very much and this has been my two cents. :thumbsup2:

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Timbre    151

Hi, John.

 

Some nice elements here. I agree with Lisa that your hook is in a strong enough position to support the song title, but the phrasing used in performing it would need to emphasize it so it doesn't get swallowed up by the rest of the line. I'm drawn to that title because it reminds me of the song "She Still Moves Me" by Dan Seals. If you don't know it, it might be worth a listen to get an example of where I'm coming from with my phrasing comment. It's a somewhat different set up b/c the hook is in the chorus, rather than the verses like you have it, but good example of who to showcase a hook that's more sweetly evocative than the usual hook that packs a punch.

 

I thought the verses could be tightened up a bit in terms of choosing one analogy for each verse and developing it so the whole verse hangs together. V1 had a few different images going on. V2 had a chess analogy, except for the 3rd line. V3 had the "above the crowd" image that work with "not putting down" so that might be tweaked some more.

 

Love the first line of the chorus with it's nod to Seger. For me it also reads with the most ease and lyricism. The downside to a smooth line is that it really plays up the awkwardness of some of the other lines that have been pointed out. 

On 6/26/2017 at 0:35 PM, John Craig said:

And she holds me tight in case I won't come back,

         But if she lets me slip a little I take up the slack.

These lines in the chorus read as a bit forced and not quite as lyrical as that first line, but I like the idea that is being communicated.

 

On 6/26/2017 at 0:35 PM, John Craig said:

Br,    And giving up my rough old ways has come so easily,

        I'm happy now to be the man that she wants me to be.  

I thought the bridge would be stronger with a shorter cadence that contrasted more with the longer lines of verse and chorus and maybe a bit of tension between past and present, for example:

Giving up my rough old ways wasn't easy

Now I'm finally the man she sees in me

 

Enjoyed it. ~T

 

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snabbu    437

 

 

Hi

 

The song has no tension and release except where you do the false cadence. The rest is all release no tension. So its going to drag

The rhymes are all perfect. The verse is AABB except where the rhyme inconsistency appears in verse one. Except for the false cadence which I like the chorus is also

AABB, the bridge is AA.

 

You have some good images in there. In every verse there is something to give more weight to the chorus. Again good technique.

Verse 2 stays well on metaphor message. I'm not sure about "taking up the slack."

 

So overall there are a lot of good things but the parts are all the same there is no structural difference.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

Edited by snabbu

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John Craig    19

Many thanks for the input and time taken to look folks. Been away for a couple of weeks and just dipping my toes in the water again. Couple of quick notes on this effort is that title could well be "Night Moves". Good enough for Bob Seager, good enough for me. This OK with you  Patty ?

Timbre I'm seeing the bridge as slowed right down in tempo, more or less spoken. Agree the V2 chess analogy could be bettered. The chorus's "slipping and taking up the slack" suggest what I think most  folk 'tied together' any worthwhile relationship resort to. 

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