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These are some funk/rnb/fusion lyrics I wrote. I'd be thankful for any critique (tear me apart!). English is not my native language and it probably shows in my lyrics. I want to improve that.

 

(A)

He knows he has a habit

But he doesn't care

He slings enough product

And has the money to share

 

He never sleeps himself,

Doesn't mind to pay

He makes it rain in the club

And snow in LA

 

(B)

He's a vice kinda guy

Always up for a good time

Yeah, a vice kinda guy

And everything's just fine

 

He's a vice kind of guy

Can't say no to an invite

He's a vice kind of guy

And everything's alright 

 

(C)

But when the sun rises

And the DJ goes home

When his friends scatter

Leaving him all alone

When there is nothing to take 

And no one to call

These thoughts start rolling in

He isn't happy at all

 

(Instrumental riff)

 

(A)

She loves her body

And those of others

So why not use what go gave her

To make some copper

 

Never has to go home alone

As long as she's in the mood

And has party favours at hand

To forget if she's not

 

She loves her body

And those of others

Why not make some money

under the covers

 

Never has to go home alone

As long as she’s willing

Takes party favors if not

Her guy takes care of the billing

 

(B)

She's a vice kinda girl

Always up for a good time

Yeah, a vice kinda girl

And everything's just fine

 

She's a vice kind of girl

Can't say no to an invite

She's a vice kind of girl

And everything's alright 

 

(C)

But when the sun rises

And the DJ goes home

When her friends scatter

Leaving her all alone

When there is nothing to take 

And no one to call

These thoughts start rolling in

She isn't happy at all

 

(Instrumental riff)

Edited by WoodwindBlues

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33 minutes ago, WoodwindBlues said:

These are some funk/rnb/fusion lyrics I wrote. I'd be thankful for any critique (tear me apart!). English is not my native language and it probably shows in my lyrics. I want to improve that.

 

[A]

He knows he has a habit

But he doesn't care

He slings enough product

And has the money to share

 

He never sleeps himself,

Doesn't mind to pay

He makes it rain in the club

And snow in LA

 

 

He's a vice kinda guy

Always up for a good time

Yeah, a vice kinda guy

And everything's just fine

 

He's a vice kind of guy

Can't say no to an invite

He's a vice kind of guy

And everything's alright 

 

[C]

But when the sun rises

And the DJ goes home

When his friends scatter

Leaving him all alone

When there is nothing to take 

And no one to call

These thoughts start rolling in

He isn't happy at all

 

(Instrumental riff)

 

[A]

She loves her body

And those of others

So why not use what go gave her

To make some copper

 

Never has to go home alone

As long as she's in the mood

And has party favours at hand

To forget if she's not

 

 

He's a vice kinda guy

Always up for a good time

Yeah, a vice kinda guy

And everything's just fine

 

She's a vice kind of girl

Can't say no to an invite

She's a vice kind of girl

And everything's alright 

 

[C]

But when the sun rises

And the DJ goes home

When her friends scatter

Leaving her all alone

When there is nothing to take 

And no one to call

These thoughts start rolling in

She isn't happy at all

 

(Instrumental riff)

Your English is fine.  The lyrics have a good rhythm to them.  The section that comes in, "She loves her body and those of others..." abruptly enters in another gender, while the pre-chorus reference remains, "he", then the alternate chorus reverts back to "she".  It disturbs the flow considerably.  In addition, your entry verse and succeeding sections up to that point have solid exact rhymes setting up an expectation of that to continue.  "Others" and "copper" are inconsistent with the exact rhyming you established.  It's possible with careful consideration that

you might be able to somehow smooth that transition or work that part as a bridge for your song.

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11 minutes ago, Pahchisme Plaid said:

Your English is fine.  The lyrics have a good rhythm to them.  The section that comes in, "She loves her body and those of others..." abruptly enters in another gender, while the pre-chorus reference remains, "he", then the alternate chorus reverts back to "she".  It disturbs the flow considerably.  In addition, your entry verse and succeeding sections up to that point have solid exact rhymes setting up an expectation of that to continue.  "Others" and "copper" are inconsistent with the exact rhyming you established.  It's possible with careful consideration that

you might be able to somehow smooth that transition or work that part as a bridge for your song.

Thanks for the input.

The "He" in the second pre chorus was an oversight on my part so I edited that out.

I agree, the rhymes in the second verse are something I should revisit. 

Edited by WoodwindBlues

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Philjo    30

Hi,

I think this is well written.

I would maybe change 'money to share' to spare. Dealers dont share their money!

 

And maybe:

She loves her body 

Its a show stopper     

Why not use what God gave   

To make a few coppers    

 

She never sits alone    

Always in demand   

If she ever needs a drink 

Some guy is close at hand   

 

Or something similar! 

Feel free to ignore.

Phil.

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MikeRobinson    146

To my way of thinking, while reading this lyric, this basically-good idea is lacking some theme and continuity.  So, let me just give you "my first-thoughts from my first-reading," and leave it at that:

  • The first section is excellent.  "Makes it rain in the club and snow in LA."
  • The second section is still weak.  Having introduced the character in such a powerful way, it simply won't do to then say that "he has his personal doubts about himself."  (Hell, we all do!)  The "counter-point of-view" that must be delivered by this section ... must be as powerful and as decisive as the first.
  • (IMHO ...) "It simply doesn't work, as is," to spend the next two sections introducing "a girl," even though you obviously intend to create a contrast.

If you want to do that, you need to insert a new verse at the beginning of the story which foreshadows the two characters.

 

And, the two characters must be different.

 

Furthermore, the "final payload" must not be that "both(!) of their lives actually don't mean a damned thing." 

 

A far better approach to this two-part story would be to devise the female character's world-view to be complementary and contrasting to the male's, and to base that contrast upon something other than(!) "pheromone appeal." :)  As you have so-well defined the male character, now devote equal attention to his counterpart.  

 

Finally, "flambe' the resulting layer-cake" with a tantalizing, two-line "tag line" that suggests(!) what is about to happen next, as these two "equally strongly self-motivated" characters are ... as you imply(!) ... surely headed on a collision course with one another.  (Do they make out like little rabbits, or do they kill each other?  We'll never know, but we'll sure speculate!)

 

Edited by MikeRobinson

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snabbu    436

Hi

I think phil suggestions were good ones and I agree with them. PP pointed out that you have gender inconsistencies in the second half of the song

and that you have a rhyme scheme consistency issue. Those need to be fixed. 

Your structure is you have a two stanza verse, a two stanza pre chorus then a chorus. The verses and pre are fairly stable the chorus is a bit stable as well so for

contrast you could destabilise the chorus a little to make "he isn't happy at all" sit out there and feel very sad. 

Rhyme and stress and pace analysis of the chorus shows a rhyme scheme of XAXAXBXB  the line lengths go 2 2 2 3  2 2 3 2 ( note line length is dictated by the number of naturally stressed syllable, not the actual number of syllables) 

 

Analysis:

But when the sun rises (2) X

And the DJ goes home (2) A

When his friends scatter (2) X

Leaving him all alone (3) A

When there is nothing to take (2) X

And no one to call (2) B

These thoughts start rolling in (3) X

He isn't happy at all (2) B

 

Now several things. Contrast in all art is good so to get contrast tension and release into a song you need to structure some parts of your song as stable and others as unstable.

Even number of lines =stable

Even line lengths = stable 

Even rhyme scheme = stable

Perfect rhymes = Stable

The opposite of this is of course unstable. Which is what this need to be.

Pace: At the moment the song slows down on lines 4 and 7. Line seven is ok to slow down because what follows is the hook and that will be emphasised by the pace.

The other statement in here that is strong and could be emphasised is " leaving him all alone" but for that to happen line two would need to be a longer one. I'm not too worried about the pace at the moment as the chorus needs changes for instability. 

Theres a couple of split statements in there as well lines starting with and they are not bad ones but they are there.

 

If I remove those first I have this

 

But when the sun rises and the DJ goes home  (4) A

When his friends scatter leaving him  alone (5) A

When there is nothing to take and no one to call (4) B

These thoughts start rolling in (3) X

He isn't happy at all (2) B

 

This now is a little unstable. It is not a perfect solution because for hook emphasis the further away from the hook the rhyme partner is the

more tension you create in this case there is only one line between them. The perfect place for the call line is line one. There is a "but" and a these  in there which are filler words as well. So reordering the lines for hook emphasis I get this.

 

When there is nothing to take and no one to call (4) A

When  friends scatter leaving him  alone (5) B

When the sun rises and the DJ goes home  (4) B

Thoughts start rolling in (3) X

He isn't happy at all (2) A

 

Now it's getting there your expecting an A rhyme at line four and when that doesn't happen it ups the tension. The resolution to the rhyme is four lines apart, and as a bonus there is this cool when thing happening at the opening of the lines, which to me add weight to the hook. 

 

If you have access to drum loops you should chant this too a loop you will then feel the emotion created by the instability you will feel how it fits with the content of the words.

What you will be hearing is prosody. The meaning and feeling of the words are saying the same thing.

Then they are believable. If you do this and get to feel the difference then you will be able to do it again and again.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

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Thanks so much for your feedback, this is amazing! I actually rewrote the verse for the girl before I saw the last two posts:

 

She loves her body

And those of others

Why not make some money

under the covers

 

Never has to go home alone

As long as she’s willing

Takes party favours if not

Her guy takes care of the billing

 

This at least improves the rhyme quality, but I will have to go over the whole text again trying to incorporate the feedback.

 

Thanks!

WB

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Patty Lakamp    41

This is an intriguing lyric.  My comments:

 

On 7/4/2017 at 9:18 AM, WoodwindBlues said:

(A)

He knows he has a habit

But he doesn't care

He slings enough product

And has the money to share

I agree with the comment about "share."  You could change it to   "And has money to spare."  Oops!  I see Philjo already said that!

 

On 7/4/2017 at 9:18 AM, WoodwindBlues said:

He never sleeps himself,

Doesn't mind to pay

He makes it rain in the club

And snow in LA

I like this verse except for L2.  That's not a normal way to say it in English.  We'd say "Doesn't mind paying."  But that won't work here, so maybe you could come up with a different rhyme for "pay," or a different beginning to the line:  "He's happy to pay."

 

On 7/4/2017 at 9:18 AM, WoodwindBlues said:

She loves her body

And those of others

Why not make some money

under the covers

L2 seems rather stilted for this lyric.  You could say "Shares it with others."

L4  "under the covers" sounds out of place here.  It conveys a rather snuggly image rather than a transaction, which is more what you're saying.

On 7/4/2017 at 9:59 AM, Pahchisme Plaid said:

But when the sun rises

And the DJ goes home

When his friends scatter

Leaving him all alone

When there is nothing to take 

And no one to call

These thoughts start rolling in

He isn't happy at all

Each time I read this chorus, I stumble on the word "friends."  These people aren't his friends.  They're customers, other partiers, whatever, but you've indicated that he doesn't really have FRIENDS. So perhaps a different word here would hammer that home.

 

On 7/4/2017 at 9:18 AM, WoodwindBlues said:

(B)

She's a vice kinda girl

Always up for a good time

Yeah, a vice kinda girl

And everything's just fine

I may be the outlier here, but I don't think introducing the female counterpart adds anything to the lyric. I'd rather see further development of the man...how did he get this way/does he want to change/ can he, etc.  Alternatively, if you could connect their stories in a clever way, that would make more sense to me.  Right now, it's two unrelated stories.

 

Hope these comments are helpful.  This lyric has real potential.

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