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Leo

Losing out on you (previously repetition)

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Leo    44

Hey,

Here are some lyrics to a new song I'm working on.

Your critique is mostly appreciated , thanks,

 

Repetition

Try, it’s better when the sun turns off and,

Hides, the imperfections tells me it is,

Fine, to spit out all those li-ttle lies,

 

Sound, of heartbeat pumping through my veins that,

Drowns, the intentions that I had for what a,

Clown, what have you done now,

 

I think I see a chance,

Avoiding my request,

To join me in a dance for two,

 

So bright it hurts the eyes,

I’m sick cause I know why,

It is I’m losing out on you,

 

Lines, that play out in my deeply worried,

Mind, to never miss a beat as you step,

Out, to those vultures circling, above,

 

Part, of every thing I feel there is a,

doubt, if any of it’s real right from the,

Start, of ever being me,

 

I think I see a chance,

Avoiding my request,

To join me in a dance for two,

 

So bright it hurts the eyes,

I’m sick cause I know why,

It is that I am losing you,

Edited by Leo

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Leo    44

Change of title, some lyrics and a new Demo (early stage).

all comments are appreciated.

 

https://soundcloud.com/leosherman/losing-out-on-you

 

 

Losing out on you

Try, it’s better when the sun turns off and,

Hides, the imperfections tells me that its,

Fine, to spit-out all those li-ttle lies,

 

Sound, of heartbeat pumping through my veins that,

Drowns, the intentions that I had for what a,

Clown, what have you done now,

 

I think I see a chance,

Avoiding my request,

To join me in a dance for two,

 

So bright it hurts the eyes,

Feel sick cause I know why,

It is I’m losing out on you,

 

Lines, that play out in my deeply worried,

Mind, to never miss a beat as you step,

Up, to those vultures circling, above,

 

At heart, of everything I write there is a,

doubt, if any of it’s real right from the,

Start, of ever being here,

 

I think I see a chance,

Avoiding my request,

To join me in a dance for two,

 

So bright it hurts the eyes,

Feel sick cause I know why,

It is I’m losing out on you,

 

Edited by Leo
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Jenn    249

"li-ttle" -- I would carry the liiiiiiiii part, and maybe go down the scale and then back to ttle. Breaking it up sounds weird

"what have you done now" -- I think you should hold out the now and go up the scale so it leads into the chorus

The chords during the chorus are really weird...Maybe slightly out of tune? There's just this one weird note in it..

 

"It is I’m losing out on you" -- I would change this to "I know I'm losing out on you" to reconfirm what you know

 

During the last verse, I would do some harmonies! especially on part, doubt, and start. 

 

But overall I really love the feel of the song.. And of course these are just my suggestions

 

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Leo    44
3 minutes ago, Jenn said:

"li-ttle" -- I would carry the liiiiiiiii part, and maybe go down the scale and then back to ttle. Breaking it up sounds weird

"what have you done now" -- I think you should hold out the now and go up the scale so it leads into the chorus

The chords during the chorus are really weird...Maybe slightly out of tune? There's just this one weird note in it..

 

"It is I’m losing out on you" -- I would change this to "I know I'm losing out on you" to reconfirm what you know

 

During the last verse, I would do some harmonies! especially on part, doubt, and start. 

 

But overall I really love the feel of the song.. And of course these are just my suggestions

 

 

Hey Jen,

Thanks for the comments.

I will try your singing notes, they sound spot on.

 

Not sure about the "I know I'm losing you". just because there is a 'know' in the previous line.

I will give that all segment some thought.

 

I play a slightly out of harmony chord in the chorus. It's intentional,

but I would love to get more opinions on weather that works there.....     or not.

 

Thanks again, 

 

 

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Jenn    249
7 minutes ago, Leo said:

 

Not sure about the "I know I'm losing you". just because there is a 'know' in the previous line.

I will give that all segment some thought.

 

 

Yeah, I saw that.. but I think in this case it would work. 

Cause you're kind of making a remorseful statement of denial... and there are so many ways to "know" things... I don't know. 

Feel sick cause I know why,

I know I’m losing out on you,

.. they have different meanings to me

 

but yeah! Just my take on it :)

Edited by Jenn
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Leo    44

Point taken,

 

I'll try it out.

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Hey Leo,

 

This is a very interesting style! I like it as it is in almost all the places. Just a few suggestions for a few lines, if they seem to make sense of to you:

 

1) "Clown, what have you done now" - Clown, I turn myself into now

 

2) "Avoiding my request" - Of/You (any one) avoiding my request

 

3) "So bright it hurts the eyes" - So harsh it hurts the eyes

 

4) "It is I’m losing out on you" - I’m losing out on you

 

5) "Up, to those vultures circling, above" - Closer, to those vultures circling, above

 

Best of luck!

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Timbre    157

Hi, Leo.

 

Cool phrasing with each line spilling over into the next. My suggestion would be to not carry that same style into the chorus to give more contrast between verse and chorus.

 

I also like the new hook/ title but I think it gets steppd on a bit with the lead in "It is". I thin the hook can stand on its own in that last line--much cleaner and more stark that way.  -T

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Leo    44
On 17/07/2017 at 6:33 AM, Timbre said:

Hi, Leo.

 

Cool phrasing with each line spilling over into the next. My suggestion would be to not carry that same style into the chorus to give more contrast between verse and chorus.

 

I also like the new hook/ title but I think it gets steppd on a bit with the lead in "It is". I thin the hook can stand on its own in that last line--much cleaner and more stark that way.  -T

 

Hey Timbre,

Thanks for your comments.

To me the chorus doesn't spill over like the verse,

could you give an example on what you mean/would change.

I agree the "it is" wasn't working very well, I'm trying on for size replacing it with I know as @Jenn suggested.

So it reads as follow:

Losing out on you

Try, it’s better when the sun turns off and,

Hides, the imperfections tells me that it's fine,

To spit-out all those li-ttle lies,

 

Sound, of heartbeat thumping through my veins that,

Drowns, the intentions that I had for what a clown,

What have you done now,

 

I think I see a chance,

Avoiding my request,

To join me in a dance for two,

 

So bright it hurts the eyes,

Feel sick cause I know why,

I know I’m losing out on you,

 

Lines, that play out in my deeply worried,

Mind, to never miss a beat as you step out,

To those vultures circling, above,

 

Part, of everything I write there is a,

doubt, if any of it’s real right from the start,

Of ever being here,

 

I think I see a chance,

Avoiding my request,

To join me in a dance for two,

 

So bright it hurts the eyes,

Feel sick cause I know why,

I know I’m losing out on you,

 

https://soundcloud.com/leosherman/losing-out-on-you

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Leo    44
On 12/07/2017 at 3:30 PM, Sreyashi Mukherjee said:

Hey Leo,

 

This is a very interesting style! I like it as it is in almost all the places. Just a few suggestions for a few lines, if they seem to make sense of to you:

 

1) "Clown, what have you done now" - Clown, I turn myself into now

 

2) "Avoiding my request" - Of/You (any one) avoiding my request

 

3) "So bright it hurts the eyes" - So harsh it hurts the eyes

 

4) "It is I’m losing out on you" - I’m losing out on you

 

5) "Up, to those vultures circling, above" - Closer, to those vultures circling, above

 

Best of luck!

 

Hey Sreyashi,

Thanks again :)

 

1. The line you suggested doesn't sit well for me on the melody,

Perhaps i'm not singing it the way you hear it.

2. To me, it is the chance that is 'avoiding my request'.

3. The song is about performing. Or more so, about missing out by not performing. 

So 'bright lights' refers to stage lights. Also my pronunciation is a bit dodgy on the 'H's, so it's easier for me to sing 'bright'.

4. I really like @Jenn's proposal: 

11 minutes ago, Leo said:

I know I’m losing out on you,

 

As she explained:

On 10/07/2017 at 1:09 PM, Jenn said:

Cause you're kind of making a remorseful statement of denial... and there are so many ways to "know" things... I don't know. 

Feel sick cause I know why,

I know I’m losing out on you,

.. they have different meanings to me

 

5.Iv'e changed the line a little. what do you think of it now?

 

Thanks again,

Leo

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On 7/8/2017 at 1:07 AM, Leo said:

 

I think I see a chance,

Avoiding my request,

To join me in a dance for two,

 

So bright it hurts the eyes,

I’m sick cause I know why,

It is I’m losing out on you,

I haven't yet listened (I will).  On reading the lyrics, here's a suggestion:

 

Thought I'd take a chance

you evaded my request

to join me in a dance or two

 

So bright you hurt my eyes

I'm sick and I know why

I'm losing out on you.

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Timbre    157
On 8/2/2017 at 2:29 AM, Leo said:

Feel sick cause I know why,

I know I’m losing out on you,

Hi, Leo.

 

It was mainly the former last line leading into the hook: The break between "I know why" and "it is, I'm losing . . ." had that spillover quality. In the edit the repetition of I know does the job of starting a new phrase rather than spilling over, but it still has the same problem imho of stepping on the hook. It's a simple but powerful hook--don't clutter it up :) I really think the hook lands beautifully without the extra words.

 

~T

 

 

 

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