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Philjo

Parallel Lies

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Philjo    30

No it's not Blondie! (older readers only!)

 

Parallel Lies: 

She suffers her husband
You tolerate your wife
Smuggle smiles to each other
When the time isn't right 

 

You should be together
But fate's wall is tall
You share your frustrations
In hushed late-night calls 

 

(Ch)
You're lost in bittersweet deceit
Dreaming dreams you can't complete
Side by side while longing to entwine
Out of your minds, living parallel lies 

 

Must think of the children
So stick to your parts
Act like you're not hurting
When the pain's off the charts 

 

Coming clean seems so easy
No more need for pretence
This is driving you crazy
Sometimes love makes no sense 

 

(Ch)
You're lost in bittersweet deceit
Dreaming dreams you can't complete
Side by side while longing to entwine
Out of your minds, living parallel lies 

 

(Br)
You're star-crossed lovers
Reaching over the divide
Wishing this had happened
In another place and time 

 

(Ch)
You're lost in bittersweet deceit
Dreaming dreams you can't complete
Side by side while longing to entwine
Out of your minds, living parallel lies 

 

© P. Jones
 

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Peggy    380

Hi Philjo,

 

Great title!! I did think of Blondie ;)

 

Reading a few times.  There's "distant" emotions which works well with parallel lies.

 

But something about the 4 lines verse, chorus, and bridge that has me wanting some more variation in flow among the parts.  Of course, not sure if or what melody you had in mind so just a read. 

Really like the chorus. Bittersweet deceit is a good hook, too.

A couple of quick suggestions. 

9 hours ago, Philjo said:

We're/they're we are lost in bittersweet deceit

Side by side
Dreaming dreams we can't complete
Out of our minds

living parallel lies 

                 And then maybe add

Bittersweet deceit 

 

Going to think about it more. Thinking maybe part of it is POV that may be getting me. She, you,  you're...

:)

Peggy

 

Thinking title.

"Bittersweet deceit" is pretty good too ;)

 

Just thoughts

Edited by Peggy

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Philjo    30

I did think about the perspective and went with an outside view rather than 'we' and 'i' as I thought that meant they'd be saying this to each other when they already know the situation or to someone else when it's a secret relationship. 

And I did fiddle with the chorus. Maybe it needs a further fiddle!

Thanks for reading.

Phil.

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Peggy    380
8 hours ago, Philjo said:

I did think about the perspective and went with an outside view rather than 'we' and 'i' as I thought that meant they'd be saying this to each other when they already know the situation or to someone else when it's a secret relationship. 

And I did fiddle with the chorus. Maybe it needs a further fiddle!

Thanks for reading.

Phil.

Yay, I thought about that, too. Went back and forth on it. Was the "you" looking from the outside as an observer or "you" looking inward, whoever  that is. Thought it was more an inward because observer would need to be pretty close. Just thoughts. 

Nice going, anyhow.

:)

Peggy

 

Edited by Peggy
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Patty Lakamp    41

I really like this.  Parallel lines is a great title and concept!

 

If you're playing with "we" or "you" in the chorus, does that make you want to play with the pronouns in the lyric, too?
I suffer my husband/you tolerate your wife?

We share our frustrations in hushed late-night calls...etc?

 

Either way, I like "we" in the chorus.  It's more intimate.

 

Really great lyric!

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snabbu    437

Hi Phil 

great song idea some killer lines. 

I am with Peggy the structure is wrong with all four line parts I feel the chorus should be wtiien like this

(Ch)
You're lost in bittersweet deceit
Dreaming dreams you can't complete
Side by side while longing to entwine
Out of your minds,

living parallel lies

 

so that is imeadiately less stable.

 

the bridge is not bringing anything new and you might like to think of another image that will add to the story I feel the cliche star crossed is weak there.

 

good  write focussed and some great rhymes.

 

cheers

 

 

Gary

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Patty Lakamp    41

(Ch)
You're lost in bittersweet deceit
Dreaming dreams you can't complete
Side by side while longing to entwine
Out of your minds,

living parallel lies

 

(Ch)
You're lost in bittersweet deceit
Dreaming dreams you can't complete
Side by side while longing to entwine
Out of your minds, living parallel lies 

 

Perhaps this is is a really stupid question, but when the lyrics are sung, what is the difference between these two choruses?

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MikeRobinson    146

Quite honestly ...

  • I think that the concept of "Parallel Lies" is absolutely killer.

The lyrical devicealone, caused me to "click on this particular thread."  ("Parallel Lines ... Parallel Lies")

  • But "the subsequent implementation," so far, "is not there yet."

If I may bluntly suggest:  "at this (too early) stage in the creative process, you are tied too-strong to couplets, to lyric structure, and to rhyme."  All of which is getting in the way of your message ... of the very-powerful thing that this song idea could do.

 

One possibility would be to try to write a couple of paragraphs (not verses ... not yet ...) from each character's point of view.  Why exactly does each of them perceive the situation as consisting of "lies," and in what way are those lies "parallel?"  Now, try to condense each of those paragraphs into the most-potent possible form, considering only the respective speaker's point-of-view.

 

(For the moment ... "screw 'rhyme,' 'couplets,' and/or 'structure!'")

 

Once you've got those conflicting views (of the same situation) crystal-clear expressed, and then condensed, maybe a new and fantastic poem/lyric will naturally suggest itself.

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snabbu    437
19 hours ago, Patty Lakamp said:

(Ch)
You're lost in bittersweet deceit
Dreaming dreams you can't complete
Side by side while longing to entwine
Out of your minds,

living parallel lies

 

(Ch)
You're lost in bittersweet deceit
Dreaming dreams you can't complete
Side by side while longing to entwine
Out of your minds, living parallel lies 

 

Perhaps this is is a really stupid question, but when the lyrics are sung, what is the difference between these two choruses?

Hi Patty

No questions are stupid.

It totally modifies what the music will do. 

In the original version the chorus will most probably be 8 bars long.

In the five line version it will probably be 10 bars long.

The line lengths instead of being an even four will accelerate towards the back going 4,4,2,2

The extra space created will allow for some back heavy phrasing which will alter the emotional feel.

The chord sequence will most probably contain an extra chord or maybe two although that depends on the melody.

 

Obviously if you used the same melody as was created using the four line version and just wrote it down differently 

there would be no difference.

 

The point is the lyric structure in lyrics first songs determines the melodic structure, and that structure has to

support the lyric content. 

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

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Patty Lakamp    41

Thanks, Snabbu,

 

This really helps.  I often start with lyrics only, and have wondered about this exact thing.  So what you're saying is, if I want some "room" in the latter part of the chorus, I can indicate that by the number of lines I use to present the same words.  Do I have it?

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Philjo    30

Hi Peggy, 

I see what you mean about I/we thing. I suppose it could work either way. I thought an outside observer might work better so as they aren't acting like a sort of echo chamber to each other. 

 

Hi Patty, 

As said above it could work both ways. They do say that you should be able to switch between perspectives when you write something. So that if you've written it one way it should be convertible to another perspective. 

In that line 'out of your minds, living parallel lies' it was meant as 'out of your minds (pause) living parallel lies' to allow a sort of 'run up' into the second half which i thought would be difficult to sing as one complete line....  

 

Hi Gary,  

And following on from that you have offered the better solution allowing for the music. Which i as a non musician wouldn't have thought of.

As for 'star crossed lovers' in the bridge you are right. That is a tired line and maybe i should have a mention of them somehow 'converging' instead of talking about them being apart throughout. Give them some hope! I will think about that on the weekend.

 

Hi Mike,

With 'couplets', 'structure' and 'rhyme' you have summed up my whole approach to lyric writing. As a non musician i concentrate on - trying - to get those elements right - with maybe something interesting to say. I have been debunked! I would do those things you've suggested if i had the ability but tend to stick within my comfort zone.  

I meant parallel lies as meaning both of them living in sham marriages in close proximity to each other but being unable to 'entwine' as is the case with parallel lines - again not Blondie! 

I shall certainly take your good advice onboard though. 

 

Thanks all,

Phil.

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snabbu    437
On 7/14/2017 at 8:03 AM, Patty Lakamp said:

Thanks, Snabbu,

 

This really helps.  I often start with lyrics only, and have wondered about this exact thing.  So what you're saying is, if I want some "room" in the latter part of the chorus, I can indicate that by the number of lines I use to present the same words.  Do I have it?

Yes you do.

In addition if a lyric is technically correct 80% of the music is already done. If it's not no music will make the song work.

Each section is say four bars with following that either a variation or a new section then retuning to section one as a repetition. 

So an entire song of say three section verse chorus bridge needs three motives which then get varied.

so to write a verse your looking at about 8 notes for the basic idea. The first and the last of those will most usually be the tonic.

So there are six pitches to choose from and verse melodies should be liner because there is a lot on information being delivered in the lyric.

The rhythm of the melody is dictated by the words.

 

You're lost in bittersweet deceit (3) (BH)
Dreaming dreams you can't complete (3)
Side by side while longing to entwine (3)
Out of your minds, (1) (BH)

living parallel lies (2)

 

Each of those naturally stressed syllable will appear on either the 1st or 3rd beat of the bar. 

to increase the yearning feelI would choose to set line s 1 & 4 Back heavy (BH) 

It also should either be in a minor key or if major I think it's dorian mode.

So we know the scale the chords and the beginning and end notes and the rhythm.

We also know two of the chord changes because of the cadence at the end we know the last chord is going to be the tonic and what goes before it

will probably be the V or IV depending on the mode it's in. It could be I think it's the VI chord instead. But it is all known I just have to look it up to refresh my memory when I'm writing in other than straight Major or Minor. 

 

So the rhythm would look like this:

 

1                 2        3   4   1   2   3       4   1

(rest)        You're lost in bittersweet deceit

2,3,4   1      2       3            (4 triplet       ) 1

(Rest) Dreaming dreams you can't complete

 

Etc.

 

So you know you have to do a counter melody to up the interest in the long rests. So the flavour is affected as well.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

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