Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • Songstuff

      New Chat App   06/02/2017

      We have a new chat app available. You will need to sign up for it. You can pick up the invite link at the top of your member hub page:   http://forums.songstuff.com/member/hub/   Remember to use your Songstuff registered email and user name when you sign up! Using the invite link will automatically add you to the Songstuff chat channel.

Recommended Posts

Blupa    46

So, another love story. Please have a read and tell me what you think of it. Also look at the word 'goof', does it make sense to you? To me goof is something dark .. a chill or something abstract..

 

Cheers, Geir


The Storm

GER(c)2017

 

She said she loved me I loved her too
But love became hate out of the blue


She sometimes broke things records and stuff
I said I hated her just as much


A touch on my shoulder a kiss on my neck
I tried to stay cool but I was a wreck


Oh love


We started out so nice like lovers do
A roof and a bed and a blind cat called Lou


Living on white bread and the cheapest wine
It's hard to believe but we made it just fine


Then came the storm and ripped off the roof
Blew out delusions and let in the truth


Oh love


Goodbye 'miss trouble' we have come to an end
The wind won't blow our way


Even the blind cat found a new trace
We both knew he wouldn't stay

 

Edited by Blupa
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Peggy    378

Hi Geir,

 

I totally love this writing! To me, i use Goof as in playful, silly, foolish.

Not dark or destructive. But either way It's working.

 

The "oh love" is placed really nicely in the structure.

 

:)

Peggy

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Blupa    46
22 minutes ago, Peggy said:

Hi Geir,

 

I totally love this writing! To me, i use Goof as in playful, silly, foolish.

Not dark or destructive. But either way It's working.

 

The "oh love" is placed really nicely in the structure.

 

:)

Peggy

 

So glad you like it, Peggy! thanks :) 

I will re-think the meaning of the word 'goof', good it's working either way, though.

G

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
HoboSage    1,904

I wasn't aware of any "dark" use of the term "goof," and the only one I could find was as urban/prison slang for a molester of young boys.

 

P.S.  "Sweet" seems like an odd adjective for a bed.

Edited by HoboSage

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Blupa    46
23 minutes ago, HoboSage said:

P.S.  "Sweet" seems like an odd adjective for a bed.

 

We say 'home sweet home', don't we?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tunesmithth    1,217
Quote

We say 'home sweet home', don't we?

 

Certainly!

BUT, we don't say "bed sweet bed".

For what it's worth, I'm with David on this one.

The use of "sweet" in this context is inappropriate & a little uncomfortable.

 

tom

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Peggy    378
3 hours ago, Blupa said:

A roof and a bed and a blind cat called Lou

 

3 hours ago, Blupa said:

Crushed our sweet bed and let in a goof

 

I didn't even double think sweet when reading.  I took it like "pleasing nice comfortable" but that's just me. Can see the other, too.

 

Add your adjective "a roof and new/twin/warm bed and a blind cat"

 

Then use the same in "crushed our new/twin/warm bed and let in a goof"

 

 

Just a thought to tie bed together closer.

 

:)

Peggy

Edited by Peggy
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Blupa    46

I appreciate your correcting me guys (David/Tom).

Thanks Peggy for your suggestions, I think I'll use 'warm' :)

G

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tunesmithth    1,217

Yeah, something like "warm" or "comfy" should work just fine. 

 

Quote

I didn't even double think sweet when reading.  I took it like "pleasing nice comfortable" but that's just me. Can see the other, too.

BTW - what does Peggy know? She's such a girl ! Lololol... :rolleyes: ...just kidding Peggy :001_tongue:

 

Tom

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philjo    28

This is an enjoyable read. Last thing you want is your records busted up! Maybe in the future lovers will be deleting MP3s in a fit of rage.

How about:

Then came the storm and ripped off the roof   

Blew out delusions and let in the truth  

 

Nice one,

Phil.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Blupa    46
2 hours ago, Philjo said:

This is an enjoyable read. Last thing you want is your records busted up! Maybe in the future lovers will be deleting MP3s in a fit of rage.

How about:

Then came the storm and ripped off the roof   

Blew out delusions and let in the truth  

 

Nice one,

Phil.

 

Love it! Thanks, Phil, I might use it!

Yeh, nothing worse than having your mp3s deleted ;)

G

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skin    254
15 hours ago, tunesmithth said:

Yeah, something like "warm" or "comfy" should work just fine. 

 

BTW - what does Peggy know? She's such a girl ! Lololol... :rolleyes: ...just kidding Peggy :001_tongue:

 

Tom

Bro be carefulwhat you say about Peggy! She will tear ya a new one 😂😂😂😂

Of course just kidding 😋😋😋

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skin    254

 

 


She said she loved me, I Said back at you
Love soon became hate, out of the blue


Sometimes she broke things, records and stuff
I said I hated her, but it was all a bluff


A touch on my shoulder, a kiss on my neck
I tried to stay cool, she made me a wreck


We started out nice, as lovers do
A roof and a bed, a blind cat called Lou


Living on love, and the cheapest wine
It's hard to believe, but we made it just fine


Then came the storm, that ripped us apart
Crushed our warm bed, crushed our warm hearts


Oh love


So goodbye 'miss trouble' this is our end
The wind won't blow our way, ever again


Even the blind cat, found a new place to stay

Shame he liked it here!

 

just some of my random thoughts Geir.

I always like reading your stuff bro.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Blupa    46
2 hours ago, Skin said:

 

 


She said she loved me, I Said back at you
Love soon became hate, out of the blue


Sometimes she broke things, records and stuff
I said I hated her, but it was all a bluff


A touch on my shoulder, a kiss on my neck
I tried to stay cool, she made me a wreck


We started out nice, as lovers do
A roof and a bed, a blind cat called Lou


Living on love, and the cheapest wine
It's hard to believe, but we made it just fine


Then came the storm, that ripped us apart
Crushed our warm bed, crushed our warm hearts


Oh love


So goodbye 'miss trouble' this is our end
The wind won't blow our way, ever again


Even the blind cat, found a new place to stay

Shame he liked it here!

 

just some of my random thoughts Geir.

I always like reading your stuff bro.

 

Lots of great lines here, Skin, thanks for your time working on it!

G

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Skin    254

Welcome bro🙂

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think I got to see this after changes were made.  In any event, this was quite captivating to read the tension in the lyrics.  I also really like the effect of "Oh, love".  I can almost hear exasperated intonation in that one line.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Patty Lakamp    40
On 7/13/2017 at 8:43 AM, Blupa said:

Oh love


We started out nice like lovers do
A roof and a bed and a blind cat called Lou

I like the "Oh love" too.  

 

I would change "called" to "named"  Could sound like catcall

 

On 7/13/2017 at 8:43 AM, Blupa said:

We started out nice like lovers do
A roof and a bed and a blind cat called Lou

How about a more intriguing word than "nice"?

 

Uh, "nice" job!

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Blupa    46
7 hours ago, Patty Lakamp said:

I like the "Oh love" too.  

 

I would change "called" to "named"  Could sound like catcall

 

How about a more intriguing word than "nice"?

 

Uh, "nice" job!

 

"Named" might be better.. and how about "so nice", to break it up a bit, in lack of a better word? Thanks Patty :)

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Blupa    46
9 hours ago, Pahchisme Plaid said:

I think I got to see this after changes were made.  In any event, this was quite captivating to read the tension in the lyrics.  I also really like the effect of "Oh, love".  I can almost hear exasperated intonation in that one line.  

 

Thanks so much :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
scotsman89    335

Blupa 

 for me  the last  line  

 

 

you know even a blind cat can see 

where it's not meant to be

 

just my thoughts 

 

john

Edited by scotsman89
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Blupa    46
14 hours ago, scotsman89 said:

Blupa 

 for me  the last  line  

 

 

you know even a blind cat can see 

where it's not meant to be

 

just my thoughts 

 

john

 

Great line! Thanks, John.

G

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Timbre    147

I like how this has developed and the simple refrain of "Oh, Love"--could be interpreted as talking about love or talking dirctly to love.

 

Switching the order of the first and second sections made more sense to me chronologically in telling story. Wasn't sure about last section intention. With different line length and cadence, it read more like an outro. Enjoyed it.

 

~T

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×