Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Lithium    0

Hey :walkman: So, I'm writing one of my first song and I need some feedback of this chorus that I wrote. Any constructive criticism is welcome and needed. Thanks!

 

You’ll be on my mind    (5)

I need time to unwind    (6)

‘Cause that feeling that I find (7)

You know it makes my heart go blind  (8)

 

You’ll be on my mind    (5)

I need time to unwind    (6)

‘Cause that feeling that I find (7)

You know it makes my heart go blind  (8)

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tony00237    8

Hi, i'm new to this too so i'm not sure how much of a help this is but I feel like 5 to 6 doesn't really flow that well but maybe that just me.

Edited by Tony00237
I missed the H in hi I guess making the sentence look weird.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Blupa    46
9 hours ago, Lithium said:

Hey :walkman: So, I'm writing one of my first song and I need some feedback of this chorus that I wrote. Any constructive criticism is welcome and needed. Thanks!

 

You’ll be on my mind    (5)

I need time to unwind    (6)

‘Cause that feeling that I find (7)

You know it makes my heart go blind  (8)

 

You’ll be on my mind    (5)

I need time to unwind    (6)

‘Cause that feeling that I find (7)

You know it makes my heart go blind  (8)

 

 

Not very good. You seem so obsessed with rhyme words that you forget everything else, like a fresh and unique story that blows your mind and you hardly notis it actually rhymes, now and then, not all the time. Also, google 'clishe' and strive to avoid it the best you can.

Cheers, Geir

Edited by Blupa
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×