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Patty Lakamp    41

Hi, again,

 

I've been revising and would love your comments.  Earlier versions are posted below.

 

 

Everyday Moments   Rewrite 3

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017

 

V1

I lost my mother years ago      

But she was here today           

Standing right beside me as         

I put the towels away              

 

V2

It shook me for a second, but           

I loved the memory                          

Just that simple moment brought   

My mother back to me                              

 

Chorus:

Everyday moments      

Are love’s DNA           

Continuing her legacy 

Day after day                

 

V3

She lives inside my heart now

A sad but pleasant ache                          

Her notes on the recipe                     

When I make her apple cake               

 

Chorus:

Everyday moments      

Are love’s DNA           

Continuing her legacy 

Day after day               

 

Bridge:

I used to think memories had to be planned    

A party or fancy affair                                     

But the best ones of all        just happen         

In the everyday moments we share

 

V4

I have no need to turn back time

I see her everywhere     

She’s in my heart and I’m okay         

The memories are there

 

Chorus:

Everyday moments      

Are love’s DNA           

Continuing her legacy 

Day after day    

 

 

Everyday Moments     Rewrite 2

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017

V1

I lost my mother years ago

But she was here today

Standing right beside me as    

I put the towels away

 

V2

It shook me for a second

But I loved the memory   

Just that simple moment brought

My mother back to me 

             

Chorus:

Everyday moments 

Are love’s DNA

Continuing her legacy

Day after day

 

V3

She lives inside my heart now 

A sad but pleasant ache

Her writing on the recipe

When I make her apple cake

 

Chorus:

Everyday moments 

Are love’s DNA

Continuing her legacy

Day after day

 

Bridge 1:

I used to think memories had to be planned 

A party or fancy affair

But the best ones of all just happen

In the everyday moments we share

 

Chorus:

Everyday moments 

Are love’s DNA

Continuing her legacy

Day after day

 

Bridge 2:

What I wouldn’t give to go back in time

To those simple moments we shared

But she taught me well, and I’ll be okay

Whenever I need her, she is there

 

Chorus:

Everyday moments 

Are love’s DNA

Continuing her legacy

Day after day

 

 

 

Original is posted below for comparison

 

Original:

Everyday Moments

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017


V1

I lost my mother years ago

But she was here today 

Standing right beside me 

As I put the towels away 

 

V2

It shook me for a second 

But I enjoyed the memory 

An everyday moment 

Brought my mother back to me 

 

Chorus:

Everyday moments 

(Are) the ones we replay 

Everyday moments

Carry love’s DNA

 

V3

She lives inside my mind now

A sad but pleasant ache

Her notes on the recipe

When I make her apple cake

 

Chorus:

Everyday moments 

(Are) the ones we replay 

Everyday moments 

Carry love’s DNA 

 

Bridge:

When I was a kid I was bored by routine 

There wasn’t an option for fancier things 

Now things are different, yet I find I prefer

Everyday moments like I shared with her 

 

Chorus:

Everyday moments 

(Are) the ones we replay 

Everyday moments 

Carry love’s DNA 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Patty Lakamp
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scotsman89    335

Patty

 

dinner time on Sunday

with all the family there

eating moms fried chicken

I wish she was still here

or

if there was party

mom was the one 

fussing all  around

making sure we had fun

or

I remember prom night

as if it was yesterday

when I was so excited 

mom was just the same

 

just my thoughts 

john

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Patty Lakamp    41

You get it! That's exactly the feel I am looking for. What I came up with this afternoon was similar:

Her friends, they dropped by all the time                 

And I would get to stay

(The) sound of cards and cribbage boards

My link to yesterday

 

I am still working on V3, but yes, you've captured the essence.  I just want to find the best example because there's room for just one verse.

 

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snabbu    437

Patty

I of course want you too make the verse five lines with a short last line.  

Get a drum loop and chant your first verse too it then chant this 


V1

I lost my mother years ago

But she was here today

Standing right beside me as        

I put the towels away

In the cupboard 

 

You should get wistful 

then the chorus has a it was sad but it's ok now I've come to terms with it, and it contrasts. That will support the chorus more. 

 

Too make this a success you have to convey those two emotions with the feel of it. 

I miss her

But i'm ok, I can remember her without being sad Which is good to remember what she taught me. 

 

Do that and it don't matter how girly you get. You got universal and everyone has a dead somebody. Plus you have subtext of the simple things are best. I can almost smell the royalties. 

 

cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

 

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snabbu    437

Patty

This screen shot would not load into message 

Unless I uploaded it first so this belongs after "do this" in my PM

Which I will now see if I can insert now its uploaded.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

Screenshot 2017-07-18 09.35.52.pdf

 

Update yes success the screen shot now appears in my PM to you.

Edited by snabbu
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Patty Lakamp    41

I got the screenshot of GarageBand and I have my work cut out for me.

 

Thanks!

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Philjo    30

I thought about changing the last line of the first verse and then something new for the second verse: 

 

I lost my mother years ago

But she was here today 

Standing right beside me

Like she'd never gone away   

 

We shared the latest gossip

As we did the household chores

Those ordinary moments

Only make me miss her more  

 

And I preferred the original chorus!

 

Then you could go into some specific everyday moments now that  household chores has been mentioned. 

 

Feel free to ignore of course. 

 

Phil.

 

 

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