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Leo    44

 

Hey there,

New song, about to record a rough demo for it.

All critique is welcomed, Thanks. 

 

So Long

So long said a mountain to a rock,

So long I don’t need you any more,

You must roll, down to a hole,

 

Stay off said a cloud to a raindrop,

Stay off you have changed too much and so,

You will fall, (down,down) down to a floor,

 

Mmmmm

 

No more said a poet to a word,

No spaces are left for you to hold,

You will call, nothing at all,

 

Move out said the future to right now,

I know that without you I’m the star,

You must pass, no moment can last,

 

Mmmmm

 

Good riddance as I turn into dust,

My burden is heavy, I've seen so much,

I must trust, that my songs are enough,

 

Mmmmm

Edited by Leo
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Peggy    400

Hi leo,

 

Such interesting and unique lines. Pretty cool. Makes me want to try and come up with my own little twists. Looking forward to your demo to see how this moves and sounds.

:)

Peggy

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Leo    44

Thanks Peggy.

I would love to read your ideas.

 

 

 

 

 

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Leo    44

Here's the demo, rough as promised :)

Mainly to show how the lyrics work with the melody.

Thanks for listening.

https://soundcloud.com/leosherman/so-long/s-BRk57

 

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Jenn    249

Beautiful guitar work as always. I have one suggestion... though it may be corny and overdone but

You will fall, down to a floor

I think you should emphasize the "fall" and/or "down"..

For example, fall--starting on a higher note and letting it "fall" to a lower note

Or.. You will fall, down down down to a floor with each "down" a lower note

 

But as always, love your song

Edited by Jenn
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Peggy    400
21 minutes ago, Leo said:

Thanks Peggy.

I would love to read your ideas.

 

 

 

 

 

Something i'm going to try to do tonight when i "free my mind" :)

Nice guitar. Gut string or steel string?

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Leo    44
4 minutes ago, Jenn said:

Beautiful guitar work as always. I have one suggestion... though it may be corny and overdone but

 

Don't keep us in suspense,

Edited by Leo

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Jenn    249
Just now, Leo said:

 

Don't keep us in suspense,

hahahhaha I submitted it by mistake!!!

It should show up there ^^^... let me know if it doesn't

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Leo    44
Just now, Peggy said:

Gut string or steel string?

 

Yamaha classical guitar with mid price, mid tension strings.

Recorded on a 4track app on a Samsung s3.

 

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Leo    44
10 minutes ago, Jenn said:

I think you should emphasize the "fall" and/or "down"..

For example, fall--starting on a higher note and letting it "fall" to a lower note

Or.. You will fall, down down down to a floor with each "down" a lower note

 

You mean a something like this??

 

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Jenn    249

Yeah!!! something like that!!! But! Sing it how you want to sing it!!

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Leo    44
13 minutes ago, Jenn said:

Yeah!!! something like that!!! But! Sing it how you want to sing it!!

 

I like it very much, will use it. 

Thanks a bunch.

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Leo... I'm really becoming a fan of your lyrics. They may not always come off as crystal clear in the first go itself but I really like how your thoughts evolve into these kinds of words..  you've got great potential and are already growing in that direction! 

 

I really like this one.. don't even see the need to change anything (though that's just my humble viewpoint considering that I'm not really a songwriter) :001_smile:

 

Have fun with this song!

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tomcollins    523

Cool twist on this! 

Not completely sold on guitar work, hauntingly familiar. Maybe it will hit me later what it reminds me of.

But as a whole I'm liking this.

For me it has both an old and fresh feel. Which i dug.

Will give it a few more listens and see if I can give ya some better input .

Rock on

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Leo    44

Thanks Tom,

Would love to get your feedback.

 

On 29/07/2017 at 8:51 PM, tomcollins said:

hauntingly familiar. Maybe it will hit me later what it reminds me of.

 

It's inspired by the finger picking in Phil Ochs's  'One more parade'.

Maybe that's where the familiarity is from.

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Leo    44

Thanks so much Sreyashi, 

I value your opinion very much.

It really means allot to me that you like the song.

You helped me think more about the stories in the lyrics I'm writing.

 

Thanks.

Edited by Leo

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Timbre    157

Grabbed me from the first chord measure. The instrumental bit at the end was just as enthralling as the rest. Great melody and movement. The beginning part of the melody sequence put me in mind  of Land of Confusion-Genesis, but the chords are darker and the overall composition has a unique vibe. Really enjoyed it. I'm no expert, but it had a film placement quality to it. It set's a mood. Really enjoyed it. ~T

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