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standing on the edge of tomorrow

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scotsman89    342

J Morrison  (C) July 29 2017     just finished this  the first two verses have been in my note book for a long time did not know what to do with them   does the last lines work ?

 

standing on the edge of tomorrow
her back is  turned  on  yesterday
just one step then it's the future
is it  a step she 's prepared to take

 

tomorrow is  full of unknowns
the  past  filled with memories
in one  she's her own prisoner
while the other is uncertainty

 

is it time to move on

or time to stand still
face her fears now

or she never will
so what will it be 
just standing on the edge of tomorrow
or step into your  destiny 

 

 does she keep on telling herself
everything is going to be alright
deep inside she hides the truth
what happens if it sees the light

 

the man that  she fell in love  with
has  changed in  different ways
from a lover to a friend to someone
that she can  never love  the same

 

is it time to move on

or time to stand still
face her fears now

or she never will
so what will it be 
just standing on the edge of tomorrow
or step into  your  destiny

 

 

now's time to move  not to stand still
face her fears now or she never will

yes it will be hard saying goodbye

but you never lose if you never try

a little step but  a chasm to cross

you cant keep what has been lost

 

it's time to move on

no standing still
face her fears now

or she never will
so what will it be 
 stand on the edge of tomorrow
or step into your  destiny

 

don't stand on the edge of tomorrow

step into your destiny
 

 


 

Edited by scotsman89
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Peggy    403
7 hours ago, scotsman89 said:

J Morrison  (C) July 29 2017     just finished this  the first two verses have been in my note book for a long time did not know what to do with them   does the last lines work ?

 

standing on the edge of tomorrow
her back turned on  yesterday 

(removed is)
just one step then it's the future
was/Is it a step she is scared to face/take

 

tomorrow holds all of the unknown
the past filled with memories

(removed is)
in one  she is her own prisoner
While the other  full of uncertainty

 

is it time to move  time to stand still
face your fears now or you never will
what will it be it's up to you you know
you're standing on the edge of tomorrow
you're standing on the edge of tomorrow

 

why does she keep on telling herself
that everything is going to be alright
when deep inside she hides the truth
what will happen if it sees the light

 

the man she was in love with for so long
time changed him in many different ways
from a lover and a friend to someone who's to blame
(Remove that shouts and hurts)

 

is it time to move  time to stand still
face your fears now or you never will
what will it be it's up to you you know
you're standing on the edge of tomorrow
you're standing on the edge of tomorrow

 

she's taken enough she can't take any more
her bag is packed she stands at the door
just turn the handle take that final step
you can't leave behind what's already left

 

now it's time to move  not to stand still
face your fears now or you never will
what will it be it's up to you   you know
you're stepping off into tomorrow
you're stepping off into tomorrow

 

now it's time to move  not to stand still
face your fears now or you never will
what will it be it's up to you      you know
now you're stepping off into tomorrow

 

you're stepping off into tomorrow
 

Hi John,

Nice write. Really like how you used  the whole tomorrow theme.  Made a couple of suggestions in bold. Last lines work in my opinion.

:)

Peggy

Edited by Peggy

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scotsman89    342

Peggy thanks for read and critique 

 

changed a couple of things 

 

john

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tomcollins    526

Peggy hit it tense of last line 1st V"was" don't go with standing. 

Solid write other then a few tweaks mate !!

Rock on

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scotsman89    342

thanks Tom 

not my normal stuff out of comfort zone  but if you don't jump you might just fall

 

john

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tomcollins    526

I like falling , you get that rush and then you know where you have to go !!!

Liking this. The tense(past present) was really only issue i saw 

A cool melody came up when reading, one habit I'm glad I've still kept!!

Rock on 

 

It's time to move, can't stand still 

Last chorus? 

Did another read while re-reading this.

With melody in my head seen a few things I would change if you want them ? Lol 

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scotsman89    342

Tom 

changed it  shorter verses and re arranged the chorus 

 

john

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tomcollins    526

Not buying that Destiny line boss. 

Think right now with me, it's melody playing in heads. For me there's still some wasted words and flow seems a bit choppy. Know it's a harder crit, but know ya take it with stride!!

The hook needs a bit more flushing out in my opinion. Standing on the edge? 

 

To be honest I like it as a whole. And again may just be melody in my head from yours. But it reads more book like then lyric. Missing vividness( is that a word lol) some small tweaks can change it. 

the man that  she fell in love  with
has  changed in  different ways

(changed in so many ways)
from a lover to a friend to someone
that she can  never love  the same

 

Different ways seems awkward to me.

Yet in most relations people do change in so many ways. 

That was just a random pick. 

Know I sent a PM on this and basically rewrote it lol but it tugged at me for i felt and heard a good song. Again if i heard the melody playing in your head I may say " damn I was way off " 

But right now still feel hook needs to be drawn out more and story tightened up a bit.

Rock on !!!!!!?

 

 

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scotsman89    342

Tom 

thanks know you did the re write .  still trying to get it right here .

 

john

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Patty Lakamp    50
On 7/29/2017 at 10:37 AM, scotsman89 said:

J Morrison  (C) July 29 2017     just finished this  the first two verses have been in my note book for a long time did not know what to do with them   does the last lines work ?

 

Hi, Scotsman.  I'm commenting before I read the other critiques bc I want to not be influenced by them YET.  I like this and I think it has great potential.  These are my initial impressions.  Hope they help you think it through.

Patty

 

 

On 7/29/2017 at 10:37 AM, scotsman89 said:

standing on the edge of tomorrow
her back is  turned  on  yesterday
just one step then it's the future       Just one step and it's the future
is it  a step she 's prepared to take   I think this would be much stronger in the first person.  Is it a step I'm prepared/ready to take?  Otherwise, it's hard to imagine who the singer is in reference to the "she." Plus, these are questions we usually ask OURSELVES, not questions on behalf of someone else.

 

tomorrow is  full of unknowns     Sounds a little dry. Maybe something like Tomorrow's full of question marks
the  past  filled with memories  Same comment.  Maybe: The past has turned the page
in one  she's her own prisoner      Rearrange these lines so that L3 & L4 align with their mates in L1 & L2
while the other is uncertainty

 

is it time to move on

or time to stand still
face her fears now

or she never will      ---good line
so what will it be 
just standing on the edge of tomorrow      I'd suggest the same verb form in each one standing/stepping or stand/step, but not mixing them.
or step into your  destiny                 Again, this would be much more powerful in the first person.  

 

 does she keep on telling herself
everything is going to be alright
deep inside she hides the truth
what happens if it sees the light        Intriguing concept!

 

the man that  she fell in love  with
has  changed in  different ways        This line could be better.  Everybody changes. Different from what?
from a lover to a friend to someone
that she can  never love  the same      I like this. Depending on the music, you may not need the THAT

 

is it time to move on

or time to stand still
face her fears now

or she never will
so what will it be 
just standing on the edge of tomorrow    See below
or step into  your  destiny

 

 

now's time to move  not to stand still
face her fears now or she never will

yes it will be hard saying goodbye

but you never lose if you never try

a little step but  a chasm to cross

you cant keep what has been lost         You/I can't keep what you've/I've lost

 

it's time to move on     Yes, it's time to move on

no standing still
face her fears now

or she never will
so what will it be 
 stand on the edge of tomorrow
or step into your  destiny

 

don't stand on the edge of tomorrow  

step into your destiny    

 

I'm being really picky, but the stand/step choice isn't QUITE working for me.  Standing on the edge of tomorrow could mean the person just arrived there. It doesn't necessarily imply a decision to stay there. The decision is what your song is about.  I think you are using standing as a double meaning of being situated there right now and as staying there. They're not the same, so it's a little mushy.  But you're CLOSE!  I  Maybe you could think about  rewording it something like:

 

I'm here at the edge of tomorrow

My back turned on yesterday

Just one step and it's the future

Is it a step I'm ready to take?

 

 

Then when you get to the Chorus, "stand still" works, and you could tweak the last two lines

is it time to move on

or time to stand still
face her fears now

or she never will    
so what will it be 
just standing on the edge of tomorrow     Stay here on the edge of tomorrow
or step into your  destiny                      Or step into my destiny

 

As always, these are just first impressions. It's an intriguing lyric, so I'm interested enough in it to want it to be its best.

 

Now I'll read the other comments and see just how off-base I am!

 

Patty


 

 

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tomcollins    526

Your baby mate. Im on way to hospital for few stitches. 

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