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Patty Lakamp

This Is Who We Are/Now: Table for Two

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Patty Lakamp    50

Here's what I've got so far, thanks to all the input. There's also a Slush Pile below for lines I had left over.

Sort of wondering about switching L1 & L2 in the Chorus.

 

Table for Two  Revise 3

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017

 

V1

I don't need to give you diamonds and pearls

I know you by now, you're not other girls

You don't need to tell me flattering lies 

You know me by now, I'm not other guys

 

Chorus 

Doing what we do  

Loving who we are

Hearts across the table

Table for two          

Just me and you       

Table for two          

 

V2  

Looks that pass between us, start of a smile

All the private moments mile after mile 

Everything I want I see in your eyes

Giving you my heart and all that implies

 

Chorus 

Doing what we do  

Loving who we are

Hearts across the table

Table for two         

Just me and you      

Table for two   

     

Bridge:

Each of us traveling our lane in the race

Always coming back to our own special place

Tiny café, table for two

Two hearts at play

Just me and you

 

Chorus 

Doing what we do  

Loving who we are

Hearts across the table

Table for two         

Just me and you      

Table for two   

 

V3

Daily conversations, chapters of life

Writing our own story, husband and wife

Making a choice for the other one’s sake

Rolling with the tides, the give and the take

 

Chorus 

Doing what we do  

Loving who we are

Hearts across the table

Table for two         

Just me and you      

Table for two         

 

 

#

 

 

Slush Pile

At our special table

Set for us two

Loving who we are

Doing what we do

Just me and you

Table for two

 

 

Anyone can see

Love in plain view

Two hearts at the table

Table for two

Just me and you

Table for two

 

 

 

Table for Two  Revise 2

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017

 

V1

I don't need to give you

Diamonds and pearls

I know you by heart, you're

Not other girls

You don't need to tell me                               

Flattering lies 

You know me by heart, I'm 

Not other guys

 

Chorus:  

Loving who we are

Living as we do

Sharing life together

Table for two

 

V2  

Looks that pass between us

Start of a smile

All the private moments

Mile after mile 

Everything I want I 

See in your eyes

Giving you my heart and

All it implies

 

Chorus:  

Loving who we are

Living as we do

Sharing life together

Table for two

 

Bridge:

How could something accidental

Turn into love so consequential?

 

(Do I need two more lines here?)

 

Even then we both were aware of 

We had something to take good care of 

 

Chorus:  

Loving who we are

Living as we do

Sharing life together

Table for two

 

V3

Daily conversations

Chapters of life

Writing our own story

Husband and wife

 

Chorus:  

Loving who we are

Living as we do

Sharing life together

Table for two

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Is Who We Are

Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017

 

 

V1 

I don't need to give you

Diamonds and pearls

I know you by now, you're

Not other girls

 

You don't need to tell me

Flattering lies

You know me by now, I'm

Not other guys

 

Chorus:

This is who we are

This is what we do

All you want is me

All I want is you

 

Instr. Bridge

 

V2

Looks that pass between us

Start of a smile

All the private moments

Mile after mile 

 

Everything I want I 

See in your eyes

Giving you my heart and

All it implies

 

Instr.

 

Chorus:

This is who we are

This is what we do

All you want is me

All I want is you

 

Instr .

 

V3 

Time reveals our story

Chapters of life

Living out our vision

Husband and wife

 

Chorus:

This is who we are

This is what we do

All you want is me

All I want is you

 

 

 

Edited by Patty Lakamp
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Peggy    400
On 8/7/2017 at 2:11 PM, Patty Lakamp said:

V3 

Time reveals our story

Chapters of life

Living out our vision

Husband and wife

Hi Patti,

sweet write, a couple of suggestions in italics

On 8/7/2017 at 2:11 PM, Patty Lakamp said:

This is who we are

This is what we do

All you want is me

All I want is you

 

Loving who we are

Doing what we do

Keeps you wanting me

Like i'm wanting you

 

Maybe

Time begins our story

Living with/in our vision. Something besides out.

 

Trying to suggest alittle less "sterile"? 

Nice going

:)

Peggy

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Patty Lakamp    50

I like the suggestions. I'm still working hard on this lyric, so your comments are timely.  Thanks!

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Skin    264

Hi Patty

I like Peggy's ideas especially the chorus bravo Peg!

 

It is a sweet write and should turn out quite nicely me thinks🙂

 

Les

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tomcollins    523

Time and stories

Chapter's of life.

 

Pretty solid

Also like peggy's suggestion above on 

This is what we do

 

Rock on

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Patty Lakamp    50

Thanks, Peggy, Skin and Tom,

 

These comments help a lot. I'm still revising and will post another version soon.

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snabbu    439

Hi Patty

I am always scanning for what is not right. 

I am concerned about the $50 words in the bridge. 

Now lets talk about whats right I'm going to ask a question. Does every line in the verse support and add weight to the chorus idea.

Now Im going to answer it.

I don't need to give you diamonds and pearls  Yes

I know you by heart, you're not other girls yes

You don't need to tell me flattering lies  Yes

You know me by heart, I'm  not other guys Yes

 

Note I have reset it to remove all your split statements. So is AABB four lines bog standard stable exactly right for the subject matter.

Is it universal could it be about me Yes

 

Is there a hook? yes "table for two"

Is there a variation between rhyme scheme for the verse an chorus yes there is.

Do I feel the chorus could be better yes I do. And it goes to tension and release and hook emphasis.

You might want to think about this.

 

Living as we do

Loving who we are

Sharing life together

Table for two

My reasons being the further apart the rhyme resolution the more tension. This is important in this song because there is no stability contrast possible between the different parts of the song.

 

verse two edit on the fly 

 

Giving you my heart and all that implies

 

 

 

Oh the bridge, I forgot the segue for the bridge must be right.

ie Table for two

in our special place by the window down next to the shore

Laughing at strangers feeling so lucky to be

Living as we do etc.

 

I'n not writing your bridge for you I'm just showing you how it goes from here to there just like at the Brooklyn bridge. 

Here being the last line of the chorus there being the fist line of the next chorus. Table for two to living as we do

Make it so and I think your done.

 

Is there music?

 

Because this is a good lyric with a bit of a tweak. Because there are a couple of Peggyisms which are well worth considering, however 

if you do that I would still line swap to delay the resolution.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

Edited by snabbu
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Patty Lakamp    50
2 hours ago, snabbu said:

So is AABB four lines bog standard stable

Thanks, Gary for your detailed comments.  I will take a look at this.

 

Do you like:

I know you by HEART you're not other girls

or

I know you by NOW you're not other girls.

 

Originally, I chose now, then switch bc I thought it sounded more "lyrical" but I know there's a song out there from with that line in it.  And NOW seemed to suggest a long-term relationship.

 

I could be persuaded, but what you call $50 words are not obscure words, or have-to-go-look-it-up-in-the dictionary words; They sound interesting to me.  I'd call them long $10 words.

 

You asked about music.  I had music in mind, but it isn't working for this lyric. I plan to write other lyrics for that music because I REALLY like it.

 

I can go with All THAT implies. Can you tell me why it's better?  Or, should I say, why THAT'S better? 

 

Does (almost) every song need stability contrast between parts?  (Serious question, not a challenge.)

 

I don't fully understand your Bridge comment. Are you substituting that idea for what it there now or adding it at the end of what is there now?

 

You and I have talked about split statements before, I think I got a C- in that class.  When I was writing with particular music in mind the split statement made sense.  Now with no music in mind, I don't know how to decide which way to place them on the page.

 

What is bog standard?  Not familiar with that term

 

Really appreciate your comments.  I love the WORK of getting a song right almost as much as the fun of having it just spill out easily.  I want my lyrics to be the best I can make them...otherwise, why bother?

 

So, thank you.

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Patty Lakamp    50

I forgot to say that I like the Peggyisms, too.  Just don't want to steal outright, although she's so good, it's tempting!

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Peggy    400
13 hours ago, Patty Lakamp said:

I forgot to say that I like the Peggyisms, too.  Just don't want to steal outright, although she's so good, it's tempting!

That's nice. Any suggestion i make feel free to do with it as you please.

 

 sweep or keep

:)

 

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snabbu    439

Patty I need to do these separately in case I run out of time.

 

I can go with All THAT implies. Can you tell me why it's better?  Or, should I say, why THAT'S better? 

 

(1) My gut instinct tells me "that" will sing better than "it"

(2) "That" refers it back to the noun previous line your "Heart" if you use it your heart is an it if you use that you are referring to the gift of your heart.

(3) It just is a gut feel that "that" is more the natural state of the language.

"I need to discuss these poor results with you and all that implies" Like i'm about to fire you, so it's how I would say that.

 

Regards

 

Gary

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snabbu    439

I like I know you By now because its like an old slippers feeling we know we are comfortable in each others presence we don't even have to talk just feel happy sitting there looking at something. 

 

$50 words. How many times in the last three months have you been chatting with the girls and used  consequential in a sentence?

If the answer is none, that's how many times you should use it in a song. Especially when your rhyming it. Because we are going too say that's just there to rhyme, no one other than lawyers use that word. So we will say you are either a lawyer or a fake. I'm not sure which is worse. 

 

Does (almost) every song need stability contrast between parts?  (Serious question, not a challenge.) This is a good question but the answer is not simple. Well the simple answer is yes, mostly, but that really doesn't answer your question properly.

 

Art relies on contrast. lets talk colour theory as an example that you can see. Because it's clear it's a fact. Yellow next to purple. Both the yellow and the purple appear brighter and pop when they are next to each other, brighter than they seem when they are next to any other colour. Why? because if you look at the colour wheel they are opposite each other. So green and orange is the same deal. 

 

In song writing, which is communication, there are challenges. 70% of verbal communication is NOT the words spoken. I repeat NOT. IT is tone of voice and body language.

This explains huge rows with my lover by iMessage, the body language and tone of voice are missing, misinterpretation runs rife. But I digress. 

 

In songwriting your tone of voice is represented by the stability and instability of your song structure.

You body language is represented by your phrasing.

 

Now one of the easiest ways to create contrast between one part and another is to write one stable and the other unstable.

I can not go into every possibility today because there are lots, but there are certain effects that happen to the feel of the lyric depending on what you choose. 

Its say you have a song that is an unstable suitable story line in both verse and chorus. If you choose to write the verse stable and the chorus unstable (by far the best choice) what will happen to is this. It will feel like the verses are statements of fact. It will feel like the chorus is the emotional reaction to those facts. This is why it's the best choice.

I have no idea why this is so it just is.  Bear in mind there are degrees of stability and instability. These are more of a subjective decision. If you are writing doubt or yearning that is far less unstable than loss or grief. Since you have Four elements you can use to create instability you use enough of each or only one, or two, to create just the amount of instability that you feel matches the story line of the lyric. The same goes for stable it can be very to only just.

 

Now here you have a song where I do not feel there is any reason to use any instability, we are talking comfortable old slippers deep enduring love here there is not an unstable iota in that.

So how are you going to create contrast between the parts of your song and keep the whole thing absolutely stable. You do see why the tone of this has to be calm and reassuring to fit with the story. Its on golden pond or whatever. But if you have no contrast. Oh my it's going g to drag and be boring and send me early to my hot chocolate and bed. 

So you need to be aware of this and make conscious decisions as to how are you going to achieve contrast when the biggest tool to do this is unavailable to you. Not only that it is completely unavailable because the song must be absolutely stable you can not even use a bit of less stable for contrast.

 

So what do you do to stop me falling asleep.

(1) Your stable rhyme scheme can be a different stable rhyme scheme that the other part

(2) your even number of lines can be a different even number of lines than the other part.

(3) Your even line lengths can be a different even line length that the other Part.

 

Now my feeling is that because this has to be all very stable you need to throw the kitchen sink at the chorus as far as making it different is concerned. I would use all three.

Note an issue of pace if we make the lines shorter much shorter in the chorus we create great contrast and we pick up the speed of the song, we don't but it sounds that way, so it adds excitement to the chorus.

 

So the chorus different rhyme scheme but still stable and perfect or near perfect rhymes.

Shorter line length that the verses.

And a longer number of lines than the verse as restructured by me to remove the split statements and become 4 lines. so say six lines and it doesn't have to bring anything new to the chorus, 

Table for two

Just me and you

Table for two

Addition or whatever.

 

Just every difference you have will improve the contrast between the parts.

 

 

Regards

 

Gary

 

 

 

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Patty Lakamp    50

Reason 2 was convincing for me.  So many of these things are obvious once they're pointed out!   Thanks!

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snabbu    439

O and Patty the last one.

About the music I asked because I am lazy and if you can fix this lyric as we discussed it will be as good as anything I write so I thought I might like to do some music for it

as it says what I want to say, and saves me about ten hours of working out how to say it. It also gives an opportunity to demystify the music writing process ass I can take you through the steps as I do it. And you will get a grasp of exactly how much of the music is determined by your structure and stability decisions.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

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Patty Lakamp    50

Gary, I like your explanation about structuring the verses/chorus, etc.  I have some homework to do, but I like that!

BTW, glad you also liked "I know you by NOW."  That's more what I want to say.

9 minutes ago, snabbu said:

$50 words. How many times in the last three months have you been chatting with the girls and used  consequential in a sentence?

Probably once a week, given all we have to talk about these days in this country!  I don't see Consequential as a big word.  But I get your point.  I can use 10c words. Like garden salt, which, like bog standard, is an expression I have also never heard of!  ;-)

 

Re music, let me talk with my friend and get back to you.

 

 

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snabbu    439

Hi Patty

 

Oh yes, sorry, I forgot.I sympathise, I can I say I am sick of your president, and your parliaments. I have had them up to my neck.

This constant stuff about the Russians, the constant leaking, government by twitter. I am sitting watching the news and I have lyric going round in my head

and the hook is "are you going flakey on us" After more than 80 years of fighting in every conflict together, supporting every sanction etc.  it's like i'm saying maybe it's time to get in bed with the Chinese and ditch the alliance cause there is some weird stuff coming out America. And it annoys me because it seems such a mistake. I like to spend three days in central park every couple of years, walk the skyline garden, see how its getting on. If my timings right go up to new England to watch the leaves change.  But it kind of feels things have changed and I won't feel so at home there anymore. I think it's such a shame. And I guess you need to hear what your countries friends are saying about you and it's not good. But you need to know I guess.

 

The last time I got cross with America was all that fuss that was made about slick willy and Monica. I'm like well embarrassing, and I hope Hilary takes to him with a hickory stick, but really the way it went on, it totally overshadowed some of the great things that man achieved. In foreign policy. And i'm looking at all your positions and doing the maths about 30 % of married men playing away and I'm thinking yea sanctimonious. 

 

Anyway enough about your big political mistake, I am sure you will find a way to solve it. 

 

Cheers

 

Gary

PS. There is always doctor google 

http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/common-or-garden

https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/common_or_garden_variety

Edited by snabbu

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Patty Lakamp    50
On 8/15/2017 at 3:00 PM, snabbu said:

You might want to think about this.

 

Living as we do

Loving who we are

Sharing life together

Table for two

My reasons being the further apart the rhyme resolution the more tension. This is important in this song because there is no stability contrast possible between the different parts of the song.

Hi, Gary.

I see what you mean about keeping the rhyme of the first line far away from resolution by putting it in line 4. This looks like ABCA rhyme scheme. Keeping the A's apart.

 

But then I am confused by this suggestion, which seems the opposite:

On 8/16/2017 at 2:43 PM, snabbu said:

So the chorus different rhyme scheme but still stable and perfect or near perfect rhymes.

Shorter line length that the verses.

And a longer number of lines than the verse as restructured by me to remove the split statements and become 4 lines. so say six lines and it doesn't have to bring anything new to the chorus, 

Table for two

Just me and you

Table for two

Addition or whatever.

 This looks like AAAX rhyme scheme.  If I'm going for a 6-line chorus, how do you see the 6-line rhyme scheme?  I know ABAB is completely stable for a 4-line section; what is completely stable for a 6-line section?

 

(Later)

I've written over 10 versions of the chorus for this 😅 but I need some direction on the best rhyme scheme.  By now, I think I have alll the lines written!   It's just what order to put them in?

Fortunately, it's fun for me to play with the chorus to make it work, but I need some help on  which way to go.

 

PS.  I left you a PM.

Edited by Patty Lakamp

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snabbu    439

Hi Patty

What I had in mind was this.

Living as we do (A)

Loving who we are (X)

Sharing life together (x)

Table for two (A) Rhyme resolution on the hook

Just me and you (A) reinforce hook

Table for two (A) hook repetition

 

The reason for that choice is I sort of feel if you have two more non rhyming lines it might be too much tension, for the feel of the song. But you could try that and see how it feels.

Also I couldn't think of any good sharing living loving ideas to put in there.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

 

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Patty Lakamp    50

Thanks.  That helps.  I probably have 4 versions of that written down somewhere!  I'll take a look!

 

 

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