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ccarnucci    16

Something a little pink floydish...

 

Surviving in Memory (The Voice at the Bottom of the Bottle)

V1

Don't be cynical

Lets drop this damn charade

Your life’s a mess and there's only you to blame

Your counting on a miracle

to somehow change the game

but it's too late now welcome to the bed you've made

Chorus 1

You’ve lived by the sword

Rending hearts with deeds and words

Having not a care for those you may have burned

So you'll die by the sword

It's the destiny you've earned

and it's coming down now like a house of cards

Tides have turned

V2

Is this all you offer me

a future of shame and tears

Are you happy now with cross that’s yours to bear

This isn’t just soliloquy

And this bottle you hold so dear

Offers nothing more than disgrace and dark despair.

Chorus 2

You’ve drowned all your fears

in whiskey and beer

in a line of women no one would call dear

So you’ve mortgaged your years

selling out with naught a care

now you find yourself alone without a prayer

Tides have turned

V 3

Tides have turned

The verdicts been heard

and you can’t escape the judgment now incurred

So this pointless masquerade

won’t absolve you from your fate

Here alone at the point of no return

The tides have turned

Reprise

Its a long way down,

can you feel it my friend can you see my concern?

It's a long way down,

to the point of no return.

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Wow.. nice guitars! Tbh, I got a little scared looking at the length of the song. The intro seemed to be same-ish and from then on, I started to skip forward in bits, to understand the essence of the song. And it sounds quite nice, really... but just too long to hold my attention. There'll surely be others who'll love it and will critique better. But I just wish I had a concise version of this to listen to...

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snabbu    439

Hi

This shows a lot of imagination. I am thinking it's a folk rock song sitting in a sea of floyd. 

I do like how it breaks back down to the guitar vocal treatment. And the under harmony works really well for me.

I never really got into floyd short attention span I guess but I do have DSM in my phone and it plays in the car occasionally.

To me this sounds like it could of come from there. So for the genre I think it's a great effort.

I guess there are issues of mix and synth choices but that's probably personal choice.

What I am listening too is the theme variations and extra things coming in and out and they are just at the right time.

Sometimes this genre goes on too long with something and you think enough repeats already. This doesn't happen in this piece.

So too me that shows good judgement.

I thought it was very good. And so detailed, like a huge effort. 

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

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MonoStone    904

I think it's a nice idea. If it were shorter I'd enjoy it. I like long songs, but this didn't develop enough to keep my attention.

 

I think the intro is far too long...and again I like long intros but this pushed it too far, and I didn't get enough atmosphere from the synth sounds you chose.

 

The lead guitar solo is the star of the show, really nice... but goes on a bit too long because again it doesn't develop enough.

 

Whether you make the song shorter or keep it this long, my opinion is that it needs to develop more... it begins fairly tame and a bit moody, but then it promises that it'll lead to something BIG, but it never does.... I think it should start off tame as you have it, but by the end it should be massive. The lead guitar should climax and take us into a massive final chorus where the arrangement gets full and you're belting out the vocals along with wailing guitar, big backing vocals, drums bashing and cymbals crashing and so on...

 

I think the song would sound way better with a clear and deep bass line. I struggled to tell what the bass was doing (I wasn't exactly sure there was a bass)... it needs more bass for sure.

 

Again, nice melody, nice tune, but needs to go somewhere bigger.

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ccarnucci    16

Thanks everyone,  I agree with the length issues and the development.  Some things to work on for sure.  Thanks so much for listening and critiquing.

Edited by ccarnucci

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Oswlek    87
On 8/11/2017 at 11:52 PM, MonoStone said:

I think it's a nice idea. If it were shorter I'd enjoy it. I like long songs, but this didn't develop enough to keep my attention.

 

I think the intro is far too long...and again I like long intros but this pushed it too far, and I didn't get enough atmosphere from the synth sounds you chose.

 

The lead guitar solo is the star of the show, really nice... but goes on a bit too long because again it doesn't develop enough.

 

Whether you make the song shorter or keep it this long, my opinion is that it needs to develop more... it begins fairly tame and a bit moody, but then it promises that it'll lead to something BIG, but it never does.... I think it should start off tame as you have it, but by the end it should be massive. The lead guitar should climax and take us into a massive final chorus where the arrangement gets full and you're belting out the vocals along with wailing guitar, big backing vocals, drums bashing and cymbals crashing and so on...

 

I think the song would sound way better with a clear and deep bass line. I struggled to tell what the bass was doing (I wasn't exactly sure there was a bass)... it needs more bass for sure.

 

Again, nice melody, nice tune, but needs to go somewhere bigger.

 

+1  The pieces here are terrific, but they don't feel like they are being optimized yet.  

 

FWIW, I don't hear that much Floyd in here.  Some, but it's not the first thing that jumps out.  The guitar work sounds more to me like something Stephen Stills would compose.... which is a compliment, I assure you. :)  Same with the drums, they have more a CSN folk feel.  

 

If that isn't the target, then keep it is food for thought.  If it were me, I'd just redraw the bulls eye over Stills because it sounds great in that style. :)

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Topaz Bon    19

Yes a long one! Vocals are great as is the production. I would either shorten the intro or do something to make it more interesting if it were mine. The lyrics are certainly good, lots of metaphors to get your point across. However, from a truly creative poetic point of view, and this is only my opinion, the use of such common phrases as made beds, house of cards and swords can take away some of the originality of this beautifully crafted song. The line "So you’ve mortgaged your years, selling out with naught a care" is much better, more original. It's hard to come up with new ways to say something, but I guess that's what we all try to do!

 

Overall a great song, good job!!

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