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Hello~ I'm writing this song for someone as a birthday gift. Thing is, he's a celebrity. In the K-pop industry. I know, I'm a bit of a fangirl (hear me out), but I wanted to do something special for his birthday to show him that he's had a hugely positive effect on my life, even if I live on the other side of the planet. (I know there's no guarantee he'll hear it, but I have to try.)

A tiny bit of personal BG info: these past two years I've been working through some pretty tough depression, social anxiety, etc. and k-pop (specifically this Idol and the group he's a part of) have really helped me cope. I'm sure you all understand the profound effects music can have, even if you don't know the language it's written in. The emotions and message still transcend. Hopefully that'll give you a bit of perspective when it comes to the intimate and confessional nature of my lyrics. I just was trying to get all my feelings out onto the paper, so yeah. 

Also, this is my first song- so please, 'give me both barrels,' but just an fyi- I know the lyrics are a bit bland in places. 

 

Never the Same

-for Jungkook-

[V1] 
Foreign states, separate fates, 
That's what we are. 
I tell myself, keep listening 
and yet, you're so far. 

[PreCH] 
This fantasy, of you with me 
There's no escaping now. 
So many things that can never be 
But I refuse to back down. 

[CH] 
So i'll keep fighting, and trying 
won't let you go, 
I'll climb mountains, cross oceans 
Just to let you know 
that even though you've never seen my face, 
or heard my name- 
You've touched me in a way that I will never be the same. 

[V2] 

When I think of you, all I want to do 

is look deep into your eyes.

I just want to hold you close,

Let me be your blooming rose,

because I promise you my love will never die.

[PreCH] 
This fantasy, of you with me 
There's no escaping now. 
So many things that can never be 
But I refuse to back down. 

[CH] 
So i'll keep fighting, and trying 
won't let you go, 
I'll climb mountains, cross oceans 
Just to let you know 
that even though you've never seen my face, 
or heard my name- 
You've touched me in a way that I will never be the same. 

[V3]

I know I must sound naive, for stirring up these foolish dreams.

{I mean, c'mon.}

you're on the other side of the world.

I just wish that you could see

the way that you have set me free--

It's unreal, the things I feel for you.

[PreCH] 
This fantasy, of you with me 
There's no escaping now. 
So many things that can never be 
But I refuse to back down. 

[CH] 
So i'll keep fighting, and trying 
won't let you go, 
I'll climb mountains, cross oceans 
Just to let you know 
that even though you've never seen my face, 
or heard my name- 
You've touched me in a way that I will never be the same. 

[BR]

Your smile, it gives me life

{and your laugh's how I survive}

when I fall down, you're there to help me up.

So this is me, I'm thanking you

for all the things you've helped me through

I'm just one girl, across the world

but I love you. 

[PreCH] 
This fantasy, of you with me 
There's no escaping now. 
So many things that can never be 
But I refuse to back down. 

[CH] 
So i'll keep fighting, and trying 
won't let you go, 
I'll climb mountains, cross oceans 
Just to let you know 
that even though you've never seen my face, 
or heard my name- 
You've touched me in a way that I will never be the same. 

___________

words/lines in {brackets} I intend to change.

Any suggestions?

Thank you so much. [smiley=heartpump.gif]

 

tumblr_nrhrvzYWII1u868ijo1_400.gif

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HoboSage    1,996

I think this is pretty solid.  I"m not familiar with k-pop.  Maybe it's at a really fast tempo and sung really fast too.  I don't know.  But, given you have both a prechorus and a bridge, my non-k-pop instincts tell me this is likely too much/too long.  After the second chorus is when I think musically the song will likely need the change of going to the bridge, because three verses+prechoruses+choruses in a row will sound too redundant.  In other words, I anticipate that when set to music, the third verse, prechorus and chorus would likely have to be cut.  Of course, it really all depends on the music, but for what it's worth, that's what my instincts are telling me based only on the printed lyric - which again, I think it a pretty solid pop lyric.

 

P.S.  Though . . . "blooming rose"  may be a wee bit over the top. ;)

Edited by HoboSage
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tomcollins    523

Same page

Pretty solid write . not sure of first line verse 3, if musically it would fit do to length. More like 2 lines.

The redundant thing does come into play in 2 ways as david said and also lyrically

Verses dont really say anything new.

The bridge i like kinda ties it together.

Would maybe think of different metaphors to get away from things that have been said the same way for centuries.

But all in all I like it! 

Rock on 

 

 

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3 hours ago, HoboSage said:

I think this is pretty solid.  I"m not familiar with k-pop.  Maybe it's at a really fast tempo and sung really fast too.  I don't know.  But, given you have both a prechorus and a bridge, my non-k-pop instincts tell me this is likely too much/too long.  After the second chorus is when I think musically the song will likely need the change of going to the bridge, because three verses+prechoruses+choruses in a row will sound too redundant.  In other words, I anticipate that when set to music, the third verse, prechorus and chorus would likely have to be cut.  Of course, it really all depends on the music, but for what it's worth, that's what my instincts are telling me based only on the printed lyric - which again, I think it a pretty solid pop lyric.

 

P.S.  Though . . . "blooming rose"  may be a wee bit over the top. ;)

 

2 hours ago, tomcollins said:

Same page

Pretty solid write . not sure of first line verse 3, if musically it would fit do to length. More like 2 lines.

The redundant thing does come into play in 2 ways as david said and also lyrically

Verses dont really say anything new.

The bridge i like kinda ties it together.

Would maybe think of different metaphors to get away from things that have been said the same way for centuries.

But all in all I like it! 

Rock on 

 

 

 

Gotcha. I already have a melody that I'm putting to it, so the first line of V3 should be fine. And I totally get that its really long, I'm going to trim it a bit, I just wanted to put everything down for critique so I can choose what to keep/cut.

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Patty Lakamp    50

I think your lyrics do a good job of expressing what you intended to express.   So good for you on that goal!  I am not familiar with k-pop, so I can't comment on the style, etc.

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Thank you guys so so so much for your help so far.
Okay, update: I rewrote the verses and shortened them to only 2.
 

[V1]
You can see it plainly on my face 
I've been living in a dark, dark place
The seas are rough,
The water's black as night...
But there's the whisper of a melody
A song that calms my raging seas 
A song from you
Saying hey- you'll be alright 

 

PC // CH

 

[V2]
I just wish that you could see 
The way that you have set me free
It's because of you
That I am here today

 

But the thing that hurts the most 
is knowing I am nowhere close
A world away
And yet, not far at all

 

PC // CH // BR // CH
__________

Question: the two sections of V2... which order do you think they should go in...? 

Thank you so much. It really means a lot. 

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zyzzyva    5

Hello, It's hard to always know what people mean in a writing. The very first word in verse 1, YOU. Does that refer to the guy whose music you like? How can he see your face or know you're in a dark place? You've never met. You say that in the chorus. It's fantasy right? Those are your words. In the second verse first line you write, " I just wish that you could see". What happens there is you're contradicting yourself. It makes the verses incongruous. Unless I'm reading it wrong. I also think the first 4 lines of the chorus are really good, but the last 3 lines fall apart and it loses its pattern. I like the pre-chorus. As a whole it needs work, but I do think it's workable. I hope this helps, and I hope I didn't offend. I wasn't trying to. 

 

David 

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