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I'm not perfect but my love is

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tomcollins    526

Been lyrically in slumps. This one was done awhile back did some edits. Like the melody I have so put it back out with edits.

 

 

looked out empty windows

as my soul flew round and round

hearts lonely beat just  echoed

as I walked those streets of doubt

 

smiled at a million faces 

every night  had a different view

unfamiliar beds and places

a life time searching for you 

 

 

 

tired of living on what if's

hearts giving all its got to give

I know I'm not perfect girl

but  my love is

 

have scars my tattoo's wont cover

and pains that numb my mind

you held me like no other lover

supporting me in those times

 

 

tired of living on what if's

hearts giving all its got to give

I know I'm not perfect girl

but  my love is

 

 know I still have issues 

Your touch has changed this man

I'm not the one I would choose 

but  yet you love me as I am 

 

 

tired of living on what if's

hearts giving all its got to give

I know I'm not perfect girl

but  my love is

Know I'm not perfect

But...my love is

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Peggy    403

Hi Tom,

 

This is very nice! Glad you're revisting it.  Not sure of your melody but one easily came to me.

 

4 hours ago, tomcollins said:

supporting me in those times

Good words, but i had alittle trouble each read rolling that line out smoothly. Just me.

 

4 hours ago, tomcollins said:

I'm not the one I would chose

Reference of some type of choice

 

Maybe at end something like

 

"I know I'm not perfect girl

but  my love is

Know I'm not perfect

But...my love is"

"Perfect for us"

 

Or something that pins it down abit at the end.

 

:)

Peggy

 

 

Edited by Peggy
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zyzzyva    8

Hi, if you're having trouble writing, try writing about or in a way you would never write, or take a single word and build something off that as a concept or write about having trouble writing. An artist I like, wrote a song about her having writer's block. 

 

David 
 

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tomcollins    526
6 hours ago, Peggy said:

Hi Tom,

 

This is very nice! Glad you're revisting it.  Not sure of your melody but one easily came to me.

 

Good words, but i had alittle trouble each read rolling that line out smoothly. Just me.

 

Reference of some type of choice

 

Maybe at end something like

 

"I know I'm not perfect girl

but  my love is

Know I'm not perfect

But...my love is"

"Perfect for us"

 

Or something that pins it down abit at the end.

 

:)

Peggy

 

 

Yea agreed on choose but...tossed few things around and it still came back to choose .... 

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tomcollins    526
1 hour ago, zyzzyva said:

Hi, if you're having trouble writing, try writing about or in a way you would never write, or take a single word and build something off that as a concept or write about having trouble writing. An artist I like, wrote a song about her having writer's block. 

 

David 
 

Truth be told ,emotional writer. Tried many things and simple fact is I have to be in the moment. Inspired. Don't have to be personal but Inspired.

John does some good things with the lyrical challenges. And privately I try them.lol probably shouldn't said that but true. Most everything I've ever written had been quick 5-10 minute writes.

And as we can see I totally suck at edits!!

Rock on  

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zyzzyva    8

I'll just speak for myself and say, as far as editing, it's the realization that something written isn't as good as the writer thinks it is; that's hard for everyone. I also believe the only way to become a better writer is to be able to see things that were written before and be honest and realize they aren't as good as once thought. This helped me to be a better writer; it doesn't mean I'm a good writer, but I believe I'm better than I was. 

 

David

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tomcollins    526

Ever good enough?

Of you do anything enough you become good. How good ? Well depends who you ask. Yourself? Yes we all became better . how could we not? Yet i still suck at edits!! Most times know my lyrics are weak but when music comes its easier to handle!

But love writing

Rock on 

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zyzzyva    8

Yes, I'm talking about self-realization, not asking others. I'm not talking about repetitiveness or rote. I'm talking about an awareness of why and how you do something. Honesty with yourself to make it better. Just because you do something over and over again, doesn't mean you will be good at it. You and I are talking about two different things. I am just trying to give you a different way of seeing a situation. I apologize if I spoke out of turn. I know this wasn't your topic.  I just know what has helped me, and I thought I would share it with you. 

 

David 

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Peggy    403

Hi Tom,

 

I really liked the edits (in blue). Thought they put the emotions right in place with the lyrics. Suggedtion was that

16 hours ago, tomcollins said:

I'm not the one I would choose 

but  yet you love me as I am 

at the end seal it. I like these lines.the 

 

Otherwise i thought ready for killer melody. 

:)

Peggy

Edited by Peggy

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tomcollins    526
5 hours ago, Peggy said:

Hi Tom,

 

I really liked the edits (in blue). Thought they put the emotions right in place with the lyrics. Suggedtion was that

at the end seal it. I like these lines.the 

 

Otherwise i thought ready for killer melody. 

:)

Peggy

Lol no i been at that line from start. But for me it sums it up. Playing in my head not horrible. But stumbles a bit .

Rock on

6 hours ago, zyzzyva said:

Yes, I'm talking about self-realization, not asking others. I'm not talking about repetitiveness or rote. I'm talking about an awareness of why and how you do something. Honesty with yourself to make it better. Just because you do something over and over again, doesn't mean you will be good at it. You and I are talking about two different things. I am just trying to give you a different way of seeing a situation. I apologize if I spoke out of turn. I know this wasn't your topic.  I just know what has helped me, and I thought I would share it with you. 

 

David 

David

I got your meaning and no, your not out of line. What i meant if you practiced guitar everyday for a year you would have to improve some. Lyrically should be the same. 

One reason why this site helps. The info is here to get better. Opens your mind to new styles. I been here awhile and seen leaps and bounds from others, and myself? 

For me the rut tends to be emotional.

Silly ? But its true. Most times a movie or meeting a stranger snaps me out.but... Its the wait that kills me.

So get what you say . editing and not being good as i thought it was. I kinda wrapped the whole process into one.

Self doubt and such come into play .

But I'm more a realist, i know lyrically I suck .and ok with that because its an improvement from "f"ing really suck!

You see some artists go into years of such slumps. Being an emotional writer i tend to snap out in few months.

Its a weird topic But Its one we all face.

But as you said "we" ourselves have to concur it not something learned more grown. 

Me,  maybe go pick a fight with the wife!

Kidding!!!! 

For me if I don't write the lyric at one time. Very hard to complete it. Let alone edits!

I truely thank you for your comments! 

Its all part of what we do! Even if what we do is just for ourselves!

Rock on !!!

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Patty Lakamp    50
On 8/13/2017 at 4:23 AM, tomcollins said:

Hi, Tom,  I didn't see this before your edits, but I like this version.  My comments are in red.  Just things to consider.

 

 

looked out empty windows

as my soul flew round and round

hearts lonely beat just  echoed        I know we usually   like to edit words OUT, but in this case it would have helped me understand the line better if you'd said, My heart's lonely beat just echoed.  Otherwise, I heard "hearts" like 2 hearts, and it didn't make sense.

as I walked those streets of doubt     ---nice line!

 

smiled at a million faces    This guy doesn't seem like the smiling type.  I wonder if it would be better if you said something like "explored a million faces"  or  "searched"

every night  had a different view  Yay!  A word we can take out!  Every night a different view

unfamiliar beds and places

a life time searching for you    Good line!

 

 

 

tired of living on what if's

hearts giving all its got to give   Same comment as "hearts" above  I think you mean this as "heart's" but since we can't sing an apostrophe, "My heart's" would help. Giving all it's got to give is a bit of a cliche, but I know you need "give" to rhyme with "is" in L4.  It would be worth trying harder here? Maybe, my heart hopes you can forgive  (goes with I'm not perfect)

I know I'm not perfect girl

but  my love is

 

have scars my tattoo's wont cover   Love this!

and pains that numb my mind

you held me like no other lover   You held me like no other?  Or more expansive:               You loved me like no other

supporting me in those times  "Supporting" is textbook-like.   Something more like:          A rock in trying times

 

 

tired of living on what if's

hearts giving all its got to give

I know I'm not perfect girl

but  my love is

 

 know I still have issues      

Your touch has changed this man

I'm not the one I would choose    I kinda wish he wouldn't say this.  Admitting he has issues is one thing.  Saying he's a lousy choice is a step further.  Depends on what you mean

but  yet you love me as I am 

 

 

tired of living on what if's

hearts giving all its got to give

I know I'm not perfect girl

but  my love is

Know I'm not perfect

But...my love is

 

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snabbu    439

HI Tom

If your having trouble with lyrical ideas it's because you have no hook book eh!

In regard to this. I know you have a tune so your not changing anything. But I will make these following comments about the chorus.

It's too stable I would like to see five lines not four and a reorder of the lines so that the rhyme resolution is delayed as long as possible, i.e. lines 1 and 5 to create more tension more losing more desperation. 

My hearts giving all its got to give

tired of living on what might be (de rhyme)

da da d a da something grey (Ie not rhyming)

I know I'm not perfect girl

but  my love is (rhyme resolution imperfect on hook= hook emphasis and a highly unstable feeling)

 

 

Other than the chorus feel and tension it's an OK lyric.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

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tomcollins    526

Hook book sign me up !! Wouldn't that be grand !

 

49 minutes ago, snabbu said:

HI Tom

If your having trouble with lyrical ideas it's because you have no hook book eh!

In regard to this. I know you have a tune so your not changing anything. But I will make these following comments about the chorus.

It's too stable I would like to see five lines not four and a reorder of the lines so that the rhyme resolution is delayed as long as possible, i.e. lines 1 and 5 to create more tension more losing more desperation. 

My hearts giving all its got to give

tired of living on what might be (de rhyme)

da da d a da something grey (Ie not rhyming)

I know I'm not perfect girl

but  my love is (rhyme resolution imperfect on hook= hook emphasis and a highly unstable feeling)

 

 

Other than the chorus feel and tension it's an OK lyric.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

Going to play around with that. Knew- know better but.... It was fitting which tells me 2 things .

Rewrite chorus all around! Lyric /🎶

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snabbu    439

Aha Tom.

 

Well go to the newsagent and get a small note book and a pen. Do not go anywhere without it. Your in a bar you here someone say it's a "tough season" You write it down.

You see a sign "pensioners half price" you write it down. Then when you need to write a song you expand on the theme with your laundry list.

 

So Tough season:

 

Footballer verse

Farmer verse

Chorus they all think they do it so tough

Bridge: These guys in Somalia or where ever really know what tough is

Chorus and you think you have it so tough.

Etc.

 

And Tom me old mate, it's so much easier to write the chorus first. 

Then when you are writing the bridge your segue will be perfect and when you write the verses every image will support the chorus.

You can't support something that don't exist yet.

 

The other thing is if I have to write a song and have it ready by next Monday then it always is. If like now there is no pressure it isn't I'm off playing CIV 5 when I should be writing.

 

There was this girl on rec music makers song writers called Sheryl and she used to do these posts called "Loose Hooks"

And she would just post hooks and you could write to it if you wanted. 

I think I wrote about six songs to her hooks and got lazy about the hook book in the process.

"I never thought he'd live to see this day"

"Fallen trees"

"Bed and breakfast"

I think all those were Sheryl, now she was a gem.

 

Hook BOOK Tom HOOK BOOK hey that rhymes:D

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

 

 

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tomcollins    526

 

 

3 hours ago, snabbu said:

Aha Tom.

 

Well go to the newsagent and get a small note book and a pen. Do not go anywhere without it. Your in a bar you here someone say it's a "tough season" You write it down.

You see a sign "pensioners half price" you write it down. Then when you need to write a song you expand on the theme with your laundry list.

 

So Tough season:

 

Footballer verse

Farmer verse

Chorus they all think they do it so tough

Bridge: These guys in Somalia or where ever really know what tough is

Chorus and you think you have it so tough.

Etc.

 

And Tom me old mate, it's so much easier to write the chorus first. 

Then when you are writing the bridge your segue will be perfect and when you write the verses every image will support the chorus.

You can't support something that don't exist yet.

 

The other thing is if I have to write a song and have it ready by next Monday then it always is. If like now there is no pressure it isn't I'm off playing CIV 5 when I should be writing.

 

There was this girl on rec music makers song writers called Sheryl and she used to do these posts called "Loose Hooks"

And she would just post hooks and you could write to it if you wanted. 

I think I wrote about six songs to her hooks and got lazy about the hook book in the process.

"I never thought he'd live to see this day"

"Fallen trees"

"Bed and breakfast"

I think all those were Sheryl, now she was a gem.

 

Hook BOOK Tom HOOK BOOK hey that rhymes:D

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

 

 

 

Ah mate,

You kill me lol I really thought someone came out with a hook book.lol a cheat sheet if you will! 

Thats how I get my inspiration.

A saying, a clip from a movie even other songs two words in a verse. Almost anything.

What I should do is go threw my 22 notebooks of chicken scratch and take out all possible hooks.

Dancing with yesterday( came from an old saying )

Are you real( are you for real)

Shadows and dust(saying in a movie)

Blame it on woman & the weather(movie clip)

I'm not perfect but my love is( old love letter from grandfather to grandmother)

Heavy load( construction saying)

Think when I first joined this site wrote a few lyrics and added a chorus( which i cringe when i read them)

This one chorus then verses. Tho I been fighting with the feel of this one. As you well know I can be a wee bit headed! 

So it's OK as you said.

But also giving this the tension as ya also said should work.will have to play out the tension of verses and chorus.

If chorus done like you suggested there's no real release. Which would drive me nuts musically.

 

As you helped on this. First one I put music to very emotional write

https://m.soundcloud.com/tom-collins-12/goodbyeangel7

 

 

 

Still to this day one of my hardest writes

Think we worked on this for over a week. And took me a year to put music to. Give it a listen mate. Bet ya will tear up a bit! Long time ago .

 

But point taken and now listened to that a few times has set me back in time lol

 

So point is your right will do a rewrite but now ya put a fire in my butt .

Check back later with both barrels!!

I always felt writing this hook was a bit weak but felt the saying could over come for so many can relate

Rock on !!#

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Myrddin    1

You have some great imagery, thinking specifically of the lonely heart echoing along empty street, and I could feel the emotion coming through.  The chorus ended a bit abruptly for me with "but my love is," but that may be because i'm hearing it in my head differently.  Also, this may be nit-picking, but in the first line, does one look into an empty window or out from an empty room? What makes a window empty when you're looking outward?

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snabbu    439
10 hours ago, tomcollins said:

 

 

Ah mate,

You kill me lol I really thought someone came out with a hook book.lol a cheat sheet if you will! 

Thats how I get my inspiration.

A saying, a clip from a movie even other songs two words in a verse. Almost anything.

What I should do is go threw my 22 notebooks of chicken scratch and take out all possible hooks.

Dancing with yesterday( came from an old saying )

Are you real( are you for real)

Shadows and dust(saying in a movie)

Blame it on woman & the weather(movie clip)

I'm not perfect but my love is( old love letter from grandfather to grandmother)

Heavy load( construction saying)

Think when I first joined this site wrote a few lyrics and added a chorus( which i cringe when i read them)

This one chorus then verses. Tho I been fighting with the feel of this one. As you well know I can be a wee bit headed! 

So it's OK as you said.

But also giving this the tension as ya also said should work.will have to play out the tension of verses and chorus.

If chorus done like you suggested there's no real release. Which would drive me nuts musically.

 

As you helped on this. First one I put music to very emotional write

https://m.soundcloud.com/tom-collins-12/goodbyeangel7

 

 

 

Still to this day one of my hardest writes

Think we worked on this for over a week. And took me a year to put music to. Give it a listen mate. Bet ya will tear up a bit! Long time ago .

 

But point taken and now listened to that a few times has set me back in time lol

 

So point is your right will do a rewrite but now ya put a fire in my butt .

Check back later with both barrels!!

I always felt writing this hook was a bit weak but felt the saying could over come for so many can relate

Rock on !!#

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I will go and have a listen now, I remember this, I was in Queensland it was our winter so June or July and I had taken my rv north as it was too cold here and I sat on the beach and wrote the lyric of "There will be Better days" for you. Such a tough time it was.

 

Cheers

 

Gary

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snabbu    439

Well Tom I just listened.

 

I started to cry after verse one because I knew what was coming, and  then by the time it became obvious what was going on my throat hurt from the lump and my vision became bleary.

How much of this is due to my familiarity with the story behind the song or the beautifully understated way the story is told, or the feel of the music I do not know because I am too close.

 

As it came to a close I am thinking it's like the taj Mahal a beautiful memorial to a lover who is no longer with us.

 

It's like Leonard going to see Suzanne  as she was dying, and telling her he would be following her soon. After they had been estranged for so many years. 

An act of beauty amongst what could be seen as only ugliness. It is for me making a positive out of adversity. 

 

I found it very uplifting. In that way. 

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

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tomcollins    526
9 hours ago, Myrddin said:

You have some great imagery, thinking specifically of the lonely heart echoing along empty street, and I could feel the emotion coming through.  The chorus ended a bit abruptly for me with "but my love is," but that may be because i'm hearing it in my head differently.  Also, this may be nit-picking, but in the first line, does one look into an empty window or out from an empty room? What makes a window empty when you're looking outward?

Thanks for the crit!!

"Looked out empty windows"

More a metaphor like lifes around you. But you see nothing of interest.

Not nit picking! Lol 

Rock on !

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tomcollins    526
On 8/14/2017 at 1:55 PM, Patty Lakamp said:

 

Patty thanks for the crit! Love details and thoughts! 

Get the hearts thing. It may just be a southern thing . but when others talk " "my hearts freaking breaking" guess proper would be " my heart is breaking"

"Hearts lonely beat" would be how you describe your heart no? Lol either way felt natural. No ya got me wondering if the rest of the worlds not southern.

 

smiled at a million faces    This guy doesn't seem like the smiling type.  I wonder if it would be better if you said something like "explored a million faces"  or  "searched"

every night  had a different view  Yay!  A word we can take out!  Every night a different view

unfamiliar beds and places

a life time searching for you    Good line!

 

Verse2 was to support first.

Basically this guy is on the road 

But maybe should flip verses.

Say a musician.

Bored with life V 1 

Smiled at a million face (no one want a frowning musician)

"Had" a different view( had a different girl)

So in my head supporting V1 

 

you held me like no other lover( never been happy with this line.

 

Not the one I would choose

boy knows who he is and where he came from.

 

Hope that explained a bit. But will re look cause i believe that if you have to explain then its Not right.

Rock on!!

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tomcollins    526
5 hours ago, snabbu said:

Well Tom I just listened.

 

I started to cry after verse one because I knew what was coming, and  then by the time it became obvious what was going on my throat hurt from the lump and my vision became bleary.

How much of this is due to my familiarity with the story behind the song or the beautifully understated way the story is told, or the feel of the music I do not know because I am too close.

 

As it came to a close I am thinking it's like the taj Mahal a beautiful memorial to a lover who is no longer with us.

 

It's like Leonard going to see Suzanne  as she was dying, and telling her he would be following her soon. After they had been estranged for so many years. 

An act of beauty amongst what could be seen as only ugliness. It is for me making a positive out of adversity. 

 

I found it very uplifting. In that way. 

 

Cheers

 

Gary

 

 

Aahh good stuff!!! 

Been a long while that I've listened to this!!

We all need a good cry once in awhile lord knows writing that was hell and wisps of heaven .

Figured you'd like a stroll down songstuff lane!!

Rock on!!!!!!

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Peggy    403

Hi Tom,

 

I so respect everyone's take.  But...i think with the edits you have made, in blue complete the lyric 99.9999999%. I read so much "realness" feelings emotions. My fav line 

On 8/13/2017 at 6:23 AM, tomcollins said:

have scars my tattoo's wont cover

But so many others. I'm thinking too much tweaking is going it affect the impact  and rawness of emotion presented.

 

Had to say it.

:)

Peggy

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tomcollins    526
1 minute ago, Peggy said:

Hi Tom,

 

I so respect everyone's take.  But...i think with the edits you have made, in blue complete the lyric 99.9999999%. I read so much "realness" feelings emotions. My fav line 

But so many others. I'm thinking too much tweaking is going it affect the impact  and rawness of emotion presented.

 

Had to say it.

:)

Peggy

Lmao i knew i like ya for a reason !!!

Thanks!!

But the chorus and the choose line Haven't sat well with me. So had an idea towards garys point on the chorus. And going to write it down look at it then maybe post it. Lol but his point on that was pretty spot on . 

A big

Rock on !!

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Peggy    403

Okay, i give...but... never nind😁

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tomcollins    526
12 hours ago, Peggy said:

Hi Tom,

 

I so respect everyone's take.  But...i think with the edits you have made, in blue complete the lyric 99.9999999%. I read so much "realness" feelings emotions. My fav line 

But so many others. I'm thinking too much tweaking is going it affect the impact  and rawness of emotion presented.

 

Had to say it.

:)

Peggy

Peggy.

Kinda siding with you now that I've slept on this. 

Part of me thinks it needs to be rewritten, for some not getting it.

Really not about more tension more losing more desperation. 

Just a guy saying.been hurt done wrong before have my faults . but I love you wholly.

But also feel hook could be drawn out

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HoboSage    1,997

Why is your love "perfect"?  I can't find anything in the lyric leading me to that conclusion, while I have a lifetime of experience telling me love is never perfect, but is as flawed as the people on both ends of it.   I gotta say, Tommy, this comes across to me as a "hook" that, at first blush, might seem cool from a wordsmithing perspective, but after just a little thought is clearly exposed as total bullshit - and I think you know it!. :)

Edited by HoboSage
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symphonious7    206

I thought your lyric was pretty decent!  I'm not the best judge of lyrics I suppose, but I thought your hook line was pretty clever.  Everything building up to it worked for me, there was one part I didn't get though.  It said "And yet you love me as I am"  That sort of, changed the picture I was building in my head.  I was envisioning a woman who was never happy with this guy and always on the verge of leaving, and he's saying "I am tired of what ifs and uncertainty, I know I'm not perfect but my love for you is,  please be happy with that!"  Or something a long those lines, so when that line came it sort of... broke the picture I had painted in my mind.  Not sure if that's a problem or just cause I was reading into it or what but, that's my two cents.  

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symphonious7    206
3 hours ago, HoboSage said:

Why is your love "perfect"?  I can't find anything in the lyric leading me to that conclusion, while I have a lifetime of experience telling me love is never perfect, but is as flawed as the people on both ends of it.   I gotta say, Tommy, this comes across to me as a "hook" that, at first blush, might seem cool from a wordsmithing perspective, but after just a little thought is clearly exposed as total bullshit - and I think you know it!. :)

I may have been attaching my own meaning, but to me it seemed like someone who was sort of trying to...  appeal to their good intentions.  Like when your actions are all wrong, and you keep doing everything wrong, but you feel like inside your feelings and intentions are perfect, you just keep screwing it up.  So for whatever it's worth, THAT part made sense to me.  I was still confused though how it seemed like this relationship was on the rocks, on the verge of ending, and then at the end we hear that she loves him just the way he is.  That kind of made me go "Then what's the problem and why are you telling her all this?" lol

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Peggy    403
On 8/15/2017 at 10:46 PM, Peggy said:

Okay, i give...but... never nind😁

Been Thinking thru the.chorus stablity Gary's talking about.  I think he's right. But tweaks need to be just right so not to mess up the rest of lyric.  

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tomcollins    526
5 hours ago, Peggy said:

Been Thinking thru the.chorus stablity Gary's talking about.  I think he's right. But tweaks need to be just right so not to mess up the rest of lyric.  

Yea been playing with it. Thinking only that 2nd line lol well sort of.my first write was

Tired of living on what if's

Getting stuck in the mud

This is who I am

I'm not perfect girl

But my love is

Lol so just got home playing with it

Rock on

 

But thinking you had something hehe

Cause you been thinking bout it

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